Mortified: Angry Run-In with BPD ex after NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't been on here in a while, having been working hard with a therapist and Al Anon.

I haven't had any contact with the BPD ex in quite a while, no attempts on his side. The last I saw him was the night he snuck out of my apartment to "go work out" in the middle of the night. Right. And that was my last straw. He never apologized and never said "no" when I asked him if he went to another woman's house. After that he started throwing the things I had been sharing with him from my therapy back at me... ."Even YOU say that you need a lot of ATTENTION!" "Even YOU say you don't know what reality is sometimes!"

I lost it and cut all contact. Blocked everything I could.

Today I was pumping gas and a truck I would know ANYWHERE with his daughter inside pulled up on the opposite side of the pump. I had a true flight or fight response but didn't look up... .just tried to finish fast and act like I didn't see him.

He walked right over and loudly said, "NICE HAT." The hat has an emblem of a company at which he's accused me of sleeping with pretty much the whole staff. Utterly false.

I told him, softly, that I have the flu (true) and not to get to close.

"I WOULDN'T **WANT** TO." He barked back.

I mumbled "Thanks... .very sweet."

"JUST ABOUT AS SWEET AS **YOU** ARE." he shot back.

He walked away, came halfway back, walked away and I frantically got out of there.

I expected a hateful email but that was it.

And now I'm just losing my mind again. I was the one who was left in the middle of the night. I was the one who had my therapy mocked... .and yet months later I'm the one getting barked at in public like that?

What the hell?

[RedCandle]

I haven't been on here in a while, having been working hard with a therapist and Al Anon.

I haven't had any contact with the BPD ex in quite a while, no attempts on his side. The last I saw him was the night he snuck out of my apartment to "go work out" in the middle of the night. Right. And that was my last straw. He never apologized and never said "no" when I asked him if he went to another woman's house. After that he started throwing the things I had been sharing with him from my therapy back at me... ."Even YOU say that you need a lot of ATTENTION!" "Even YOU say you don't know what reality is sometimes!"

I lost it and cut all contact. Blocked everything I could.

Today I was pumping gas and a truck I would know ANYWHERE with his daughter inside pulled up on the opposite side of the pump. I had a true flight or fight response but didn't look up... .just tried to finish fast and act like I didn't see him.

He walked right over and loudly said, "NICE HAT." The hat has an emblem of a company at which he's accused me of sleeping with pretty much the whole staff. Utterly false.

I told him, softly, that I have the flu (true) and not to get to close.

"I WOULDN'T **WANT** TO." He barked back.

I mumbled "Thanks... .very sweet."

"JUST ABOUT AS SWEET AS **YOU** ARE." he shot back.

He walked away, came halfway back, walked away and I frantically got out of there.

I expected a hateful email but that was it.

And now I'm just losing my mind again. I was the one who was left in the middle of the night. I was the one who had my therapy mocked... .and yet months later I'm the one getting barked at in public like that?

What the hell?

[Mutt]

 

Hi RedCandle,

I'm happy to hear you're doing the hard work in T and in Al Anon. You had a flight or flee response - he triggered anxiety  .

I'm sorry he barked at you like that.

You took the high road.

He has the emotional immaturity of a child - arrested emotional development (projection in line 1 and 2)

For example:

"Even YOU say that you need a lot of ATTENTION!"

"Even YOU say you don't know what reality is sometimes!"

"I WOULDN'T **WANT** TO."

"JUST ABOUT AS SWEET AS **YOU** ARE."

I think you handled the situation well under an uncomfortable, anxious, and perhaps intimidating situation.

Kudos to you.

You didn't JADE (Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain) yourself in a difficult exchange.

[RedCandle]

Thanks Mutt... .

I think I said so little because (1) I'm very sick and (2) we were at a BUSY gas station!

I just feel like I'm totally regressing. I'm going right back to rehashing everything that happened so long ago and second guessing my memory to try to figure out where HE was the victim.

I mean... .even if the tables were turned and *I* was the cheater and emotional abuser and my ex hated me... .wouldn't the "normal" response be to IGNORE that person? Not have this big confrontation in public months later? Right? Am I crazy?

He gets so big and PUFFY and loud when he's mad... .it's so intimidating! Now I'm freaking out every time a car drives by my house or my email beeps... .worried that ROUND TWO is about to happen!

[Mutt]

I just feel like I'm totally regressing. I'm going right back to rehashing everything that happened so long ago and second guessing my memory to try to figure out where HE was the victim.

Is it correct you haven't seen him in months? It happens to the best of us, it may be that you were triggered. You may of been caught off guard if you're not feeling 100% and it's busy.

I mean... .even if the tables were turned and *I* was the cheater and emotional abuser and my ex hated me... .wouldn't the "normal" response be to IGNORE that person? Not have this big confrontation in public months later? Right? Am I crazy?

You're not crazy. It's mental illness. He has a distorted belief system.

He gets so big and PUFFY and loud when he's mad... .it's so intimidating! Now I'm freaking out every time a car drives by my house or my email beeps... .worried that ROUND TWO is about to happen!

It's not fun

Does he have a history of being dangerous?

[hurting300]

So... .Did you tell him you were breaking up with him or just cut contact and left him to figure it out?

[RedCandle]

Does he have a history of being dangerous?

When he was drinking years ago I would say "yes." But not since he's been sober (assuming he still is). I haven't seen him all wild like that since he drank. He can be very intimidating. VERY.

Hurting300, there was no "relationship" to break up from. It was during one of our (far too many) recycles and he had spent the night after helping me with a project. He was ticked off that we weren't having sex at this point, and I woke up to an empty side of the bed in the middle of the night. I did the usually crazy... .demanded answers... .got none. After far to many circular arguments and after the therapy stuff came up, I told him I had nothing more to say to him and well... .I said nothing more. He didn't try to contact me again that so I think it was pretty clear.

[hurting300]

Well you did tell him you didn't want to talk. I misread your paragraph, i thought you just went ghost, even with BPD people i wouldn't suggest just disappearing. He really has no right to be upset.

[fromheeltoheal]

I agree with Mutt, you took the high road.  If I was him and did what he did I'd feel pretty stupid after, and what he probably felt was shame, until the defense mechanisms of a mental illness kicked in until he felt justified and good about himself again.

Dumbasses like that will dig their own grave, all you need to do is keep taking the high road, the only issue is your physical safety.  If he'd escalated further and touched you in front of all those witnesses you may have been able to get him arrested, and it may help to think that way moving forward.

You can call it regressing, or you can call it a good check-in as to where you are with your detachment, especially the part about second guessing yourself; there's work to do there and you can use the energy around what happened as fuel.  It could end up being a good thing when you get benefit out of it.  Take care of you!

[RedCandle]

I'm so grateful to have these boards where I can, at midnight, get the words of wisdom I need.

Does anyone have a recommendation on a book that I can read to help get over this hurdle and do some more work on detachment? You're right, it was all a good check up on where I am and I need to do some more work.

I never want to get to a point where he learns that THIS type of behavior will send my world spinning.

[fromheeltoheal]

The book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Burns is highly recommended; it's all about you and not about borderlines, which is a good thing after a while.  Also, there's a Book Review tab at the top of this page that has a bunch about borderlines and our relationships with them.

[going places]

Why Does He Do That by Lindy Bancroft.

[enlighten me]

Hi Redcandle

from what you described you did the right thing.

By the sounds of it he was wanting to connect with you. He probably was expecting a warmer reaction and maybe for you to throw yourself at him. Because you didnt he went into full protect mode which by the sounds of him is attack is the best form of defence.

I dont think with his daughter in tow he would have been looking to start a fight especially not somewhere public.

Its probably little consolation but you rattled him as much as he rattled you.