Hi, new here!
Came across this site after seeing this post:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548981#msg1548981It basically hit home on quite a few points!
Maybe if I tell the story it will be easier to decide, it’s quite long and a bit strange, but here goes!
Basically I met a girl who was studying in my country. We met a few times but it wasn't one of those instant connections like some people describe on here. For about 2 months we met kind of casually, and I knew she would finish studying and go back home after about 3 months from the first time I met her. So I wasn't expecting anything too serious, we had a good time, and after 2 months we were very close. It was all a fairly normal relationship.
After 2 months she went on s trip to another city for 3 weeks. We met a lot the week before since she was going, and seemed to be hitting it off very well, I was extremely comfortable around her, everything was very good. I thought her leaving would be fine but for some reason after a few days I started to miss her strongly, I wasn't really sure why because normally I'm fine alone. We saw each other a lot in the last week and then she left for home. It was quite a sad goodbye, it seemed like we felt similarly for each other.
At some point in all this she had mentioned she thought about ending things a couple of weeks after she met me, since it is easier to end things early than later. She seemed very logical about things, but was clearly a fairly emotional person, and admitted that she thinks about things too much. She seemed quite self-aware. She claimed to be sad a lot about things such as missing her home and also that she had to leave me to go back. To be honest it seemed like a fairly normal reaction to things. We had also talked about seeing each other again because there was a chance I was going to be close to her home in 2 months time. She wasn’t sure about things but said if I did come I could stay with her, I wanted to see her again, but she wanted to think about things when she got back home, which I understood.
So for these 3 months there wasn’t many red flags, sometimes she would overreact to criticism or take things in a more negative way then the meaning, or be upset that I wasn’t open enough with her, (sometimes I’m not good at explaining how I feel) but it wasn’t anything particularly strange. In hindsight this was the idealisation phase. I remember she said, I was the best person she’s ever met, and I’m too good for her. The last part she couldn’t give me a reason why, that was just how she felt apparently.
We eventually decided to see each other again. I wasn’t actually going to be near her home at this stage, so I decided to turn it into a holiday to see her since I had never been where she lives. There was no long term plans at this point, just I was to stay with her and some friends in their apartment. Although it was strange though, her reason for not wanting to see me again after she left was now she wasn’t sure how she felt about me, not necessarily because it was easier to end things sooner.
A few strange things started happening in the 5 weeks we were apart. Soon she started saying she loved me, but then shortly after started saying she had doubts about everything, and then returned to be clearer about things just before I left to see her, and started saying she loved me again. She also had some aversion to using skype, and always seemed to have excuses for not doing it. However I always had to initiate in order to do it, she would never reschedule, I always had to ask and occasionally she would say yes. If I called her out, she would basically accuse me of being too needy, which is based in truth, but a normal person would offer an alternate time to do it. Basically she didn’t WANT to do it, and would claim she CANT do it, so if I ever called her out I was wrong because she CANT.
She would also increasingly have days where she was more distant, she always sued to be very open about everything, and this was strange to me. Also she would also start to misinterpret what I was saying and get upset more often, which was also strange. Like if I asked out of curiosity where she was going, she would accuse me of not trusting her and why do I need to know this. To be honest, in the past she would have explained without me even asking! I couldn’t make sense of this, but it didn’t happen often enough yet, and usually if I explained more thoroughly she would be ok again. Logic still seemed to work eventually at this point.
When I arrived she seemed more distant than I expected, the first week she kept saying she loved me but it felt different. She also would get upset and make a big deal over small things I said. But there were times she was normal. The next 2 weeks she wouldn’t say she loved me ever, the distant periods got more frequent and she got upset more often. Especially if I didn’t agree with her or told her she was wrong. She would have like a rage blackout and accuse me of things and tell me I had to leave and that I caused her pain. Eventually she said she was confused and thought she just thought of me as a friend. I guess in hindsight us living together was my commitment to her, and now that she had me, the feelings dropped. Anyway we still stayed together for another few weeks, until I found another place to stay. Things actually seemed to get better in the short term. But this was short lived and the distant phases and the angriness got even more. At this point I thought the problem was us staying together, she always claimed to need more space.
Before I moved out things seemed to get good again for a couple of days, they were probably the closest they had been compared to the first 3 months. She had promises of we could see each other a lot still and at this point I was leaving in a month, and we could see how things are in a month and make a decision then. I thought things were looking better and she really did need some space. At some point we had a discussion about what had happened and she made some valid points. In hindsight I think they were an excuse, but I think she was smart enough to know that a normal person might have issues with the things she told me, so it was believable. Anyway we both seemed happier after this discussion and I thought we understood each other.
At this point I went on a holiday to a place nearby for a week. I thought everything would be good when I came back, she had her space and I left on a good note. However when we met she was very distant again, although her father rang her for 5 minutes, and she was being affectionate to me while talking to him, very strange. Like touching and leaning on me. This didn’t happen before or after the call. Anyway we then met the next day and I tried talking to her, she had wanted to know my plans about when I’m leaving and all this previously but I hadn’t decided. I tried to talk and she was getting all defensive, saying something about when things happen, things change and can’t go back. At this point I told her she’s pushing me away because I’m leaving soon so this way she doesn’t get hurt, the same as how she suggested ending things earlier is better a few months prior. She basically wouldn’t face me and walked off on me. We talked while she walked off and she eventually said ok we can meet tomorrow, because you can’t expect me to respond to this now.
This was the last time I saw her. After this she said she needed time. I kept trying to meet, as well as giving her time as well, but I was leaving soon so I couldn’t wait forever. Eventually she tells me she won’t see me ever again, because ‘I said things that I can’t say’. She couldn’t tell me what it was though! I have no idea what has happened lately and I’m very confused. Although, now, I know I’ve been painted black. I write her a letter saying everything that’s happened, and sort of apologising because I thought maybe I did some things wrong too. She eventually agrees to see me once before I leave. I can tell she doesn’t want to, she always says she CANT, even though she means doesn’t WANT. Eventually I get something out of her, which I think in her mind is true, ‘that things changed for her and that I make her feel bad all the time’. Then shortly after I found out about BPD and started putting things together, because before this there was no rhyme or reason to anything.
At the moment I am just trying to leave on a good note, but talking to her logically doesn’t work anymore, although in person it has sometimes worked in the past when she was calm. But if I cant meet, I’m not sure how to get through to her. Obviously the relationship is over, but I still care about her and am trying to be her friend. And if she really has this problem, then I want to help her.
Any advise on what happened and what to do now would be great. I've read up on this as much as I can but only came to this realisation a few days ago so its still a bit new and confusing. I'm sure I've left lots of details out
