Hello My mum (aged 60) was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. She's struggled w

[hfb17]

Hello

My mum (aged 60) was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. She's struggled with her mental health for as long as I can remember and mistreated my brother and I when we were kids. Although I try to maintain a good relationship with her, this Christmas has been a particularly difficult time with her, and to be totally honest, I'm really angry with her! As well as feeling upset, hurt etc etc. Would just be good to know I'm not alone, and see what others do to help themselves and their BPD relative in this situation!

Thanks

[NorthernGirl]

Hello hfb17 and 

I'm sorry to hear that your mum mistreated you and your brother. You are definitely not alone!

Christmas and other special times can be especially difficult for someone with BPD. For some reason, these times often make the person more emotional, and they may have a hard time regulating those emotions.

I see that you have also posted on the Coping and Healing board, are you will certainly find others there who understand your situation. Please keep posting and reading on that board. There is lots of information you can read to help you cope, and lots of tools you can use when you communicate with your mum that can help. You can learn about setting healthy boundaries that will ensure you look after yourself.

Welcome again. You've come to the right place. 

[hfb17]

Thank you for your supportive words. It's really only recently, becoming a mum myself, that I'm REALLY seeing things for what they were, and determined to improve things, for myself, my mother and my brother. I've always had issues with my mum and the way she treated us, but her behavious this last few weeks has just taken things too far, with her being violent to my stepfather, then not speaking to anyone for two weeks and counting. All this when both my partner and daughter have had to spend the night in hospital and I could have done with some support. I've always tried to be supportive of my mum, but I really see now how manipulative and totally self absorbed she can be. Determined nit to face facts, and instead blame everyone else for everything rather than accept she needs to seek proper help for the right things. Sorry if I'm not making mush sense, I guess its the first time I've really spoken about this in this kind of way! I know things can be very tough for my mum, and I understand where she's coming from on a lot of the things that upset her, but the fact that she continues to behave as she does totally negates any apologies she's made to myself or my bother for the way she treated us.

[NorthernGirl]

You are making lots of sense. I'm glad you have started to share your story and your feelings. It is a great way to move towards healing. 

[clljhns]

Hi hfb17 and  ,

So glad you are here! I am so sorry to hear about the  problems with your mom. I completely understand how difficult it is to have a relationship with a parent with BPD, my mom is uBPD.

My mum (aged 60) was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago.

Is your mom in therapy? What are her plans to manage BPD?

I'm really angry with her! As well as feeling upset,

You have every right to feel the way you do. What are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have a trusted friend that you can talk to or a therapist?

I found it critically important to my mental health to see a therapist. I also found it necessary to go NC with my parents years ago to preserve my sanity. I am not suggesting that you go NC, but I do think it is important that you take care of yourself.

Have you read any of the articles at the top of this board? These articles are very helpful and can offer some tips in communicating with mom. I would suggest you read the article on S.E.T to start some practices that will help in communicating with mom.

Wishing you the best! 

[hfb17]

Hi clljhns, thank you for the reply.

Sorry, but what does uBPD mean, and also NC and SET? Sorry to be a pain!

To respond to your points though... .

My mum was seeing a good psychologist for a while but has moved home since and has seen a psychiatrist a few times but we suspect she's not telling her the whole picture - focussing on the low mood side of things rather than violence, anger and everything that comes with it. Althogh when things have been good we've talked about things, she doesn't seem overly comitted to fighting it and trying to improve things.

I talk to my partner about it, and also my brother and father on occasion. I've not really spoken to a friend about it, certainly not in any detail. I've seen various councillors etc over the years but probably haven't focussed specifically on my upbringing, the effect it's had, and the effect mum still has. I am thinking of seeing who there is that I could talk to, as I think it'd do me good - joining this forum is the furthest I've gone in terms of really trying to overcome things.

I'll have a look at some of the articles - thanks for the pointer.

thanks everyone for your responses   

[Kwamina]

Hi hfb17

Hi clljhns, thank you for the reply.

Sorry, but what does uBPD mean, and also NC and SET? Sorry to be a pain!

That's ok  All these abbreviations take some time getting used too

uBPD = undiagnosed BPD

NC = No Contact

SET = Support Empathy Truth

SET is a technique for communication with a person with BPD. You can read more about it here:

S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

[clljhns]

Hi hfb17,

Sorry to be a pain!

NO! You are not a pain! So sorry that I didn't explain these to you in my post! Thank you Kwamina for explaining!

Let us know how you are doing.

Wishing you all the best! 

[hfb17]

No worries

To be honest I'm feeling quite alright at the moment. I feel more positive and determined that I have done for a while in a way, as for a number of years I've got on fine with my mum on a superficial level, but now that she's 'shown her true colours' again with me I feel like a burden's been lifted. I feel now that my focus should be on ME and my family, not on trying to help her. Although I will be there for her if/when she needs me, you can't help someone who won't help herself, so the next step is up to her. I want to free myself from the effects of her and my childhood. I want to be the person I should be. I know that sounds a bit airy fairy ;o)

My mum has to face facts and try to get help for her problems. If she doesn't I worry that something serious will happen to her or my step father. It's ridiculous to even have thoughts like that popping in to my head, but I think it's the truth. She can no longer get away with just saying 'oops, sorry I was an idiot but I feel better now' and pretend that's good enough. Not getting help for her violent temper also means that her apologies to my brother and I are meaningless. And it also means that I will never entrust my daughter to her for any length of time.

I've just ordered 'surviving a borderline parent' which looks like a very helpful book.

Thanks again for reading and responding

[hfb17]

sorry those were supposed to be smilies!

[clljhns]

Hi hfb17,

Glad to hear that you are feeling better! I think you will find Surviving a Borderline Parent very insightful and helpful.

Peace and blessings to you on your journey!

[Kwamina]

sorry those were supposed to be smilies!

I fixed them for ya!