BPD need for attention. Why is a strangers attention valued more than a spouses?

[Cat Familiar]

In between BPDh number 1 and BPDh number 2, I had a boyfriend, who might also have been BPD (thanks BPD mom for training me to be a BPD rescuer!).

The boyfriend was constantly meeting new people and was so impressed with them, based on zero evidence, only their interpersonal skills, that he would recommend them to others for their various business endeavors.

Based on this, I hired a tree trimmer that he recommended and it was a disaster! After I hired a couple of his other recommended "friends," I realized that he had no idea about their skill levels in their various fields and that his recommendation was based solely upon how much he had enjoyed talking with them. From that point, I steered clear of any of his future recommendations.

It strikes me that pwBPD often are so needy for approval that when they meet new people, it's like a child getting a new shiny toy: they're so excited about it and they haven't broken or damaged it in any way yet.

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[waverider]

just to introduce a sub issue into this.

Do you find that not only does your pwBPD take note of an outsiders opinion but also twist it, misreport it either innocently or deliberately and use it as "evidence" to validate there own twisted opinion.

The views expressed by the outsider is also based on a misrepresented facts in the first place (they were sold a baited situation).

In short this outsiders view as reported to you as been tainted trough the BPD filter twice already

At times the outsider has done no more than placated the pwBPD as they didn't want to be impolite (or couldn't be bothered arguing) and disagree. There is not a lot of authenticity behind that opinion.

This is very common with doctor shoppers

[Cat Familiar]

just to introduce a sub issue into this.

Do you find that not only does your pwBPD take note of an outsiders opinion but also twist it, misreport it either innocently or deliberately and use it as "evidence" to validate there own twisted opinion.

This isn't really addressing your question, Waverider, but I'll throw this concept out anyway. My BPDh will latch on to something that an outsider validated about him and will then throw it in my face.

For example: He sometimes takes photographic prints to be framed at a very high-priced frame shop. He's sort of befriended the owner, a single mom whose daughter just started college. As he does with many people from whom he regularly buys things, he seems to think these business people are "friends" even though he has no other contact with them.

A typical scenario: He will take a photo in to be framed and the owner and people in the store will effusively compliment him on it. Then he will come home and say, "At least someone appreciates me." This is often after I've also complimented him on the very same photo. But somehow my opinion doesn't count.

[waverider]

just to introduce a sub issue into this.

Do you find that not only does your pwBPD take note of an outsiders opinion but also twist it, misreport it either innocently or deliberately and use it as "evidence" to validate there own twisted opinion.

For example: He sometimes takes photographic prints to be framed at a very high-priced frame shop. He's sort of befriended the owner, a single mom whose daughter just started college. As he does with many people from whom he regularly buys things, he seems to think these business people are "friends" even though he has no other contact with them.

This is another linked issue with qualifying relationship levels. There is a real difficulty in separating out who is a friend and who is an acquaintance. Hence assigning values on the interactions.

There is some merit in the "value ladder' theory. That is partner>family>close friends>colleagues>aquaintances>strangers. To us we can probably slot people easily into the respective catagory regardless of what they say. It is not opinion based it is reality based. Whereas pwBPD often put too much value in how much a person is validating their thoughts as to were they fit in this scale.

Hence someones position in that "value ladder" shifts regularly. Friends become devalued and acquaintances are elevated to "friend" status, all dependent on whether they are "on side" or not. Friends end up feeling betrayed and leave> abandonment. Acquaintances who have minimal interest in the persons welfare have too much influence

[hope2727]

just to introduce a sub issue into this.

Do you find that not only does your pwBPD take note of an outsiders opinion but also twist it, misreport it either innocently or deliberately and use it as "evidence" to validate there own twisted opinion.

For example: He sometimes takes photographic prints to be framed at a very high-priced frame shop. He's sort of befriended the owner, a single mom whose daughter just started college. As he does with many people from whom he regularly buys things, he seems to think these business people are "friends" even though he has no other contact with them.

This is another linked issue with qualifying relationship levels. There is a real difficulty in separating out who is a friend and who is an acquaintance. Hence assigning values on the interactions.

There is some merit in the "value ladder' theory. That is partner>family>close friends>colleagues>aquaintances>strangers. To us we can probably slot people easily into the respective catagory regardless of what they say. It is not opinion based it is reality based. Whereas pwBPD often put too much value in how much a person is validating their thoughts as to were they fit in this scale.

Hence someones position in that "value ladder" shifts regularly. Friends become devalued and acquaintances are elevated to "friend" status, all dependent on whether they are "on side" or not. Friends end up feeling betrayed and leave> abandonment. Acquaintances who have minimal interest in the persons welfare have too much influence

Wow thank you. I tried to explain it to my ex as layers of an onion with him at the middle me in the next layer and close friends in the next etc. He couldn't seem to get it. I think he was starting to buy by then it was pretty much to late. How sad.

[Cat Familiar]

This is another linked issue with qualifying relationship levels. There is a real difficulty in separating out who is a friend and who is an acquaintance. Hence assigning values on the interactions.

There is some merit in the "value ladder' theory. That is partner>family>close friends>colleagues>aquaintances>strangers. To us we can probably slot people easily into the respective catagory regardless of what they say. It is not opinion based it is reality based. Whereas pwBPD often put too much value in how much a person is validating their thoughts as to were they fit in this scale.

Hence someones position in that "value ladder" shifts regularly. Friends become devalued and acquaintances are elevated to "friend" status, all dependent on whether they are "on side" or not. Friends end up feeling betrayed and leave> abandonment. Acquaintances who have minimal interest in the persons welfare have too much influence

Wow! This is a great explanation!

It explains why he gets so bummed out when some person, who is only an acquaintance or a businessperson, doesn't respond as enthusiastically as he hoped they would when he sees them. He's elevated them to friend status, while they perceive him as a customer or merely an acquaintance.

[startrekuser]

Everyone,

With the recent increase in social media and other networks, we can all agree the BPD loves attention and has the potential to become a toxic combination. Credit fellow member Cole for the summary of BPD+FB=marital issues.

Why is a strangers attention more valued than a spouses?

Since learning the communication tools here I feel like I have become more of a parent to my wife, as she seeks my advice like a child would. This is OK, but she doesnt ever accept my compliments or believe any positive words I say to her.

However, she is quick to point out any stupid comment or compliment from FB or some

creep hitting on her at the store. Of her several hundred FB friends, I really doubt any more than 3 would actually help her out if need be.

What are your thoughts?

You are not alone. My BPDw thrives on the attention of strangers, especially men, and cannot get enough. She is remarkably attractive and has no problem getting that attention, which has caused serious problems in our marriage. Admittedly, she sees it and is trying hard to change.

With women it is a different story. She chooses friends who are unemployed, under educated, or have messed up lives. And they cannot be attractive; see sees that as a threat. Again, she finally has seen the light and is working to change that, also.   

And thank you, bobcat2014, for telling me about Shari Schiebe's site. Gave me a lot to think about.

Clean canvas to paint a new delusional self portrait on.

Short. Succinct. And 100% spot on.   

I guess this is somewhat related.  My wife is a total people pleaser when it comes to her friends.  There have been times when she was on the phone with a friend late at night and our daughter was trying to go to sleep and couldn't sleep b/c my wife was in the  room next door.  I asked her to go to a phone in another room and she wouldn't interrupt her friend speaking for fear of upsetting the friend.  So she chose her friend over her own daughter trying to go to sleep.  She did this with me once when I was trying to go to sleep.  I told my wife "just say excuse me" and I'm sure your friend would understand.  She says she's afraid her friend would get upset.  Unreal.

My wife also complains to me when nobody "Likes" her posts of Facebook.

[Cole]

Everyone,

With the recent increase in social media and other networks, we can all agree the BPD loves attention and has the potential to become a toxic combination. Credit fellow member Cole for the summary of BPD+FB=marital issues.

Why is a strangers attention more valued than a spouses?

Since learning the communication tools here I feel like I have become more of a parent to my wife, as she seeks my advice like a child would. This is OK, but she doesnt ever accept my compliments or believe any positive words I say to her.

However, she is quick to point out any stupid comment or compliment from FB or some

creep hitting on her at the store. Of her several hundred FB friends, I really doubt any more than 3 would actually help her out if need be.

What are your thoughts?

You are not alone. My BPDw thrives on the attention of strangers, especially men, and cannot get enough. She is remarkably attractive and has no problem getting that attention, which has caused serious problems in our marriage. Admittedly, she sees it and is trying hard to change.

With women it is a different story. She chooses friends who are unemployed, under educated, or have messed up lives. And they cannot be attractive; see sees that as a threat. Again, she finally has seen the light and is working to change that, also.  

And thank you, bobcat2014, for telling me about Shari Schiebe's site. Gave me a lot to think about.

Clean canvas to paint a new delusional self portrait on.

Short. Succinct. And 100% spot on.  

I guess this is somewhat related.  My wife is a total people pleaser when it comes to her friends.  There have been times when she was on the phone with a friend late at night and our daughter was trying to go to sleep and couldn't sleep b/c my wife was in the  room next door.  I asked her to go to a phone in another room and she wouldn't interrupt her friend speaking for fear of upsetting the friend.  So she chose her friend over her own daughter trying to go to sleep.  She did this with me once when I was trying to go to sleep.  I told my wife "just say excuse me" and I'm sure your friend would understand.  She says she's afraid her friend would get upset.  Unreal.

My wife also complains to me when nobody "Likes" her posts of Facebook.

I can think of a dozen examples where my wife has put the needs of her "friends" in front of the needs of our kids or me. This fall my d9 won tickets to the zoo for our family. She was so proud and could not wait to take us. Wife chose to go to a fund raising function at her old high school in a different state because impressing people she went to school with 25 years ago was more important to her her. She was in a manic phase at the time (BPD and bipolar, what fun!) and did not see anything wrong with it until she came down. Now she feels horribly guilty.

 

[workinprogress]

In a nutshell, her friends are her most valued possession, even though they come and go and often treat her terribly bad.

I recall one night, her dad had become very ill and her family was supposed to visit him in the hospital, but she already had plans for a "girls night out."  So, instead of going to see her dad, she went out with the "girls."

[startrekuser]

In between BPDh number 1 and BPDh number 2, I had a boyfriend, who might also have been BPD (thanks BPD mom for training me to be a BPD rescuer!).

The boyfriend was constantly meeting new people and was so impressed with them, based on zero evidence, only their interpersonal skills, that he would recommend them to others for their various business endeavors.

Based on this, I hired a tree trimmer that he recommended and it was a disaster! After I hired a couple of his other recommended "friends," I realized that he had no idea about their skill levels in their various fields and that his recommendation was based solely upon how much he had enjoyed talking with them. From that point, I steered clear of any of his future recommendations.

It strikes me that pwBPD often are so needy for approval that when they meet new people, it's like a child getting a new shiny toy: they're so excited about it and they haven't broken or damaged it in any way yet.

Wow, that sounds like my wife!  Her judgement of people is so often based on how charming the person is!  She is awed by charm and nothing else seems to matter.

[startrekuser]

This is a bit off-topic, but I wanted to relate this story of my BPDw.  I have this book about being a better husband and the first page is for wives and says that they shouldn't read the book because of the danger of them using it against the husbands.  So my wife read the book and highlighted the areas where she doesn't think I'm doing a good job.  Then she started going through it and pointing out to me how horrible a husband I am b/c I don't follow the book.  So I said, did you read the page where it says that wives shouldn't read it and she said yes, but I'm not using it against you, so it's OK.  She said this in the middle of the conversation in which she was using the book against me!  Rules and boundaries don't apply to BPDs when their emotions take control.

[formflier]

and she said yes, but I'm not using it against you, so it's OK. 

This is where you "stop" the conversation and indicate that you don't understand this and need an explanation... .keep turning her back to this topic... .if she tries to go off on rabbit trails.

Are you guys in MC? 

This would be an appropriate thing to bring up and let her explain it to you and the MC... .and then you explain your point of view.

She may never get it... .

You may never understand her point of view... .

But... .I would focus on that explanation for a long time...