I left, but GUILT is eating me inside out.

[peace_seeker]

After he left my stuff outside my door (with our torn and cut up photos), I've also returned him his stuff and the engagement ring. I just left it outside his house, but dropped his mom a msg to asked her to pick it up.

Later at night my friend told me that he posted something on FB about how he is going through the million cycles of griefing, and he will never get over me getting over him.

Even though this makes no sense because he is the one who refuse to work things out and choose to treat me harshly, the way he left makes me feel responsible for this breakup. And hearing about this FB status is making things worse.  It some how makes me feel really guilty about leaving him instead of submitting to him like how i used to. And it felt like he was being extremely mean because he was desperate for a reaction from me to help him. And i'm feeling so guilty for leaving, for being selfish. so much so that my anxieties are coming back again. Am I being crazy here? Can someone pls knock some sense into me?

[Mutt]

Hi peace_seeker,



It's heartbreaking to hear photos were torn up and the engagement ring was given back. Not fun

He's exagerrating when he says he's going through a "million cycles of grieving" (a little dramatic? You're going through difficult stuff too) and he's telegraphing his helplessness publicly.

Borderline waif.

Has he displayed other behaviors other than helplessness? Perhaps he switches to controlling, fearful and punishing behaviors.

His helplessness can trigger sympathy (he wants sympathy on the internet right?) and feelings of guilt and obligation.

It takes two people in a r/s. He refused to work things out and treated you harshly.

Why should you have the lion's share of the failures of your relationship?

[peace_seeker]

Has he displayed other behaviors other than helplessness? Perhaps he switches to controlling, fearful and punishing behaviors.

Dear Mutt, 

Thanks for replying. He has displayed punishing behaviors during this breakup. He asked me to returned him some money, and in his emails he even said things like how he hope in the future when i see other couples talking and having a private chat I would get reminded that i could have him by my side sharing a private joke and kissing me on the cheek if not for my brother and how i chose to choose my bro over him. and how he torned up the photos and returned them to me. it is really very unnecessary and it is very heart wrenching.

His helplessness can trigger sympathy (he wants sympathy on the internet right?) and feelings of guilt and obligation.

It takes two people in a r/s. He refused to work things out and treated you harshly.

Why should you have the lion's share of the failures of your relationship?

Rationally i know i dont have to, and it is not my responsibility to heal his BPD. But somehow what he wrote on FB just kills me. When I looked back at how he has been reacting as time passed by during this break up, it seems as time passed, his verbal abuses just seems to get worse and worse whenever he contacts me. That was why I really decided to give up on him, for it seems like he has painted me black and every contact that we have will trigger something really bad in him. That was what i thought and that was why i walked away. But now that I've left, I'm wondering if it was even possible that his abuses got worse and worse only because he was too prideful to apologise, yet he could sense that I'm leaving, and hence getting more and more desperate to hurt me to get a response? Even though I know it's sick to even ask this question, could it be possible that he was in his warped BPD way trying /hoping that his hurtful act could trigger a response from me to keep him out of his misery, and it is indeed true that I've left him down?


And another question... .I know that NPD do sometimes act like victims after a breakup. Is acting like a victim to solicit sympathy from others a trademark of BPD as well?

Many thanks in advance!

[Mutt]

how i chose to choose my bro over him

It's frustrating and hurtful when a SO says we're choosing a family member over them. I'm sorry. I can relate.

My sister was split bad. My ex was detaching intimately from the relationship and said "Mutt you'd rather sleep with your sister than me" hurtful words. It strained relationships in the family. If I called my sister I knew it would cause conflict. Sadly, I often chose to not call family to prevent conflict.

Was your brother split bad?

how he torned up the photos and returned them to me. it is really very unnecessary and it is very heart wrenching.

It's hurtful, I'm sorry.

I'm wondering if it was even possible that his abuses got worse and worse only because he was too prideful to apologise, yet he could sense that I'm leaving, and hence getting more and more desperate to hurt me to get a response?

He feels low self worth and has a unstable sense of self, not knowing who he truly is. It's not so much pride that he wasn't apologizing ( although he could be a prideful person) A pwBPD have many defense mechanisms that act sub-consciously to protect the ego.

He may of blamed you often for his actions. It's projection, taking one's own actions and feelings and attributing it to someone else.

A pwBPD fear abandonment real or perceived. At the center if this disorder is abandonment, abandonment fears, a narcissistic injury, the core wound of abandonment. Intimacy triggers the disorder.

If he sensed he was being abandoned he was surely acting out because he fears abandonment.

I'm wondering if it was

And another question... .I know that NPD do sometimes act like victims after a breakup. Is acting like a victim to solicit sympathy from others a trademark of BPD as well?

Here's an article that describes the four sub-role types identified by Dr Lawson in her book "Understanding The Borderline Mother".

Borderline Personality Disorder can manifest itself in mutliple ways. In her book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, Dr. Christine Lawson describes four role types which BPD is exemplified by:

~the Waif,

~the Hermit,

~the Queen, and

~the Witch.

The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.  Each requires a different approach. Don't let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. Don't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them. Don't allow yourself to be alone with the Witch; maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety. And with the Waif, don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization; "pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

I understand it's frustrating your ex is broadcasting his feelings on the internet. Have you given it thought to block him on Facebook? Are you getting this information from friends? Do you talk to him?

I apologize peace_keeper. I don't know the back-story.

[Elpis]

Hi peace_seeker.

That's a pretty familiar feeling to me about my uBPDh too--I can feel guilt in half a heartbeat when he says certain things! I've been separated from him since mid February this year, and he definitely knows where every button on me is to push. Knowing that i'm a kind and loving person has caused me to question myself when he's said things to make me perhaps feel sorry for him and forget what he just did to me that was cruel. It's a way of turning their own action back on us, saying or doing something hurtful, we have a boundary where we won't respond, and they say something that makes us doubt whether we really are that kind and loving person.

My therapist tells me to think about "what is the truth" and that helps me take it back to the original problem, not the one my h added on to draw the attention off of him.

Maybe that's what's happening with you?

[peace_seeker]

Here's an article that describes the four sub-role types identified by Dr Lawson in her book "Understanding The Borderline Mother".

Borderline Personality Disorder can manifest itself in mutliple ways. In her book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, Dr. Christine Lawson describes four role types which BPD is exemplified by:

~the Waif,

~the Hermit,

~the Queen, and

~the Witch.

The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.  Each requires a different approach. Don't let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. Don't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them. Don't allow yourself to be alone with the Witch; maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety. And with the Waif, don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization; "pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

I understand it's frustrating your ex is broadcasting his feelings on the internet. Have you given it thought to block him on Facebook? Are you getting this information from friends? Do you talk to him?

I apologize peace_keeper. I don't know the back-story.

Hi Mutt,

Thanks for sharing this info. I am just wondering, for Waif, do they just act like a victim, or do they truly believe that they are the victim? He has blocked me on FB and I have heard all these from common friends.

To give a bit of background:

He quarreled with my brother and  my bro complained to me about him. He kept mum about the whole incident, until I asked him about it. But he took my asking very negatively and concluded that I sided my brother. And no matter how I try to explain, he refuse to accept my apology and insist that I always put others before him. And alot many other quarrels later, he threw me an ultimatum- to cut ties with my brother, or break up with him. and of course i cant leave my family behind. So he left, and to him, I'm the one who let him down cos i've chosen my brother over him.

Over the past 3 months, the only mode of communication that we had is via email to settle necessary stuff (housing, cancellation of wedding banquet etc). But just before new year, he texted me. He texted me to ask me to cancel my data subscription which he was previously using  for his ipad. And I didn’t respond. Half an hour later, he texted me another text to tell me that the really hates me for destroying his life, and that him keeping mum about the quarrel was to protect me, but yet I brought the quarrel into our house and destroyed his life. I replied, telling him that I still love him and I know that he loved me true and deep but just that he needs to turn this love into hatred to protect himself and I’ll respect his need to do so. And that I will always keep a place in my heart for him and I hope he will take care of himself. After which he just told me to go f88k myself, and not to reply him anymore.

I am deeply upset by this whole incident. To me, I take his act of texting me as a sign of him trying  to solicit a response out of me (since I haven’t been replying to his earlier nasty mails and ended up returning this stuff to him instead). And I take his need to solicit a response out of me as an indication that he still cares about this relationship and he’s not completely gone yet. And somehow this made me really ‘happy’, knowing that he’s still ‘in’ this r/s as well. But I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way, because all his actions are pointing towards the direction of leaving and breaking away. But yet I can’t get my mind off this ‘addiction’ to try to interpret his every actions as he still cares…

It also pains me a lot to see how badly he’s struggling. So many of the stories here talks about their ex BPD moving on quickly and happily to the next target... Somehow I wish that he’s one of them. Even though it’ll be painful for me, at least I’ll know that he’s just sick and a complete BPD. But simply because he’s struggling and self-harming (by drinking and stuff), it makes me wonder if he’s actually a BPD, or if he is really struggling because maybe he might be slightly aware that he has an issue and he is just trying very hard to solicit a response from me to help him, or could it be possible that I really let him down?

The ironic thing is, when i think about how this breakup evolve, I know for sure that I definitely did the right thing. Which decent person would force his love one to break ties with their family? But yet i can't stop feeling sorry for him, that I've added another scar of abandonment to his already wounded heart (he was abandoned by his dad when he was young), and I still cannot shake away the guilt and worry of 'hurting' him. I have been trying very hard to remind myself that I'm just giong through the guilt stage, sometimes i can get it off my chest for a brief moment, but most of the time this guilt is still weighing me down.

Hi peace_seeker.

've been separated from him since mid February this year, and he definitely knows where every button on me is to push. Knowing that i'm a kind and loving person has caused me to question myself when he's said things to make me perhaps feel sorry for him and forget what he just did to me that was cruel. It's a way of turning their own action back on us, saying or doing something hurtful, we have a boundary where we won't respond, and they say something that makes us doubt whether we really are that kind and loving person.

My therapist tells me to think about "what is the truth" and that helps me take it back to the original problem, not the one my h added on to draw the attention off of him.

Maybe that's what's happening with you?

Hi Elpis,

I think you might be right on this. Like I've mentioned about, I think he was trying v hard to solicit a response out of me. (If not why would he suddenly text me when all these while we only corresponded via email?) I am trying v hard to focus on the 'truth', but the co-dependent part of me sometimes still wonder if i can be his 'savior'. the thing is, i know i am in no power to change him, but should i at least try telling him that he needs therapy and at least 'alert' him of his own issues?

[Elpis]

The chances of your ex actually hearing your message are pretty minimal--when they feel the victim its driven by feelings they equate to truth. He (like my uBPDh) will have to realize how his beliefs and actions are causing such large problems in their relationships on their own, and then choose to get help. They aren't listening to us anyway.

That's all due to how deeply entrenched their faulty beliefs are. Now is the perfect time to work on your own healing! 

Elpis

[Lucky Jim]

Hi peace keeper, I would say that your feelings are quite normal in the aftermath of a b/u with a pwBPD.  You probably know that those w/BPD use F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) in order to manipulate and control us Nons.  I was definitely susceptible to all three.  I would say that those w/BPD are experts at making us Nons feel like we are the sole problem or that we are the sole cause for the b/u, which is ridiculous in a r/s with two adults.  Don't fall for it!  I understand that you are going through a difficult time, but the best course, in my view, is to stay strong and continue the path apart from your ExBPD.  It's hard, but leads to greater happiness.  LuckyJim

P.S.  Agree w/Elpis that any attempt on your part to tell him about BPD is likely to be poorly received and best left to professionals.

[mitchell16]

i can relate to you I alway felt guilty like i did something wrong. I still do at times. When I hear how my ex puts on fb all her sorrows over our relationship. You would think I was the one who cheated and lied or got drunk and raged, which was never the case. She was the one in our last convesation that tld me she was going to start dating other people and that she has already started dating while we was " working it out" What works for me is to rememeber that I didnt do anything wrong, I never lied to her, cheated on her or lashed out at her in a drunken rage. She did all that and she was responsible for cause the relationship to fail.