Did you try to be friends with your ex afterwards? How did it work out?

[paperlung]

I'm curious.

[Pingo]

Nope, I hope I never have to see him again.  It would be completely impossible to have any kind of friendship, he's too unstable for a r/s why would I want him as a friend? 

[Infern0]

Yeah I did.

I'm yet to hear an account of it going well,  but I'll share my experience.

So when we broke up her behaviour was incredibly confusing.  She barely talked to me for a month before announcing a replacement and blaming me for not putting enough effort into the relationship.  She was telling me she still loved me and we could "try again later" etc.  She tried to friendzone me which I repeatedly declined until she split me black.

I went NC and figured out she was a BPD waif (later confirmed).

During my studying on BPD I developed a concern for her health and quality of life,  as well as if I'm honest a slight hope that maybe if she got help there was a chance we could have the life together we had talked about.

Anyway after a while she contacted me and we had a talk and agreed to leave the past behind and be civil.

She begun to text me more and more until eventually I was hearing how depressed she was and she asked me if I could help her get treatment which I agreed to.

She never went to therapy though and the lines of our "friendship" got progressively more blurred until she was cheating on my replacement with me.

After a while I realized that the situation was so messed up and gave up hope of anything good coming from it. She started to sense my emotional detachment and tried all sort of mind games and tricks to draw me back in.

Eventually I had to go NC because I realized she is poisonous.

I have heard from her since with various tales of woe,  it doesn't matter what I say she always comes back.  I don't let it get to me now. Nobody can help her.

[merlin4926]

I did - it didn't go well!

[Infern0]

I did - it didn't go well!

Pretty much anyone who you ask this question,  this is the standard answer.

[paperlung]

I did - it didn't go well!

Pretty much anyone who you ask this question,  this is the standard answer.

I'm so glad I didn't get too involved with mine. I was walking a slippery slope the past few weeks. I know it would've just ended badly for me. I'm still sad I had to cut her out again, though. I hope things work out for her.

[patientandclear]

I did.  Chronicled in a bunch of posts from Aug 2012-Dec 2013.  He called it a friendship but that became a convenient way to have a super intimate relationship but avoid any commitment or responsibility to it.  He could take it or he could leave it.  He took it, a lot of it.  Until one day it got a little too intense, scary etc., and then he left it, and then found it offensive that I had any problem with that.

It's a framework for very unequal terms, where you've signed an agreement from the outset that you aren't going to complain or expect more.

One of the members here, Conundrum, has written a bunch about how you simply cannot have a possessory interest in someone wBPD.  You basically have to let them come and go as they please, and adjust what you are willing to do based on the understanding that there will not "stay."  I find that that doesn't work for me, not for someone as important to me as this person acted like he wanted to be.

[Infern0]

The other problem is if you get a new boyfriend or girlfriend your "friend" BPD ex will go full retard on your ass.

[duckie131321]

I have BPD, and I seriously think my ex had it as well after reading everyone's post.  But anyway in my experience NO it doesn't go well.  Personally I don't have the lashing out, like saying things I don't mean, abandon before I am abandoned traits, and I've never turned violent.  Now I am guilty of some cyber/FB stalking, and I can explain that.  See out break was never just clean, cut, straight to NC.  She continued to lead me on, even though I told her if we are going to be friends, then we need some boundaries so I'll know not to cross them.  She refused, said if we set them we wont get back together.  Ok so I tell her I miss her, and she said uhm that's inappropriate.  WHAT? That's what the boundaries were meant for.  I asked for some time away, closure, and she tells me how I was full of it when it comes to unconditional love.  BPD some people cling, especially if that person saved them and I think we are both that way, but see now she had someone new and I am black.  Over the course of a couple of days she's all like I love you so much, to not really communicating with me, and I am slowly painting her black, although deep inside a will always love her, at least a part of me.    So if you're gonna be friends with an ex and they are anything like me, set your boundaries with them, hopefully they can respect them.  Don't lead em on because if you were their super hero, they will cling to every nice thing you say, I miss you can quickly blur that line, you may mean it as a friend, but I mean when my ex said that to I got all type of feelings regardless of how she meant it.  Oh and I made the mistake of asking how it was meant... .WW3! 

Not all BPD's are as bad as some may have experienced.  The worst this BPD has done, is occasionally when something changes in a relationship,  maybe there is less affection, less attention, I will start doubting, freak out and nag about what's wrong, and maybe ask if she's cheating.  If I can find a girl who will just sit me down and say calm the f down, reassure me, and can deal with that once in a while, then I will marry her in a heart beat.  Yeah see my freak outs don't come from out of the blue, usually they're triggered, might be a minor action but eh.  Not what I was getting at... .as some one else said about BPD ex's going full "retard" on your ass when you find someone new... .not even the case here. Two sides to me. I wish her the best and want her to be happy, and I accept I could never do that.  The part that paints her black... .screams she is someone else's problem now cos I admit I am hard to deal with, but she was no angel either.  Take bets on how long it will be for her to cheat on this new girl, or before she abuses her verbal or physical.  Nothing bad about that hehe. 

A little more than what you asked but as someone with BPD, who tried to be friends with an ex... .this was my experience.  Its a bad idea especially if there are still feelings there.

[SlyQQ]

No I didnt an we had an extremely bad break up Avo s death threats framing attempts ( by her ) and more We now see each other off an on as we swap over our son an I talk to her about her daughters who I care for ( one is very troubled to ) while not friends we are amicable an share some common goals which we co-operate an help each other to achieve so though not friends we are by no means enemies an all the children are much the better for it

[misty_red]

Yup, I tried that. Not a good idea. Made everything worse and brought out the whole BPDabuse... .When we were in the relationship I "only" got the silent treatment but just right after I broke up with her it felt like she turned crueler and crueler. I never saw her merciless like that in our relationship.

First we had a friends with benefits going on. Sometimes she told me she was through with it, never wanted it again only to "seduce" me right after that. At some point the triangulation with some gay guy started - so weird.

She always told me I was the most important person in her life and she'd never let go of me only to discard me just two days after that.

So in my experience the friendship made everything worse. I would not recomment it. Be glad it's over. It'll be difficult to get them out of your life anyway, don't make it harder for yourself. In the end you have to let go of them anyway so better start right now.

[Infared]

Hmmm interesting... .

My self esteem would not allow me to interact on any with someone who told lie after lie after lie. Why would I want that in my life?... .on any level... .?

In contrast... .I did date someone after for about 9 months some time after my BPD ordeal and I broke that off (legit reasons) and after some time went by we have become friends. (With no agendas). The difference was one person conducted themselves like a truant 7th grader and one person acted like an adult which allowed for meaningful, honest  and sincere communication. When that is happening, anything is possible.

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm somewhat trying it now. Well, not being friends, but being friendly, as we have the same group of friends.

I was at the same party on New Years Eve and every once in a blue moon we have contact on whatsapp.

Is it working out? Not really. She is very distant, only talks when I talk. And it hurts when someone that loved you so much is so distand now.

Not my cup of tea.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

I tried as we have a son together.

However, she did not look very comfortable when I was around her, acting like a moody teenager. Also, she was still lying to me and treated me with little respect, hence I gave up, only dealing solely regarding my son and treat her with the contempt she deserves.

You would have thought I was the one who cheated on her!

[Tater tot]

Yes I did, and didn't go well. Patientandclear/Conundrum hit the nail on the head... .

One of the members here, Conundrum, has written a bunch about how you simply cannot have a possessory interest in someone wBPD.  You basically have to let them come and go as they please, and adjust what you are willing to do based on the understanding that there will not "stay."  I find that that doesn't work for me, not for someone as important to me as this person acted like he wanted to be.

Brillant and so true. They come and go as they please and you have to either settle for "their" version of friendship, or cut ties completely realizing that you will never have a healthy relationship of any kind with them.

[Infared]

I tried as we have a son together.

However, she did not look very comfortable when I was around her, acting like a moody teenager. Also, she was still lying to me and treated me with little respect, hence I gave up, only dealing solely regarding my son and treat her with the contempt she deserves.

You would have thought I was the one who cheated on her!

Well with a child involved there is incentive to be civil (because you are not mentally ill)... but I think that is all but lost on the extremely self-centered BPD.

I had no child but I lived with mine for 5 years, she cheated on me and treated me like I had run off with an 18yr-old. Tough to take when you are in the emotional pain of an outright betrayal and abandonment.

You've got it right... .just direct all that energy toward your son... .

Wish you the best.

[fromheeltoheal]

One of the members here, Conundrum, has written a bunch about how you simply cannot have a possessory interest in someone wBPD.  You basically have to let them come and go as they please, and adjust what you are willing to do based on the understanding that there will not "stay."  I find that that doesn't work for me, not for someone as important to me as this person acted like he wanted to be.

Yes, and that might have been OK with me had I known the rules to begin with.  If that's the deal, then don't tell me we have this deep bond, we're meant for each other, and we're building a life together.  She might have been a lot more fun if I had much lower expectations and much less emotional commitment.