He is back not sure why

[Left broken and confused]

My exBPDbf texted me today saying Happy New Year. I found it odd since we are a few days away but I went with it and we began to have a pleasant conversation which took a turn left right to the past and sex. He mentioned early in the conversation everyone is driving him nuts. He asked me to meet him Friday for lunch but not sure if lunch means sex (not happening ). It seems to me there is trouble with my replacement if he is still with her. Not sure if he is trying to get me back or is it triangulation. I feel he maybe using sex and the past to draw me back in. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[Splitblack4good]

How long has it been since you last had contact with each other ?

If your not sure on meeting up just ask if your replacement is on the scence still and if your happy meeting up tell him you want to meet in a coffee house or somewhere public so you can walk away if he mentions sex in anyway .

[patientandclear]

The man I loved with BPD reached out casually to his ex before me ... .not when he was having "trouble" with me, but when we were at the absolute high water mark of closeness and intimacy.

When he was with her, later, he reached out casually to me ... .just before he pursued her with renewed vigor.

Things are not what they seem in these dynamics.  Contact occurs when they think it will make them feel better to have contact.  But that is probably not because they've had a "wake up" moment and now have clarity about how special and fantastic we were and our relationship was.  It's that at present, contact with us is less threatening than the alternative, and provides some relief.  It's a pressure valve.

Also, securing a loose attachment is a long-term investment.  It's better to have a former intimate partner on warm terms and available for "lunch" when needed, than floating around out there hurt and mad.

[Left broken and confused]

Last contact we had was Christmas Eve. I just wished him a Merry Christmas but I haven't seen him since October.  It is almost like he sensed I was done. I just said to a friend this morning that I wasn't going to text him anymore. We have remained LC the last few months. 2 other times we were supposed to meet and both times he canceled so my response today was are you playing a game just to see if I say yes. His response was not at all he said definitely Friday.

[downwhim]

Just curious, when we are hurt and mad who comforts us? Not them. I would go to lunch with NO expectations.

Be strong.

[Splitblack4good]

Last contact we had was Christmas Eve. I just wished him a Merry Christmas but I haven't seen him since October.  It is almost like he sensed I was done. I just said to a friend this morning that I wasn't going to text him anymore. We have remained LC the last few months. 2 other times we were supposed to meet and both times he canceled so my response today was are you playing a game just to see if I say yes. His response was not at all he said definitely Friday.

I thought the same as you thought my ex had realised something .my ex contacted me out the blue Xmas eve and started saying things like "I never wanted it to be like this between us " and then she cried when Xmas was mentioned I thought she may have feelings for me etc but sadley it isnt like that for them it's as stated above just letting off emotional steam on us exes so the replacement doesn't get to see the crazy come out to often . Witch in turn makes us feel like crap so I learned a lesson here and that is if she calls or texts me in the future I'm ignoring her .

Personally if I were you I wouldn't agree to seeing him he only NEEDS something from you if you kindly decline meeting up with him see how he reacts ! Then I think that will give you a better idea of what he needs from you not wants .remember your the ex you still have control at this point he has asked you to meet not the other way round if you decline you are not playing games in return you will just be protecting yourself . It's up to you what you wish to do but protect yourself first the power and control are with you right now.

[Left broken and confused]

I would really like to go to lunch and see him. Right now I am pretty numb to him but of course that may change and I am setting myself up for hurt. I had an idea there was a problem by my replacement's fb. The last few pics I saw he looked terrible like scary bad and since then she has been posting pretty gloom sayings which is odd for her. I think the crazy is out in full force

[Splitblack4good]

I would really like to go to lunch and see him. Right now I am pretty numb to him but of course that may change and I am setting myself up for hurt. I had an idea there was a problem by my replacement's fb. The last few pics I saw he looked terrible like scary bad and since then she has been posting pretty gloom sayings which is odd for her. I think the crazy is out in full force

How long has your ex and replacement been together ?

[Left broken and confused]

Hi split black

From what I know a little less than 5 months and we have been broken up for 6

[Joshuaua]

I would really like to go to lunch and see him. Right now I am pretty numb to him but of course that may change and I am setting myself up for hurt. I had an idea there was a problem by my replacement's fb. The last few pics I saw he looked terrible like scary bad and since then she has been posting pretty gloom sayings which is odd for her. I think the crazy is out in full force

i know exactly what you're going through. It's incredibly tempting to see them again after long period cause the hurt you felt is somewhat faded and you think "maybe something's changed". This is almost never the case. My ex reached out to me 2 weeks ago while she had a BF and was asking about getting a job. I said I could see what I could do for her... 3 days later she moved to town and was sleeping with me and "loved" me all over again, while she had a BF. Once I couldn't get her a job she flipped and left town back to him.  A week after that she calls me, just the  other night, on the brink of suicide etcetc.  Then randomly hangs up after I comfort her and hasn't replied to anything since.   The point is that they are users. Emotionally, monetarily, etc. whatever it is that they need they'll get it from you cause they know we're weak for them. And then they leave. It's not malicious usually it's just their nature. So be careful.

[Trog]

I broke up with my exw 3 times, this is the third (3rd time lucky!) and between 1 and 2, I accepted a lunch date after several months apart. I could have saved myself a lot of pain, 6 years and the forced sale of my house had I resisted that temptation.

She came to lunch, she was outrageously flirtatious and I couldn't resist (and I didn't want to at that time). She laid it on a plate for me all over again. What I found out later is that she had been trying to contact many exes, I was the only one to bite, it was not even personal, it was pot luck for her, but obvious and sad for me that I'd fall into that trap. I was getting my life back on track and dating a really nice woman at that time, I blew that and fell into the worst period of my life, all thanks to lunch, an undiagnosed, untreated and unwilling to change BpD will not bring you long term happiness. You may have been caught by this fishing hook and I believe if your ex had another fish on the line you may not even be call #1. I know that hurts. Try to remember why you broke up and all the pain you've been thru since.

[Splitblack4good]

Hi split black

From what I know a little less than 5 months and we have been broken up for 6

6 months is enough time I guess for things to fizzle out and go bad for the replacement like myself and others have said just protect yourself first if you feel detached enough to see him then meet up and see what he needs .

[JohnLove]

See what he needs?... .I believe Left broken and confused has her suspicions... .and they are probably spot on. This is a pwBPD we are talking about.

I feel she should be focused on her needs and protecting her heart... .first (and would possibly benefit from positive encouragement from us).

She feels he has picked up on the fact that she is DONE. Problems with the replacement surface on fb. Suspects he will try to use sex as a hook. He is in another relationship.

This is textbook BPD.

His needs are not her priority and she shouldnt be too concerned about them... .for her own personal wellbeing.

[fromheeltoheal]

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

It depends what your goals are.  I haven't seen my ex since the day I left her, but she called about 9 months after, and by then I had detached some and learned about the disorder, so the entire conversation, her saying all the things that worked on me for so long, were now transparent and a little nauseating, and the whole exchange actually helped with my detachment.  So that might happen for you, if detachment is the goal.

My ex wanted to transition to a 'friendship', which got me thinking what is friendship?  Friendship is a relationship between two people based on mutual trust and respect; well, I didn't trust her and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count, so she isn't qualified to be my friend.

Closure?  I got "it just wasn't there for me", "I wish I'd been more self-aware" and "then we would have had that difficult conversation", all tools she was using to feel better about the fact that I left her, but real closure?  Nope.

Get back together?  That was never an option for me, but it might be a goal for you.  We'll be here.

So it depends what your goals are, might make sense to get clear beforehand.  It's New Years Eve, so Happy New Year, and Friday is a couple days; it's a good time for us all to decide what our goals are for the new year, it's going to be a great one!

[Left broken and confused]

Happy New Year to everyone 

From heel to toe

I think you hit it on the head. I need to be clear to myself what my goals are. If asked the question several weeks ago my answer would have been I want him back no questions asked.  Now I am not sure I feel the same. I seem to have become kind of numb to him in a sense but still feel the need to see him. Not sure why I feel this need maybe it is just to see if I have any feelings left for him because right now I'm not sure I do. Yes he hurt me badly no doubt about that and several times over the last 4 years said horrible things to me (3 or 4 times) but for the most part he treated me pretty good. I am not in denial believe me I am well aware he is mentally ill and have accepted the fact I can't help him. I need to help myself first. It's a new year and a new way of thinking!