Hi

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was just dumped for the second time by my I guess ex. We had been together for about 2 and a half years. 2 years before that we dated for about 9 months Both times she left me for the same guy. My therapist told me she is BPD after a joint session. I am hurt and confused I'm trying to figure out what happened so I can learn more about myself through this. I'm scared she will come back I told her I was done communicating with her and I would never take her back and she laughed and said" I know you better than you know yourself you will take me back"

[rapror496]

I was just dumped for the second time by my I guess ex. We had been together for about 2 and a half years. 2 years before that we dated for about 9 months Both times she left me for the same guy. My therapist told me she is BPD after a joint session. I am hurt and confused I'm trying to figure out what happened so I can learn more about myself through this. I'm scared she will come back I told her I was done communicating with her and I would never take her back and she laughed and said" I know you better than you know yourself you will take me back"

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Rapror, 

Welcome aboard.  I am sorry to hear that you are hurting.    The behaviors of people with BPD can be really confusing and hurtful.  Learning about BPD can really make sense of  what happened.  Here is an introduction on BPD to get you started.  BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

Sharing your story really helps with learning more about yourself.  There are many members here that have similar stories. 

Why are you scared that she might come back?

[rapror496]

Thank you. I'm scared she will come back as I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep my distance. she has done so before she keeps cycling between myself and this other guy she has had several other we relationships but after a couple of months they where all allegedly abusive.

When we got back together the first time she claimed that everyone was out to get her. She was allegedly manipulated by everyone in her life. I spent years cleaning up her mess's.

She was left a trust fund by her grandfather but she spent most of it. What little was left I invested in a house for her. She loved it

She left me last week and is already living with this guy. She has left her house and is waiting for the city to try take it.

[EaglesJuju]

That is really tough to cope with.  I can understand how you may feel still attached to her and not being able to keep your distance.  We have tools here to help you with that.  Please take a look.  TOOLS: Exiting a BPD relationship [romantic partners] 

Detaching from a pwBPD is really hard.  This is especially true when you invested a lot of time focusing on their needs and behavior.  Have you had the chance to focus on yourself?

Our members that are detaching from their relationship can be found here.

Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD

[JohnLove]

Hello rapror496, sorry to hear you're going through this mate. That is pretty ordinary behaviour.

That last comment of hers is not based on love but manipulation and her needs. But she does know how you really feel. She set that up too. pwBPD are hyper vigilant to others emotional states... .but not in the way you want.

Whenever I hear of a pwBPD pissing their life on a wall like this, I feel sad, so much lost opportunity. I know her Grandfather may have loved her too. I wonder how he would feel about this?... .

You seem pretty aware of your situation. Look after yourself

[rapror496]

Thanks. Her grandfather loved her dearly. He did enable this though as her mom was also a pwBPD. he would use his money and clout to get her mom out of trouble. She had been accused of harrasment and he settled out of court.

Do pwBPD get manipulated easily? I have noticed a trend where her mom and best friend can convince her to throw her life away. This friend actually came with her both times she left me. Everything between us was good unroll she reappeared.

[EaglesJuju]

Do pwBPD get manipulated easily? I have noticed a trend where her mom and best friend can convince her to throw her life away. This friend actually came with her both times she left me. Everything between us was good unroll she reappeared.

PwBPD's emotions are so intense and they can be vulnerable at times.  I can see how someone can influence them greatly.  Also pwBPD have an unstable sense of self.  They tend to mirror other people to gain a sense of self.  That could also be another plausible reason.  Honestly, there could be many reasons since BPD is a spectrum disorder.  It could be something as simple as wanting to please other people. 

[rapror496]

 Is it possible she trying to leave  the door open by making me feel like she is being manipulated by these people so she can return. When she is done with him?

I found out through one of his friends that she is driving a wedge between him and his friends. They can all see something isn't right. There not getting involved at all because there scared of her reaction if she finds out they don't like her.

[EaglesJuju]

Is it possible she trying to leave  the door open by making me feel like she is being manipulated by these people so she can return. When she is done with him?

I found out through one of his friends that she is driving a wedge between him and his friends. They can all see something isn't right. There not getting involved at all because there scared of her reaction if she finds out they don't like her.

It could be possible that she is making it look like she is being manipulated so she has a way to return. Sometimes, my pwBPD portrays a "victim."  Meaning he says things like, "everyone is mean or rude to me.  No one cares." Then he looks for me to lavish him with attention and comfort him.

Are you still worried that she may contact you or return?

[rapror496]

Not anymore. I found out a lot about her from her step father. He knows the whole situation as his wife her mom is also BPD. He is also a high ranking police officer. He suggests waiting it out.After everything I'm the only person who has ever been able to get through to her. And if she comes back I'm setting up boundaries and taking her to therapy. Her situation I a more complicated with tee h the mom and friends involved but she was making large improvements in the last couple months. I'm set and've not giving up on her at least not yet

[EaglesJuju]

Not anymore. I found out a lot about her from her step father. He knows the whole situation as his wife her mom is also BPD. He is also a high ranking police officer. He suggests waiting it out.After everything I'm the only person who has ever been able to get through to her. And if she comes back I'm setting up boundaries and taking her to therapy. Her situation I a more complicated with tee h the mom and friends involved but she was making large improvements in the last couple months. I'm set and've not giving up on her at least not yet

Have you read the lessons on the Staying board?  It is a great place to start if you are deciding to reconnect.  Here is an article to help you get started.  The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Take sometime to take care of yourself while you are waiting on her return. It is easy to forget ourselves sometimes.

Setting boundaries is really important but, you really cannot force her into therapy. The one thing we can do is help point our pwBPD in the right direction.      

[rapror496]

Thanks. A big part of this decision was a call I made earlier today. She threatened m e with a restraining order at first but then broke down. I think she knows that all the stuff she is claiming I did was in fact the new guy. His friend told me he disallowed contact because he is afraid of me      I know I can't force her. But last time I asked she was receptive to the idea.