My Story

[Lady Sirrah]

I married my BPD husband ten months ago. It didn't take long for the splitting and raging to begin. Jealousy was a huge trigger for him. Suddenly I found myself unable to be away from my phone (in case he texted) or go anywhere in public without him. I was slowly being pulled into an abusive relationship and didn't even realize it. The realization came when he was drinking one evening back in May and was triggered by thinking about an old boyfriend of mine he saw on Facebook. I am not going to go into detail of the horrible things he said to me but I will tell you that he physically abused me so bad that night I was sore from head to toe for a week. I set a boundary the next day. He could never, never bring alcohol into our home again. And he did abide by it. Things got better but still not that great. In June I quit work to go back to college and the splitting and raging started all over again. We took a vacation in July to Las Vegas thinking that maybe a release of some stress would do us good. He got very drunk one night and lost me in the casino. Hours later I found him in the hotel room passed out on the bed with all my clothes on the floor torn to pieces. I thought that when he woke up we could talk about everything logically. Well, the moment he opened his eyes he was raging at me. He accused me of ditching him on the casino floor to go trolling for other men. I was so shocked and afraid for my life but I was somewhat paralyzed with fear. Needless to say, it took two weeks in bed to recover from my injuries that day. It took another month to finally gather up the strength to pack his bag and tell him that he was no longer welcome in our home. I told him if the abuse did not stop then I would report him to the police. Of course, he was good for a bit and just as I got sucked back in a little he started the abuse again; this time only the verbal and emotional but some throwing of objects still. When I realized he started to cross that line again I called the police and filed a report. Unbeknownst to me, he already had a warrant for his arrest for evading a previous domestic violence episode with a previous girlfriend. He was arrested a few days later and has been in jail since. It was shortly after his arrest that I happened to stumble upon Borderline Personality Disorder. When I started to read the information, stories and such I felt as thought I was reading "our" life story. Finally, everything made sense. We had already made reference to his rages as him becoming Mr. Hyde. We had our finger on it and didn't even know. To summarize, last month I introduced BPD to him and he has read a book on it. He has told me that he really does see himself in the book and he is connecting with it wholeheartedly. I have also started seeing a domestic violence counselor and read one of Randi Kreger's books so far. I already feel 50% better. He has already started to doing some therapy in jail. I know there will be back steps. He actually had one this evening. And I know that my safety has to be first and foremost in my thoughts. I have an advantage now because when he gets released in January he will have probation and is ordered to go through the 52 week domestic violence classes. So this is where I am at right now. I have started to learn how to take care of myself and communicate with him more effectively. I have begun the conversation on setting boundaries and he has agreed. He really does sound like he is improving. (And don't worry, I do not have Stockholm Syndrome; I can tell the difference in his words and actions). I can say that right now I scared out of my mind for when he comes home. I feel confident that the physical abuse is moving behind us but I am still in PTSD mode a little.

I just bought the "Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook" so I can start working on my therapy. I like workbooks, I find them very effective. I also need to learn how to stop taking things too personal (I actually had this problem before I married him).

Can anyone offer any guidance on how to not be so dang scared?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

Sorry to hear you have had such a hard time.

The experience often found with members on this site is that domestic violence repeats, despite promises, insights and restarts.

What you have gone through would be considered as deal breakers for most. So think carefully about why things will be any different.

With BPD when episodes are triggered all recent insights and lessons often go out the window in the moment.

So the question is what has physically changed to ensure this does not repeat?

The most obvious suggestion if you are determined to try to rebuild this is to stay separated, so that you have your safe haven, and to probably not leave yourself isolated with him until long term changes have been proven.

What does your domestic Councillor advise you should do?

[formflier]

 

Also... .if I read the story right... .he has had previous relationships that involved domestic violence. 

Lots of questions need to be asked when setting up a treatment plan for this.

What is going to be different this time... .so that he has a new... .healthier way of behaving.

[Lady Sirrah]

"With BPD when episodes are triggered all recent insights and lessons often go out the window in the moment."

Yes, that is the thought I have right now and know to be true. I think that is why I am so scared.  Because I know when the big trigger comes, he might not have any control.

I haven't spoken with the DV counselor yet on the specifics of living with him or staying separated. I plan to do this in my next session this Thursday.

I think what has been circling in my head is that regardless of whether I live with him or stay physically separated from him, I need to have a safety plan. I am planning to ask the DV counselor if she has some guidelines on this.

"So the question is what has physically changed to ensure this does not repeat?"

Well, he knows that if he hits me again he will go to prison. He has used up all of his county time. I guess I am just stuck wondering if this is a good enough motivator for him. Also, I have set a very specific boundary that he can't bring alcohol into our home or come in the door intoxicated.

I know this stuff will take a lot of commitment and work on my part. I am prepared and accepting, if it means that he will get better.

So I think my answer lies in his actions. If he starts to fall off the therapy/medication wagon then I need to be ready to leave him.

Also, he has said in the last week that he know he needs medication now. Should I take that as a good sign?

[waverider]

Well, he knows that if he hits me again he will go to prison. He has used up all of his county time. I guess I am just stuck wondering if this is a good enough motivator for him

Prisons are full of people who have reoffended in the knowledge that will be the result of their actions. Dysregulation means an inability to regulate emotions and actions regardless of consequences.

Also, I have set a very specific boundary that he can't bring alcohol into our home or come in the door intoxicated.

How can you enforce this? Or will the attempt just start an unwinable fight?

Also, he has said in the last week that he know he needs medication now. Should I take that as a good sign?

BPD can't be cured of controlled with medication. Then can lessen some of the side effects, but they dont manage the disorder.

Insights and good intentions come and go. It is a good step but there is still a long road ahead of you before you can feel safe.

Knowing he has to behave can cause him to bottle things up until eventually he snaps with an even more lethal attack as all the pent up frustration piles on top of what is happening in the moment. This bottling up of "past transgressions' is a very common BPD trait once they dysregulate.

Your own physical safety should be paramount as a long term plan now. Substantial improvements in this disorder take a loong time, if they ever become permanent at all.

[Lady Sirrah]

Thank you waverider. You have given me some very good food for thought. Yes, safety is paramount here. And I have communicated that to him. We've been fortunate to have good, meaningful conversations as being in jail has let the Dr. Jekyll out more often. He did start to open up about his growing up. It seems that his father was abusing drugs, abusing his mom and forcing him to have fist fights with his brothers. I can understand now where his violent traits stem from.

With all that said, I am seriously going to visit these thoughts with my DV counselor this week.  :'(It does help to have the support on this site as we seem to forget or ignore the red flags when they are clear as day.

I have made a vow to him to help him and support him. But I have made it clear that my vow does not include enduring abuse any longer. So I think I am on the right trail here. This stuff is just so damn hard.javascript:void(0);

[HappyNihilist]

 

Hello there and welcome to bpdfamily, Lady Sirrah. I'm sorry for what you've been through. 

Your story spoke to me on a very deep level. Your husband sounds a lot like my exBPDbf. Jealousy was a huge trigger for him, and alcohol made it even worse. I have a knife scar from one such incident.

I have made a vow to him to help him and support him. But I have made it clear that my vow does not include enduring abuse any longer.

I'm glad your safety is paramount.  I definitely think that you should discuss your thoughts with your DV counselor.

Remember, You are important. Take care of yourself. 

[patientandclear]

Lady Sirrah:

I've mentioned this rarely on this board because this story is about my marriage with my exH, who is not the uBPD man who brought me here.

I was seriously, repeatedly physically abused (as well as horribly verbally abused) by my exH over years. It advanced slowly like everyone says. First terrible words, then throwing things, then smashing a treasured possession (one of my few).

Then he shoved, and hit me. Then he seriously attacked me and I thought he'd kill me if he weren't so drunk.

I left. Grabbed my baby from out of his sleeping arms (he'd ordered me out, said he'd kill me; I said I could not go without her and he said "over my dead body". Grabbed my dog. Got the hell out, called my dad at 2 am.

Here's the point. A few days later we talked. He said ... .The sort of stuff your guy is saying now. He wanted to make the changes. He felt so much shame. He needed his family with him to do the hard work needed.

Like you I felt I should support and stand by him. I went back.

He didn't follow through. My kid started to hear terrible things said to her mom. Finally he choked me on Christmas Eve after taking my kid out of my arms.

That was 8 years ago. He has since completed DV treatment and went through a long period of sobriety (he's an alcoholic and drinking was sometimes in play during the abuse, but not always). We have a decent relationship at remote arm's length. He has serious weaknesses as a dad but we keep it civil.

And I will say I would be scared out of my mind to live with him or to have my now 10 year old daughter spend even one night alone with him. Without having heard my stories of physical battery, she related to me that on overnight stays a few years back, she sensed he might hit her. He exhibits the same inability to refrain from destructive verbal attacks against me as I saw before we split.

Point being, he said all the right things. I was so supportive. He had big incentives (a young family, me having left once already). Yet he was unable to give up these coping strategies to deal with his intense resentment toward me which surfaced whenever he had self doubt, which was often.

I was thinking today what I could have done differently. I would give much to go back and say he could do his figuring things out and getting help and identifying what's wrong. He could make needed changes. Once his life was demonstrably different and sustainable, and I could observe that, I would consider returning. That MIGHT have put me in a safe enough position--either he'd have done that (make changes on his own, take responsibility for that) or not (in which case I would know). Instead, I came back to "help" and "support." And that was the end of his effort.

Wishing you peace in mind and body.

[formflier]

Once his life was demonstrably different and sustainable, and I could observe that, I would consider returning. That MIGHT have put me in a safe enough position--either he'd have done that (make changes on his own, take responsibility for that) or not (in which case I would know). Instead, I came back to "help" and "support." And that was the end of his effort.

I think this is huge point!

Make sure the change comes from him first... .not from you "encouraging" the change... .or "pushing for it".

If it comes from him first... .it MIGHT... .stick.

Lady Sirrah,

How can that look in your case... .for the change to come from him?  How can you make sure to not get in the way?  What does DV counselor say is appropriate level of support?

[Cat Familiar]

I dealt with violence, both physical and emotional, with my ex-husband. The first incident I remember was him smashing a beautiful piece of art that he made himself and had treasured. I was so incredibly shocked. I had never seen anyone do something like that.

Then, when he started painting me black, the verbal abuse began. He was so comfortable doing that, he even yelled at me in front of his mother, who looked horrified. She had dealt with his father, who I believe was also violent toward her and had been arrested multiple times for fighting.

After the verbal abuse, he began assaulting me. He would hit me, but not where the bruises would be obvious to other people. A favorite was hitting me just below the ribcage and knocking the wind out of me, sometimes taking me to the ground and sitting on me and putting his hands around my neck. One time he even knocked the wind out of me when we were behind a grocery store.

It wasn't until I finally screamed when he was chasing me one night that he stopped the abuse. I told myself that I was no longer going to tolerate it and if it continued, I thought he would kill me. That night I slept alone with a knife in my hand and I told myself if he came near me and tried to attack me that I was going to fight him like a wild animal, with no thought of stopping. It was either him or me.

It's hard to imagine finally getting to that point so many years ago, but something in me broke that night. I was no longer willing to be a victim and if I were to kill him or seriously wound him, that is what I was going to do, regardless of the consequences. This truly is so unlike my character. I feel guilty vacuuming up spiders. I love animals. I would never intentionally hurt anyone, but at that point, my self-defense mechanism finally kicked into overdrive after so many years of abuse.

[Cat Familiar]

He must have psychically felt that I was no longer safe to attack, because he didn't attack me that night.

I broke up with him the next morning and while I went through the divorce proceedings, I felt in danger on several occasions. A friend gave me a handgun, which I felt uncomfortable having, but I kept under my bed. I went to a shooting range to practice.

On a few occasions, my ex opened the door to my house and took things he had given me for birthdays and Christmas, as well as other things he wanted. One time I came home and I smelled gas escaping. He had done something to the propane line and it was leaking gas into the house.

His new girlfriend told me that she was a witch and that she had willed people's houses to burn down. Ironically it was a few months later when the house she and my ex were living in burned to the ground while they were away at work.

Some years later, I read in the paper that he was arrested for beating up his new wife. He fled the state with her and moved across country. There is still an active arrest warrant for him so I doubt that I will ever see him again, thankfully!

[sweetheart]

Lady Sirrah  

Thank you for posting such a difficult life story and thank you to those that followed with their own on this thread    

Here in the UK if a person, let's say a man with a clear history as a perpetrator of domestic violence is incarcerated and then made to attend DV counselling it is not usual that he would be allowed back to live with the person he abused. Many red flags would be raised if he did. The recommendations to the woman from any outside agency would be not to have him back until there has been a time frame from which he can be monitored.

I don't think you have any children but it is worth saying that were you to accept him back with his history you would run the risk of loosing your children.

For me there are no grey areas in your history with this man, and there are no grey areas for you once he is released from prison, because the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. Until you know for sure what you are dealing with once he is released your safety is at risk if you allow this man back to live with you.

If you want to be with him live apart and take it from there, let him demonstrate to you through his willingness to address his violence and any other relevant issues that he can do the work necessary to change.

[patientandclear]

To boil down what I was trying to say last night: I truly think the most profound help and support you can give him is to step away. Way away. He can prove himself to you over time if he decides to do that. But if you don't make that the requirement for even considering resuming a relationship, you are telling him this is not as profound a violation of your self as it was. It's really not helpful to him, let alone you. He needs a super clear message about the extreme nature of this breach of trust. If you just sign back on for another tour, it is practically like giving him permission not to take this seriously.

I am serious. You can best help and support him by NOT being particularly warm or kind to him for a good long while, if ever.

[hope2727]

They have to get well and come home not come home and get well.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/waiting_for_change.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/treatment_general.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/couples_therapy.html

www.abigails.org/treatment%20FAQs.htm

These really helped me. The first site in particular is one worth exploring. The last one is a list of how to tell if he is really changing which I printed and taped to my bathroom mirror for months.

[Cat Familiar]

Can anyone offer any guidance on how to not be so dang scared?

I think you have every right to be scared. It's self-protection. And your husband has demonstrated that he is not a safe person. I don't think you should try to get rid of the scared feelings. I think you should listen to them.

[Lady Sirrah]

Make sure the change comes from him first... .not from you "encouraging" the change... .or "pushing for it".

Yes. I am definitely there. And thank you for reminding me. I had that very thought in my mind the first time I contacted him in jail. And, I feel good today because I know I am going to stick to it. I know I am not going to be the co-dependent. I know he is going to be accountable for his actions. Thank you so much for talking with me.

It's hard to imagine finally getting to that point so many years ago, but something in me broke that night. I was no longer willing to be a victim and if I were to kill him or seriously wound him, that is what I was going to do, regardless of the consequences.

I made it there too. I think when we reach that point we have decided to not be the victim any longer. Mine came in the form of packing his bag and telling him he could not come back into our home. I thank you for sharing your story, I know it must be hard to remember those times. Hearing these stories, though, helps to keep awareness in the forefront of my mind. The physical abuse only happened the two times I mentioned and while he was very inebriated; I am still very concerned for that of course but I think what I am more worried about is him throwing objects. That is his real cup of tea, if you know what I mean.

He needs a super clear message about the extreme nature of this breach of trust.

That is exactly what I had been thinking since July. I was thinking that him going to jail was that super clear message but I just realized that he didn't take that action. I did. I think for me, for him, that super clear message is him sitting in front of a group of his peers (like in the DV class) and openly explaining in detail exactly what he did to me. What do think about that as a step?

[patientandclear]

I am extremely skeptical of anything except demonstrated living in keeping with a new set of values.  Showing you respect and kindness on a day to day basis, for quite a while.  Months.  A year.  More.

My exH completed a high quality DV treatment course.  He wrote an essay.  He was very proud of it and gave it to me to read.  He thought he was taking a lot of responsibility.  I don't recall the details now but it made me furious to read it.  There was zero comprehension of what it took from me when he attacked me and abused me.  Zero understanding of the impact on my ability to trust and feel safe.

He has engaged in abusive and manipulative patterns again many times since then.  We are divorced and I am only in touch with him at all because we have a child in common.  What's telling is that he went through quite a few months where I felt like maybe we could be real friends.  Maybe he'd really learned something in those classes or on his own since.

But when he got stressed and needed something, he still slipped right back into those old behaviors to try to force me to help him.

So, bottom line: this stuff is very hard to change.  It is rooted in longstanding coping skills that are operating below the level of cognition (which is why DV treatment has such a very low success rate).  I would only believe in change that is proven to you, to your own senses, over a long period of time, in advance of getting back together.

xxoo

[hope2727]

I am extremely skeptical of anything except demonstrated living in keeping with a new set of values.  Showing you respect and kindness on a day to day basis, for quite a while.  Months.  A year.  More.

My exH completed a high quality DV treatment course.  He wrote an essay.  He was very proud of it and gave it to me to read.  He thought he was taking a lot of responsibility.  I don't recall the details now but it made me furious to read it.  There was zero comprehension of what it took from me when he attacked me and abused me.  Zero understanding of the impact on my ability to trust and feel safe.

He has engaged in abusive and manipulative patterns again many times since then.  We are divorced and I am only in touch with him at all because we have a child in common.  What's telling is that he went through quite a few months where I felt like maybe we could be real friends.  Maybe he'd really learned something in those classes or on his own since.

But when he got stressed and needed something, he still slipped right back into those old behaviors to try to force me to help him.

So, bottom line: this stuff is very hard to change.  It is rooted in longstanding coping skills that are operating below the level of cognition (which is why DV treatment has such a very low success rate).  I would only believe in change that is proven to you, to your own senses, over a long period of time, in advance of getting back together.

xxoo

I really needed to read this today.  I have been doing research n DV treatment modalities and it is really depressing. It returns out the the longitudinal and meta analysis show that NONE of the current methods for treating the perpetrators of domestic violence have lasting effective results. Like none of them. I was totally stunned, then depressed, then obsessed (how can this be?), then just plain sad. Reading your experience is slowly shoving me toward acceptance.

[formflier]

 

Lady Sirrah,

I think you are getting lots of good points of view to consider.  Please be very deliberate about thinking these through... .

Take your time... .

[hope2727]

Lady Sirrah,

I think you are getting lots of good points of view to consider.  Please be very deliberate about thinking these through... .

Take your time... .

Such very wise words.