sister in law thinks I have an inappropriate relationship with my brother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

hey guys,  I guess I'm just looking for some insight as to what is a "normal relationship" with my brother.  R (my brother) has been married to S (sister in law) for over 20 years.  from early on, S has managed to push me, my mom and my sister out of their life.  I won't get into all the drama over the years. we'll just fast forward to January 2014 when r and s's son (my nephew) committed suicide by stepping in front of a car on the interstate.  since then, R has taken a hard and very painful look at his family and particularly his wife.  he has joined an ALANON group, sees a counselor, attends a LOSS group for victims of suicide, has read MANY books on BPD and has moved out taking his two other sons with him.  he loves S but is adamant that he is done riding the crazy train.  my brother and I were very close growing up and became somewhat estranged after his marriage with S,  which had been very painful for me.  over this last year, i have been able to be in his life much more - helping him and the kids and just being a support.   occasionally, he will come over to chat with me.  we go to lunch maybe twice a year.  if a few days goes by, he or I might text a heart to be supportive.  we took our kids skiing one day in April.  we went on a short hike in the summer.  are these normal things to be doing with my brother?  he and s are trying to work things out... for whatever reason, r loves s.  but s says that my relationship with r is a primary roadblock to their reconciliation. she says she will not "fight for his allegiance" and that she can't go back to "having a third person in her marriage" (which is ridiculous, imo, since my brother and I only really communicated with each other once a month or so before his son's death).  I didnt mean for this to be long... I really just need to know if my brother and i have some sort of weird relationship...    S says I need to "cleave unto my own husband and allow R to cleave unto her."   I think she wants me completely out of my brother's life.  Help please?

[knt013]

hey guys,  I guess I'm just looking for some insight as to what is a "normal relationship" with my brother.  R (my brother) has been married to S (sister in law) for over 20 years.  from early on, S has managed to push me, my mom and my sister out of their life.  I won't get into all the drama over the years. we'll just fast forward to January 2014 when r and s's son (my nephew) committed suicide by stepping in front of a car on the interstate.  since then, R has taken a hard and very painful look at his family and particularly his wife.  he has joined an ALANON group, sees a counselor, attends a LOSS group for victims of suicide, has read MANY books on BPD and has moved out taking his two other sons with him.  he loves S but is adamant that he is done riding the crazy train.  my brother and I were very close growing up and became somewhat estranged after his marriage with S,  which had been very painful for me.  over this last year, i have been able to be in his life much more - helping him and the kids and just being a support.   occasionally, he will come over to chat with me.  we go to lunch maybe twice a year.  if a few days goes by, he or I might text a heart to be supportive.  we took our kids skiing one day in April.  we went on a short hike in the summer.  are these normal things to be doing with my brother?  he and s are trying to work things out... for whatever reason, r loves s.  but s says that my relationship with r is a primary roadblock to their reconciliation. she says she will not "fight for his allegiance" and that she can't go back to "having a third person in her marriage" (which is ridiculous, imo, since my brother and I only really communicated with each other once a month or so before his son's death).  I didnt mean for this to be long... I really just need to know if my brother and i have some sort of weird relationship...    S says I need to "cleave unto my own husband and allow R to cleave unto her."   I think she wants me completely out of my brother's life.  Help please?

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

I am sorry about the loss of your nephew. 

Well I think your SIL is projecting onto you relationship with you and your brother her own fears about her marriage failing.   She may be looking at your relationship with him as replacing her relationship but really it is ADDING to both of your lives to be close to him.   Would she prefer he was close to another WOMAN?     I would be happy if my husband talkd to sister as it is no worry about infidelity. 

Sounds like you are able to fill an emotional gap and help him thru this difficult time.    I hear a lot of people that lose a child often ending up divorced or disconnected and grieving in their own ways.  Blame... .grief... .losing a child is devastating.

I think your relationship is NOT the problem.  It is their relationship.   Don't get dragged into their relationship.   Your brother needs to TALK to her and settle her fears and discuss anythign marital related separate with her.     I would adore a relationship like that with my brother.

Take care

[Panda39]

knt013 

I'm glad you've found us.  Has your SIL been diagnosed with BPD?  People with BPD have a major fear of abandonment.  My guess it that your relationship with your brother triggers that fear in your SIL... .she simply can't share him and I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't behind some of your estrangement... .Your brother trying to make her feel secure.

What I see is a sister who loves her brother and his kids.  You are absolutely doing the right thing in supporting him.  SIL's marriage sounds like it is falling apart on it's own and she is just trying to blame you for her issues.

I'm so sorry for your brother's loss but it does sound like it has been a catalyst for him to face and deal with the problems in his marriage.  Your brother is also doing the right thing getting help himself and that will also be beneficial to his other children.  It sounds like he is coming out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt - emotional blackmail) regarding his wife which is also a healthy thing.

I want again to validate your support of your brother and his children.  Just keep doing what you are doing... .keep supporting him.

You might want to refer your brother here too.  It's a great place to find support, get information, and learn more about BPD.

I come at BPD from a different angle, I'm dating a man with an uBPDxw (un-diagnosed BPD ex-wife) and we both come here for support, and now we speak a common language and have a common strategy when dealing with the ex.

Again Welcome 

Panda

[littlebirdcline]

Nothing you are describing sounds inappropriate at all.  It sounds wonderful.  My brother and I live six hours apart, so we don't get to do much face to face, but we text every day, talk several times a week, and Skype 2-4 times a month.  My sister in law is completely supportive of all this (she was my friend before they met), and participates in the Skype session.  Your SIL is not exhibiting normal behavior.  It's his place to make her see that, if possible, though.  If you interfere between them, it will only turn out badly for you, even if in he knows you're right.  Good luck!  Cherish a good relationship with your brother!