People seldom see themselves changing

[Kwamina]

When reflecting upon what it means to accept and let go, I often think about this passage from a book by the American author Zora Neale Hurston:

"People seldom see themselves changing. It is like going out in the morning, or in the springtime to pick flowers. You pick and you wander till suddenly you find that the light is gone and the flowers are withered in your hand. Then, you say that you must turn back home. But you have wandered into a place and the gates are closed. There is no more sharp sunlight. Grey meadows are all about you where blooms only the asphodel. You look back through the immutable gates to where the sun still shines on the flowered fields with nostalgic longing, but God pointed men’s toes in one direction. One is surprised by the passage of time and the distance travelled, but one may not go back."

I can see how this passage can be related to the concept of 'radical acceptance' (Marsha Linehan, PhD.):

"There are three parts to radical acceptance. The first part is accepting that reality is what it is.  The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause.  The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it."

... .

"You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason. You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason. And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it. You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life."

Accepting reality for what it is in this case would mean accepting 'the passage of time and the distance travelled' and that 'one may not go back'. For me this means accepting that my childhood was the way it was and that I can't change the past.

Accepting that everything has a cause means accepting that "you have wandered into a place and the gates are closed" because (for whatever reason) "men’s toes" were pointed "in one direction". The reality is that BPD exists and it's also a statistical reality that certain people will end up with this disorder and this will then likely have (serious) consequences for them as well as for the people close to them. My childhood was unpleasant, but given the reality of the world we live in, there was definitely a cause to it being the way it was.

In Greek mythology the asphodel is a plant connected with the underworld. Accepting that life can be worth living, even if really painful events are in your life would then mean to accept and believe that you can move out of the grey meadows into a new life and new environment where other flowers can bloom than "only the asphodel". So here's to new flowers and new surroundings

[Harri]

Kwamina, thank you for this.  Such beautiful and timely words.  Reading this earlier today made me remember that while the world I thought I understood had changed to grey, I will get my colors back. 

In the last two weeks a couple of things have clicked into place thanks to input from people here.  I am not sure yet what it all means or where I am going to end up with it all, but I know I will be better for it in the end.  It is going to require me revisiting the past again, not to change it but to re-examine it given my new understanding.  See, I had the past all figured out (Ha!) but I was lacking information and understanding about a couple of things.  I am not looking forward to re-processing this at all.  I think I have been immersed in the grey for a while and hadn't a clue just how bleak things had become.  My acceptance became defeat and my letting go was actually denial of a few key parts of my past.

Kwamina said: 

In Greek mythology the asphodel is a plant connected with the underworld. Accepting that life can be worth living, even if really painful events are in your life would then mean to accept and believe that you can move out of the grey meadows into a new life and new environment where other flowers can bloom than "only the asphodel". So here's to new flowers and new surroundings

Beautiful.  Thank you.   

[Turkish]

Nice find, especially when mythology is so full of allusions to the worst aspects of the human condition.

"There will always be hope, because it's the one thing that men haven't figured out how to kill yet." I forget where I came across this quote years ago...

We can choose to hope, or we can choose to die a little each day based upon the ghosts of the past, which are dead, but can still haunt us. We have free will to change or not. The power lies within us.

[Kwamina]

Hi Harri

I think I have been immersed in the grey for a while and hadn't a clue just how bleak things had become.

I totally get this! I think this is what the author meant when she wrote "people seldom see themselves changing". It's a gradual process, things didn't go grey all at once but bit by bit, day by day. Until we all of a sudden might get a flashback of how things used to be or our situation gets illuminated by something that makes us look at our world with new eyes. I believe you've come to a point that you're ready and able to look at your past with these new eyes. Good luck on this introspective journey as you reclaim your colors  

My acceptance became defeat and my letting go was actually denial of a few key parts of my past.

Very well put. Time to reclaim your victory then from the hands of defeat!

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish and thanks for sharing this

"There will always be hope, because it's the one thing that men haven't figured out how to kill yet." I forget where I came across this quote years ago...

A lot more positive than Dante's "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"  Also very sobering to think of men as beings who have learned how to kill and destroy everyone and everything around them.  Yet even after all this, hope for a better and brighter tomorrow still remains.

We can choose to hope, or we can choose to die a little each day based upon the ghosts of the past, which are dead, but can still haunt us. We have free will to change or not. The power lies within us.

I totally agree. For many years I was hoping to reach a point of acceptance but I've come to realize more and more that accepting and letting go is more about making an active and deliberate choice to do so yourself. And it remains hard work, there will still be moments that your mind moves to non-acceptance and then you gotta gently nudge yourself back to the path of acceptance.

[polly87]

Thank you Kwamina for sharing this.

I'm busy trying to understand that the pain I'm going through has a cause and the cause is not myself.

[Kwamina]

Thank you Kwamina for sharing this.

I'm busy trying to understand that the pain I'm going through has a cause and the cause is not myself.

You're welcome polly87

Have you seen the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse to the right of this board? Step 5 really applies to what you say here about the cause of your pain: I accept that I was powerless over my abusers' actions which holds THEM responsible. Do you feel like this is something you've been able to fully acknowledge and accept?

You've been through a lot and it wasn't your fault. You weren't the cause of the problem but you are the one who holds the key to the solution. It's a process that can take time, sometimes a lot of time as you re-experience and process everything that has happened to you. And at other times certain things might suddenly fall into place and you all of a sudden feel like you're making rapid strides in your healing.

I am sorry for all the things you've been to but it's great to have you on this board though

[polly87]

I am sorry for all the things you've been to but it's great to have you on this board though

Thanks Kwamina  I've learned so much since I found this board.

Yes, I'm reading the Survivor to Thriver book atm and I'm very obviously at step 5. I find I cannot accept that I was powerless. I'm still so angry about what has been done to me. Paradoxically, if I don't accept I was powerless, I feel guilty. Boy I do feel guilty.

I mentally know I need to accept the reality of having been sexually abused by the person who had complete power over my young self. This is extremely difficult to me, not in the least because that very person taught me not to allow myself to experience any emotion. I'm on a multi-track healing process    

[Kwamina]

Hi again polly87

Yes, I'm reading the Survivor to Thriver book atm and I'm very obviously at step 5. I find I cannot accept that I was powerless. I'm still so angry about what has been done to me. Paradoxically, if I don't accept I was powerless, I feel guilty. Boy I do feel guilty.

I mentally know I need to accept the reality of having been sexually abused by the person who had complete power over my young self. This is extremely difficult to me, not in the least because that very person taught me not to allow myself to experience any emotion. I'm on a multi-track healing process   

Acceptance is hard for many if not all of us here. Are you familiar with the concept of radical acceptance? We have a great article here about it that I think might be helpful to you:

Radical Acceptance --> From Suffering to Freedom: Practicing Reality Acceptance

The beauty or power of radical acceptance is that it helps you transform extraordinary suffering into 'ordinary' pain:

Pain is pain. Suffering, agony, are pain plus non-acceptance.  So if you take pain, add non-acceptance you end up with suffering.  Radical acceptance transforms suffering into ordinary pain.

Here's an excerpt from the article about what it takes to apply 'reality acceptance' skills to your life:

These are the skills of reality acceptance.  It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard.  It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first.  If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it.   So find something small. Practice on that.

The willfulness, notice it.  You could start by counting it. Slowly try to replace it.

Radical acceptance, notice when you are not accepting. You could start with counting it.  Slowly try to replace it.

Turning the mind, write yourself a note. Put it somewhere in your house.  Put it on the refrigerator. All you have to write is 'Turn the Mind'.  Put it up.  Try to practice it. Practice it every time you open the refrigerator.

If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier.

Alright, so those are the skills.

Radical acceptance - remember the word radical - complete, total, all the way.

Turning the mind over and over and over and over.

And willingness - entering life with willingness.

Now, I know that these are really difficult skills.  They, they've been difficult for me.  They are difficult for everybody I know.  And the facts of the matter are, every single person  I know is practicing these skills.

But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful . The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute.  These skills take time to work.  But, if you keep at it, I think they will work.

So I think the conclusion is that acceptance of painful events is hard, there's no denying that. But by applying these so-called 'reality acceptance' skills, it is possible to better manage your pain and reduce your suffering. I hope this information is of some help to you and I'm also very interested to hear your views on the concept of radical acceptance. Take care