I did what you all told me not to do. My recycle story.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After 30 days of no contact with my uBPDexgf,  I get a text from her. Long story short, she came over that night. I remained indifferent, we hung out for about 2 hours, she left. She started texting me more often. We hung out again the next day for about 3 hours, watched a movie. I remained completely indifferent. She left, no hugs, nothing.

The texting continued.  I played into her trap. It all started with her mentioning cuddling several times and how it would be amazing.  I ended up saying something about a cuddle buddy and she said "I'll do it". That same night we were in bed together cuddling. As you can guess, we had sex. Twice actually.  Meanwhile she was still with the replacement.

We discussed what this was... if it was more than just sex. I told her I wouldn't even consider it until she dumped the other guy. She kept coming over. She was at my house every night for about 4 nights straight. This last sunday, she actually dumped the replacement. I witnessed it. I witnessed him blowing up her phone. He got word that she was staying at my house. She actually told him that she couldn't do it because she still loved me.

So, sunday, we spent the whole day together.  She was looking at me with those adoring and idealizing eyes one again. It was intense. We went out to eat. We had long talks about relationship counseling. She was all for it. We even went to a book store abd got some relationship books. We went to a sex shop, got some things, came home and laid in bed talking about our fears, wants, needs. We both opened up to each other in a deep way. The next morning, She woke up smiling,  hugging me, kissing me. I took her to her car, we both went off to work.

10 minutes after I dropped her off, she texts me telling me she loves me soo much. How we have each other and that's all that matters. She was texting me paragraphs about how we are going to prove everyone wrong. She even told her mom that we were back together. She told me our new anniversary is January 1st.

So in the same day, when she was telling me how much she "needs" me. Hours later, she said she's scared, followed by, I'm going to go to the hospital,  I'm going to check into the mental hospital, I need help. She told me she was having suicidal thoughts.

I know she went, she snap chatted me a pic of her being there. After her being there for a couple hours, she sends me a text that says "I can't do this with you, I have To focus on myself with nobody before I can even start to become a better person".

There it was. I didn't beg to get back together. I told her I saw this coming and not to come back to.me again pretending to love me.

Recycled in 5 days. Intense sex for 3 days. Done. Huge setback, but I'm okay. I'm not crying or bawling. I'm upset that I allowed this to happen. It's like she knew exactly when to contact me. Back to no contact.

[Xidion]

After 30 days of no contact with my uBPDexgf,  I get a text from her. Long story short, she came over that night. I remained indifferent, we hung out for about 2 hours, she left. She started texting me more often. We hung out again the next day for about 3 hours, watched a movie. I remained completely indifferent. She left, no hugs, nothing.

The texting continued.  I played into her trap. It all started with her mentioning cuddling several times and how it would be amazing.  I ended up saying something about a cuddle buddy and she said "I'll do it". That same night we were in bed together cuddling. As you can guess, we had sex. Twice actually.  Meanwhile she was still with the replacement.

We discussed what this was... if it was more than just sex. I told her I wouldn't even consider it until she dumped the other guy. She kept coming over. She was at my house every night for about 4 nights straight. This last sunday, she actually dumped the replacement. I witnessed it. I witnessed him blowing up her phone. He got word that she was staying at my house. She actually told him that she couldn't do it because she still loved me.

So, sunday, we spent the whole day together.  She was looking at me with those adoring and idealizing eyes one again. It was intense. We went out to eat. We had long talks about relationship counseling. She was all for it. We even went to a book store abd got some relationship books. We went to a sex shop, got some things, came home and laid in bed talking about our fears, wants, needs. We both opened up to each other in a deep way. The next morning, She woke up smiling,  hugging me, kissing me. I took her to her car, we both went off to work.

10 minutes after I dropped her off, she texts me telling me she loves me soo much. How we have each other and that's all that matters. She was texting me paragraphs about how we are going to prove everyone wrong. She even told her mom that we were back together. She told me our new anniversary is January 1st.

So in the same day, when she was telling me how much she "needs" me. Hours later, she said she's scared, followed by, I'm going to go to the hospital,  I'm going to check into the mental hospital, I need help. She told me she was having suicidal thoughts.

I know she went, she snap chatted me a pic of her being there. After her being there for a couple hours, she sends me a text that says "I can't do this with you, I have To focus on myself with nobody before I can even start to become a better person".

There it was. I didn't beg to get back together. I told her I saw this coming and not to come back to.me again pretending to love me.

Recycled in 5 days. Intense sex for 3 days. Done. Huge setback, but I'm okay. I'm not crying or bawling. I'm upset that I allowed this to happen. It's like she knew exactly when to contact me. Back to no contact.

[paperlung]

Sometimes we stumble. Live and learn. Just yesterday I had to email my ex to tell her I didn't want to text/see her anymore. You can read about it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240025.0

[Splitblack4good]

After 30 days of no contact with my uBPDexgf,  I get a text from her. Long story short, she came over that night. I remained indifferent, we hung out for about 2 hours, she left. She started texting me more often. We hung out again the next day for about 3 hours, watched a movie. I remained completely indifferent. She left, no hugs, nothing.

The texting continued.  I played into her trap. It all started with her mentioning cuddling several times and how it would be amazing.  I ended up saying something about a cuddle buddy and she said "I'll do it". That same night we were in bed together cuddling. As you can guess, we had sex. Twice actually.  Meanwhile she was still with the replacement.

We discussed what this was... if it was more than just sex. I told her I wouldn't even consider it until she dumped the other guy. She kept coming over. She was at my house every night for about 4 nights straight. This last sunday, she actually dumped the replacement. I witnessed it. I witnessed him blowing up her phone. He got word that she was staying at my house. She actually told him that she couldn't do it because she still loved me.

So, sunday, we spent the whole day together.  She was looking at me with those adoring and idealizing eyes one again. It was intense. We went out to eat. We had long talks about relationship counseling. She was all for it. We even went to a book store abd got some relationship books. We went to a sex shop, got some things, came home and laid in bed talking about our fears, wants, needs. We both opened up to each other in a deep way. The next morning, She woke up smiling,  hugging me, kissing me. I took her to her car, we both went off to work.

10 minutes after I dropped her off, she texts me telling me she loves me soo much. How we have each other and that's all that matters. She was texting me paragraphs about how we are going to prove everyone wrong. She even told her mom that we were back together. She told me our new anniversary is January 1st.

So in the same day, when she was telling me how much she "needs" me. Hours later, she said she's scared, followed by, I'm going to go to the hospital,  I'm going to check into the mental hospital, I need help. She told me she was having suicidal thoughts.

I know she went, she snap chatted me a pic of her being there. After her being there for a couple hours, she sends me a text that says "I can't do this with you, I have To focus on myself with nobody before I can even start to become a better person".

There it was. I didn't beg to get back together. I told her I saw this coming and not to come back to.me again pretending to love me.

Recycled in 5 days. Intense sex for 3 days. Done. Huge setback, but I'm okay. I'm not crying or bawling. I'm upset that I allowed this to happen. It's like she knew exactly when to contact me. Back to no contact.

Man this is crazy I remember reading all your posts from even when she was with your replacement .

I defiantly don't judge you xidion as you clearly love the women and I know if mine came back and dumped my replacement it would seem like real commitment from her . In your case tho the fact she has gone to seek help with her issues I think is very brave of her and if anything you may have helped her as I remember in your last posts about her willing to listern to you when you mentioned the facts about BPD to her and you discussed it together Id look at this positively she must care about you to listern take note and get help .

[Blimblam]

Xideon it doesn't sound like she was trying to hurt you she sounds like that was all pretty Honest in where she was at.  If she is honestly going go a mental hospital to get help and the message about focusing on herself.  The issue is if she can stick to it or feel so ashamed that she's having problems maintaining it and the fear of contacting you to be rejected. 

[patientandclear]

I would say the issue is ... .she is right.  She does need to be able to be by herself, without a relationship to lean on, to become a stronger person, to establish a self that is not so fragile that it would be extinguished by proximity to and intimacy with another person.

You've gotta root for that.  And that means not hoping she'll change her mind and weaken and do the easier thing which is to latch on to you (or another).

My ex did essentially the same thing with me.  He wasn't wrong when he said he needed to learn to be alone.  He WAS wrong when, instead of doing that, he immediately went back to his ex ... .that was scuzzy toward me and toward his ex.  But.  It's not that they're mistaken -- they do face a threat from intimate connection.  They need a different skill set to be able to engage inter-dependently with another person.

It hurts to take someone at their word that they are ready to do something with you that involves you being quite vulnerable ... .and then it turns out they were not in the state they portrayed or genuinely thought they were in.  I'm sorry Xidion. 

[Xidion]

I tend to think that she actually does love me. I also think she is at a point in her life where she knows there is something wrong with her and in order to get better, she needs help. I guess I shouldn't take it personal. The extreme flip flop in what she told me in the morning and evening of the same day is what was the surprise in all of this. I wish her all the best.

[Targeted]

I tend to think that she actually does love me. I also think she is at a point in her life where she knows there is something wrong with her and in order to get better, she needs help. I guess I shouldn't take it personal. The extreme flip flop in what she told me in the morning and evening of the same day is what was the surprise in all of this. I wish her all the best.

I could only pray that mine would choose that path instead of just running to a replacement, it looks to me there is a chance here that The love between you two sparked a interest in her to get help, I would give her some supportive words and encouragement that she is doing the right thing at least, you could still keep your distance and offer that she could talk to you if she needs to and you will always support her decision to get help. 

[jhkbuzz]

I tend to think that she actually does love me. I also think she is at a point in her life where she knows there is something wrong with her and in order to get better, she needs help. I guess I shouldn't take it personal. The extreme flip flop in what she told me in the morning and evening of the same day is what was the surprise in all of this. I wish her all the best.

Sometimes the truth is the hardest thing of all:

Sounds like her truth is that she cares for you but is a deeply disordered individual that is recognizing that she needs to heal herself before she can be with someone else.  If she follows through with that it would be a very positive development for her life and her healing.

Sounds like your truth is that you experienced what felt like every hope and dream you had for your r/s coming true... .only to feel the rug was pulled out from under you.  I'm so sorry, that's so very painful.

[Targeted]

Sounds like her truth is that she cares for you but is a deeply disordered individual that is recognizing that she needs to heal herself before she can be with someone else.  If she follows through with that it would be a very positive development for her life and her healing.

Sounds like your truth is that you experienced what felt like every hope and dream you had for your r/s coming true... .only to feel the rug was pulled out from under you.  I'm so sorry, that's so very painful.[/quote]
So true!  But on the bright side if you do have a hope or dream for this relationship it's not dead, she is doing something positive to make it a healthier possibility, I think this is better news than a recycle attempt.  I would love my ex to try that

[Splitblack4good]

Sounds like her truth is that she cares for you but is a deeply disordered individual that is recognizing that she needs to heal herself before she can be with someone else.  If she follows through with that it would be a very positive development for her life and her healing.

Sounds like your truth is that you experienced what felt like every hope and dream you had for your r/s coming true... .only to feel the rug was pulled out from under you.  I'm so sorry, that's so very painful.

Targeted Sorry to hijack and change the subject been trying to pm you your inbox is full ! Lol

So true!  But on the bright side if you do have a hope or dream for this relationship it's not dead, she is doing something positive to make it a healthier possibility, I think this is better news than a recycle attempt.  I would love my ex to try that[/quote]

[Xidion]

I feel like I'm painted black again because in the few days we were together again, I wasn't able to take all her pain away. So then it's my fault for not being able to do so. It's really amazing how fast she switched from loving me soo much, never wanting to leave me, told me she would never ever just text me and tell me it's over, to doing all the things she said she wouldn't in the very same day.

In the end, this is not healthy at all.

I don't want someone who is capable of flipping a switch like that.

[Rifka]

After much discussion about his problem, which at the time I thought it was bp no clue what BPD was, he supposedly went to see a therapist. We recycled, it was intense it lasted about a month or so. He accepted there was something wrong for the second. Prob lied to me about seeing the T every Sat morning. Didn't know then, but know now that everything was prob a lie throughout the entire relationship. He also always told me he would never cheat because he had been cheated on. I have learned he cheated, not them! They had their whole worlds turned upside down from his illness and what they accepted until they both fled for their lives.

We recycled one more time before the end, he told me that he needed time to clear his head for the weekend and would be at a camping site about an hour or so away. Story started to be inconsistent and I started to call him on it! I finally caught him in a real lie and needed to prove it. I got all the love bombing and he is doing everything for us and I was the best everything would understood him like nobody ever ( manipulative lies) . Long story short, he is a liar, he only knew how to lie, he wasn't where he said and I was able to prove it. I completely dumped him. He went into a complete panic, texting, calling, coming to my home, flowers, notes, all the bs to get me to recycle again, but I was done! I needed to catch him in a lie and I finally did!

Mine said he would do anything to fix us, but they are what they are Disordered! lying to cover and protect themselves is something they are very creative at perfecting. I hope yours is really working on herself, but my mistrust in BPD tends to sway me that she might be back with the ex. Getting out of my fog allowed me to break free and see the truth! He was a liar, they generally don't like to be alone. I have no solid proff that he cheated on me ever, but now clearly thinking, there were so many inconsistent stories that I just brushed off because I was ignoring my intuition and feeling that were fogged by my love, I'm sure it's a possibility!


5 months since breakup, almost 5 months n/c. He still comes into my head at times, I wish I could just block it out, but it does happen with a song or a place we frequented. I will never give him the opportunity to play with my heart and mind again. I have had much longer relationships that ended and I never think about. I really believe they imprint in your head and it may never leave. That does scare me a bit, because I don't want to spend a second thinking of him, but it's there!

I don't know if you will recycle again with your ex, but maybe find out if she is back with the ex before putting more time and energy into her.

I found out that time away from him because he wanted it was never doing what he said he was. His word was just convenient words for him, not facts.


Be safe, take care of you!

Rifka

[Xidion]

My ex seems to be in an extreme mode of lying.

She love bombed me like never before. It was intense. She promised the universe in the same day she ended it, as I said.

I really hope that she is getting help, but I don't know how much weight that holds. Like I said, I think she does love me, but only when she is around me. Her object consistency is extreme.

My guess is that I'm not done hearing from her. I thought I was this last time and 30 days NC, she started talking to me.

I hope for my sake, I don't hear from her. It will be hard to not dive into the temptation again, and I know that.

Honestly, this recycle is what I was waiting for... I wanted it. I don't know why, but I did. I was idealized for 3 days. She would stare into my eyes with adoration and love. I saw it, but at the same time, those eyes can turn into empty demonic looking eyes.

I don't regret giving it my all and trying to help her. We planned on going to counseling. But what she didn't know is I was setting up the counseling with a BPD expert trained in DBT. I'm just sad that it never got that far.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I am sorry to hear this recycle failed.  It is such a shame that they are their own worse enemies.  Hopefully things will improve now in her life and she can get some treatment and some help.  I guess you need the patience of a saint to be able to stick with a partner inflicted with BPD.  My BPD mother has been married to a man for over 20 years and while she does the affairs he sticks with her.  I think he has a schizoid personality and thus infidelity doesn't bother him on an emotional level.  I have to try and stop thinking about my ex but it is difficult and everyday she is there in my head.  I have no idea how she was able to do that - but it is impressive.  And annoying.

[Targeted]

I'm with you xidoon,  my intention would be the same if re-engaged.  

[Alex86]

Xidion I had convinced my ex to get help. She agreed while in the r/s.

She then started questioning the therapist, the process and my love.

Like "will you love me after all this?".

In the end, we broke up. And then in our last conversation she told me she

stopped therapy because she thought she would change and wants that little girl inside her

to remain.

She will be right and sincere to you only after she remains committed to therapy.

[Xidion]

I don't know that she is actually getting therapy. I won't know. I know she went to the mental hospital for having suicidal thoughts, but beyond that... I have no idea. What she tells me and what she does are two very different things, obviously.

She has again blocked me from all social media and blocked my phone number. Just like she did the last time She left 2.5 months ago.

Most think that I will eventually hear from her again. Do I love her still? Of course I do. Those feelings were brought back during these few days. She came on strong. Very Very strong. My guess is that it triggered some abandonment fears within her. So when she started having those fears, I was blamed for not taking those fears away.

I did leave her a voicemail today telling her that I'm proud of her if she really is seeking help and that it's a very brave thing to do. Aside from that, I didn't talk about getting back together.

I might not hear from her within 30 days this time, but I'm guessing it will happen. My reality is that I don't want this drama in my life. I dont want this push/pull. I want real love. That when someone tells me that they will always be there for me and never leave me, they mean it.

[Tim300]

After 30 days of no contact with my uBPDexgf,  I get a text from her. Long story short, she came over that night. I remained indifferent, we hung out for about 2 hours, she left. She started texting me more often. We hung out again the next day for about 3 hours, watched a movie. I remained completely indifferent. She left, no hugs, nothing.

The texting continued.  I played into her trap. It all started with her mentioning cuddling several times and how it would be amazing.  I ended up saying something about a cuddle buddy and she said "I'll do it". That same night we were in bed together cuddling. As you can guess, we had sex. Twice actually.  Meanwhile she was still with the replacement.

We discussed what this was... if it was more than just sex. I told her I wouldn't even consider it until she dumped the other guy. She kept coming over. She was at my house every night for about 4 nights straight. This last sunday, she actually dumped the replacement. I witnessed it. I witnessed him blowing up her phone. He got word that she was staying at my house. She actually told him that she couldn't do it because she still loved me.

So, sunday, we spent the whole day together.  She was looking at me with those adoring and idealizing eyes one again. It was intense. We went out to eat. We had long talks about relationship counseling. She was all for it. We even went to a book store abd got some relationship books. We went to a sex shop, got some things, came home and laid in bed talking about our fears, wants, needs. We both opened up to each other in a deep way. The next morning, She woke up smiling,  hugging me, kissing me. I took her to her car, we both went off to work.

10 minutes after I dropped her off, she texts me telling me she loves me soo much. How we have each other and that's all that matters. She was texting me paragraphs about how we are going to prove everyone wrong. She even told her mom that we were back together. She told me our new anniversary is January 1st.

So in the same day, when she was telling me how much she "needs" me. Hours later, she said she's scared, followed by, I'm going to go to the hospital,  I'm going to check into the mental hospital, I need help. She told me she was having suicidal thoughts.

I know she went, she snap chatted me a pic of her being there. After her being there for a couple hours, she sends me a text that says "I can't do this with you, I have To focus on myself with nobody before I can even start to become a better person".

There it was. I didn't beg to get back together. I told her I saw this coming and not to come back to.me again pretending to love me.

Recycled in 5 days. Intense sex for 3 days. Done. Huge setback, but I'm okay. I'm not crying or bawling. I'm upset that I allowed this to happen. It's like she knew exactly when to contact me. Back to no contact.

Wow.  That is one heck of a BPD story.  Thank you for sharing.  At least you now know what's up and how she'll always be.         

[JRT]

She has acknowledged her problem and she is seeking help... .there is hope.

[Xidion]

You my friend... got even with the replacement. Hold your head up high and know that couldn't stop thinking about you. So she had to come back for more. Now forget her, work on yourself and get better.

She did validate me quite a bit in that way. I made the mistake of really trying to make it work. And you're right. I did get even with the replacement, which is what I was dreaming of doing, even if it wasn't healthy.

[Xidion]

She has acknowledged her problem and she is seeking help... .there is hope.

I hope for her sake she follows through with it. Her life was a mess for the last two months after leaving me.

She started drinking a lot. She told me she had cheated on the replacement with someone else, which I'm not sure is true or not. She looked like ___... stressed out, gained weight.

She admitted to having no idea who she really is. She came to me looking for help. She told me inside she knew what this would turn into if I let her come over.

She has never opened up to anyone like she has me. She told me that I know her the best. I know these are just words, but I tend to believe it when she says things like this to me.

Whether or not she tries this again, I really need to focus on detaching. A healthy relationship with her would never be possible unless she truly seeks some sort of therapy and sticks to it. Even then, I feel like it would be very difficult.

[Tim300]

She has acknowledged her problem and she is seeking help... .there is hope.

Whether or not she tries this again, I really need to focus on detaching.

Among other concerns, I would be concerned about the possibility (however remote) of getting a pwBPD pregnant. 

[Xidion]

She has acknowledged her problem and she is seeking help... .there is hope.

Whether or not she tries this again, I really need to focus on detaching.

Among other concerns, I would be concerned about the possibility (however remote) of getting a pwBPD pregnant.  

That would be an absolute nightmare. I hope this doesn't happen. During those 3 nights. I foolishly didn't pull out on 2 occasions. However, I did it many times during the relationship and she never got pregnant. She has a lot of medical issues that make it super difficult for her to, if she even can get pregnant at all.

This topic kind of boggles my mind. Afterward she said "I would love to have a baby with you". Ugh.

[Tim300]

She has acknowledged her problem and she is seeking help... .there is hope.

Whether or not she tries this again, I really need to focus on detaching.

Among other concerns, I would be concerned about the possibility (however remote) of getting a pwBPD pregnant.  

She has a lot of medical issues that make it super difficult for her to, if she even can get pregnant at all.

Are you 100% certain about this?  My pwBPD lied about stuff of this importance without batting an eye.  There are so many stories on here about this specific issue being lied about.

[Xidion]

She has acknowledged her problem and she is seeking help... .there is hope.

Whether or not she tries this again, I really need to focus on detaching.

Among other concerns, I would be concerned about the possibility (however remote) of getting a pwBPD pregnant.  

She has a lot of medical issues that make it super difficult for her to, if she even can get pregnant at all.

Are you 100% certain about this?  My pwBPD lied about stuff of this importance without batting an eye.  There are so many stories on here about this specific issue being lied about.

Yeah,  I've seen her medical report. She was premature, which led to a lot of her health issues. She would cry sometimes at the thought of possibly not being able to have kids. I guess we will see... .

[Trog]

I know many of us would love our exes to have that flash of insight and go get well then come back to us but BPD is a tremendous struggle to control, my ex appeared to have got a handle on things, was taking medication and then 2 years later decided there was nothing wrong with her anymore and all the hellish behaviours were back. She hurt him. Again. And the likelihood of her following thru on this, rather than paying lip service for her guilt is super super slim. Fact is, he got recycled and got hurt, the story of 99% of us (or all of us I guess or we would t be here, suppose you don't hear from those that work).

I prayed for my ex that she would get that help and come back, she did, we got married, and she was never far off the boil even when 'well'.

After all we've been thru we have to look after #1, the last thing I told my wife was to never speak to me again and that I had no interest in her life and even if she sought help, still not to contact me. Ive been burnt by this. It hurt two fold. Letting down those barriers because they say they understand they are unwell, trusting them again, and then having them fail you... .Again, and deny they have any issue even in the face of being sectioned. Gah. Makes me annoyed

[AwakenedOne]

That would be an absolute nightmare. I hope this doesn't happen. During those 3 nights. I foolishly didn't pull out on 2 occasions. However, I did it many times during the relationship and she never got pregnant. She has a lot of medical issues that make it super difficult for her to, if she even can get pregnant at all.

This topic kind of boggles my mind. Afterward she said "I would love to have a baby with you". Ugh.

Wake up man... .I say this to you out of caring.

I was married to a BPD wife and the one thing I am thankful to God for is that she didn't get pregnant.

WAKE UP. WAKE UP. WAKE UP.

P.S. WAKE UP

[Tim300]

Wake up man... .I say this to you out of caring.

Ditto.

[Xidion]

You guys are right.  If I got her pregnant,  she would feel in control of me.

[Tim300]

You guys are right.  If I got her pregnant,  she would feel in control of me.

She would be in control of you (using the kid as a pawn to jerk you around).  Plus, you'd likely have a kid with BPD genes.  She would likely turn the kid against you, so you'd have two people hating you for the rest of your life.  This is how I've seen it play out.  Really a terrible outcome.