Crossroads

[55torn]

I am married to a man (8 years) that has shown signs of a personality disorder for several years. This is all coming to a head in interactions with my two children and 3 grandchildren. These children and grandchildren are all from a previous marriage. My husband was single until age 52. I understood that single to married would be an adjustment. When my children, grandchildren or mother are visiting he is constantly making comments about how much of an imposition it is for them to be there. This has been problematic during the holidays, a natural time for people to get together. He has no diagnosis and I have suggested he (we) seek counseling. I am hoping to find some guidance and support here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Haye]

Have you talked about what holidays mean to both of you? Has he explained what is most difficult for him when your relatives are around? Have you discussed how to deal with those?

Thing is, I can imagine a house full of somebody elses relatives must be really strange and extremely draining to someonw who has been single (and lived alone?) for most of his life. With or without a personality disorder. I had a problem with my ex-husbands family when they visited us - for me they stayed too long and didn't respect our privacy enough, didn't ask me is it okey to stay for x days, for them it seemed that their brother's or son's home was theirs as well. I need to mention I've been sharing my life and house with someone almost always, unlike your husband.

I am aware that I'm a bit more introvert compared to ex-husband family and I do know I get overwhelmed with company faster than an average person - my ex never really understood that, never really respected my need to have our house to us only etc. It's also about different family styles i guess. My parents and the rest of my family weren't close and for example we never stayed over at someone's house. We'd see each other not very often and then it would be drinking a cup of coffee, or such.

Not knowing how badly your husband behaves while your relatives are around I can only guess.

I'd suggest trying to find some way to cope with holidays and visit which is okey for both of you. Perhaps you could agree he could go fishing (or whatever he likes to do) while there's people in the house.  Or maybe just greets them fast, perhaps has a dinner and for the rest of time spends his time alone in a TV room or such. I don't know, is it possible you expect him to be social for a longer time he is genuinly able to? Or expect him to handle lots of people in his house for days?