Did u think your exBPD gf would have ever cheated on you?

[Splitblack4good]

Just curious to know if any of you thought your exBPD gf would have ever cheated on you?

No, and I don't believe she ever did.  For one, she did not keep in close contact with her exes the way many have mentioned their BPD exes did.  All were painted black and of no interest to her.  Just "horrible men" who "wronged her" in one way or another.  Beyond that, she was pretty scarred by her father's constant cheating on her mother (including his poorly kept secret that he had an illegitimate child in another country).  

My ex BPDgf told me the same thing about her exes she always said she was scared of 2 of them ! And they had wronged her etc but still she cheated with the one that she spoke the worst of ! They are good at telling you what you want to hear !

[hergestridge]

In response to eyvindrs story:

My wife also wanted me to check out other women - when it suited her. When she was in a good/sexual mood she used to say she was bisexual and wanted to hear what I thought of other women. This backfired horribly a few days later when she was back in a bad mood, because then she was straight and jealous.

The problem was that whole world changed with her feelings - including her sexuality and moral standards.

[eyvindr]

hergestridge --

This is the kind of stuff that makes this illness so bizarre -- how similar their behaviors are! --

In response to eyvindrs story:

My wife also wanted me to check out other women - when it suited her. When she was in a good/sexual mood she used to say she was bisexual and wanted to hear what I thought of other women. This backfired horribly a few days later when she was back in a bad mood, because then she was straight and jealous.

The problem was that whole world changed with her feelings - including her sexuality and moral standards.

If I didn't know any better, it would be hard to not really think we were talking about the same person. After all, what would the probability be for more than one person to behave this way? Well, of course, for a pwBPD, it's pretty par for the course.

My ex from very early in our r-ship said, almost like a confession, that she considered herself to be gay as opposed to bisexual. I know some people are kind of sexually ambivalent -- heteroflexible, I think (?) is the word for it. Maybe. She insisted that she was gay, though the behaviors she described to me sounded decidedly bi, as definitions go. The way she explained it, she tried to say that, except for me, she would only be interested in women. Was this true? Who knows. Did I ever really believe this? -- no, largely because we were together (and she definitely wasn't sexually indifferent with me... .), and she'd been married twice before, as well as had numerous BFs throughout her life. And GFs, according to her. But from what she shared with me, despite claiming to be gay, her romantic liaisons were weighted much more on the hetero side.

I have to think that, at some point, she suffered from some form of sexual abuse. It's the only thing that really fits, and the literature indicates that there's a huge correlation between PDs like BPD and DID with sexual abuse. She vehemently denied this, which also fits with the illness and it's roots in shame. I want to believe that she was never a victim, of course, I want to believe that she's being truthful -- bu one has to wonder. And it's possible that the incident, if there was one, was so traumatic that she has completely suppressed the memory of it. But, if there was an incident, I would tend to believe that she hasn't suppressed it -- her mind is too good. More like denial.

I think her claims of being gay-except-for-me were intended to give me some false sense of security that I'd never have to worry about her being unfaithful (which I generally don't, unless I have reason to -- I'm real low on the insanely jealous spectrum) -- and to reinforce the wow-we're-such-100%-soulmates magical thinking/idealization thing. That said, I could easily envision her going through phases -- for instance, after a painful hetero break-up, it wouldn't be a stretch to imagine her embracing her anger to the extent that she would extend it to all men and, as such, would have to shift to having exclusive relationships with women. Which is also interesting, because, though she did talk about a few such gay r-ships that she had -- unlike her past r-ships with men, she never indicated that even one of them was anything more than "dating" -- which is a huge language thing for her. For instance, we were committed -- but we weren't married, engaged or living together yet. But if I ever used the word "dating" in any conversation -- like, "I've never enjoyed dating anyone as much as you, honey!" -- hoo boy -- you could almost see the words before she said them, "Wait -- so, you're telling me that we're just dating? I thought we were in a committed relationship." 

In the end, it was just one more of those disappointing things where your partner leads you to believe that they're having fun, and then one day you're at a party, and you comment on the definition of someone's calves, and instead of saying, "yeah, wow!" they say, "I'm sorry my calves aren't muscular enough for you. Why were you looking at her legs, anyway? You hurt my feelings. And, besides, it's pretty rude."   

[jhkbuzz]

It came as a complete shock after 17 years.

It was also beyond what I could tolerate, which changed our relationship dymanic for good. This in turn made put so much pressure on my exwife that she came in touch with psychiatry and got a serious evaluation and diagnosis for the first time.

Basically, I would put up with anything but THAT and she crossed the line.

Agreed - it killed the relationship for me. My head tried to talk me out of it... .I wanted to (and did) keep trying... .but it's one of the few times in my life that my heart has completely and authoritatively overruled my head. It's been 8 months since I learned of the affair and I still feel the same way.  I don't say this in anger - it's just something new I've  learned about myself. If you're in a committed relationship with me and decide to ___ someone else, I'm totally and unequivocally done.

And no - I would have never, ever imagined she was capable of it.

Now that I'm 5 months out of the r/s and the FOG is lifting, I understand that I projected my values onto her.  The truth is that I am incapable of it - not her. 

[eyvindr]

Basically, I would put up with anything but THAT and she crossed the line.

Agreed - it killed the relationship for me... .I don't say this in anger - it's just something new I've  learned about myself. If you're in a committed relationship with me and decide to ___ someone else, I'm totally and unequivocally done.

Totally on the same page with both of you guys. Been cheated on, and it's a deal-breaker for me, too. One and done.

[iluminati]

Yes, if only because I think anyone cheat with the proper motivation and situation.  But I didn't think of my ex as particularly disloyal.

[Pingo]

Now that I'm 5 months out of the r/s and the FOG is lifting, I understand that I projected my values onto her.  The truth is that I am incapable of it - not her. 

That is so true, that's what I've come to realise also! About everything, not just infidelity.

I don't know if mine cheated while we were together.  I assume not bc he wasn't away from me that much to cheat accept for a few trips he took without me.  But looking back, who knows and I don't even care anymore as it doesn't affect me now 7 mths out. 

When we broke up the first time he moved out and then about a month later he moved out of province to his brother's.  He returned a month after that and we recycled.  When we split the second time he was gone immediately.  I assumed he was staying with his friend.  A couple of weeks later his brother's wife informed me that no, he was staying with his ex gf!  And not only that, he stayed with her the first time we split and he never told me any of this.  I was dumbfounded!  It made me realise just how little I knew about him.  If he was capable of lying to me about that then who knows what else.

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, if only because I think anyone cheat with the proper motivation and situation.  But I didn't think of my ex as particularly disloyal.

I was in the perfect storm of the "proper motivation and situation" - and I still didn't cheat.  It was more important to me to remain a person of integrity who could still look at myself in the mirror with pride - way more important than 'getting off' or engaging in a 'revenge ___'.

Guess I don't agree with you... .

[billypilgrim]

Now that I'm 5 months out of the r/s and the FOG is lifting, I understand that I projected my values onto her.  The truth is that I am incapable of it - not her. 

Well said.  I never thought she was capable.  Despite her telling me she cheated on basically everyone she had been with prior.  I'm sure she did.  Leopards don't change their spots, especially ones with BPD. 

[jhkbuzz]

Now that I'm 5 months out of the r/s and the FOG is lifting, I understand that I projected my values onto her.  The truth is that I am incapable of it - not her. 

That is so true, that's what I've come to realize also! About everything, not just infidelity.

I don't know if mine cheated while we were together.  I assume not bc he wasn't away from me that much to cheat accept for a few trips he took without me.  But looking back, who knows and I don't even care anymore as it doesn't affect me now 7 mths out. 

When we broke up the first time he moved out and then about a month later he moved out of province to his brother's.  He returned a month after that and we recycled.  When we split the second time he was gone immediately.  I assumed he was staying with his friend.  A couple of weeks later his brother's wife informed me that no, he was staying with his ex gf!  And not only that, he stayed with her the first time we split and he never told me any of this.  I was dumbfounded!  It made me realise just how little I knew about him.  If he was capable of lying to me about that then who knows what else.

My exBPDgf and I lived together and spent a ton of time together - that's no insurance at all.  She went on several dates with someone we (yes, "we" worked with - when she had, in the past, described him as kind of gross (and probably disease ridden).  She made out with her dance instructor when I knew she was taking lessons - and used to talk about how weird he was, to top it all off. She had a full blown affair with someone she worked with - and their trysts occurred between the time she finished with work and had a few hours of free time before an evening meeting.

Even as we were trying to work things out after I found out about her affair, she told me at one point in an email that that she was "so hoping to take this journey with me" - in other words, that we would be able to work things out.  But I found out later that she had created a meetup.com profile exactly 11 days prior, and her interests include "speed dating" and "dating and relationships."

You never, ever know.

I've been thinking a lot about how I projected my values onto her.  That's my fault - I made lots of assumptions in the first few months of our relationship because a) I enjoyed the idealization I was receiving, and b) I was unhappy (for a number of reasons) at that point in my life.  The kind of projection I engaged in enabled me to give myself the "green light" in moving forward with the relationship - but it cost me dearly in terms of lost time and peace of mind.

I am hoping to identify all of the parts of the relationship that were my responsibility before I get involved with anyone else.

[SSJ0603]

Never in a million years... .well in hindsight, maybe. I always thought that her character was so strong that she would never stoop to something like that. But hindsight tells me that may not have been the case. I can look back to events and circumstances that make me question that line of thought now, and it makes me very sad to think so.  :'(

I was always 100% committed and faithful to her in action, even though it's sometimes hard not to look and fantasize about other women, as hard as I tried not to, always diverting the gaze when a scantily clad or attractive woman is around or in pictures, advertising, etc. And not participating with my coworkers ogling woman in whatever form they did or whatever media it presented itself in. I know that's part of the human condition, though, for men and women alike. I acknowledged that I was sure that was the case for her, as well, as it has to be for everyone, but since we were so committed to each other and loved each other so much (so I thought), I never in the world would've thought she would act on any of it. I thought our relationship was extremely special and "different" than what most of our society seems to settle for these days. Our particular faith that we share teaches that it's wrong and she was always talking about honesty and how strongly she followed what our faith professes.

[milo1967]

One of my running "jokes" through our marriage was that if XW ever left me for someone else, she will have lost her mind. We would agree and laugh over the absurdity of the very idea. This was because we were so in love... .Stupid me. In hindsight, this was the pattern of all her relationships prior to me: fall in love with boyfriend, meet another, cheat on boyfriend with new one, leave him... .Again and again. Never without a boyfriend, never alone. Overlapping relationship syndrome. I just lasted the longest because we had children. Oh, and I do believe her mind has always been lost. I just chose not to see it.

[peace28]

totally agree with jhkbuzz on his post.  When you live by values in a committed relationship, you don't cheat on your SO, no matter what the circumstances may be. 

[Mutt]

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[ADecadeLost]

Just curious to know if any of you thought your exBPD gf would have ever cheated on you?

No, and I don't believe she ever did.  For one, she did not keep in close contact with her exes the way many have mentioned their BPD exes did.  All were painted black and of no interest to her.  Just "horrible men" who "wronged her" in one way or another.  Beyond that, she was pretty scarred by her father's constant cheating on her mother (including his poorly kept secret that he had an illegitimate child in another country).  

My ex BPDgf told me the same thing about her exes she always said she was scared of 2 of them ! And they had wronged her etc but still she cheated with the one that she spoke the worst of ! They are good at telling you what you want to hear !

They are good at telling us what we want to hear, but I'm still not worried about cheating in my case.  The only one of her exes who even lived in the same country as we did (1500 miles away) finally came out of the closet after a year of dating her.  The others were all married living in Europe or Central America.  Her only friends where we lived were my friends, and she only interacted with them when I was around.  No real options for her to cheat.

[nowwhatz]

I'm glad you weren't cheated on, nowwhatz -- it's a terrible thing to deal with. (My ex wife and my ex fiancee both cheated on me, and the betrayal is awful.)

No. If nothing else while in the r/s (whether it be a 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or 1 year r/s) she would not cheat.  She was victimized by 2 ex husbands who cheated on her badly.

Although I have never cheated on any gf or wife I believe had I married this BPDgf or stay in a permanent r/s with her I probably would have cheated on her to escape her negativity and ultimately her.

This is a radical change to my value system but I feel like I would have cheated to survive.

That last line there -- that's something to meditate on. It was one of the reasons I finally decided to leave my ex -- feeling like the pressures of trying to sustain a relationship were turning me into someone I didn't want to be. I'd become increasingly impatient with the double standards, the demands, the accusations, constantly being treated in ways that made me feel like a failure as a partner and a jackass as a person -- neither of which is accurate, nor how I or anyone else in my life (friends, family, colleagues) sees me. Arguments escalated quickly, and little repeatedly annoying things that I used to be able to blow off earlier in our relationship now immediately irritated me. Sick of all the demands, I began making some of my own. Exhausted by the mistreatment, I stopped trying myself. It was all just spiraling -- yet she refused to accept that we should consider breaking up. For whatever reason, to her, continual conflict, negativity and bickering were something you lived with if you loved your partner. And according to her, all or most of the negativity could be eliminated if I would just lighten up and stop sweating the small stuff. In other words -- just accept her as she is and celebrate her wacky approach to life, regardless of whether or not it worked for me. Because that's what you do when you love someone, she'd lecture -- and that was what she was doing with me, she'd tell me.

We shouldn't need to change who we are to have a good relationship, let alone turn into someone we don't want to be.

Eyvindr my first ex-wife cheated on me. It was horrible.

What you said in your last two paragraphs is powerful stuff.  I have turned into something I don't want to be due to this r/s.