Removed myself from the triangle

[Ripped Heart]

Just had a phone call with BPDgf, to tell me she has been to collect her package, see how I am and also express how lonely she is going to be tonight.

I made the suggestion that we could always do something together instead but she suggested I go out with friends as she will be going to bed early. I mentioned on a previous post about her sending me a FB friends request again today and things were looking positive.

However, what she failed to remove was a pic of her in bed with replacement this morning.

So I've just sent her a text to say that I know what's going on, that I can't be a part of this and sincerely hope that one day she finds her happiness. I told her I had known for a long time what's going on and asked her for some honesty. I also told her it's tragic because the disorder always wins in the end. That I will always care about her but from this moment onwards she cannot be part of my life any more.

I'm posting in the undecided because as of right now, I don't know if I would accept her back or not. Yes I was aware of the triangulation and yes I was aware of the infidelity. It's the start of a New Year tomorrow it's time for a fresh start and moving forward in myself.

[patientandclear]

Oh my goodness.  Ripped ... .that's intense.  I'm really sorry you had to see that.

Am I understanding correctly that she posted the pic of herself and another man in bed this morning?  ON FB?

And then she sent you a FB friend request today?

If so, she did it on purpose so you would see it.  She is intending to provoke some sort of response (maybe not the one you gave her).  What a terrible, hurtful way to communicate one's emotional needs to one's partner.

Even if I've misunderstood how you came to see the photo, the situation would cause me to take the position you did today.  But if she essentially maneuvered to make sure you WOULD see the photo -- whatever her reasons, undoubtedly jealousy and fear of abandonment -- please notice just how manipulative that is.  I flag that because you wrote you aren't sure if you would take her back.  Seriously, I don't want to understate how difficult it is.  I had panic attacks, literal hyperventilation and racing heart, incredible regret, anger at myself and any others who had supported my drawing any lines or boundaries.  I screamed at the world and my therapist that "boundaries don't work for me" (because my partner never responded well to them and it felt like the boundaries cost me the relationship) and I proclaimed that if I ever got another chance, I would accept him back with NO conditions.  (Because conditions do not work for him.  As I just mentioned.)

It's damn hard to maintain boundaries when your ostensible partner acts like those boundaries will be the reason they abandon you.

 

Happy New Year to you Ripped.  Honestly ... .I hate to see someone you've been so devoted to treat you so poorly.  Glad to hear of your current posture.  It's hard to maintain -- very painful.  I know that very well.  So if you end up walking that road, please reach out.  I would not have made it this past year without constant, continual reminders from several amazing friends, some from here, of things I already knew but wanted to forget.

[shatra]

I can see why you'd feel upset. I wonder if this photo of hers is a jealous response to the females commenting on your posts, and asking about you? It sounds like a manipulation. Was she faithful while you were with her?

Shatra

[Ripped Heart]

Shatra, that's what I thought at first but it isnt possible. The pic was posted this morning to a personal folder that both of us had access to. She didn't see the comments until after I accepted the request this afternoon.

I've since had a text from her earlier telling me that I have it all wrong and its not true. So I've asked her to explain but made it perfectly clear, the only reason I'm allowing her that opportunity is because I care and not to mistake it for weakness. Because sometimes you have to walk away from those you love, not because you have stopped caring but because they have.

[patientandclear]

... .sometimes you have to walk away from those you love, not because you have stopped caring but because they have.

In all the reading I've done about these tough situations I have never heard anyone say that before.  It's the best possible explanation of that position (wish I'd boiled it down so perfectly when I was trying to explain why I was at The End).

Good luck.

[Ripped Heart]

Patientandclear, you have really been a rock these past few weeks and I thank you sincerely for all the advice and perspective you have given me, it has been greatly appreciated. 

I don't think I would have been able to make a stand today had it not been for your responses on previous posts. I'm still very much on the fence and I did reply earlier to her message but rather than begging or pleading with her, I made it very clear that I was giving her an opportunity to explain how it's wrong and that it better be a very good reason. As far as I feel right now, there is no reason that could ever be good enough, I think this is more for closure on my behalf.

Again, in terms of trying again, that isn't going to happen any time soon. I need to completely detatch and if I choose that I want to give it another go, it will be under very strong boundaries.

Tonight has had a huge impact on a lot of people. Her r/s with her own kids is strained as it is and for once they thought there was stability in the house. When she almost pulled a similar stunt a few months ago, all of her kids turned on her then. Not to mention my family, who had taken her in too and my d14 who adored her. BPD destroys a lot of lives and I'm just so angry at the disorder right now.

[Ripped Heart]

D14 now knows. Not sure what gf put on FB because I blocked it earlier but whatever it was d14 was upset.

I've been overwhelmed with support tonight from the most unlikely places. gf's kids have all sent me messages because they now know too and have offered their support. I guess they have had much longer at watching train wrecks but according to them, I've been the best person in their mothers life.

And then I get a phone call from my exgf (d14's mother) to tell me what a wonderful person I am and that I didn't deserve what happened. That although it never worked out for us as a couple years ago (because we were young) she is proud to have me in her life because I've always been there for her and d14 when things have been really tough and she wants to be there for me now while I'm in a difficult place.

Just heard from gf's kids, she has posted about being devastated because I ended the r/s on New Years Eve because "I" wanted a fresh start for the New Year. Her son especially didn't believe it and asked outright if there had been another guy involved. Was honest with him and told him there has been for the past month at least.

I feel so much pain right now, even burst into tears on the phone to exgf which is something I haven't done for a very long time. It's going to hit gf quite hard too because both my d14 and my mother have both blocked her on FB. I guess it's true self destruction.

One thing exgf said to me which brought something home, I have 3 wonderful and amazing children who love me and if my gf can do that to me without any regard to the impact on my children and hers, is she really worth being in my life?

[JohnLove]

Hello Ripped Heart. I'm guessing it was something concerning a picture or statement of your replacement. D14's are extremely sensitive to betrayal. She can't talk to you about it for fear you will be hurt. She knows you are hurting already. She is holding that hurt for you. She is trying to protect you. She really loves you. 

That is so awesome that you have support and vaidation coming out of the woodwork. We are here to help also and we already knew you were a great guy (that is a prerequisite to posting here  )

Oh... .YES... .and when HER choices all go wrong for HER she will be looking for someone to blame and it has begun already. It will be you. She WILL make it your fault. It won't be. But she will make it that way and will gaslight you all the way to hell if you'd only allow it.

Obviously your feeling (that I feel myself) that you shared with us regarding New Years you have also shared with her. You had a feeling?. You will pay for that. I dont understand how at this moment but you will. I mean your feelings are so unreasonable. What?. To start the New Year with a fresh outlook and want to improve your life and grow... .I thought EVERYBODY did that?... .but now you're unreasonable. I find the logical mind particularly weak and underdeveloped in pwBPD.

She is going to continue to invalidate you... .but the validation that you are receiving from all those around you is one of the greatest things you could ever receive in the replacement cycle in a BPD relationship... .these people are telling you something really important about yourself.

It doesn't remove the hurt but it certainly helps with understanding. Many people are left feeling like they have lost their mind sitting in a puddle from the loss and the gaslighting.

Your exgf reaching out to you is also kind of telling. Sounds like she knows you, respects you, and is being completely honest with you. No wonder you burst into tears. A BPD relationship is often not at all like that. It can be quite a terrible thing. It can be so subtle that you dont even realise it until you are met with a decent and heartwarming response from a real person. One that they felt you deserved but yet you didn't?. That can be quite a shock. Because it quickly centres you, and your feelings and expectations align in a way you weren't expecting... .you then realise you deserve to be treated well. It is your right.

The validation you had received from her children is sad in a way. You are all on a fast moving train. Everyone is aware the bridge is out up ahead... .and all anyone can do is look into each others eyes. This is really how bad things are. Feel overwhelmed. It's overwhelming. I am sure every one who reads your post will feel it. I know I do. It will pass.

Yes. ripped Heart. You are living the definition of BPD. Only if you love yourself so little that you would continue like this. She is mentally ill and without treatment.

Be prepared. This "new" relationship with your replacement with the guilt and shame she is going to feel from everyone is not going to sit well with her disorder and once he does something to trigger her it will unleash something else within her.

This can be dangerous stuff.  Look after yourself.

I wish you well whatever it is you choose to do. 

[FoolishMan]

I've been through this too Ripped Heart and you are dealing with it admirably and a lot better than I did myself.

I wish you well for 2015. If I could ask one thing of you, it would be that you listen to the people in your life who love you and there seem to be many of them. The BPD gf is sadly not one of them.

All the best for 2015