The most bitter thing I have ever experienced...

[jsmit154]

Hello,

I've been reading this and other forums for a while hoping to find a similar experience to mine. As I have not found one, I have decided to post. My borderline ex and I have a long and complicated history. When we first met many years ago, I called it off because I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility of helping to raise 2 young children.  At that time, I had not been with her enough to see the borderline traits emerge; it was still in the early stages when she told me that she loved me and wanted to be with me. It was too much too quickly and I got overwhelmed. Several years ago, we started talking again and it flowered into a relationship. I felt that I was ready for the responsibility and I still do. Things were going well, but certain things began to appear that I didn't understand.  She could never admit to being wrong and sometimes the smallest thing would set off an extreme episode of anger, in which any form of communication with her was temporarily suspended. I did my best to maintain patience; I know that she abused badly as a child. Multiple times she broke up with me; some of these times I was never even told the reason until weeks after we had gotten back together. Eventually I started having angry responses sometimes. It's hard not to when someone is screaming at you.

  The thing is, there would be long periods of time when everything was wonderful; 95% if the time she was a wonderful, sweet, loving person. From what I have gathered by reading other experiences, he case seems milder. She was always dedicated to me and I never once had any reason to not trust her. She was generous and understanding of my shortcomings. But when the monster came, she could bring up something I did or said that had bothered weeks or months ago that I was never told. She always felt horrible about afterwards, sometimes in as little as 15 mins.

  Finally, one night she erupted and something in me snapped.  I told her that I was tired of the abuse and ended it. She tried to get me to come back for a month and severely mourned the loss for at least 2 months. As for me, as time went forward, I began to soften. I reached a point where I laid out the good and the bad and weighed them. I realized that she made me happier more than she upset me. I found a message she had sent me earlier that said that she had always just wanted to find that person that "wouldn't give up on her". I caved and contacted her. I then proceeded to do everything wrong.

    From the start, I was confused. It was as if I wasn't even talking to the same person! Every sentence was some cryptic message to be decoded. I know now that I handled it entirely wrong.  I knew better; I had learned in the relationship to back off and wait for her to come to me. For some reason this time that I had to prove to her that I would never give up on her again. BIG MISTAKE.  I kept trying to fix things, but the more I tried the worse it got. Things would be going fine for several days or a week and then out of nowhere, the monster would emerge. She would tell me things like "you gave up on me already and it can't be undone" and "you are not pushing your way back into my life again!" She had even rewritten past events in her head.  It was if none of the good times ever existed. At one time I had 3 different female friends ALL working to try to figure out how to fix things. All 3 gave up eventually out of frustration! She admitted to me eventually that she still loved me, that she barely slept or ate for 2 months, and the reason she couldn't meet to exchange personal items was bc she "didn't trust herself". Finally after much agony, one night she flipped on me and I pulled out the borderline diagnosis.  She got quiet pretty quickly, then made threats, and finally blocked me, saying, "Find love where you can.  It won't happen with me".

    I proceeded to ship her things back to her and change my number.  That was 10 months ago. I've never not been able to get over an ex. I still feel that she is the one meant for me.  After everything, I still love her and dont feel that I can replace her. Ive analyzed it a hundred times and it doesn't change; I haven't even touched another woman since her. This is  coming from a man that for many years was happy go lucky and even kind of a playboy. I've never loved a person in this way, never unconditionally like this. And I very rarely fall in love anyways. But you can't make someone else want be with you and I can't make myself nit feel this way. What do you do? If anyone here can give any advice I would be grateful. Is there anything I can do? Is there any possibility that I will hear back from her?

Thanks

[Mutt]

 

Hi jsmit154,

I would like to welcome you. It's frustrating, confusing and painful when you're trying to put out a fire and another one starts. You're blamed for everything and the slightest thing sets your SO into a borderline rage. I'm sorry to hear things are difficult.

These relationship break-ups are tough. I can relate. Many members on this board share similar experiences. I'm glad you joined. It really helps to talk.

Here's an article that may shed some light.

Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

At first, a Borderline female (or male) may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor. In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she portrays herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotions advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her".

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you. Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.

It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

She's been quiet for 10 months? No attempts at trying to contact?

Are you seeing a T? Are you taking care of yourself?

Welcome to the family  

-- Mutt

[jsmit154]

The thing is, all of the information that you have provided I have already come to terms with. Not that I don't appreciate your concern and advice. I fully understand her manipulative tendencies.  I realize that can she be amazingly hypocritical at times and I understand her emotional immaturity at times; she reverts to a little 12 year old girl that watched her caretaker, her grandfather, slowly die of cancer. This is after she watched her father leave and go live with another woman and then her abandon her to live with another man. But I have decided that I accept these things. We have been through alot together over many years. I won't go through some of these personal issues that we weathered, but she always stood by me. But I do have a few questions of which I would really like to receive VERY HONEST opinions/answers if possible.  First and foremost, is there anything at all I can do in the situation or am I doomed to just wait and see if she returns? Is there any way tell whether the chances are good that a BPD will return? I said some pretty horrible things to her in anger that I regret, but I also told her many things that she needed to know. Things that.nobody has told her before. I told her that I wanted to be by her side from now forward and that I wanted to help her work through these things in her life, but made sure to tell her that I couldn't fix things for her. She just seemed to further freak out, denying any claim I made about her issues that I was concerned about. And of course saying that nothing was her fault/her doing. Finally,  do BPDs have the same level of self awareness as most people? More precisely, was she upset bc I was telling her new things about herself or was she upset that I had figured out parts of her that she had worked so hard to conceal?

[Alberto]

The thing is, all of the information that you have provided I have already come to terms with. Not that I don't appreciate your concern and advice. I fully understand her manipulative tendencies.  I realize that can she be amazingly hypocritical at times and I understand her emotional immaturity at times; she reverts to a little 12 year old girl that watched her caretaker, her grandfather, slowly die of cancer. This is after she watched her father leave and go live with another woman and then her abandon her to live with another man. But I have decided that I accept these things. We have been through alot together over many years. I won't go through some of these personal issues that we weathered, but she always stood by me. But I do have a few questions of which I would really like to receive VERY HONEST opinions/answers if possible.  First and foremost, is there anything at all I can do in the situation or am I doomed to just wait and see if she returns? Is there any way tell whether the chances are good that a BPD will return? I said some pretty horrible things to her in anger that I regret, but I also told her many things that she needed to know. Things that.nobody has told her before. I told her that I wanted to be by her side from now forward and that I wanted to help her work through these things in her life, but made sure to tell her that I couldn't fix things for her. She just seemed to further freak out, denying any claim I made about her issues that I was concerned about. And of course saying that nothing was her fault/her doing. Finally,  do BPDs have the same level of self awareness as most people? More precisely, was she upset bc I was telling her new things about herself or was she upset that I had figured out parts of her that she had worked so hard to conceal?

In my experience shes not coming back, at least not in the way you want. She might need you in the future, but she feels she has been exposed and she is too ashamed to face you. The pain of someone knowing they are inadequate is superior to your love.

Forget about normal, adult thought processing and analysis. They operate in a very particular logic and nothing you do can fix it.

[fromheeltoheal]

For some reason this time that I had to prove to her that I would never give up on her again. BIG MISTAKE.  I kept trying to fix things, but the more I tried the worse it got. Things would be going fine for several days or a week and then out of nowhere, the monster would emerge. She would tell me things like "you gave up on me already and it can't be undone"

To be a borderline is to fear abandonment constantly, it's a replaying of the threat of abandonment and the impending abandonment depression that they never weathered as small children, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.  So you did the worst thing that can be done to a borderline, you left her.  She will probably never trust you at the same level again, and will get triggered more quickly as the emotions flair and the wheels come off.  Sounds like you noticed.

I speak from experience.  I left my ex because I didn't trust that she was being faithful to me, turns out I was right, but she called me a week later all lovey-dovey and off to the races we went again.  If only I'd known then what I know now.  It was never even close to the same as before, even though I was doing more and trying harder, her rages were more frequent and her need to control more extreme.  We really can't screw up once in the abandonment department, since that's the core and where it hurts the most.  Sorry man.

[cosmonaut]

But I do have a few questions of which I would really like to receive VERY HONEST opinions/answers if possible.  First and foremost, is there anything at all I can do in the situation or am I doomed to just wait and see if she returns? Is there any way tell whether the chances are good that a BPD will return? I said some pretty horrible things to her in anger that I regret, but I also told her many things that she needed to know. Things that.nobody has told her before. I told her that I wanted to be by her side from now forward and that I wanted to help her work through these things in her life, but made sure to tell her that I couldn't fix things for her. She just seemed to further freak out, denying any claim I made about her issues that I was concerned about. And of course saying that nothing was her fault/her doing. Finally,  do BPDs have the same level of self awareness as most people? More precisely, was she upset bc I was telling her new things about herself or was she upset that I had figured out parts of her that she had worked so hard to conceal?

Ok, here's the most honest response I can give you: I don't believe that there is anything you can do in the situation except to learn about BPD and how to better relate to and communicate with someone with the disorder.  That way if she does come back (and she may or may not), you are in the best position to help things work.  There is nothing that you can do to make her come back.  Further interaction at this point may even drive her further away.  There are likely all sorts of things going on in her head, but you are associated with negative emotions so, for now, you are bad and you must be punished.  You have been banished from her kingdom and only she will decide when or if you will be allowed to return.  That's just how it works with BPD.  This is not your fault, though!  Please know that.  The most tragic and maddening thing about BPD is that the more loving you were, the more likely the disorder was to be triggered.  It is emotional intimacy that triggers them.  There is nothing you can do to change this.  Only she can ever take the steps needed to change this.  I know that sucks.  I know you would do anything to fix it for her, but unfortunately you can't.  For now, all you can do is wait.

As to whether or not she will be back - there is no way to know.  Many pwBPD do return to former partners, but sometimes they do not.  There is no certainty either way.  On the average, I would suspect that the odds favor her contacting you at some point, but it may not be any time soon.  It will likely be when she needs you, and in her need all of the old warm fuzzy feelings about you will come back to her.  Those feelings are being suppressed right now, but they are still there somewhere and it is possible for them to reemerge.

I am not an expert by any means on the psychological underpinnings of BPD, but as best as I understand it pwBPD do not have the same degree of self-awareness as most people.  Their disorder is a product of an underdeveloped sense of "self" and it is believed that this is the very root of the disorder.  Only by the pwBPD undertaking the very hard work in therapy of finishing that process of developing a self and becoming an autonomous person can they overcome their disorder.  It is a hard road and it takes tremendous strength and dedication to do it.  It is a major, major accomplishment.  pwBPD are otherwise perfectly developed.  Physically and mentally they can be fully adult, but in the deeper parts - the parts of identity, self-awareness, and self-soothing they are not fully formed.  These qualities are exactly what they seek out in relationships in order to fuse with the attachment and utilize these qualities that they lack.

I hope that helps.  I know it is a tremendously painful time for you.  I am one year out from my breakup and I'm still healing.  It has been the most painful, darkest time of my life this past year.  Hang in there, man.  It does get easier.

[jsmit154]

Thank you all for the advice. One of the many frustrating is that I STILL feel and have felt that "force" from her. I don't really know how else to describe it. I've been in many relationships and dated many more people. I think I can usually tell when the other person is still giving off the "spark" or not, no matter what they say. I still feel it coming from her strongly! Otherwise, I wouldn't have kept trying. Does any of this make sense to anybody else? It just seems stupid that she keeps fighting it. I even told her this and she said that it was "just hormones and stupidity". Basically she more or less admitted that she is still emotionally and sexually attached to me. At least that's my opinion.  :/ If I were in her shoes and continuously experienced the sane cycle of pushing people away over and over and a person came back saying, "Look l now understand why you do what you do and that it is a problem that you have to overcome and I am willing to stand by you and love you unconditionally", I would be relieved and more than willing to try again. Idk... .

[cosmonaut]

It's very hard to understand how our partner could be so disconnected from us in how they see the relationship (and indeed the world), especially when we feel so close to them.  We can only accept that our partners have some deeply skewed and distorted thinking as a result of their disorder.  There is, however, a certain logic within the disorder itself, and it can help to learn about it if you want to try to continue the relationship at some point in the future.

People with BPD feel emotions EXTREMELY intensely.  Far, far beyond what most people experience.  To them, emotions are overwhelming.  You've probably noticed this with your ex.  Trying to stop these emotions is one of the primary factors in their behavior.  So much of the impulsive, hurtful, self-destructive behaviors are simply desperate attempts by our partner to get some sort of relief from the extruciating emotions they are feeling.  Often these emotions are highly negative and the two worst are shame and fear of abandonment.  This is something that, as far as I know, is common to all those who suffer from BPD.  Even though you have the purest of intentions in wanting to help your ex by disclosing her disorder to her, you may be inadvertently triggering extreme shame in her.  She already feels defective and broken as someone with BPD and to have that pointed out by someone close to her is likely deeply shameful to her.  I know that isn't your intention - in fact it's the opposite of your intention - but these are the problems in treating a pwBPD as we would most people.  But pwBPD are different.  Not bad, but different.  They do not see the world as we do and they do not interpret things the way that we do.  Everything is filtered through a dark lens and constantly examined for signs that you are judging them as defective or bad, or perhaps even worse that you will abandon them.  Abandonment is the deepest, darkest, most terrifying of all fears to someone with BPD.  The emotion attached to the fear is so total that they will resort to extreme coping mechanisms such as splitting in order to mitigate a degree of emotions they otherwise cannot cope with.  From what you have said, I think the combination of her shame at discussing her BPD coupled with her fear of your abandonment (this is not reality based, but it IS the way she FEELS) have resulted in her needing to withdraw from you.  There is no way to know how long that might go on.  It will only end when and if she feels that it is safe.  She's emotionally at the level of a small child and right now she is hiding under the bed.  Only when she feels it's safe to come out will she show up again.

I know this is very hard to hear.  I made many, many mistakes with my ex too, all with the best of intentions.  I didn't know anything about BPD at the time and I had no tools in my toolbox.  I did the very best I could under the circumstances, and I don't think anyone else could have done anything more than I did.  I am sure you did the same.  It really is not your fault.  She has had this disorder long before she met you and it is something that was destined to be triggered at some point no matter how perfect of a boyfriend you were.  It's a tragic disorder.  It really is.  It leaves everyone miserable, most especially our partners.  Unfortunately, only they have the key to open the door.  No one else can fix this except them.  And it has to be something that they do on their own.  Only by becoming a fully developed, autonomous person can a pwBPD overcome the disorder.

Keep posting and reading here.  There is lots of really good information that is shared here and I think that you will pick up more and more insight about the way in which pwBPD tend to think about things and the way that they tend to interpret things.  Since it sounds like you are very determined to wait to see if your ex returns, this will be very important.  To make a relationship with a pwBPD work, it will require a significant amount of change from you too.  You are going to have to learn to be a master communicator and a very keen observer.  BPD relationships are never easy, but if you truly love this woman then I can certainly very much understand that you want to be with her and are willing to do whatever it takes.

[jsmit154]

Thanks again. I just wish there was some way I could make her see my true intentions,  as it is obvious that words will do nothing. How would a typical BPD in her situation react upon learning that I meant what I said and have not touched another woman in a year and a half and only think of her. Is that enough? Guess it is hard to know... .

[Deeno02]

Thanks again. I just wish there was some way I could make her see my true intentions,  as it is obvious that words will do nothing. How would a typical BPD in her situation react upon learning that I meant what I said and have not touched another woman in a year and a half and only think of her. Is that enough? Guess it is hard to know... .

Words dont mean a thing to them. My ex said that to me numerous times. But when I showed action, wasnt good enough either. Really nothing does. She dumped me via text almost 5 months ago. Within the week of dumping me, she was with her old college buddy. Anyway, the emotion is so strong to them that they seem incapable of feelings. Of course that depends on what emotion is at play. Ive seen my ex get caught up in a good emotion and seemed caring and considerate. Ive experienced the anger emotion numerous times and it still is going. Example: Broke NC because I saw a pic of her and the new dude and she looked happy. I commented on it simply saying"glad your happy... good bye my love". I was sad, but I was glad she seemed happy. After all, I dont "hate" her, dont like her very much, but I dont hate her. Anyway, 20 minutes later I recieved a hate filled text calling me passive agressive and dont comment on my instagram and a bunch of other harsh stuff. I looked at the text (shocked she still had my number as I dont have her's) and replied back that no harm was meant by my comment, Im geninuely glad your ok and happy. My point is, they see what they want to see. They are extremely emotional and apparently Im still so black to her for some reason, she cant even just let go like a normal relationship would. Fascinating that after almost 5 months of NC, she still harbors such intense dislike for me, like cosmonaut said, BPD'ers feel emotions extremely intensely.

[Moselle]

Jsmit154,

Sorry to hear about your break up and that you are still in love with her, wondering what to do.

My background is that I separated,  walked out on my wife of 14 years one year ago exactly.  I left for very good reasons (including physical amongst other abuses). But I knew nothing about BPD and the abandonment fears which were triggered.

She raged for 6 months solid on that abandonment fear, and slowly we have gravitated back together, but she doesn't trust me and goes on a divorce rage from time to time. I don't know if she will ever trust me again. But that is her issue not mine.

I recognise that deep connection you mention.  When separated and 1500 km away, I could still sense her moods and her needs. As I had been the source of Narcissistic supply for so long. Mine has NPD too.

One of your questions was whether you should tell her that you are waiting for her. Do what you feel is right. I moved back 3 months ago and just said "l'm back".  She predictably raged, but I've learned boundaries and how to enforce them, so the damage is not so great. I also realise that what she says during the rages is really about her, not about me.

But if you're considering moving back, do your research on what the realistic expectation is for the relationship.  It is not very pretty if I'm honest,  but I'm back because I love her and because I love my children.  There is lots of argument against and fewer for, because it is tough.  But there is a challenge in it, and I am learning more about myself than ever before. I take it day by day. Perhaps she will leave,  perhaps I will, but for today we are married and I can make the best of it today.

I have found it is best to let her know that her manipulations do not stop me from living my life. The message should not validate her invalid behaviour.  

The more she sees that her behaviour affects you, the more she will do it. Remember they ( like a 2 year old) are looking for a reaction and don't care whether it is positive or negative.

I'm learning slowly to reward the positive and discourage the negative by not rewarding it with attention.

[jsmit154]

     They don't seem to ever REALLY forgive, either.  At least that is the case in my specific situation; during the course of my multiple attempts to win her back, she brought up mistakes that I had made and things that I had said 5-6 years ago! At one point she basically gave me a full numbered inventory of EVERY wrong I had ever committed towards her! Some of these "transgressions" were so minute that I had long forgotten them; others I had never even been made aware of through the entire time that we had known each other! Furthermore, many were completely erroneous conclusions!

     Imagine that you, the reader, and I have been friends for some 6 years; well, 5 years ago, I had convinced you to go out  to the bar one night when you were feeling very unwell. You had honestly wanted me to just stay in with you and take it easy; 99% of the time it wouldn't have been an issue in the least bit, but an old friend I hadn't seen in years was in town that night. You finally agreed to come out with me. In fact, you made it seem like it wasn't even a big deal at the time and you never even really expressed just how horrible you felt. But you obviously filed it away in a grand mental catalog of every time I had ever wronged you or been inconsiderate to you. This specific event displays just how selfish you really are; you obviously only care about yourself.

    Furthermore, the grand list clearly displays that (in her own words) "you have been ruining  my life for years, B_____n" and that allowing you back into her life will "only continue to perpetuate misery".  Wow. There is nothing AT ALL that you can do right; asking her if it is raining at her house pisses h r off, not hearing something she said has an ulterior motive, SHE EVEN NOW HATES THE WAY YOU PRONOUNCE CERTAIN WORDS. Surely somebody here has experienced something similar... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Surely somebody here has experienced something similar... .

Yes, black and white thinking is a trait of the disorder; everything is either great or terrible, no gray in between.  Plus, you left her so you are the abandoner in her head, never to be redeemed.  And then, she may have concluded that you left because she's unworthy and feels ashamed about it, since shame is at the core of the disorder, and that doesn't feel good, so all of those feelings get dumped on you, projection, and you get to be the scumbag for the sake of her feel-good.  BPD is a mental illness, so applying rational thought is pointless once a borderline is triggered and feelings become facts.

[jsmit154]

    Thank you Moselle. In relation to what you said about needing attention, positive or negative, I remember one of the last times the monster came out. She had been particularly down that day, do I decided to send her a song that I listen to sometimes when I am down. After she heard the song, she asked me why I had sent it. I told her that since we weren't together anymore, I couldn't comfort her myself. Instead, I sent a song to serve as a "messenger of hope and love" to hopefully help sooth her on a bad day. She flipped, but it took a while for the pressure to build.     

     She started sending me song mp3s later that evening.  In response I sent her some songs. She lashed out, saying that I obviously didn't listen to the lyrics" and that I "think that any response from her is a good". I told her that I had chosen to remember the old her, the one that was always excited to tell me about her day and the one that liked who I was, both my strengths and shortcomings. That probably wasn't the best way to address the situation, either. Live and learn I guess.

   One of the most frustrating things about BPDs is that one of the key tools to reconciliation is more or less off bounds; with the typical person, you want to try to reawaken emotions connected to the former relationship. With BPD's, it seems that triggering any emotional response while they are in their black state immediately creates a very negative response. I think I always knew this inuititively but temporarily forgot in my overzealous desire to get her back. I wish I had visited this site first now; knowing this fact consciously could have completely changed the situation.  I now feel that this is probably the key piece of the puzzle that was plaguing my attempts.

[jsmit154]

I just don't get it, Moselle. If deep down she still wants to be with me, what does she keep fighting it so hard? Is "winning" really THAT important?

[Moselle]

Jsmit154,

That is exactly the core of the disease.  She wants desperately to be with you and to be intimate with you. She wants it more intensely than you and I do, but she was likely socialised as a child into believing that she is nothing,  literally "nothing". Her personality development was arrested as a 2 or 3 year old,  and your references to earlier days when she was a model partner trigger her becuse she knows it was just an act.  Because she believes that she is nothing,  her mindset is that once you know the truth you will leave.  So to be intimate,  or to connect puts her at risk of abandonment again.  And that burns her like we cannot imagine.

And here is something which you need to consider when you pursue this.  What you see now is real. It's the real her.  It will never go back to the honey moon phase where there was a connection different to anything we've experienced before.

Re the long list of sins. Mine has one too. Each will need to be addressed.  Her psychiatrist recommended to spend one full day on it then burn the list.

Regarding your efforts to remind her of the good things. We can and should anchor her in happy memories.  I do it too. But don't expect it to be appreciated.  It do soothe them though. I use a local restaurant where we shared a very special moment. I anchor her in that when I'm going away on business,  and book her for a date when I return. It's like an experiencial teddy bear which refer to on the phone as well. It soothes the abandonment fear.

Bearing in mind  she is emotionally 2 or 3 years old. When we're out of sight we are in effect out of their lives, just like a todder wondering where mommy is.

[JRT]

Hello,

I've been reading this and other forums for a while hoping to find a similar experience to mine. As I have not found one, I have decided to post. My borderline ex and I have a long and complicated history. When we first met many years ago, I called it off because I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility of helping to raise 2 young children.  At that time, I had not been with her enough to see the borderline traits emerge; it was still in the early stages when she told me that she loved me and wanted to be with me. It was too much too quickly and I got overwhelmed. Several years ago, we started talking again and it flowered into a relationship. I felt that I was ready for the responsibility and I still do. Things were going well, but certain things began to appear that I didn't understand.  She could never admit to being wrong and sometimes the smallest thing would set off an extreme episode of anger, in which any form of communication with her was temporarily suspended. I did my best to maintain patience; I know that she abused badly as a child. Multiple times she broke up with me; some of these times I was never even told the reason until weeks after we had gotten back together. Eventually I started having angry responses sometimes. It's hard not to when someone is screaming at you.

  The thing is, there would be long periods of time when everything was wonderful; 95% if the time she was a wonderful, sweet, loving person. From what I have gathered by reading other experiences, he case seems milder. She was always dedicated to me and I never once had any reason to not trust her. She was generous and understanding of my shortcomings. But when the monster came, she could bring up something I did or said that had bothered weeks or months ago that I was never told. She always felt horrible about afterwards, sometimes in as little as 15 mins.

  Finally, one night she erupted and something in me snapped.  I told her that I was tired of the abuse and ended it. She tried to get me to come back for a month and severely mourned the loss for at least 2 months. As for me, as time went forward, I began to soften. I reached a point where I laid out the good and the bad and weighed them. I realized that she made me happier more than she upset me. I found a message she had sent me earlier that said that she had always just wanted to find that person that "wouldn't give up on her". I caved and contacted her. I then proceeded to do everything wrong.

    From the start, I was confused. It was as if I wasn't even talking to the same person! Every sentence was some cryptic message to be decoded. I know now that I handled it entirely wrong.  I knew better; I had learned in the relationship to back off and wait for her to come to me. For some reason this time that I had to prove to her that I would never give up on her again. BIG MISTAKE.  I kept trying to fix things, but the more I tried the worse it got. Things would be going fine for several days or a week and then out of nowhere, the monster would emerge. She would tell me things like "you gave up on me already and it can't be undone" and "you are not pushing your way back into my life again!" She had even rewritten past events in her head.  It was if none of the good times ever existed. At one time I had 3 different female friends ALL working to try to figure out how to fix things. All 3 gave up eventually out of frustration! She admitted to me eventually that she still loved me, that she barely slept or ate for 2 months, and the reason she couldn't meet to exchange personal items was bc she "didn't trust herself". Finally after much agony, one night she flipped on me and I pulled out the borderline diagnosis.  She got quiet pretty quickly, then made threats, and finally blocked me, saying, "Find love where you can.  It won't happen with me".

    I proceeded to ship her things back to her and change my number.  That was 10 months ago. I've never not been able to get over an ex. I still feel that she is the one meant for me.  After everything, I still love her and dont feel that I can replace her. Ive analyzed it a hundred times and it doesn't change; I haven't even touched another woman since her. This is  coming from a man that for many years was happy go lucky and even kind of a playboy. I've never loved a person in this way, never unconditionally like this. And I very rarely fall in love anyways. But you can't make someone else want be with you and I can't make myself nit feel this way. What do you do? If anyone here can give any advice I would be grateful. Is there anything I can do? Is there any possibility that I will hear back from her?

Thanks

let me first say that I am sorry that you are going thorugh this. I know how much suffering that this causes and wish that no one had to go through it. Not many people her acknowledge that they had largely good relationships with their BPD's like you. I know that I did. I mean, there were some things that I though were not long term healthy with her (she never really shared her deep thoughts) and us (we never argued or disagreed, yes: that's not normal).

Like you, I was not really looking for the ONE until I met her. Over time, I felt like she was the one that was tailor made for me. I proposed after a year and she moved into my home with my daughter and I.

Your story and mine share some similarities. Where most of the BPD accounts that I have heard involve the acting out type of BPD, mine was one that really didn't rage like many. I am guess that like yours, had a mild case combined with her being a waif type (internalizing her demons).

Along the way, there were various episodes where she had recycled me. She would take exception with non-issues (like needing space in the house for a desk with 2 monitors so that she can pay bills once a month - this led to a breakup) and they would turn into episodes bigger than life. Finally just three weeks after she had moved in, she moved out while I was away and I have never spoken to her since.

Like yours, she left some stuff at my house, important and priceless family kind of property. Not sure if she had intended to leave them as a tether to me or not, but efforts through third parties to have her pick it up, have failed (legally, it is my property and my condition is for her to personally pick it up and provide an explanation for her actions) including one today. I wish I knew why any form of contact to them (I am blocked in every possible way) seems as dangerous as playing with explosives, to be avoided at all costs!

[jsmit154]

JRT: Though she COULD rage, it was rare that she did. Mine also spent much of her time in the Waif stage, which would often involve "baby talk" and stressing her emotional attachment to me. Don't get me wrong, the times typically endeared me very much to her. The negative side of this stage, when it appeared, was mostly just "fussy child" behavior, such as complaining that she was hungry or had to use the restroom when we were driving. I did quickly learn, however, that letting the fussiness go too long unaddressed could technically start the internal pressure cooker that anticipated the monster. These occasions I could nearly always defuse because ample warning was given; the fear was always the randon, sudden eruptions that seemingly came out of nowhere. I'm pretty sure most people hear understanding that of which I speak.

    I also never experienced anything that would lead me to think that she was unfaithful in anyway. The only thing that she WOULD sometimes do is seek additional validation from internet friends, though it was men and women alike. For example, if we had a bad fight, I could nearly always expect her to do a series of carefully constructed "selfies" to get a needed self esteem boost via compliments. Her strong fidelity may be related to her father cheating on her mother and subsequently abandoning her to move in with his new girlfriend when she was about 8.

[JRT]

It sounds like you had it far worse than me, but that might be a good thing after the fact. Mine was quiet about everything. I can count our arguments on one hand (though they were bizarre) and we otherwise had a pleasant time with one another. I must admit, I was very happy. I wonder if I had been abused like you and many others, if it would have been easier to cope after the breakup? I found it easy to feel better when I became angry with her legal antics after the fact.

[Deeno02]

It sounds like you had it far worse than me, but that might be a good thing after the fact. Mine was quiet about everything. I can count our arguments on one hand (though they were bizarre) and we otherwise had a pleasant time with one another. I must admit, I was very happy. I wonder if I had been abused like you and many others, if it would have been easier to cope after the breakup? I found it easy to feel better when I became angry with her legal antics after the fact.

Doesnt matter. Their personality drives the damage. I suffered through 16 months of ever so slight mental, verbal, emotional abuse and rages that broke me. Did it make the break up easier? No. This has been worse than my divorce from my wife of 18 years.

[JRT]

I can say that too - my divorce was a walk in the park compared to this!

[FrenchConnection]

I'll add that i went through this same experience from March until October last year.  Two recycles later i became much more aware of her BPD and what it really is. 

But i also came to the conclusion that unless she decides to recognize she has the disorder and then actively seek a way to deal with it that there can never be a relationship with her.  She will always act just like your ex acts.  And that leaves no room for a real relationship with anyone.  Because she is not capable of it.  That is sad and it hurts... .but you can not change her. 

She is the one who has to make that step for herself.

I understand your pain and your feelings.  You are not alone.  All i want to say is continue on with your life.  That is what i am doing.  You will find love again and this time with someone who can love you correctly.

[jsmit154]

Again, compared to several other BPDs I have met and many stories on here, she was pretty mild. Keep in mind that she might go 3 months without any negative episodes at all. Interestingly, marijuana helped A TON; only yesterday I read an article discussing medical studies with soldiers suffering from ptsd involving marijuana. I personally group BPD and ptsd in the same broad group of trauma related illnesses.