Turning a corner

[jhkbuzz]

8 year r/s with a waif BPDgf; 5 months post b/u; 3 months no contact. Incredibly sad but no real urge to contact her anymore.

Our relationship began to fall apart 4 years ago with her infidelities; smaller at first (dates, kissing); full blown affair that ended the relationship. She made the decision to move out.

I've had a really rough week or so; I've chalked it up to having to survive the holidays. Fits of depression, despair - you know the drill.  I woke up this morning feeling the same... .tired of feeling the same... .wondering when these awful feelings would come to an end.

Then, all of a sudden, I don't know why, and I don't know how, but I had the following series of thoughts:

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This is the truth: I wanted her to be a person that she simply wasn’t.  I wanted a partner with a strong sense of herself; a person with a code of ethics; with morals; with values. That isn’t who she was.

This is also the truth: that, although I enjoyed her personality, I no longer wanted her - and she knew it.  I would have never been able to bring myself to touch her again.

And this is my work: I have to finishing mourning that, 8 years ago, for reasons of my own, I made a poor choice.

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I feel more peaceful than I have at any point over the past 5 months.  I feel a bit more like myself again.  I feel like, maybe, I've turned the corner towards taking my life back again.

[Infern0]

You seem to have come to the stage I got to a few weeks ago.

Realising that they just are not capable of the kind of relationship that you want,  and as with me yes I certainly enjoyed her company a lot of the time but I just don't want her anymore and nor do I want the endless drama and suffering in my life. I do sometimes flip flop on this and bargain that I can keep her in my life but the desire to do that is getting lesser every day.

Waifs are the hardest BPD type to let go of in my opinion,  they are self destructive beyond belief and it's so hard to envision anything like a happy ending for them which is incredibly sad.

But keep on the track you are on,  I've come back to life in a big way in the last couple of weeks,  I honestly feel better than I have in such a long time.  When I think of my involvement with her,  from day one she was a pain in the rear end,  endless complaining and being miserable and depressed.  It felt good to break her out of it for a while but in the end she was just not worth the effort.

Breathe the freedom in,  honestly you are so much better off without the BPD waif anchor.