It's over...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've just moved over from the 'staying' board.  I have been in a relationship with my pwBPD for two and a half years and I've come to to the point when I have decided that I don't want this any more, its over.  I've decided that I need to look after myself and that I can't carry on being willingly used as an emotional punchbag. It's not good for me and its not good for him.  We've both tried and no matter how hard we try it still ends up the same way.  I've realised that I can't and don't want to keep trying.

The thing is that we've separated lots of times before, I can hear the discussion about him collecting/removing his stuff over and over in my head, and then within a few weeks, or sometimes months, we start to talk again and end up back together.  I don't want this though, I really do want it to be over, but how do I let him know this? He's heard it before so won't really believe it.

Even as I'm writing this I'm figuring it out, which often happens.  I suppose I just have got to be consistent, not give in to my feelings.  Hold my boundary firm. Not give him any mixed signals.

I also have got to change my usual pattern, the way I behave when we're apart.  It's all part of the drama for me, the pining and feeling lost and lonely.  The lost and lonely part, that's who I am, I've realised this.  I want it to be who I was though.  I've learned a lot about myself from this experience.  I recreated all my FoO dramas by being in this relationship, have done it before too.  It's time to change all that and I think I'm beginning to see how.  I've got to break this pattern, do something different... . Otherwise I will continue to be in pain a lot, lonely a lot and full of self loathing and fear a lot!  No more!

The first think I'm going to do is to get myself a therapist, someone I can talk this stuff over with.  I always say I'm going to but am still too caught up in the drama to get to it.  

I'm also not going to look for dates with other men on dating sites to distract me from the pain of loss, I'm going to work through it this time, so that I'm not tempted to go back to him.

And I'm not going to run away, which I always do.  Relocating is a major distraction from myself and the situation which will not help me to process my feelings... .

Its a start.

[janey62]

I've just moved over from the 'staying' board.  I have been in a relationship with my pwBPD for two and a half years and I've come to to the point when I have decided that I don't want this any more, its over.  I've decided that I need to look after myself and that I can't carry on being willingly used as an emotional punchbag. It's not good for me and its not good for him.  We've both tried and no matter how hard we try it still ends up the same way.  I've realised that I can't and don't want to keep trying.

The thing is that we've separated lots of times before, I can hear the discussion about him collecting/removing his stuff over and over in my head, and then within a few weeks, or sometimes months, we start to talk again and end up back together.  I don't want this though, I really do want it to be over, but how do I let him know this? He's heard it before so won't really believe it.

Even as I'm writing this I'm figuring it out, which often happens.  I suppose I just have got to be consistent, not give in to my feelings.  Hold my boundary firm. Not give him any mixed signals.

I also have got to change my usual pattern, the way I behave when we're apart.  It's all part of the drama for me, the pining and feeling lost and lonely.  The lost and lonely part, that's who I am, I've realised this.  I want it to be who I was though.  I've learned a lot about myself from this experience.  I recreated all my FoO dramas by being in this relationship, have done it before too.  It's time to change all that and I think I'm beginning to see how.  I've got to break this pattern, do something different... . Otherwise I will continue to be in pain a lot, lonely a lot and full of self loathing and fear a lot!  No more!

The first think I'm going to do is to get myself a therapist, someone I can talk this stuff over with.  I always say I'm going to but am still too caught up in the drama to get to it.  

I'm also not going to look for dates with other men on dating sites to distract me from the pain of loss, I'm going to work through it this time, so that I'm not tempted to go back to him.

And I'm not going to run away, which I always do.  Relocating is a major distraction from myself and the situation which will not help me to process my feelings... .

Its a start.

[FrenchConnection]

I just want to say i agree with you and also encourage you.

My relationship with a pwBPD was not even 1 year but i feel exactly like you described in your post.  And just like you, i am choosing a healthier life for me.

It's a hard decision when you love someone so much.

But i believe there is a better day for you.  And a better day for me.

Here's to better days ahead!

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

My relationship with my ex wife lasted nine years.  My relationship with my uexBPDgf lasted only nine months but the breakup has been so much more traumatic.  These people seem to enmesh themselves in our emotional DNA just like a real virus does with our cellular DNA.  Thankfully this site gave me a big clue on how to overcome the trauma of the breakup.  Complete Radio Silence.  The months ahead will not be easy but the outcome will be freedom and this is very worthwhile.  We are all working through this together. Welcome on board the freedom train.

[itgirl]

welcome to the leaving board.  I have also moved from staying.  It has been now over two months since the breakup and I find myself getting better.  At first I would think of her while I was asleep.  Then when I opened my eyes.  Now some days I managed to only think of her once Im out the the shower.  I am hoping in a couple of months it would days apart. 

She still contacts me every day.  Hate sms of how I did this and that.  In the beginning it was very hurtful.  Now it is sometimes funny.  This disorder in no laughing matter but they do some crazy things.  I am doing no contact.  I do have to still arrange some financial stuff so I keep it totally business. 

The only way to heal is to step out and have no contact.  I didn't block her yet but I am strong and don't pick up the fight.

Off course reading the boards as you know helps.  And writing and keeping yourself busy.

[patientandclear]

Hi Janey  .  I remember your last separation from your H.  I understand why it is/was so hard to give up.  It was for me too.  I gave it a number of chances too, trying different approaches, trying to make myself into a better partner for someone who compulsively pushes anyone close away.  Finally I decided what you're saying here: it's not good for me or for him for me to accommodate what he does.  It's hurtful and harmful and it does him no favors to act like this is OK.  And fundamentally, it's not what I want my life to be like.  We weren't learning and growing together.  We were establishing really toxic patterns of what probably amounts to emotional abuse (on his part).

Welcome (back).  It's going to be hard as you know.  It's good you know this so you won't think those feelings mean it's the wrong decision.

To make it through the really hard passages, it has helped me to think of it as a literal addiction.  When you're addicted, of course the thing you're addicted to seems like the solution to the pain.  And it is -- for a minute.  But then you're right back there.  So making it through the pain is essential, and the pain is good, in a way, not a signal you're on the wrong road.

[janey62]

Thanks all for your support and identification, it so helps... .

Hi patientandclear, it is going to be hard but I'm so sure now that it's not how I want my life to be... .it had become even more toxic, if that's possible, and I felt like a rag doll being emotionally mauled by a rotweiler in the end.  The last straw for me was a bout of text messages in which he attacked my physical appearance and intimate and personal things that we'd had between us.  It kind of died that day.

I think your addiction metaphor is right,  I've often thought it too.  Thanks for your encouraging words... . 

Hey itgirl... .you sound as if you're doing so well and being really strong. 

I'm worried that you let yourself read the hate messages though.  This to me constitutes still letting in her abuse and even though you laugh sometimes, can I suggest that you do the blocking soon... .because you never know when she will hit the mark... .  maybe ask yourself why you read the messages, or even open them?  Could it be that you aren't quite detached yet?  I know it's hard and I'm sure I'll be looking at my ex's messages for a while, but I'm determined to block him the minute he gets nasty... .got a new phone which does it with one touch!

Hi MrConfused, it does seem like the relationship with a pwBPD is particularly hard to leave.  I think for me it is because I saw my perfect match in him, though actually I now realise that it was a projection of all my desires and needs which he reflected back at me.  Not to say there was nothing real in the relationship, because at times there was a connection, I'm sure there was, yet it would disappear as fast as it came and I'd be left gasping at the force of his rage.

And French, good for you for getting yourself out at this point, I so wish I'd stuck to my resolve a year ago when I left him... .good luck with it!  I would encourage you too, to keep reading and revisiting the reasons why you ended it, because as patient said, it is like addiction... .so easy to return to if you allow yourself to weaken (which I'm sure you're already aware of)  .

 

[FrenchConnection]

Good posts!

[clydegriffith]

Welcome aboard.

The relationship with the BPDx lasted a little over two years and in that short time frame she trapped me with a child, cheated on me with about a dozen guys (some of which were my friends) and continously made false Domestic Violence accusations against me that led to me being arrested 4 times in a span of 8 months.

If your situation was anywhere near as volatile as mine or had that potential, you made a wise decision.

[ADecadeLost]

 I've decided that I need to look after myself and that I can't carry on being willingly used as an emotional punchbag.

Good for you, Janey.  Failing to come to that realization caused me to recycle many times during my 10-year relationship with my BPD exWife.  Take care of yourself and spend a lot of time reading these boards.  There's a lot of great information on here (and I know it has been a big help to me the past few months).

[downwhim]

Janey, 8 year relationship, 3 recycles, welcome! Pain is part of the process of healing. I work everyday at to feel better.

Take care of yourself. Your in a safe place on this board with lots of support.

[janey62]

Thanks all for the warm welcome... .

Your support means a lot to me. 

[Infared]

My relationship with my ex wife lasted nine years.  My relationship with my uexBPDgf lasted only nine months but the breakup has been so much more traumatic.  These people seem to enmesh themselves in our emotional DNA just like a real virus does with our cellular DNA.  Thankfully this site gave me a big clue on how to overcome the trauma of the breakup.  Complete Radio Silence.  The months ahead will not be easy but the outcome will be freedom and this is very worthwhile.  We are all working through this together. Welcome on board the freedom train.

Amen.

[itgirl]

Janey - thanks for your feedback.  You are right.  I have to investigate why I still keep on reading the messages.  I am afraid to block her as fear of retaliation.  She knows very personal stuff about me and she has threatened to post the details on facebook.  If I just don't reply to her msg I hope she will get bored and let it be.  However it is escalating.  This morning I had 8 emails and one very nasty sms attacking me from all angles. 

I guess she still has power over me. 

[Infared]

Janey - thanks for your feedback.  You are right.  I have to investigate why I still keep on reading the messages.  I am afraid to block her as fear of retaliation.  She knows very personal stuff about me and she has threatened to post the details on facebook.  If I just don't reply to her msg I hope she will get bored and let it be.  However it is escalating.  This morning I had 8 emails and one very nasty sms attacking me from all angles. 

I guess she still has power over me. 

Complete Radio Silence is the only way to go. Remember... .we can only control what we do... .not what other people do.  You do not need this person's garbage in your life.

Good luck!

[Rifka]

People only have power over us if we hand it to them! People and things can't control us without our permission.

This is a very difficult process that is all about us and our boundaries.

It is about finally figuring out that you deserve better than you have been getting. It's putting your foot down and saying " I've had enough of this abuse".

After the fog and questions fall to the side, it's just about us! Why did we let somebody treat us so abusively, lie, possibly cheat and still make excuses for them. Why did we think that we could change them? Why did we want to fix them? Was it all out of the goodness of our hearts or was it our own need to fill a very empty space in our past that needed to be filled with the wrong person? Why do we need to fix others? Is it easier to focus on somebody else's flaws than our own?

We have all accepted so many horrible behaviors from them for way too long, so why did or do we do that?

All of the answers lie within us.

We all deserve to be loved, but you can't teach somebody with this disorder to love. They already know the outcome of loving. They self destruct! They are professionals who may not truly understand why they do what they do, but have the repeated history to repeat the steps with all new relationships. It will be the same for the next person they find and temporarily fool as the person before you. It's a repeated pattern that is followed each time.

Lots of baby step are needed to go forward for us. There will be many back and forth emotions. The longing for the honeymoon memories that have dragged all of us back under the bus wheels time after time until we had enough. Maybe they bolted for good and you were not given a choice or a last word, but now the ball is in your court.

Rifka

[itgirl]

Thanks infrared. I'm doing Radio silence. I don't post on social media where she can get a peek into my life. No replies.

And great advise rifka. I have re-read your msg a few times   The FOG is lifting. But some days it is as thick as ever. At least I can recognize it now.

[janey62]

I've decided today to have radio silence too... . 

I was being civilised and, though I'd blocked him for a day, I unblocked him because it felt so cold.  Tonight I got a message from him saying, 'good luck with the new job'.  I've taken on a part time bar job as well as my full time day job because I've got into debt because I was too busy being caught up in the drama.  I said 'thanks'.  Then I got a long message asking me for all the money he thinks I owe him back!  I don't owe him anything!  I paid for our Christmas and he is now gloating because he knows I'm broke and having to borrow from friends to get through the month... .

So now I've blocked him and will not be unblocking him.  How many times do I have to be taught this lesson.  He can't be nice, he can only be himself which is sick and needs to hurt me.

Itgirl, you'd be very wise to do the same and I'm glad you have made that decision... .  And sensible too to consider not going onto your social media page - block that too... .We only have to take what we're willing to take.

[janey62]

Ha!  now all I've got to do is stop looking at my phone to see if there are any messages from him!  It really is like an addiction... .         

[Rifka]

Ha!  now all I've got to do is stop looking at my phone to see if there are any messages from him!  It really is like an addiction... .         

They are an addiction. You have formed a trauma bond! It's very hard to pull your mind out of it. Time, N/C, reading about this disorder ( books, and posts here) using the tool provided here and possible therapy with somebody trained on BPD when you are ready is all part of healing the addiction and moving forward! If there are no children and no marraige, no property, total NO CONTACT is your only savior.

[itgirl]

janey- great step to go radio silence. I have de-activated my facebook account just now. She has been sending messages that way. trying to get me to remove pictures, which I see as her just trying to control me.

Janey - don't fall for the money trap. My ex is asking thousands from me now for stupid stuff.   She thinks I must pay for her move out of our house. I don't see the logic since she left me!

Meanwhile she hasn't paid rent in three years.