Reached out to my replacement

[Shibuya]

I know it's a bad idea and i'd recommend not even attempting to reach out to your replacement. But i'm assuming its an unconscious attempt to stay connected to her.

For me I was with my exBPDgf for about 1.5 years. I've known all her exes and i'm real close to all her friends shes grown up with. Everyone she knows claim they would not date her. Like any other story, I chose to ignore it and experience her myself. She was beautiful, sweet and charming; But in the end I had to go through a lot of therapy to make it work.

She left me out of the blue with no closure. Then I got a venmo notification of her sending a heart to this guy... .I guess she didnt realize I was still on her friends list even though she blocked me off every other social media. I saw her roommates a few days later and confirmed he was my replacement.

That was then I decided to reach out to him. I introduced my self and said it was nice to meet him, I know I should not interfere since hes getting the very best of her now. There's so much I wanted to say, but it would fall on deaf ears. I let him know that if at anytime he feels confused, emotionally, physically abused, to stay away from  alcohol as much as possible (which was her fuel for massive rages). If he had questions or concerns that he can reach out to me for support, because I had to go through lots of therapy for it.

As expected, He replies saying " I'm insulted that you think her and I are on an emotional time bomb. You have no basis to make an outlandish statement. I think your warnings are just a reflection of your life decisions and history of failures. Don't worry about me Bro, I have a lucrative career, great financial savings, great friends and family. I have an amazing life and no one is going to change that. Her and I have already seen our very VERY drunken demons, but we got through it. I have little patience for intoxicated drama. Whats amazing about her is that shes very open about her feelings and life experiences(childhood sexual abuse) and I have all the time in the world to sit and have a perfectly normal conversation with her. So respect her and I relationship because we can work it out on our own.

This is only after 1.5 months hes dated her. He comes off as NPD from his profile and what hes says, which is identical to her previous ex who physically assaulted her. Its seems its true that BPDs can attract NPDs.

In the end, It definitely wasn't worth reaching out to him. No one will listen to you, just like we ignored the redflags. I know we want to help others, but some people just have to learn on their own. I hope this helps anyone who might be deciding to reach out to their replacement.

[NonAverageJoe]

From his perspective you're the crazy ex. Now focus on you. I had interactions with my replacement.

But it was much different. He apologized to me and claimed to want to kick my butt in conversations with her.

It's laughable.

[ucmeicu2]

sorry you had to go thru it, but it's a good learning experience for you.

a word to the wise is sufficient.  apparently those of us that were attracted to the pwBPD -- like a moth to the flame, squared exponentially,     -- are not wise.  

healthy people with healthy boundaries do NOT get involved with these people.  they walk away early on.  their internal alarms go off when they see the red flags and they book.  period.

and no amount of warnings will be heeded by those who are not "a healthy people with healthy boundaries".  <shrug>  so let the replacements learn their lessons.  

the pwBPD was put in their (and our) paths so that we can learn what we need to learn abt ourselves... . and heal.  it's beautiful truly, and something to [eventually] be grateful for.  

nice try tho, good letter!

icu2

I know it's a bad idea and i'd recommend not even attempting to reach out to your replacement. But i'm assuming its an unconscious attempt to stay connected to her. ... .

In the end, It definitely wasn't worth reaching out to him. No one will listen to you, just like we ignored the redflags. I know we want to help others, but some people just have to learn on their own. I hope this helps anyone who might be deciding to reach out to their replacement.

[Blimblam]

Shibya

This made me laugh and hurt at the same time reading this.  He may or may not be npd who knows? what is most likely is he hasn't seen how things twist yet. 

There's a lot of self awareness in realizing it's a way to stay connected to your ex though.  Seems like you learned a humiliating but very humbling lesson though. That has got to hurt but his points are very valid.  If you were in his spot and her ex contacted you he would seem like the npd one though. It's just how the disorder seems to twist the reality of those around them and the pwBPD. 

That's a good post to save and come back to and read at a later date in your healing journey.  I struggled a lot with the compulsive urge to do something like that but it was to reach out to my exs family.  I never had to confront that the way you did though in that interaction.  Ugh it's painfull untwisting everything.

[fred6]

Shibya

This made me laugh and hurt at the same time reading this.  He may or may not be npd who knows? what is most likely is he hasn't seen how things twist yet. 

There's a lot of self awareness in realizing it's a way to stay connected to your ex though.  Seems like you learned a humiliating but very humbling lesson though. That has got to hurt but his points are very valid.  If you were in his spot and her ex contacted you he would seem like the npd one though. It's just how the disorder seems to twist the reality of those around them and the pwBPD. 

That's a good post to save and come back to and read at a later date in your healing journey.  I struggled a lot with the compulsive urge to do something like that but it was to reach out to my exs family.  I never had to confront that the way you did though in that interaction.  Ugh it's painfull untwisting everything.

I'd like to echo Blim here. Also, you said what you had to say to new supply. Don't worry about what his reply was. He hasn't seen that nutty monster in the closet yet. Maybe he'll learn a valuable life lessen or maybe they'll ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. In the long run, does it really matter?

In my opinion, for me at least. The time to talk to the replacement was when I found out he was the "back door man". I should have told him to "Back the fcuk off". I know that would have blown up in my face. The end result would have been the same. But I actually would have been proactive to some extent, instead of being the "nice guy" and keeping my mouth shut and just letting it play out without expressing myself. 

[fromheeltoheal]

In the end, It definitely wasn't worth reaching out to him.

Maybe it was a little?  :)id you see some of yourself in him when you were that early in your relationship?

You never know, you might run into him one day and he'll say "you were right man!"  It's a cycle, as we know, and he's just in a different part of it than you are, for now.  Then again, maybe they'll find a way to make it work long term, the newly-educated you will meet a girl you click with sustainably, and the world will be a happier place.  We can hope... .

[Infern0]

You don't reach out to them after they moved in on your girl.

You wait until they get soul destroyed and come crawling to you for help

Them you knock them out.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Quite a few years ago I briefly dated a low functioning BPD.  She lived just around the corner and sometimes when she and my replacement raged I would get a knock on the door and there she would be.  It was rather inconvenient and she would try to charm me back.  I would suggest a sleeping pill so she could calm down and have some sleep.  Then my replacement would turn up in the morning.  They would be there in my apartment discussing their issues.  It was rather weird.  I saw her a few months ago.  She walked past without recognising me and I was shocked with what I saw.  She is in her early 30's but looks in her sixties.  She looked like a junkie that had hit rock bottom.  When I was with her she was a stunner - the most beautiful girl I had ever dated.  The last time I saw my replacement was a few years ago and he asked me to borrow five pounds for a packet of cigarettes.  This was a once independent business man now destitute and begging for money from me, the guy he replaced.  I think it was a noble gesture you made however love is so blind as they say.  While in the idealisation phase nothing you say will make a difference.

[misty_red]

Shibuya, you had good intentions, so I think it was worth a try. But you are right, people have to make their experience themself.

When I think back: when I was the one replacing someone else there were many warnings from others and I let it happen anyway. Even though I knew that they were right and had known her for many years when I'd only known her for some months. I just thought I would make it better and maybe that's the reason why we/the replacements don't see the red flags. When you are head over heels in love you think you can change the world. I even saw how nasty she treated the guy I was the replacement for. It was cruel. At that time I thought that he'd done something really bad, you know. I even interfered once when they were having an argument and indeed played the rescuer.

We only see the red flags when we want to see them. Somehow we have a distorted perception of our own. Not because we're BPD but because we see someone we truly like and want to make it work. I guess many times it is about our story in our head and we want this story to happen and don't want to let go of it. It's our expectations we want to be fulfilled.

I thought about reaching out to my replacement (it's an entirely platonic replacement) but you know, as someone else stated before: then you might be the one being accused of not being able of letting go and being jealous and crazy.

[imstronghere2]

You don't reach out to them after they moved in on your girl.

You wait until they get soul destroyed and come crawling to you for help

Them you knock them out.

I'm with Infern0 on this one.