Possible cyber-snooping by BPDex has me feeling "crazy"

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm having a rough day, full of nasty rumination, and just need to process.

My exBPDbf exhibited stalker-type behavior during our r/s. The extent to which he went to keep up with me is impressive - let's just say he'd make a hell of a PI. As far as I know, he's never actively stalked a gf, wife, or ex -- that really doesn't seem like his M.O., anyway -- but I eventually began to put the pieces together that he always kept close tabs on people from his past.

It's human nature to wonder about people we care(d) about, what they're up to. We all get lost in nostalgia sometimes. The extent and effort is what I've found worrisome.

I don't use FB, and I only use my real name on one social media site. He joined that site after the b/u to keep up with me, I found out. This doesn't really bother me, since it's not a site where I'm sharing any personal information, photos, or anything like that. I found out he's been cyber-snooping on some people in my life to try to get information about me. And he asks mutual acquaintances for updates.

What's really got me weirded out and confused right now is that I keep an anonymous blog, that would be incredibly hard for him to find without a lot of digging and effort. I started it after our breakup, and while it's not at all about him or our r/s, I have said a couple of times that I'm healing from a breakup with a disordered person. (I've never gone into detail, or given any identifying information, or insulted him.) I've recently had a couple of anonymous communications that have the disturbing feeling of "his handiwork" - first supportive and nice, then not so much. There was nothing definite to indicate that it was him, so it's entirely possible I'm just triggered and being paranoid... .but I can't help it, I feel scared and guilty and sad.

The scared and sad I can understand. The guilty feeling is what's getting to me. No, I was far from perfect in our r/s. I realize with stark clarity the role I played and what I did. But I love him, and I know it's hell inside his head, and I don't want to hurt him. And yes, I don't want him to hate me or be mad at me, as utterly stupid as I know that is. Even though I already knew I wasn't fully detached, being faced with this sobering reality has me feeling shaken, too.

Like I said, there's really no way to know if it was him. I haven't heard from him in over a month, and I'm not going to contact him. The uncertainty is no doubt a big reason why this is affecting me so much. I have to try to keep myself from going down the rabbit-hole of speculation and game-playing, because it's a pointless exercise. But that's easier said than done. This certainly fits his M.O. -- I'm reminded of all the times during the r/s when I realized I was involved in a game I had no idea was going on. Everything has to be sneaky and gamey and under the surface. I don't think there was ever a point at which I truly knew where I stood with him -- maybe for a few brief periods at a time, until the rug got pulled out from under me again.

And this just brings all of it flooding back, and once again I am in that desperate place of not wanting to ever upset his applecart.

I deleted the posts that mentioned him and didn't respond to the communications. I feel like I've done all I can do. I just wish I didn't feel so bad... .

[HappyNihilist]

I'm having a rough day, full of nasty rumination, and just need to process.

My exBPDbf exhibited stalker-type behavior during our r/s. The extent to which he went to keep up with me is impressive - let's just say he'd make a hell of a PI. As far as I know, he's never actively stalked a gf, wife, or ex -- that really doesn't seem like his M.O., anyway -- but I eventually began to put the pieces together that he always kept close tabs on people from his past.

It's human nature to wonder about people we care(d) about, what they're up to. We all get lost in nostalgia sometimes. The extent and effort is what I've found worrisome.

I don't use FB, and I only use my real name on one social media site. He joined that site after the b/u to keep up with me, I found out. This doesn't really bother me, since it's not a site where I'm sharing any personal information, photos, or anything like that. I found out he's been cyber-snooping on some people in my life to try to get information about me. And he asks mutual acquaintances for updates.

What's really got me weirded out and confused right now is that I keep an anonymous blog, that would be incredibly hard for him to find without a lot of digging and effort. I started it after our breakup, and while it's not at all about him or our r/s, I have said a couple of times that I'm healing from a breakup with a disordered person. (I've never gone into detail, or given any identifying information, or insulted him.) I've recently had a couple of anonymous communications that have the disturbing feeling of "his handiwork" - first supportive and nice, then not so much. There was nothing definite to indicate that it was him, so it's entirely possible I'm just triggered and being paranoid... .but I can't help it, I feel scared and guilty and sad.

The scared and sad I can understand. The guilty feeling is what's getting to me. No, I was far from perfect in our r/s. I realize with stark clarity the role I played and what I did. But I love him, and I know it's hell inside his head, and I don't want to hurt him. And yes, I don't want him to hate me or be mad at me, as utterly stupid as I know that is. Even though I already knew I wasn't fully detached, being faced with this sobering reality has me feeling shaken, too.

Like I said, there's really no way to know if it was him. I haven't heard from him in over a month, and I'm not going to contact him. The uncertainty is no doubt a big reason why this is affecting me so much. I have to try to keep myself from going down the rabbit-hole of speculation and game-playing, because it's a pointless exercise. But that's easier said than done. This certainly fits his M.O. -- I'm reminded of all the times during the r/s when I realized I was involved in a game I had no idea was going on. Everything has to be sneaky and gamey and under the surface. I don't think there was ever a point at which I truly knew where I stood with him -- maybe for a few brief periods at a time, until the rug got pulled out from under me again.

And this just brings all of it flooding back, and once again I am in that desperate place of not wanting to ever upset his applecart.

I deleted the posts that mentioned him and didn't respond to the communications. I feel like I've done all I can do. I just wish I didn't feel so bad... .

[Mutt]

Hi HappyNihilist,

I'd listen to your intuition. An anonymous blog, with your name and his MO. How many know of the anonymous blog?

What makes you feel bad? Is it the connection with the posts and deleting another detail of your ex in your life?

[HappyNihilist]

I'd listen to your intuition. An anonymous blog, with your name and his MO. How many know of the anonymous blog?

No one in my real life knows about the blog. And, knowing his tendencies, I was very paranoid when setting it up -- using an anonymous free platform, throwaway email to sign up, etc. However, it's on a subject that we're both interested in, and if he was industrious and determined enough, there is a possibility that he could have found it and figured out it was me. (I'm a writer and he knows my writing style.)

My intuition is usually right when it comes to him, but of course it's not 100%. I'm not discounting the very real possibility that I'm just triggered and paranoid. In any case, I can't do anything about what's already been done.

What makes you feel bad? Is it the connection with the posts and deleting another detail of your ex in your life?

I feel bad for several reasons. I'm scared because I don't know if it is him, and because now I'm wondering if he will always find me somehow... .if I can't have these sort of outlets, no matter how hard I try to be anonymous.

I feel bad because I referred to him as disordered. It doesn't matter that he knows he is. During the r/s, anything I said that could have been implied as negative (i.e., everything, from his POV) towards his mental health would always prompt a rage or withdrawal from him -- even if he was the one who brought the subject up to begin with. I know it hurts him. I know it would hurt me, if someone referred to me as disordered, even if I was. I don't want to hurt anyone. And I love him, despite it all, so I especially don't want to hurt him. It doesn't matter that he's hurt me. We both hurt each other, and I just want it to stop. The only person I can control is myself, and I feel like I didn't exercise the best judgment in saying something like that, even on an anonymous platform. (And not a support group platform, like these boards.)

I feel bad because I can't stand the thought of him being mad at me, and I know that's ridiculous, so that makes me feel even worse. I was always such a good compliant girl... .the idea of him being upset at me or hurt by me or disappointed in me has always killed me and it still does. I shouldn't base any of my self-worth on how "great" I was at keeping a disordered person "happy." But I do.

Thank you, Mutt. I needed to get this out. 

[Mutt]

You have much compassion and empathy. Don't be hard on yourself  Sometimes we all regret the things we say. You took the posts down.

Sure some things may of hurt him. What also hurts him is his abandonment trauma.

It's not your fault.

[paperlung]

I can relate. There is this message board that a visit and post frequently at. My ex was aware of it. What I wasn't aware of, however, was that she knew my username! So after we broke up and went NC, I would sometimes bring her up in threads that I could relate to. In one of my post I even used the word "rotten human being" to describe her.

A year later we start texting (very LC) and she says to me, "There was one night I saw your post on the forum and you said something about your ex being a rotten human being so I felt i wanted to ask... Cause sometimes people just talk to them out of sympathy or... I don't know."

And by saw, I know she means searched through my post history. I know for fact she was keeping tabs on me even while being in another relationship, living with the person.

Hell, just last week when I went to her place to visit her I mentioned how I was going to go on a snowboarding trip this February (something I also did last year around the same time) and I had mentioned the trip last year I was about to on on the same forum, saying something like "Gonna go shredding this weekend up at X mountain and get yucky with the boys" Yucky meaning drink a lot. When I told her I was going again this February she said "Gonna get yucky"? She obviously remembered what I had said in my old forum post.

But you know what? Screw her. I'm not going to stop posting there or make a new account just because she internet stalks me. Why should I?

[HappyNihilist]

You have much compassion and empathy. Don't be hard on yourself  Sometimes we all regret the things we say. You took the posts down.

Sure some things may of hurt him. What also hurts him is his abandonment trauma.

It's not your fault.

Thank you so much.  

I truly don't want to hurt him. It kills me to think I could have, to think of ways I hurt him over the course of the r/s. While I realistically understand that I have no control over his abandonment trauma... .and I know how counterproductive it is getting stuck on things I did that I can't change... .I still do it, and it still makes me feel bad.

I'm prone to being hard on myself. I've been slowly getting better over the years, but my r/s with him triggered those deep wounds that caused it in the first place. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed by these deep, painful worries when it comes to him.

Yes, that is my own transference. pwBPD certainly aren't the only ones who do it (they just do it consistently and repeatedly). My mother is what I like to call "emotionally high maintenance." She also has boundary issues. I grew up with her constantly snooping in my room, reading my diary, and using my outlets and things I tried to keep private against me. Once, when I was 17-18, I found a note in her nightstand drawer. It was something I'd written when I was 12 or so, in my diary, when I was mad at her - it was a very hurtful statement. She'd found that and secretly kept it, always close at hand, for years.

I tore it up and threw it away.

He knows all of this, of course. I'm open and friendly in a lot of ways, but I'm also an obsessively private person. He always made a big show of "respecting my privacy" when we were together, not asking to look at my phone or anything like that. (I actually told him he could, whenever he wanted to, and he knew what a big thing that was for me, given my history. I was completely open to him.)

So... .this brings up a lot of those old feelings. Among other things.

And by saw, I know she means searched through my post history. I know for fact she was keeping tabs on me even while being in another relationship, living with the person.

Hell, just last week when I went to her place to visit her I mentioned how I was going to go on a snowboarding trip this February (something I also did last year around the same time) and I had mentioned the trip last year I was about to on on the same forum, saying something like "Gonna go shredding this weekend up at X mountain and get yucky with the boys" Yucky meaning drink a lot. When I told her I was going again this February she said "Gonna get yucky"? She obviously remembered what I had said in my old forum post.

Oh my, isn't that creepy? I shuddered just thinking of him doing something like that - but it sounds just like him - studying me, remembering everything, getting triggered, assigning deeper or distorted meaning to even the smallest details. I hate feeling that raw and exposed. It was one thing when we were in a r/s -- but I feel sick at the idea he may "study" me for the rest of my life.

But you know what? Screw her. I'm not going to stop posting there or make a new account just because she internet stalks me. Why should I?

I don't blame you, paperlung! We have to live our lives. You sound like you're in a good place with this aspect.

My problem right now is that I realize just how terrible I feel when I think he's "watching" me, how much it triggers me, how quickly it sends me into a spiral of rumination into some very bad mental places. And... .like anyone does when in emotional turmoil and pain... .I just want it to stop, dammit. Apart from dealing with the situation at hand, I'm trying to figure out how best to keep it from happening again. My blog became a helpful outlet for me, and I enjoy it, but I'm not sure I can take the idea of him studying everything I say. Even if I'm wrong and just being paranoid, and he hasn't found the blog... .now it feels tainted with that idea.

It feels like when I used to have to write in "code" to myself in my own diary because I knew my mother would always find it and read it.

So... .there's the remorse over possibly hurting someone I do love and want to be happy... .the paranoid creepy worry about being found and watched forever... .the deep FOO wounds being stirred up... .it's no fun in my head right now.

[Pingo]

HappyNihilist, I'm sorry for what you are experiencing and I'm sorry for what your Mother did, snooping through your stuff.  That is terrible, never having a safe place where you can just express yourself without fear of someone invading your privacy.  And what a terrible feeling to think your ex might be studying you.  That is very unsettling.

I know what it feels like to be paranoid.  Mine did invade my privacy time and again.  I left my phone unlocked, telling him I had nothing to hide.  He got up one morning very early and read my texts and then took something out of context and twisted it to make me look like I was hiding something, being untruthful.  This was our first big fight and the first time I was blind sided by his rage.  I was always truthful and open with him.  This was the beginning of him never allowing me privacy.  He read my journals, he read my texts, he looked at my computer history, he drove by my friend's house when I was visiting, he showed up at my work unannounced to 'surprise' me.  When we split I was super paranoid that he had bugged the house.  I opened every outlet and light switch looking for a bug that would be powered by the hardwires.  I worried he might be hacking my email or computer.  I researched how one would do this, trying to protect myself.  I still sometimes wonder if he has a tracker on my car, since he conveniently lost my car key when we broke up.  I even sometimes get nervous when a newbie comes on here as I never know if he has somehow found me on here. 

But slowly with time this paranoia is leaving.  I've decided if he is tracking me, so be it.  I will live my life.  I lived like a prisoner for 4 years in many ways when we were together, I won't live like that for another day.

You referring to him as 'disordered' in your blog isn't an insult.  He is disordered.  Just because he might not want to admit to it or look at the possibility, that doesn't mean it isn't true.  It is a fact.  I realise there is a stigma to mental disorders and illness but your experience was valid and your expression of your feelings are valid.  I don't think you should censor yourself in the worries he might be upset.  I've been REALLY upset for the last 7 months since my BU.  That pain and upset has motivated me to make major changes in my life.  Protecting others' feelings at the expense of the truth isn't doing anyone any favours.  Just my humble opinion of course.

You are very eloquent in your writing, you always have such encouraging words to say to the members on here and you express yourself in a way that is easy to understand and inspiring!  I hope you don't stop writing because of him, that would be a real shame for such a good writer!

[Mutt]

I understand. It's transference with your mother snooping and finding your diary notes and the internet posts. It triggers an invasion of privacy? Is that being paranoid or a trigger?

Your mom shouldn't of been looking around your private things.