Why did he even ask me to marry him?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Can someone please help me out? Why would a man without any pressure from his gf ask her to go pick out a ring, get on one knee, ask her to marry him, tell both families, profess his love saying, "I am all in"make plans for both of us moving in a new home together and within then POOF. GONE.

I made plans for my life with him. I have remained N/C for 2 1/2 months I am still in pain. He has replacement moved in... .Don't know whether I should hate him or not.

[downwhim]

Can someone please help me out? Why would a man without any pressure from his gf ask her to go pick out a ring, get on one knee, ask her to marry him, tell both families, profess his love saying, "I am all in"make plans for both of us moving in a new home together and within then POOF. GONE.

I made plans for my life with him. I have remained N/C for 2 1/2 months I am still in pain. He has replacement moved in... .Don't know whether I should hate him or not.

[fromheeltoheal]

Because he was chasing a fantasy, the one where you would never leave so his fear of abandonment would finally go away, problem is he got so close the intensity of the emotions skyrocketed, he started feeling engulfed, meaning he would lose himself if he got any closer to you, so he bailed, the only available option in his head.

I'm sorry downwhim, being on the receiving end of that is extremely painful.  It wasn't about the replacement either, the replacement was there so he could deal with the emotions around his relationship with you, you might have been someone's replacement at some point, and he will surely be looking for a replacement for the replacement when the wheels come off that relationship.  Should you hate him?  Maybe for a while, anger is a stage of the grieving process, but eventually you may accept that he's doing the best he can with the tools he has, playing the hand he was dealt, a poor one, the best he can.  It's hard to believe that, you may want to shake the crap out of him and tell him to wake up and get it together, but there is no together in a personality that is labelled disordered for a reason.  I have compassion for my ex today, she walks a very tough road and keeps making the same mistakes, and she's in much more pain than I was, at least mine was temporary, and slowly, as you shift the focus from him to you and from the past to the future, you may find that the lessons learned through this pain are valuable, you'll look back on it as a gift, and maybe that compassion for him will show up too.  In the meantime, take very good care of yourself as you put one foot in front of the other.

[Mutt]

Can someone please help me out? Why would a man without any pressure from his gf ask her to go pick out a ring, get on one knee, ask her to marry him, tell both families, profess his love saying, "I am all in"make plans for both of us moving in a new home together and within then POOF. GONE.

I made plans for my life with him. I have remained N/C for 2 1/2 months I am still in pain. He has replacement moved in... .Don't know whether I should hate him or not.

Hi downwhim,

This is difficult and painful stuff

I would like to add.

Lack of impulse control and consequences of one's actions and learning from one's impulsive acts.

[Matt8888]

I'm a man and my girl proposed to me and did the same thing.  I had reservations from the start.  Knew with almost certainty that it would never go through.

Why do they do this?  Many reasons.  But I think the feeling of engulfment is too much for them to handle.  She talked me into buying a much more expensive ring than I would have gotten, but now the relationship is over and I'm going to have to take a big loss to sell it.  This all went down a few days before Christmas after I had bought the ENTIRE Christmas for her kids.

A bigger question I have is why we as nons can't go with our intuition and run when we see the red flags.  I got myself into a big mess and now have had the loneliest holiday ever.  I'm living downstairs apartment from my ex.  Desperately trying to find renters so I'm not in constraint stress being so close to the woman I love.

The fact that I still love and care for this woman who has no feelings of empathy or appreciation makes me wonder if I'm not sicker than her.

[Indyan]

Yes, just before I got pregnant, he proposed, sort of.

I didn't answer and he said "I leave you to it".

Thanks God I didn't say yes.

I remember him talking about "the best wedding dress for Mama" with my D10 in May or June.

In July he was gone.

He's a poor man.

[downwhim]

Fromheetoheal,

I know, your right. He felt engulfed. He was overwhelmed with the idea. And the impulsivity to get me to the point to move in. He thought this was the only way.

I cannot wait until the healing part is over and I am whole again. When as you say, I can look back and have learned from this experience.

I saw   's all over but loved him and did not want to leave. I too feel sicker than him at times. Going to t next week.

I so appreciate your response. I needed this help and this board is a lifeline. Thank you.

[hergestridge]

Should you hate him?  Maybe for a while, anger is a stage of the grieving process, but eventually you may accept that he's doing the best he can with the tools he has, playing the hand he was dealt, a poor one, the best he can.  It's hard to believe that, you may want to shake the crap out of him and tell him to wake up and get it together, but there is no together in a personality that is labelled disordered for a reason.  

What mystifies me is exactly why we should forgive and be compassionate towards someone who have done things like these to us. They have no use for the compassion. It only makes it easier for them to repeat the same thing over once again. They abuse compassion. Slightest hint of sympathy and they take is as a receipt that they were in the right in everything they did.

And what is the point for us to forgive someone who has done something like this to us?

Would that be for our own peace of mind? I sleep so very well at night knowing that I feel no compassion at all for the person who wasted 20 years of my life and I have no plans of forgiving her. All this while my love for other people and my inner life blossoms in all possible ways.

Is it just because forgiving and being compassionate is the "decent thing do"? Because it is not right to resent an ill person?

These people have disordered personalities and I think we have to ask ourselves what a natural response to such a personality is. And what the consequences are if we are compassionate and forgiving towards people with DPs.

[Indyan]

What mystifies me is exactly why we should forgive and be compassionate towards someone who have done things like these to us. They have no use for the compassion. It only makes it easier for them to repeat the same thing over once again. They abuse compassion. Slightest hint of sympathy and they take is as a receipt that they were in the right in everything they did.

And what is the point for us to forgive someone who has done something like this to us?

Would that be for our own peace of mind? I sleep so very well at night knowing that I feel no compassion at all for the person who wasted 20 years of my life and I have no plans of forgiving her. All this while my love for other people and my inner life blossoms in all possible ways.

Is it just because forgiving and being compassionate is the "decent thing do"? Because it is not right to resent an ill person?

These people have disordered personalities and I think we have to ask ourselves what a natural response to such a personality is. And what the consequences are if we are compassionate and forgiving towards people with DPs.

You've summarized well the dilemma here, which is the one when judging any criminal: are they conscious of their actions (and hence do not deserve our pity) or are they too sick to be conscious (and hence we cannot resent them for their actions)?

I think this is the hardest part for me in this r/s, I've forgiven soo much, too much in fact because of his "illness", yet not getting ANY respect or gratitude for it in return.

But hang on Indyan, HE does NOT consider himself as being ill, and neither does society (at this stage anyway). So why should I?

[fromheeltoheal]

Should you hate him?  Maybe for a while, anger is a stage of the grieving process, but eventually you may accept that he's doing the best he can with the tools he has, playing the hand he was dealt, a poor one, the best he can.  It's hard to believe that, you may want to shake the crap out of him and tell him to wake up and get it together, but there is no together in a personality that is labelled disordered for a reason.  

What mystifies me is exactly why we should forgive and be compassionate towards someone who have done things like these to us. They have no use for the compassion. It only makes it easier for them to repeat the same thing over once again. They abuse compassion. Slightest hint of sympathy and they take is as a receipt that they were in the right in everything they did.

And what is the point for us to forgive someone who has done something like this to us?

Would that be for our own peace of mind? I sleep so very well at night knowing that I feel no compassion at all for the person who wasted 20 years of my life and I have no plans of forgiving her. All this while my love for other people and my inner life blossoms in all possible ways.

Is it just because forgiving and being compassionate is the "decent thing do"? Because it is not right to resent an ill person?

These people have disordered personalities and I think we have to ask ourselves what a natural response to such a personality is. And what the consequences are if we are compassionate and forgiving towards people with DPs.

It's not necessary to forgive and it doesn't have to have anything to do with them; as you mention, forgiveness is for you, not him, for your own peace of mind.  It doesn't have to be a focus either, sometimes it just shows up.  As I got distance from my ex and repaired myself and my life, and started living a much better life on my terms, I find myself thinking about her and her situation once in a while from a completely detached place, no emotional energy around it, and connecting with how very difficult it is to be her, now that I understand why she does what she does and what the focus is.  I end up feeling sorry for her, compassionate, while also having absolutely no desire to have anything to do with her, and I'm fine with that.

But if that doesn't show up, there's always revenge.  The best revenge is success, and success is a life well lived.  As we shift the focus from our exes to ourselves and from the past to the future, and take steps in the direction of the life of our dreams, which we appreciate more since we've done time in hell, we will find that we never forget, the memories will always be there, but there's no emotional energy around them either, there's just benign tidbits of our past, fading as we move forward.  That works too.

[downwhim]

I feel lost and angry at times and try to look down the road to a healthier life but now it is like baby steps everyday to get to the healing stage.

I work out, I keep busy but the lonely times and memories engulf me. I do not think he should get off the hook so easily. Why should he not have to pay for the pain he has caused? That part I do not get and yet wonder will he ever get to feel the knife in his gut too as it gets twisted? Not sure. Moving on seems to be so simple and directed for him. Illness or not.

My reality is that this is over yet nothing seems fair. My life is 100 percent different than 3 months ago. Life is not fair, I know this but these really sick people run with our love abuse it and laugh it off... .

Time you say is what it takes. The clock seems to tick way too slowly for me.

[myself]

My now-ex wanted to get married. I did too.

Offered her a ring and she accepted. Plans were made, etc.

Being that intimate, and seeing it was her path if married, triggered her.

There wasn't a legitimate cause for the breakup so she made stuff up.

She said goodbye, kept the ring, and has mostly disappeared since then.

Getting asked/being loved meant more than following through with living it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I do not think he should get off the hook so easily. Why should he not have to pay for the pain he has caused? That part I do not get and yet wonder will he ever get to feel the knife in his gut too as it gets twisted? Not sure. Moving on seems to be so simple and directed for him. Illness or not.

It's easy to add more chaos to your life so you don't feel the wreckage you've created, but during the quiet times at night when my ex was alone she'd ball up in a fetal position, rock back and forth and moan, and her teenage daughter had to play adult until my ex could get out of bed, which could take days.  BPD is very severe payback for pain caused, a life sentence glossed over with defense mechanisms; your pain is temporary, his is permanent.  That may not feel too good right now, but it's true.

Life is not fair

What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  What can you make what went down mean that is empowering for you?  Find at least one thing.

Time you say is what it takes. The clock seems to tick way too slowly for me.

To put numbers on it, my relationship lasted 9 months and it took the better part of a year to get over.  It wasn't pretty but I feel like I grew several years in that year and life is getting very, very good.  One foot in front of the other and it will happen, promise.

[hergestridge]

A couple things said here that I would like to comment:

1. It's either forgiveness or revenge.

You don't have to chose. I can't forgive my wife for what she did to me, but I find no satisfaction in getting back at her or "making her pay".

2. "What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?"

Is there some religious cosmology at work here? As if there was a lesson to learn?

If was just lucky to get out of my relationship with a BPD woman who continously threatened to take her life if I even mentioned the idea of leaving her. She hated and made my life hell on a daily basis, still insisting on staying with me. That could very well have gone on till the day I died. Would I have wasted my life for a reason. Would my daughter have grown up in that kind of family for a reason?

There are very few lessons to be learnt from the "BPD experience". It is a post rationalization because it feels much better if it wasn't just a waste of time.

We spend so much time trying to understand BPD behavior that we end up thinking it makes sense, with all the childhood traumas and the core wounds. It's easy to forget that it does not make sense at all. They are disordered and can't get along with people. Sometimes I think all this fixation on "insight" can be part of the problem really.

[Indyan]

Is there some religious cosmology at work here? As if there was a lesson to learn?

Not quite.

Some people say that we let them do this to us (up to a point) or we are drawn to them in the first place BECAUSE they are things that are not "clear" about ourselves: soft boundaries, need to "prove" ourselves something (that we can save someone, that an unstable person can love us or whatever), need to be needed etc.

[fromheeltoheal]

Is there some religious cosmology at work here? As if there was a lesson to learn?

If was just lucky to get out of my relationship with a BPD woman who continously threatened to take her life if I even mentioned the idea of leaving her. She hated and made my life hell on a daily basis, still insisting on staying with me. That could very well have gone on till the day I died. Would I have wasted my life for a reason. Would my daughter have grown up in that kind of family for a reason?

There are very few lessons to be learnt from the "BPD experience". It is a post rationalization because it feels much better if it wasn't just a waste of time.

We spend so much time trying to understand BPD behavior that we end up thinking it makes sense, with all the childhood traumas and the core wounds. It's easy to forget that it does not make sense at all. They are disordered and can't get along with people. Sometimes I think all this fixation on "insight" can be part of the problem really.

What if borderlines made it through genetic selection and exist because they have a purpose?  What if a borderline shows up in someone's life when it's time to learn the next lessons, as in when the student is ready the teacher will appear?

It is a post rationalization because it feels much better if it wasn't just a waste of time.

Could that be the point?  Not being able to forgive, not being satisfied with healthy 'revenge', concluding that everything happens by luck, and considering it all a waste of time may be considered disempowering, beliefs that are devoid of hope and enthusiasm.  There's what happens and what we make it mean, two different things, and finding empowering meanings in challenging situations is one way to take control of our lives.  Are we doing things or having things done to us?  Empowering questions can give us an empowered focus, as life just keeps getting better and better.