A Text When She Saw Me

[confused1730]

I posted last week on this one but am really struggling and would appreciate some insight.

Broke up in October after three months of severe devaluation (we were together 18 months) from udBPD ex girlfriend. She had the confidence to finally discard as she found a replacement apparently. There was some final contact from me in November which showed me to be weak - missing you etc... Her responses were nasty, vitriolic and very abusive which phenomenal projection

Cut to last week when we were side by side in cars at a roundabout. we saw each other, she looked a bit sheepish (she was alone). I raced off to avoid. Ten hours later i receive a text message from her "Please refrain from dangerous driving near me to get my attention". I simply didn't respond.

It's infuriated me that she text - any views as to why text me and indeed why wait ten hours?

[patientandclear]

I'd guess it bothered her to see you, and it took a while for her to work out what you'd done wrong and what she wanted to do about it.

[confused1730]

It just seems strange that 10 hours later she sends a text like that which frankly is ridiculous - was she wanting a reaction do you think?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Yes she wants to know if she still has a claw in you.  Radio silence is your best angle.

[confused1730]

So strange. She is clearly deliriously happy with my replacement yet sends a text to either cause trouble or make some ridiculous comment - is that what they do? Try to test the water? Will my silence appear like rejection to her?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

The idealization phase may be coming to an end.  She may be looking to triangulate and testing to see if you are available.  Who really knows?  Best thing is to avoid the crazy.  You are lucky now to be out of it.

[confused1730]

It is my intent to remain silent. In the past this has certainly infuriated her, however, I have heard nothing since last Monday. Do they get the message or are they persistent?

[downwhim]

Think about it, so silly and immature. It took her 10 hours to figure out what she was going to say. A dig about your driving which is ridiculous but a hook acknowledging she saw you. Stay N/C.

[cehlers55]

Hang in There. I'm in the same shoes as you. I've left her after 2.5 years of marriage. That is exactly the kind of text i would get from my wife in that situation. ":)angerous driving to get my attention" What a load of bull. But i'm in the same situation. Sorry. Hang in there. Lots of support.

[confused1730]

Thanks Cehiers55 - you think the text was to get my attention in the sense of whether I am still available? If she wanted to re-engage surely it would have been softer and more pleasant. She only lives three miles away!

[confused1730]

I think I am just trying to make sense of the text message. I am sadly intrigued if it was to punish and also to see if my NC will be taken as rejection by her

Thoughts?

[cehlers55]

She doesn't know what she wants. They seem really smart. But they have no idea what they really want.

What they do want is to fill the void. To take as much love as you can give them, Then strike you because it is never enough.

Remember. They are a bottomless pit of loneliness and abandonement. She probably wants you to beg her to come back. That would be you showing love, and her being in control. Control is huge for her like it was for my wife.

[cehlers55]

She's definitely playing the victim role. Probably so she can tell someone later about it and how "crazy" you were the last time she saw you.

[confused1730]

There's no doubt that I will be portrayed as crazy - but I am sure her friends aren't stupid and just tolerate her fantasy. It's the rejection thing that concerns me - will my NC infuriate and make her feel rejected which will give rise to a further text? I guess that all depends on the idealisation with replacement doesnt it?

[myself]

Seeing you probably startled her, triggered painful memories and made her feel ashamed, so to regain a sense of control she projected/blamed you for being the person doing something 'wrong'. No need to respond, she's gone.

[FoolishMan]

Seeing you probably startled her, triggered painful memories and made her feel ashamed, so to regain a sense of control she projected/blamed you for being the person doing something 'wrong'. No need to respond, she's gone.

Yes, she didn't text you anything good, look how bad she's made you feel with one tiny bit of contact. If you respond expect to feel terrible soon after. I speak from sad experience

[confused1730]

I can see this as when she saw me she looked sheepish and guilt ridden... .forgive me being over analytical but it was the waiting nearly 10 hours to text me... .it must have eaten away at her all day surely?

[confused1730]

Thanks Foolishman - great advice and you are right it has made me feel bad.  I am sure my nil response will have surprised her given past behaviour. Can I ask though, from your experience what was the purpose of her texting - what is she gaining?

[cehlers55]

I agree with both. No need to contact her. As far as what she's gaining, who knows. I spend a lot of time myself hashing and re-hashing what has gone on. She's blaming/projecting something "wrong" on you. Just like the folks said above.

[confused1730]

There will be no reply as it gives her attention. The no response i know her well, will irritate i suspect. The blame from her on to me for months was horrific - almost constant hatred, abuse and vitriol. The final discard hit me hard - and contact like this almost putting me back.

[rollercoaster24]

Yea it seems they do this because maybe they expected you to chase after them or wave them over to stop and talk, and you didn't.

So they have to contact you to see if they still really do have a hook still attached.

Mine spotted me at the traffic lights one day,  whilst I was on my way back from picking up some stock for my Business.

At that time I had no idea he was actually living in that suburb at that time, and given what he told his family about his accommodation no doubt he was lying to me anyway about his reasons for being there that day, (when he contacted me some weeks later by phone).

That day of sighting him, I had an elderly male friend with me in my van, after hearing the car toot in the lane next to me, I looked to see BP leaning down low trying to spot who was with me. When he noticed I was looking, he quickly sat back upright again, waved, and when the lights changed we both drove on, he straight ahead and me left.

My heart was racing as soon as I saw  him though, and I was compulsively checking my rear vision mirrors the entire trip home, (so used to his following/stalking me in the past). I remember just before spotting him, that my elderly friend was asking me questions about exBP at that time and my answers were a tad angry, totally ironic.

When BP rang weeks later, I wasn't expecting it, and his excuse was that seeing me in the van had been difficult indeed. There was a mention that he knew who was with me. Then after chatting on for a bit, with him full of praise and idolisation, he seemed to want to keep up contact over time, and was requesting that I call and message him each day and night, (say goodnight etc).

I had my suspicions about what he really wanted from me, (was it to use me again for money or whatever?), was it because things weren't going well with a possible replacement? I didn't know.

All I knew was it seemed strange that he wanted some of the benefits of being a partner again, via telephone, but didn't want me to drive over to the city he was 'parked up in' to see him. Told me he was still homeless even then, but I have just realised now that he was lying again.

I discontinued calling him, because some instinct told me he wasn't being honest, and also as the days went by, his negativity started to impact on me the same as it had always done. There was also the realisation that he was still exactly the same person, and had done nothing about seeking help for himself emotionally, (something he was always admitting he would do because he needed it).

My living circumstances also prevented me from having anything to do with him as well, I was sharing a new rental home with my daughter and her fiancé (whom BP always hated and provoked physical violence with too), only this time we were in a new place that was in their names, where as before when BP was coming and going from my home, the lease was in my name.

I knew that my Family would not want him coming to our home, so there wasn't any point, plus he hadn't changed and wasn't actively seeking that, so if I recycled with him and went to hang out with him in his car, it wouldn't last long before he would be blaming me again.

After this last contact from BP in late August, (after also phoning me in May, and June after splitting for good in March), I never heard from him again, and I of course never made contact with him either the whole time.

About a month later, his Sister In-law approached me at the Shopping Centre where I run my Business from, and told me that BP was no longer living in his car, and was 'staying with friends in a suburb 20 minutes drive away, but it wasn't a good environment for him'.

like he is a saint or something!

Given that is what he used to tell people when he lived for free at mine, I have no doubt that he was living with a replacement again, probably some poor Single Mother on a low income that he would be leaching off like he did me.

And given that when he had called me after sighting me that day, he was just driving out of 'that suburb' later in the morning. He mentioned (without me asking anyway) that he had just been up to see his parents.

I have only just realised from what his Sister In-law mentioned, that he was definitely lying, because she had told me that BP hadn't been in contact with his parents for months and months. So much so that letters from the Police/Courts had been coming for BP to his parents, saying that his Drivers License had been suspended and they had no way of contacting him to let him know about all these parking tickets arriving in the mail that were going unpaid, and that BP hadn't been in contact with his parents for months either.

This was his way of punishing them, for also asking him to leave, after his violence had reached breaking point with them too.

At the same time, BP expected (and knew) that his Mother would eventually pay any fines for him, whilst he continued to hate and resent her underneath.

Just like he did to me.

[confused1730]

Roller coaster - quick question. When you say contacted me to see if there is still a hook - still attached - are you saying me being attached to her? Do you think that my ignoring would be seen as her being rejected?

[FoolishMan]

Thanks Foolishman - great advice and you are right it has made me feel bad.  I am sure my nil response will have surprised her given past behaviour. Can I ask though, from your experience what was the purpose of her texting - what is she gaining?

I don't know if they ever gain anything really. My guess would be that she felt shame when she seen you and that the bad feeling did not go away untill she managed to find a negative about you then decided to send you a nasty text. I'm sure your lack of response made her feel angry as well.

In my own experience, she could be begging me back, using her mum and sister and our mutual friends, them all telling me she is suicidal etc, while she arranging to meet up for NSA sex with IMO losers off FB, sending emoticons of love and smiling and probably talking dirty. I found this out because when I took her back we had a wonderful night where she told me how much she loved me and how boring and sad her life had been  for three weeks without me in it, she had baked and painted and cleaned and read the books I'd given her (I saw no evidence of this new way of life) anyway I took her home to her mums afterwards and she left her phone in my car. I tried so hard not to look but when she rang me distraught later on demanding I bring it back to her (1hrs drive) I refused, saying I'd see her at work at 8am. I held out till 3am then read the thing and was driven almost to madness. It couldn't have been any worse. She lied to everyone on that phone, I went back to 2009 on FB and she had kept every message from every boy who'd ever messaged her even people she knocked back. Crazy. I still went back for some more... .

Please don't, you are so much better off without her. I'm 10 months out and doing good. She tried to re engage me after I behaved terribly towards the replacement and beat him up. That she wanted me back after that made me sick. I did it because he had threatened me and made a fool of me in public whilst I was in hell over the B/U and like a walking zombie.

People tell me I'm back, that I look better than ever and I know I'm physically stronger than ever so there have been positives. It was hell though.

[FoolishMan]

Confused, I might be reading this wrong but do you want her to want you back? Do you want to go back? I know I've felt like that at points but really, they are no good as relationship partners.

[Infared]

Seeing you probably startled her, triggered painful memories and made her feel ashamed, so to regain a sense of control she projected/blamed you for being the person doing something 'wrong'. No need to respond, she's gone.

Yes, she didn't text you anything good, look how bad she's made you feel with one tiny bit of contact. If you respond expect to feel terrible soon after. I speak from sad experience

I agree with the above. PwBPD LOVE self-centered drama where they are the victim. It is their life blood. I am sure she told her twisted story to many.  For your own good just stay NC. Nothing has changed she is with someone else, she still acts crazy, tells lies and devalues you.

Mine once pulled up next to me at a red traffic light at night on my left (4 lane highway). Me sitting there minding my own business ... .dum... .dee... .dum... .

I look to my left and she has her dome light on and is leaning across the passenger seat toward me in some sort of glamor pose?     like... .look... ."here is the candy and you can't have any" or who knows what was going on in that nutty mind? No media contact was made. ... much to her dismay I made no contact... .it was a sick trap to get me to make contact so she could feel powerful and devalue me... .I did not play.

I am sure she twisted some batsh^t crazy story to tell others that somehow I had done something wrong. No doubt... .as long as it involved her as the center of attention... .as a victim of some sort.

[downwhim]

Yes, they are so nuts. Attention seekers. Mine is into himself so much. His looks, his car, his ego. I got tired of it all. Mine whipped by me in his sports car with tinted windows so I couldn't get a glimpse of the replacement that is suppose to be my "twin." So very sick they are.

I say let her go and remain N/C. You will see how crazy she is from a distance and won't get hooked into the drama, devaluation and pain.

[confused1730]

Foolish man - you might be right. I guess I am wanting her to want me back... .which is stupid, but I guess where my head is at.

[FoolishMan]

Foolish man - you might be right. I guess I am wanting her to want me back... .which is stupid, but I guess where my head is at.

It's not stupid, I tried in vain to get her back at the start of the BU, but the new boy was amazing in bed and made her so happy, or so she would tell me when I managed to get a response to my heartbroken pleas

It's just one of those things nobody understands untill you go through it.

I have seen what worked to get her back and it sickened me. I could just imagine in later life, when I'm not fit and strong getting cuckolded into an early grave. No way that life's for me.

I can promise you the pain and confusion will go away but NC is my advice to anyone it helps so much. I wouldn't take her back for any reason. Anyone she meets will have a great three months but I'd say that's about it sadly. At least we can break the cycle and recover they can't.

[confused1730]

Foolish man - thanks you are being helpful. Do you believe the 3 month period is critical to them? What I mean is that the idealisation period and then do you believe that the new person starts to fail to live up to expectations?

[FoolishMan]

Foolish man - thanks you are being helpful. Do you believe the 3 month period is critical to them? What I mean is that the idealisation period and then do you believe that the new person starts to fail to live up to expectations?

It seemed going by my relationship with her and her previous ones that it was 'amazing' perfect etc for three months of commitment then a blow up, fall in, blow up cycle started. Nobody made it past a whole year, not even me, the love of her life

I guess you think three months of semi decency is worth a year of pain? That's what you are heading for IMO if you engage her.