Never called me by my first name

[JRT]

My BPD never called me by my first name in favor of 'Hun' or 'Hey its me when she called'. It made me scratch my head during the relationship but it was not on the top of my 'to do' list to figure our why. I asked her once and she admitted that she had no idea why she did it. I figured that this would have given her a prompt to be more conscious to do so but she never missed a beat. She only used my first name when talking about me.Looking back, I am guessing that this was a manifestation of her objectification of me as an extension of being a BP. Using my first name may have acknowledged some sort of personal connection more so than the framework of BPD allows.

Anyone else had this or have any guesses?

[ShadowIntheNight]

My uexBPDgf called me by my middle name. No one ever calls me by my middle name. The reason? Her oldest brother's ex wife shared the name everyone calls me by. Her mother hates her and she was afraid her mother wouldn't like me because I had the same name as her brother's ex wife. It turns out her mother (who is Hispanic and I have met and spoken with on several occasions) may actually not like me because I may have "turned" her daughter gay. I couldn't possibly make this up... .

[NonAverageJoe]

PwBPD are still unique in their own right. I experienced other forms of objectification. I hope you're doing well.

[JRT]

My uexBPDgf called me by my middle name. No one ever calls me by my middle name. The reason? Her oldest brother's ex wife shared the name everyone calls me by. Her mother hates her and she was afraid her mother wouldn't like me because I had the same name as her brother's ex wife. It turns out her mother (who is Hispanic and I have met and spoken with on several occasions) may actually not like me because I may have "turned" her daughter gay. I couldn't possibly make this up... .

WOW!

[JRT]

PwBPD are still unique in their own right. I experienced other forms of objectification. I hope you're doing well.

Much better... .finally releasing justifiable anger seems to have helped me turn a corner. What kind of other forms of objectification?

[enlighten me]

My ex calls all her bf's by their full name rather than shortened versions that everyone uses.

As for the not using your name. When I was in the army I used to call people mate as I could never remember all their names. Maybe your objectification theory is right.

[nodiggity]

Cra.p     Just started seeing someone who calls me "hon"... .   don't think it is a    but you had me worried

[JRT]

It was the strangest thing and I don't think its a quirk... .I really couldn't figure it out until I realized that she was a BPD and I wondered if it fit in with all of the other stuff. Hearing 'hun' mixed in with your own name is a welcome thing of course.

Happy new year everyone.

[Deeno02]

Mine hardly ever called me by my first name. When she did finally, it was said so condenseding. She never let her kids call me by my first name either. 16 months, sheesh... .

[ShakinMyHead]

My exBPDbf never called me by my first name. He'd just start talking without addressing me. "Hi, it's me…... " I think saying my name is also on some level a form of intimacy for them. Too much for him to recognize me as a whole separate person, separate being, with a separate identity. I was an extension of him…there was suppose to be only one of us there, not 2.      SMH

[JRT]

I think that's a very good hypothesis for mine as well. I think that its consistent with another mystery (one where she DID use my first name). When we went to visit any of her family, it was a run on sentence about me and MY accomplishments and where I took her, the things that we did and so on. I always thought that she was not only trying to sell HERSELF on me, but over selling herself. I believe that she was attempting to validate herself to a family that must have had reason to doubt.

[rollercoaster24]

Heh Heh Heh

If I remember rightly his favourite term for me started with C and ended in T, or starting with S and ending in T!

Happy New Year everyone!

[Lolster]

My exBPDbf never called me by my first name. He'd just start talking without addressing me. "Hi, it's me…... " I think saying my name is also on some level a form of intimacy for them. Too much for him to recognize me as a whole separate person, separate being, with a separate identity. I was an extension of him…there was suppose to be only one of us there, not 2.      SMH

You could be on to something there SMH, though I always found it over intimate being called 'babe, darling, hun' by people I didn't know very well, and both the exbf and friend used these rather than my name.  I saw it as fake intimacy because I could see they addressed everyone else the same way.

I do also wonder if it's because they go through so many people it saves them the hassle of remembering your name and the possibility of mixing names up, particularly useful for the cheating ones maybe?  I found with both suspected BPD's they used names of past friends/lovers (disparagingly) who had apparently left THEM, otherwise they would refer to them generically as "a girl/boy I used to date/go to school with etc"  The ones with 'no name' were the ones I guess the BPD's had wronged, rather than people THEY felt wronged by.

[parisian]

My exBPDbf never called me by my first name. He'd just start talking without addressing me. "Hi, it's me…... " I think saying my name is also on some level a form of intimacy for them. Too much for him to recognize me as a whole separate person, separate being, with a separate identity. I was an extension of him…there was suppose to be only one of us there, not 2.      SMH

Really interesting perspective. I can't recall a time either when my exBPDgf called me by my first name. She used terms of endearment such as 'babe', but never my actual name.

[BorisAcusio]

My exBPDbf never called me by my first name. He'd just start talking without addressing me. "Hi, it's me…... " I think saying my name is also on some level a form of intimacy for them. Too much for him to recognize me as a whole separate person, separate being, with a separate identity. I was an extension of him…there was suppose to be only one of us there, not 2.      SMH

Really interesting perspective. I can't recall a time either when my exBPDgf called me by my first name. She used terms of endearment such as 'babe', but never my actual name.

I haven't seen this question addressed here before so the author choosed an interesting topic. Like others mentioned, my exBPDgf, simply started talking without addressing me, and restricted from nicknames I usually hear couples calling themselves.

[JRT]

I am beginning to think that BPD and avoiding the use of ones first name in favor of these generics references are related... .

[BorisAcusio]

I am beginning to think that BPD and avoiding the use of ones first name in favor of these generics references are related... .

Understanding Expressive Language Disturbance in Borderline Personality Disorder

www.ro.uow.edu.au/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=4511&context=theses

[missblue]

mine never did in speaking with me (and even got the ex wife's name a few times in talking about me)

but, for some reason, always addressed me by first name at the start of each email. which was just as weird.

[Waifed]

Mine was opposite. She always called me by my first name and never used endearing names. In 3 years never. I never did either though. I never told her I loved her in 3 years which is very strange too. It just never felt right even though I loved her unconditionally.

Just out of curiosity, did you guys call them by their first names or did you use pet names?  Mirroring?

[myself]

Mine had a nickname she called me that at first seemed sweet. When she was dysregulated she made up an opposite version of it and used it against me. It became very obvious this reflected her own ':)r. Jekyll/Mrs. Hyde'-ness, via projecting, but pointing it out to her only made it worse. In the end it made me feel as if she hadn't been seeing me for who I really am but more like someone she had invented, kept at a distance, then discarded.

[BorisAcusio]

Just out of curiosity, did you guys call them by their first names or did you use pet names?  Mirroring?

A nickname made out of her first name, the usual "sweetie/honey" but most of the time, an endearing reference to her extremely rare red hair. Sometimes mirrored the "honey" but clearly stated that she does not like to use it.  

[JRT]

I referred to mine by her given name as well as a pet name. So I don't think that it was anything that I was projecting at all.

[AnnaK]

Mine uBPDbf has problem calling me by my name, but so do I.

So for him my name is usually "Hey, eeh, you! come here"

However I don't enjoy calling him by name, I feel uncomfortable doing it, and I'd rather also call him "hey you!"

The "triangulation girl", with whom he was kinda cheating (or not really cheating because he introduced her to me), he calls her by name.

However, they don't have true "intimacy", only the type of intimacy one can have with a stranger (somewhere it was called "affinity". He is lying to her in 100% of everything (I know, I talked to her a lot).

So I assume this "hey you" is actually more of a reflection of intimacy than calling someone by name. At least for me it's so, when I think about someone real much, I forget they have a name... .they kinda become an extension of me, so "hey there" is the most natural way to call them.

It's not objectivisation, it's more like the child does not call his mother by name.

[JRT]

Mine uBPDbf has problem calling me by my name, but so do I.

So for him my name is usually "Hey, eeh, you! come here"

However I don't enjoy calling him by name, I feel uncomfortable doing it, and I'd rather also call him "hey you!"

The "triangulation girl", with whom he was kinda cheating (or not really cheating because he introduced her to me), he calls her by name.

However, they don't have true "intimacy", only the type of intimacy one can have with a stranger (somewhere it was called "affinity". He is lying to her in 100% of everything (I know, I talked to her a lot).

So I assume this "hey you" is actually more of a reflection of intimacy than calling someone by name. At least for me it's so, when I think about someone real much, I forget they have a name... .they kinda become an extension of me, so "hey there" is the most natural way to call them.

It's not objectivisation, it's more like the child does not call his mother by name.

Interesting.  But wouldn't the child at least refer to mom as 'Mom'?

[AnnaK]

Mine uBPDbf has problem calling me by my name, but so do I.

So for him my name is usually "Hey, eeh, you! come here"

However I don't enjoy calling him by name, I feel uncomfortable doing it, and I'd rather also call him "hey you!"

The "triangulation girl", with whom he was kinda cheating (or not really cheating because he introduced her to me), he calls her by name.

However, they don't have true "intimacy", only the type of intimacy one can have with a stranger (somewhere it was called "affinity". He is lying to her in 100% of everything (I know, I talked to her a lot).

So I assume this "hey you" is actually more of a reflection of intimacy than calling someone by name. At least for me it's so, when I think about someone real much, I forget they have a name... .they kinda become an extension of me, so "hey there" is the most natural way to call them.

It's not objectivisation, it's more like the child does not call his mother by name.

Interesting.  But wouldn't the child at least refer to mom as 'Mom'?

Yeah, but first, the word is quite generic anyway. Second, the child has to be explicitely trained to start doing it.

[firewalkwithme10]

My ex never used my name either. He would either speak without having to use my name, or said "honey." I only heard him use my first name one time, and it was near the end of our relationship during a moment where he was frustrated with me. It was strange hearing him say it, and I hadn't realized he was probably avoiding it. He also never referred to his exes by name, but I started to learn which ones he was referring to as I got to know him better.

[JRT]

My ex never used my name either. He would either speak without having to use my name, or said "honey." I only heard him use my first name one time, and it was near the end of our relationship during a moment where he was frustrated with me. It was strange hearing him say it, and I hadn't realized he was probably avoiding it. He also never referred to his exes by name, but I started to learn which ones he was referring to as I got to know him better.

So even in conversation about the particular ex, he would avoid use of their name?

[firewalkwithme10]

So even in conversation about the particular ex, he would avoid use of their name?

yes, he would say "my ex used to work here... ." or "my ex would always say... ." I knew who they were from Facebook, so I realized it was him talking about one of three people.

[Pingo]

My situation is a little different.  My uBPDexh used to call me by name all the time.  And he also called me 'baby' which at first I felt funny about (no one had ever called me a pet name) but I liked it.

My first husband, a non, never called me by name or he'd use a shortened version of it.  He called me 'mama' when around the kids.  He still does.  Always thought it was weird.  I think that's why I loved hearing my name when I met my uBPDexh.

When I first got together with my uBPDexh, I called him by my first husband's name a couple of times by accident which upset me (he was surprisingly understanding).  So I started to refer to my first husband as 'my ex'.  Never used his name.  And it actually helped in not mistakenly calling my new guy the ex's name.  Could this be a reason your pwBPD never called you by your name?  Since cheating/flirting is so rampant in these BPD r/s, maybe it was their way of keeping from using the wrong name?  Just a theory I'm throwing out there.

[Perdita]

It always bothered me that he so rarely used my name.  The best I got was "sweety", but that is what he called his ex too.  Oddly enough I just realized that he often called his fantasy girl by her name.