can it be worth it?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I dated my ex for about a year. She cheated and left when I couldn't visit her due to a family hospitalization. Those six months were perfect.

She literally showed up on my doorstep 3 years later. She told me she was in an abusive relationship and I ended up moving in with her that day. I spent 3 years with her after that and yeah it was rocky but we made it work. She just left me 2 months ago for the guy she cheated on me with the first time. Honestly is it worth the pain? I was partly to blame for some of our problems as I didn't handle her outbursts well.

I'm still not sure what to do as now her only support group is his friends so if they don't work out she will be back with some reason that she wasn't to blame for the breakup.I'm having a hard time making a choice. I know I would be better of but at the same time I'm irrationally worried about her.

[rapror496]

I dated my ex for about a year. She cheated and left when I couldn't visit her due to a family hospitalization. Those six months were perfect.

She literally showed up on my doorstep 3 years later. She told me she was in an abusive relationship and I ended up moving in with her that day. I spent 3 years with her after that and yeah it was rocky but we made it work. She just left me 2 months ago for the guy she cheated on me with the first time. Honestly is it worth the pain? I was partly to blame for some of our problems as I didn't handle her outbursts well.

I'm still not sure what to do as now her only support group is his friends so if they don't work out she will be back with some reason that she wasn't to blame for the breakup.I'm having a hard time making a choice. I know I would be better of but at the same time I'm irrationally worried about her.

[Samuel S.]

This ex of yours has cheated on you several times and has returned to you several times. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy due to her behavior. You may be worried about her due to your having had feelings for her and knowing how she is, and you know what she does, causing her own problems. Nevertheless, she has shown that she truly does not care about you. She sees you as an easy person to get what she wants whenever she wants. I am sorry if I am being blunt, but from what you have described, I would suggest that you devote yourself to more positive people in your life whom you can trust. As for potentially the next time she comes to your door, it is suggested that you leave it shut for your sake!

[Mike-X]

I certainly can see several reasons leading you to wonder whether it is worth it and for you to be experiencing pain. Based on your comments on feeling partly to blame and on your concern about her health should her renewed relationship not work out, I am wondering if you have had a chance to read about FOG-fear, obligation, and guilt?

for example: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

and there are a number of threads on FOG on the discussion boards

Also, have you had a chance to read about being a caretaker in a relationship? And maybe codependency?  Basically, have you spent time considering who you are/were in the relationship and what needs of yours were being fulfilled and not being fulfilled? (I am struggling with this now, by the way).

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

I appreciated reading your post. Take care.

[maxen]

hi rapror496.

Honestly is it worth the pain?

this is a question you may not be able to answer yet. what do you think you've learned about yourself from all this?

[rapror496]

I have learned that I am definitely codependant. I put up with so much crap because I needed her to need me. I need to put up boundaries. Instead of doing everything for her. I learned that my strength alone is not enough to help her. If it was this wouldn't have happened.

[maxen]

if you want to start work on boundaries we have some resources: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence and Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) are two. the links MikeX gave are also worth a look.

in the year and a half since my wife bolted i've asked myself that question more than once, and the answer has been different depending on my stage of recovery. what she did was inexcusable, but, though i think i could have learned what i've learned about myself another way, here i am, and it's becoming a pretty good place. you may also find that you'll answer your question differently at different times. do you have a plan? a therapist or good friends with whom you can work out a few things?

[rapror496]

I don't really have a plan. I was screwed out of everything I own. She wanted to give me my car and stuff back but whatever she told the New guy made him say I was dangerous and can't have it. I don't have many options either because I put everything in her name because of a bad credit score. I'm currently at a friend's house because she showed up at our place with this guy and made me leave. I would have stood my ground but her stepfather is a highly respected police officer and he would do anything for her.