How do you deal with their reactions to your change in mood?

[mssalty]

My SO perceives any change in mood and always equates the reasoning to be about them and/or a fault in me.   This makes me tense up often beyond whatever has impacted my mood and get even worse, which starts raging.   

Is there any way to help them understand a) that people's moods can and do change, and b) if they truly do have anything to do with it, we know it will be a lose/lose conversation if we try to talk about it?   

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[vortex of confusion]

I am interested to see what kind of advice you get as this is an area where I struggle. I find myself getting defensive and I know that isn't helpful and tends to make things worse.

[Allmessedup]

My dxBPDgf is immensely sensitive to every change of mood!   In the beginning we fought I've this much like you describe as she took it the same way.  Heck I didn't even realize my mood had changed half the time.

We have worked really hard on that one and she is beginning to understand that outside influences do cause my mood to change.  On my end I try to be more cognizant of them and explain first why my mood is off... .or might be off.   Ie, I had a bad day at work just so you know ahead of time,  will be one of the first things I say to her.

It's most definately harder when she is the cause of my mood change.  I try to be very careful when I say I am feeling angry right now. I get why you said xyz however that Hurt for this reason.  Can you see how that could be?

Most times this works if I am calm and not accusing her of anything.  However if it's something that really upsets me I excuse myself and get me under control first.  We have a rule that we can "table" any discussion if emotions get overwhelming for any reason whatsoever,   So I will go take the dog for a walk, go journal whatever... .and then we discuss it later.

She has the freedom to do the same and it has worked quite well for us overall

[waverider]

Boundary time. You have a right to your own mood and feelings.

State clearly that you just feel down, and it has nothing to do with them and anything they have done. That you just need space to yourself

If they wont leave it be, take your mood and yourself elsewhere.

You cant make them understand, but you can remove yourself from further aggravation.

[Cole]

Been in the same boat for years. I eventually found myself emotionally shut down because if I express an emotion she will either make it all about her and how everything is her fault or explode the situation into a major mess and rant about it for days.

DO NOT EMOTIONALLY SHUT DOWN. That is what I did for years and it just made matters worse. You have the right to your emotions. Explain they have nothing to do with her. If she wants to make a mountain out of a mole hill, walk away. Once she realizes there is no dirt and no shovel she will likely drop it.       

[ydrys017]

Been in the same boat for years. I eventually found myself emotionally shut down because if I express an emotion she will either make it all about her and how everything is her fault or explode the situation into a major mess and rant about it for days.

DO NOT EMOTIONALLY SHUT DOWN. That is what I did for years and it just made matters worse. You have the right to your emotions. Explain they have nothing to do with her. If she wants to make a mountain out of a mole hill, walk away. Once she realizes there is no dirt and no shovel she will likely drop it.       

Same here, and ditto on the advice to not shut down emotionally!  I did this for 11 years, and now realize that I was essentially trained by my uBPD mother who would just berate me for hours and insist that I just stand there and take it - no response allowed.  I very much became an 'Avoider' type and and so with uBPDw I would just avoid and shut down.  By the time I recovered from an incident, it was just in time for the next one - for 11 years.  Then 4 years of finding my voice and responding ( aka JADE ) proved disastrous.  Now, I too am learning to decide when to engage, to what extent, no JADE, and to express an emotion if I choose to - if it bombs, then I know what to do!

[Cat Familiar]

Boundary time. You have a right to your own mood and feelings.

State clearly that you just feel down, and it has nothing to do with them and anything they have done. That you just need space to yourself

If they wont leave it be, take your mood and yourself elsewhere.

You cant make them understand, but you can remove yourself from further aggravation.

Good advice. I forget sometimes when I want understanding and compassion that he is not capable of it if he feels under attack. And when I'm not my smiling happy self, he takes it personally--like I'm mad at him or that I think he's done something wrong.

Before he would assert that I was mad at him and I would deny it, but as I've now learned for pwBPD, feelings equal facts. It would go back and forth for a while, he demanding that I was mad at him, me denying, until finally I was mad at him, and he felt vindicated, because he was right in the first place and in his mind, I was merely denying the obvious.

[Cole]

Before he would assert that I was mad at him and I would deny it, but as I've now learned for pwBPD, feelings equal facts. It would go back and forth for a while, he demanding that I was mad at him, me denying, until finally I was mad at him, and he felt vindicated, because he was right in the first place and in his mind, I was merely denying the obvious.

This made me laugh because it is so true! It is as if they want us to be mad at them, so if we aren't they do what they can to make us. We had a fight a while back which ended with, "I wasn't mad before, but I am good and p***ed now!"   

[vortex of confusion]

Boundary time. You have a right to your own mood and feelings.

State clearly that you just feel down, and it has nothing to do with them and anything they have done. That you just need space to yourself

If they wont leave it be, take your mood and yourself elsewhere.

You cant make them understand, but you can remove yourself from further aggravation.

I have done the whole "I am feeling kind of <fill in the blank> today" thing and it does not seem to help. I am thinking about an incident that happened the other day. I was feeling kind of bleh and didn't want to talk and didn't want to really listen to him. He was off of work for two weeks and he didn't really go anywhere or do anything. It was day in and day out of him being everywhere. I tried to get out a couple of different times. Anyway, the day when I felt bleh, it seemed like he would follow me around and make comments about how I was feeling and why wasn't I talking. I was trying to avoid the aggravation and remove myself but there are times when I can only go so far. My husband is very obsessive about things and will obsess over my behavior to the point that I can't relax or think straight when he is around. Like others have mentioned, I pretty much shut down.

[Stalwart]

Wow Mssalty I can relate to this. My wife has an uncanny ability to scan my face an immediately detect any change of mood and I have to admit generally she's right. It's like being in an MRI only a little quieter.

After my wife recognized her diagnosis and started taking effective counselling I found that this all came down to communications and absolute honesty when confronted about my moods. It took some time I think for her to truly get that my every thought, emotion, situation action and reaction isn't necessarily about her but she got it. "Sometimes sweetheart it's just about me, my day, my work and absolutely nothing about you." She understands that now and trust me to tell her if it is about her or us. When it is I'm honest and whatever the issue might be I'm supportive when I approach it. To me this was all about her learning more about mindfulness and me learning better communications and honesty.

Don't know it this will help but never surrender, you can do this with love and patience and make it better. I think knowing just how focused they always are on their own emotions and fears really helps to understand why they always consider it's about them. Hope you find peace with your answers.

[waverider]

Of course the hard bit is when it is about them and the whole BPD thing, but you know it is something thats just not worth bring it up and can't be resolved as its not a specific issue to address.

eg " I am sick of not living a normal life"~ How do you deal with that? Cover it up?

This is ultimately what they suspect, as that is what they have dealt with their whole life

[ColdEthyl]

Wow Mssalty I can relate to this. My wife has an uncanny ability to scan my face an immediately detect any change of mood and I have to admit generally she's right. It's like being in an MRI only a little quieter.

They read us like a book, don't they? It's an odd thing that they can pick up on that stuff, but have no idea who they really are. Whenever I'm in a mood that affect him, I tell him why I am feeling the way I do, and I usually throw in "I'm allowed to my own emotions" If I need to. He's the King of saying that, so I will offer it back to him if he isn't understanding. If he continues, I will tell him I'm not going to engage in that type of discussion at this time, if he would like to continue it, I will leave the home and allow myself to feel what I am feeling, and I will come back in an hour. I haven't actually had to leave yet.

[waverider]

Wow Mssalty I can relate to this. My wife has an uncanny ability to scan my face an immediately detect any change of mood and I have to admit generally she's right. It's like being in an MRI only a little quieter.

They read us like a book, don't they? It's an odd thing that they can pick up on that stuff, but have no idea who they really are. Whenever I'm in a mood that affect him, I tell him why I am feeling the way I do, and I usually throw in "I'm allowed to my own emotions" If I need to. He's the King of saying that, so I will offer it back to him if he isn't understanding. If he continues, I will tell him I'm not going to engage in that type of discussion at this time, if he would like to continue it, I will leave the home and allow myself to feel what I am feeling, and I will come back in an hour. I haven't actually had to leave yet.

They are hyper sensitive to our moods, however they can totally misinterpret them. A bit like a nervous sentry who fires off at the wind rustling in the bushes.

This is because they are on constant red alert for incoming criticism

[ColdEthyl]

A bit like a nervous sentry who fires off at the wind rustling in the bushes.

Let's just hope the safety is on Ol' Betsy  (A Robin Hood joke)

Yep that's why when he can't find something, even though he doesn't pick up after himself, someone moved it on him. If there is some sort of food item he wanted to eat but there were no leftovers... .someone ate it so he couldn't have any. If I'm typing something on my phone or Ipad, it's another dude. He lives in a constant state of paranoia.

[waverider]

Dont forget the dating site ad banners that appear on everyday web pages.

Even models in ads who appear in banners >> "whos that?". That fact that this "model" is advertising car insurance is completely missed.

It got so bad once that I was hiding the fact that I was browsing the internet. Even though I have a web based job. Makes me shudder how avoiding I was

Once I made a stand she stopped checking, even to the extend that I can leave bpdfamily.com open and leave the comp knowing she wont even look.

[Mie]

I am not a moody person and that helps.

However, I do have my moments, specially since living with him, when I feel overwhelmed by responsibility and all things I have to take care of , and when I'm tired a little trigger makes me burst into tears.

His reaction is to say 'what's wrong?' in a harsh and reserved voice, and then either go away or start mocking me.  First I found it disturbing, but now I know that he is probably thinking my mood has something to do with him, and when it happens I just explain, and try to point out a specific reason (I hate taxes, I have back pain and now this... .).

I feel often bored by people, and would just like to be alone. He sees that and gets irritated, he blames me for hating people (I certainly don't).

[Cole]

Wow Mssalty I can relate to this. My wife has an uncanny ability to scan my face an immediately detect any change of mood and I have to admit generally she's right. It's like being in an MRI only a little quieter.

They read us like a book, don't they? It's an odd thing that they can pick up on that stuff, but have no idea who they really are. Whenever I'm in a mood that affect him, I tell him why I am feeling the way I do, and I usually throw in "I'm allowed to my own emotions" If I need to. He's the King of saying that, so I will offer it back to him if he isn't understanding. If he continues, I will tell him I'm not going to engage in that type of discussion at this time, if he would like to continue it, I will leave the home and allow myself to feel what I am feeling, and I will come back in an hour. I haven't actually had to leave yet.

In my research of the disease, I found several studies which indicate pwBPD pick up on other people's emotions remarkably faster than the general population. I think that is why they excel in occupations such as acting or sales, where that ability is of great value.

Unfortunately, they can misinterpret the emotion or assume the emotion has to do with them. My wife has the uncanny ability to read me like a book, but assumes any negative emotion she picks up on is targeted at her.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow Mssalty I can relate to this. My wife has an uncanny ability to scan my face an immediately detect any change of mood and I have to admit generally she's right. It's like being in an MRI only a little quieter.

My husband is always scanning my face for signs of displeasure and frankly it's really intrusive to me. There are times that a momentary issue that's really of little concern will trouble me and I'll figure out a strategy to deal with it and be done with it. But he will read some distress in my face and begin an inquiry. I now realize that he's always worried about being criticized for something he has "done wrong" and if I'm at all unhappy, he's sure it has something to do with him.