2 months post b/u 30 days NC. She has been at my place the last 2 nights.

[Xidion]

I've been posting in the leaving bored to detach from my uBPDexgf. Now I'm posting here for advice.

I will spare many details. The length of the relationship was 20 months. There were mistakes and distrust in the relationship from both side. She is the one who ended it. She left with a replacement.

She texted me after 30 days of no contact with the question, "Why do you think I have BPD?". Our last conversation was me telling her that I think she has ot.

Long story short, we texted about it and she asked if it would be easier to talk face to face. I said yes.

She came over for about 2 hours. We talked about her and that she thinks she may have some sort of problem. I told her what I know of BPD and told her to seek professional guidance if she wants to know more. We hung out. And talk about how each other has been. I acted indifferent and the relationship was never brought up. She left, we didn't hug. All was okay.

She texted and said thanks for talking to me.

I responded the next morning. She said it was good to see me and that she liked how we hung out.

I invited her over tonight. She came over st 8:30, left at 11:30.

We watched a movie and talked a lot. I told her I think it was for the best that our relationship ended and that there was no trust. She agreed.

She started to shed a tear randomly. I asked her what was wrong. She wouldn't tell me, so I stopped asking. She wiped it away and we continued to laugh and watch the movie.

30 minutes later she started crying again, I asked what was wrong, she said he just needed to stop thinking about it. I acted indifferent and stopped didn't ask again.

15 minutes later she said that it's a little weird being here and teared up. (It was our first apartment together). I asked her why she came to see me. She simply said, "because I wanted to see you". I asked if she was embarrassed to talk about what she was crying about. She said yes. She continued watching the movie. She was in a generally good mood. When she left I took her to the door, nothing awkward. No hug, and she left.

She is still with the replacement. She said she doesn't see it going anywhere and that he buys her stuff, so she is going to do what she wants. I told her that his feelings may be real and that she shouldn't lead him on.

Overall I had a good time hanging out with her. I'm detached enough that I'm able to remain completely indifferent and not talk about our relationship in a hopeful manner.

I question why I did this. Obviously deep down I still feel something, but I am not allowing my heart to get involved.

I'm just looking for guidance, red flags, possible outcome, etc.

Is she trying to triangulate? She hasn't made any advances, nor have I.

[Infern0]

Is this an attempt to triangulate?

Come on man... .

It's not hard to see where this is heading.

Let me predict the future for you. She will continue asking to see you and telling you how unhappy she is with the replacement,  you will start to get feelings for her again. She will tell you she's "confused" and like she still has feelings for you.  I give it 2 weeks max until she has sex with you.


 You will lose your frame and tell her you have feelings for her too. She will stay with the replacement though.

You will get tired of the push pull and either get angry at her or ask why she is leading you on etc. Then you get painted black and she tells you she hates you and will love the replacement forever and will never leave him.

You then go no contact and after a couple weeks she will text asking to "talk"

Mark it down bro I seen this coming a mile off,  she was setting the stage last night.

[Xidion]

I'm sure you're right. That's why I'm asking for the advice. I've remained completely indifferent.  I'm still feeling detached.  I guess I was curious to see the behavior first hand.

[paperlung]

Is this an attempt to triangulate?

Come on man... .

It's not hard to see where this is heading.

Let me predict the future for you. She will continue asking to see you and telling you how unhappy she is with the replacement,  you will start to get feelings for her again. She will tell you she's "confused" and like she still has feelings for you.  I give it 2 weeks max until she has sex with you.


 You will lose your frame and tell her you have feelings for her too. She will stay with the replacement though.

You will get tired of the push pull and either get angry at her or ask why she is leading you on etc. Then you get painted black and she tells you she hates you and will love the replacement forever and will never leave him.

You then go no contact and after a couple weeks she will text asking to "talk"

Mark it down bro I seen this coming a mile off,  she was setting the stage last night.

Yup. From an outsider's perspective, this is pretty clear.

[Blimblam]

She knows your not indifferent because you invited her over.  But the path you are walking on is the one that leads to you being a back door man. You might want to examine your core values and make a list of them versus the actions and decisions you make or are enabling.

[Joshuaua]

I'm sure you're right. That's why I'm asking for the advice. I've remained completely indifferent.  I'm still feeling detached.  I guess I was curious to see the behavior first hand.

this is almost definitely triangulation in the making. And it's so hard to turn down cause who doesn't love getting laid, and if we're all being honest here... We miss our Ex's. My ex did something very similar and I played right into it. She came to town, had a Bf at the time, slept with me and "loved" me again and I fell for her again. Finally she "ended" it with him.  Then she wanted to go back to the city where her BF lives while he was home for work for a few days, I asked her if she was gynna see him, she flipped out at me for hours. The next day she calls and says she's going back to him.    It's likely to be the same story for you. She'll stir those old feelings up, she'll go all nutty again , and she'll go back to her replacement. It's kind of too late once there's a replacement in the picture.

[Trog]

You are going to get hurt. Why play with fire this way? She is staying with him cos he buys her stuff? How utterly foul! You don't need to play Russian roulette this way, you played once and you got your tackle shot off. I played this game three times, the third time I was close to suicide and in between times believed I could handle it. What is she bringing you? A sense of danger, do you feel like a big man now she is emotionally cheating on her current bf with you? Don't be that guy, if you can't respect him, respect you. You wanted to know if she is unhappy, she will always be so, now you know, leave it be. 

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

You are going to get hurt. Why play with fire this way? She is staying with him cos he buys her stuff? How utterly foul! You don't need to play Russian roulette this way, you played once and you got your tackle shot off. I played this game three times, the third time I was close to suicide and in between times believed I could handle it. What is she bringing you? A sense of danger, do you feel like a big man now she is emotionally cheating on her current bf with you? Don't be that guy, if you can't respect him, respect you. You wanted to know if she is unhappy, she will always be so, now you know, leave it be. 

I have to agree here totally.  She got herself a replacement - she gave you your marching orders.  That is what they do once you fall in love and get intimate.  It is like trading stocks - know when to sell up and move on.  This stock won't be paying any dividends.

[fromheeltoheal]

You aren't looking for advice, you're asking us to tell you what you won't admit to yourself.  The best path is to tell yourself the truth as you move over to the Undecided board.

[Ripped Heart]

Xidion,

I've been reading your posts with great interest and have to agree with many people here about what is going on and also your feelings towards your exgf. The key word you keep using that gives it away is that twice you said you 'acted' indifferent. Indicating that you didn't truly want to be indifferent but did to appease her and keep her in your life. Nothing at all wrong with that if that is what you truly want but as fromheeltoheal mentions, you might do better on the Undecided boards.

I know exactly where you are coming from because I'm playing cat and mouse with my gf right now and putting on an act of indifference all the same. I know mine is an act because its tearing me up, but I'm also not prepared to give up on her just yet.

If its what you want, then go for it but I would suggest some firm boundaries for you, mostly to protect yourself and minimise your own pain. The main one I would suggest is not to become part of the triangle. Whilever you are the 3rd person, her interests are solely on her own survival, she needs you to fill that gap she isn't getting with replacement and you are just a name in a hat because she knows she can get that from you. If she is serious about you and that you can fulfil what she needs, why keep the replacement? You have something she needs as does he so whilever there are 2 people she isn't going to let go.

Another question, you know about him but does he know about you? What would be his reaction if he was to find out? This is why right now you are in the middle of a triangle. You know that but he doesn't and I'm pretty certain your gf is not going to tell him either.

Whatever decision you make, you need firm boundaries.

[jhkbuzz]

You aren't looking for advice, you're asking us to tell you what you won't admit to yourself.  The best path is to tell yourself the truth as you move over to the Undecided board.

Amen

[jhkbuzz]

If you're not familiar with the Karpman Triangle, do a little reading:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

She is clearly entering the triangle as the "victim" - and you have chosen to re-enter the dance as a "rescuer."  It doesn't matter what you're saying or not saying, or how you're remaining "indifferent" - your behavior (inviting her over, listening, etc.) is rescuer behavior.

From the above link:

"Regardless of the circumstances of the one a Starting Gate "Rescuer" feels compelled to rescue - no matter how “badly” the victim may need help, rescuing can lead only one place - victim. If you are a primary Rescuer, this does not mean you cannot be loving, generous and kind. It is certainly possible to be helpful and supportive without being a Rescuer. There is a distinct difference between being truly helpful and rescuing.

Authentic helpers act without expectations for reciprocation. They empower rather than disable those they serve. What they do will be done to encourage self-responsibility, rather than promote dependency. True Supporters believe that the other can handle their own business. They believe that everyone has the right to make mistakes and learn through sometimes hard consequences. They trust the other has what it takes to see themselves through times of difficulty without they, as Rescuers, needing to “save” them.

Starting Gate Rescuers, on the other hand, don’t take responsibility for themselves. Instead, they do for others in an attempt to get validation or feel important or as a way to foster dependency. Victim is just round the bend."

If you are very honest with yourself, you will admit that you are hoping for "reciprocation."  Understandable, to be sure... .but headed towards heartbreak IMHO.

[Xidion]

I'm staying on this board because I know I will get the best advice for protecting myself and not getting hurt. My brain wants to do the right thing, my heart is leading me through the wrong path. Of course I still have feelings for her.

She texted me today telling me she wanted to cuddle with me last night. I told her that it wouldn't be right considering she is with someone. She said she didn't care that she doesn't see it lasting with him. He is infatuated with her and is annoying,  as she says.  I asked her if it was so bad, why does she stay?  She said,  idk, I just take it day by day and feel like I'm on auto pilot.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I'm staying on this board because I know I will get the best advice for protecting myself and not getting hurt. My brain wants to do the right thing, my heart is leading me through the wrong path. Of course I still have feelings for her.

She texted me today telling me she wanted to cuddle with me last night. I told her that it wouldn't be right considering she is with someone. She said she didn't care that she doesn't see it lasting with him. He is infatuated with her and is annoying,  as she says.  I asked her if it was so bad, why does she stay?  She said,  idk, I just take it day by day and feel like I'm on auto pilot.

FFS Man Up and Move On.  You are being used.  You need to stop thinking about her and work out why you can allow yourself to be so compromised.  This is the sad truth.  Sorry mate.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm staying on this board because I know I will get the best advice for protecting myself and not getting hurt. My brain wants to do the right thing, my heart is leading me through the wrong path. Of course I still have feelings for her.

She texted me today telling me she wanted to cuddle with me last night. I told her that it wouldn't be right considering she is with someone. She said she didn't care that she doesn't see it lasting with him. He is infatuated with her and is annoying,  as she says.  I asked her if it was so bad, why does she stay?  She said,  idk, I just take it day by day and feel like I'm on auto pilot.

FFS Man Up and Move On.  You are being used.  You need to stop thinking about her and work out why you can allow yourself to be so compromised.  This is the sad truth.  Sorry mate.

Truth.  Someone who really wanted you wouldn't be going back home and crawling into bed with someone else.  You're hoping she'll "choose" you?  What if she does?  Won't you wonder who she's seeing on any given night that you're not with her?

[Blimblam]

The meta. Communication of xideon is that he's confused and experiencing the pain and confusion of the break up. There is so much shame in this part of ourselves after bearing our soul in the rs only to be humiliated. When someone exposes their wounds shaming and judgment doesn't alieve existing shame. It takes courage to reveal vulnerablity rather than hide behind a veil of composure when the reality is incredible pain and despair.

I think what happens is often we see our own vulnerability in someone else and we get impatient and critical with this part of ourselves through the other.  It's hard to face own vulnerability.

[Pingo]

The meta. Communication of xideon is that he's confused and experiencing the pain and confusion of the break up. There is so much shame in this part of ourselves after bearing our soul in the rs only to be humiliated. When someone exposes their wounds shaming and judgment doesn't alieve existing shame. It takes courage to reveal vulnerablity rather than hide behind a veil of composure when the reality is incredible pain and despair.

I think what happens is often we see our own vulnerability in someone else and we get impatient and critical with this part of ourselves through the other.  It's hard to face own vulnerability.

Wise words, Blim.

Thinking of you Xidion, none of this is easy or straightforward.  Sorry you are going through this.  It's tough.  You ARE being courageous in reaching out and asking for help.

[Xidion]

I'm just so confused. My ex is in contact with me now and I'm allowing it. She is being nice, saying things to bait me, etc. It's messing with me hard core. I wasn't offended by anyone. Sometimes harsh words are needed. Maybe I should go to the undecided board.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm just so confused. My ex is in contact with me now and I'm allowing it. She is being nice, saying things to bait me, etc. It's messing with me hard core. I wasn't offended by anyone. Sometimes harsh words are needed. Maybe I should go to the undecided board.

Well, you do sound pretty undecided, but you also say you know she's baiting you, so maybe that's growth?  Part of the backlash on this thread is we all had the mixed feelings you have and the fog we got lost in, and when we see you in it we can relate all too well.  What worked for me was to get angry, very fcking angry at all the sht she pulled, and that was enough to break free.  If the feelings were all bad we would have bailed immediately and this site wouldn't be necessary, but they're not, and as you say, you're confused.  Whatever you do, happy new year, and we'll be here regardless.  Take care of you!  

[ShakinMyHead]

Xidion, I think you can see clearly that nothing has changed with her. Her focus may have changed back onto you, you've been painted white again, but not because she's grown or changed her behavior. Look at how she's talking about and treating the guy she's living with now. She's coming onto you behind his back, minimizing him to you, and telling you she's using him, "biding her time." There is no growth. So, just know what you are walking back into. If you are entertaining her behind his back, you are enabling her to hurt this guy, the way you were hurt. Think hard about this. If she were different, changed behavior, in treatment. But she's doing all the same painful stuff. Be careful. SMH

[Trog]

Nobody wants to see you get hurt again, emotions are high because this could be anyone of us and everyone can empathise but what the poster above says is so true, she isn't coming back in peace, or in therapy, she is triangulating and it will be you (and the other guy), who get hurt. Personally I think you'd take a huge leap forward in personal growth and self respect if you refused to entertain this behaviour. You don't need this, she isn't good enough for you. Believe that.

[Xidion]

I've got some support from some friends as well.  One told me to ignore her and cut all ties, because it will end even worse if I allow it. She said that if I'm lonely,  talk to her instead and that she will help me through this.  I know I deserve more and deserve better. I just have to hold onto that. I don't want to be used or be anyone's backup.

[jhkbuzz]

I've got some support from some friends as well.  One told me to ignore her and cut all ties, because it will end even worse if I allow it. She said that if I'm lonely,  talk to her instead and that she will help me through this.  I know I deserve more and deserve better. I just have to hold onto that. I don't want to be used or be anyone's backup.

I think you already know that's what you are right now.  :'(

It's not that it's unhealthy for people to break up and then get back together again. It happens all the time.

It's that it's unhealthy for someone to be trying to rekindle a relationship with you when they're still with someone else.

I don't know who left who in your relationship, but let's just say you left her.  Imagine that you left, started a relationship with someone else, but then a few months later realized that you made a mistake.  You're not at all in love with the "new" person - in fact, you still love and want to get back together with your old gf.  What would you do?

I know what I would do!  I would end the r/s with the "new" gf and make a full court press to win the old g/f back.  It would include lots of reassurance (via ACTIONS) and lots of conversations about why I ended things and why I loved her and wanted her back. In other words, crystal clear communication and clear, unambiguous actions.

It would NOT include going to the old gf's house wanting to 'cuddle' (*wink* *wink*) but then crawling back into bed with the "new" gf at the end of the night.  

I'm not sure it would even occur to me to insult someone's dignity like that.

In the end, I'd have to be either extremely confused (about my feelings for both) or extremely manipulative to engage in behavior like that.

Which do you think she is?

[JohnLove]

I know what I would do!  I would end the r/s with the "new" gf and make a full court press to win the old g/f back.  It would include lots of reassurance (via ACTIONS) and lots of conversations about why I ended things and why I loved her and wanted her back. In other words, crystal clear communication and clear, unambiguous actions.

Ain't this just the truth?.

Remorse, sorry, apologies, always come with an explanation... .unless they come from a pwBPD... .then they are just hollow, empty words with no real explanation or details.

Words and actions not meeting. So frustrating.