WOMEN: what is the typical intro FEMALE story?

[Randi Kreger]

If you've been here awhile, I'm sure you've noticed so many stories have things in common. That's why we're here. But men and women tend to have different stories. For one thing, usually the husband has some narcissistic symptoms as well, and sometimes they are more overtly controlling and there is some fear involved. At least, that's what I have noticed.

I am looking for the "typical female spouse story" similar to the "typical male story" below for a book., so if you write something, please understand I may use it to help other women feel validated and get the lightbulb effect for a book. Go ahead and change some details if you want (or I can later if you ask me). . THANKS!

Here is the "typical male story" (I have permission to share this).

I'm at my lowest point.Exactly one week ago, my wife asked for a divorce. I came home after finishing the year's work, preparing to take her out to dinner and celebrate. She promptly told me that she 'couldn't do it anymore', that she never loved me, that she'd been living a lie for almost 15 years of marriage. Recently, I've been working hard to finish up my business duties before the close of 2014. I had noticed a gradual decline in mood over the past 3 weeks, but this was a complete shock to me. Just a month ago, she'd told me that we'd be together at 80. We got married in early 2000 after a whirlwind romance. She was gorgeous, energetic and exciting. It was a wild time, and from the beginning she stuck to me like a limpet mine - telling me over and over that I was her 'white knight'. Shortly after our honeymoon, my wife divulged the sheer horror of her childhood. Her father inflicted severe, repetitive, alcohol-related sexual abuse upon her, from when she was 3 until around 15 years old. From my own experience, I could relate, although I'd been spared the sexual side of it. I had vivid memories of my mother being drunk and abusive until a family intervention when I was in my twenties. The first serious incident occurred at the end of 2000. We had a fun night at a club one Friday evening. On the way out we were temporarily separated from each other in the parking lot. I returned to our car and found her waiting, glaring at me with eyes as black as night. As we drove off she was unusually silent in the passenger seat. A few minutes later, as we turned onto the highway, she suddenly turned on me, screaming incoherently, punching and pulling my hair. Positioning herself with her back against the passenger door, she began to kick wildly at my ribs and head. I somehow managed to drive off the highway, and stop the car. As I got out, she began hitting me - and three guys came to her aid, thinking I was being abusive to her. Realising the potential danger, I ran to a friend's house. Upon seeing my bruised face, my friend thought I'd been beaten up by bouncers. When I returned home the next morning, she told me she had no idea what had happened. It was the first of many such occasions.18 months into our marriage, she suddenly decided that she didn't love me anymore. I had forgotten to call her one night when she was on a work trip with a colleague. This convinced her that I didn't love her, and so she didn't want to be married to me. She left me to spend some time with her sister. I was devastated, since I loved her very much. When she returned however, she told me that she wanted to give it another go.Our son was born the following year. We had two more daughters over the next five years. In that same time, we lost one business, got into crazy debt, started another business and moved six times. She didn't work, choosing to look after our kids - something which I have always appreciated, since she's mostly very good with our kids. This put a lot of strain on me to put food on the table. The finances were a constant source of fighting, where she'd accuse me of not being 'man enough' since I was not providing enough. I disagreed, pointing out that on one salary we had enough to eat, live, have fun, travel and educate our kids. Another continual accusation was that I was too controlling over our money. My concern, in response, was that she was a wild spender and could not manage to hold onto any amount of money- small or large. After 12 years of financial struggle, last year we finally managed to buy a big house with a big garden. My new business is successful, and I bought her a big 4x4 to celebrate. The home and car had been her dream since we met. A few months after we moved in she decided she hated the house. 14 years of marriage has been marked by monstrous fights, physical attacks, jealous rages, extreme accusations, heightened fear of abandonment, deceit and manipulation. A feature has been a regular biannual crisis where she decides to question life, love, meaning - everything. This has always been an incredibly stressful time for me, marked by drunken driving, all night disappearances, sexting other guys and, of course, a lot of fighting. It is a miracle that, as far as I can see, we've protected our kids from any serious wounds, both physically or psychologically. A year ago - after a stint at a local counselling centre to treat her bulimia - she was first diagnosed as BPD at the age of 41. I was almost giddy with joy at this revelation. It explained everything, and confirmed that there was indeed a rational explanation for our story. However, my wife became instantly depressed and moody. To her, the diagnosis felt like yet another 'label' to add to the dozens of others she'd been given in her life. The way my wife functions is God's own private mystery. One the one hand, she is a petulant, violent teenager determined to pull the walls down around her - not to mention, highly convincing when making false accusations. On the other, she is an alluring, whip-smart, funny, stunningly beautiful woman. This second persona is the one that I remember the most, and that I cling to, even now. I love her. At my core, I don't want my marriage to end. This is entirely her choice, despite the fact that most guys would have ended it with her after that first incident. I'm aware some questions need to be asked about my decision to stick around - and what it says about my own psychological make-up. A week after her bombshell announcement, I feel like the wind has been sucked out of me. I'm anxious and struggling to breathe. After a relatively peaceful year, where I thought we'd gotten past the worst of it, she's now treating me like a stranger in our own house. Cutting, malicious remarks are about the only conversation she's prepared to make - and her response to my incredulity is "Sorry, but it's over - I feel absolutely nothing for this marriage." It feels to me like the evil that was handed to that young girl so many years ago has beaten us - and it completely and utterly breaks my heart that our marriage has failed to break this legacy. I'm conscious that this splitting episode might end sometime in the near future, and she could redeclare her love for me - but I don't know whether I can (or should) agree to continuing our relationship. I'm scared for our financial health. I'm worried about the impact on our kids, to whom I've always said "family sticks together". I'm concerned about my own state of mind and my rising anxiety levels. My self esteem is at an all time low. I'm at a loss here, and any advice or input is appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.