I did what you all told me not to do. My recycle story.

[Xidion]

You guys are right.  If I got her pregnant,  she would feel in control of me.

She would be in control of you (using the kid as a pawn to jerk you around).  Plus, you'd likely have a kid with BPD genes.  She would likely turn the kid against you, so you'd have two people hating you for the rest of your life.  This is how I've seen it play out.  Really a terrible outcome.

Ugh. I don't even want to think about that. Let's hope I don't hear from her a couple months from now telling me she's pregnant.

[mrshambles]

Well I can say from my experience ( I have a child with my expwBPD), that she loves our child. BUT she doesn't screw with me and my child's relationship. Nor does she use it as a way to control. She knows I'm a good dad and doesn't want him to live the childhood she did. And I think she knows when push comes to shivr that I'll be able to care of him better in the long run. Again, just from my experience.

[cosmonaut]

Assuming that your ex is serious, I think she may be on a very positive path.  She clearly has some solid insight into her disorder and seems to understand that only by becoming a fully developed and autonomous self can she ever hope to be able to have healthy, happy, adult relationships.   I know this must seem heartbreaking right now, but if she is serious about this, that is truly the best thing she could be doing.  If you ever hope to be able to have a lasting and stable relationship with her either, this is the only way it will happen.  Support her.  :)on't smother - she needs space to work on herself - but support her.  She's doing the right thing.  This could be a happy story.  

[Xidion]

Assuming that your ex is serious, I think she may be on a very positive path.  She clearly has some solid insight into her disorder and seems to understand that only by becoming a fully developed and autonomous self can she ever hope to be able to have healthy, happy, adult relationships.   I know this must seem heartbreaking right now, but if she is serious about this, that is truly the best thing she could be doing.  If you ever hope to be able to have a lasting and stable relationship with her either, this is the only way it will happen.  Support her.  :)on't smother - she needs space to work on herself - but support her.  She's doing the right thing.  This could be a happy story.  

I really hope she does get help and she is being honest about it. I won't know either way. We aren't talking and she has again blocked all forms of communication with me. I feel as if she will be back again. But I don't want to go through the same thing. I could never trust her again. One thing I will mention. I saw the little child in her on Sunday night. We laid in bed looking into each others eyes and she was gazing at me with the most innocent look I have ever seen. Her eyes were tender, and loving. Every time I kissed her, she couldn't keep her breathe. In that very moment, I could see her in deep idealization of me. I could see the childlike adoration. I could see the child in her eyes. That's what I'm addicted to. That's why I can't stop thinking about her. All of the terrible things she has done to me disappear when she looks at me like that. That's why this happened.

[Ripped Heart]

I will echo what others have said here, it's sad and frustrating that you went from 100 - 0 in less than a day. Just when things were looking up, they come crashing down but turn it on it's head for a moment.

If she follows this through and gets the help she needs, you have done something positive for her and she won't forget it. It could be the start of something good for both of you but as much as she is getting the help to grow within herself, you need that too. Now is the time to focus on yourself and heal within you.

There may come a time in the future when you both heal and may approach the relationship from an entirely different angle and make it worthwhile and fulfilling. You may find that as you heal, your priorities and needs change and then find the person who is able to share that with you. It may be that your ex becomes a part of your life as a friend. There are so many possibilities so just as she has chosen to walk the path on her own right now, you must do the same and heal within yourself.

[paperlung]

I really hope she does get help and she is being honest about it. I won't know either way. We aren't talking and she has again blocked all forms of communication with me. I feel as if she will be back again. But I don't want to go through the same thing. I could never trust her again.

Did she ever think she needed help when you two were together? Was she at any point ever aware that there might be something wrong with her? My ex knew she was very troubled, and when we were together, I tried to get her help. I would drive her to see a psychologist and it only lasted two sessions because it was too expensive for her. Later on in our relationships, when things got worse, she asked for my help again. She set up an appointment to see some mental health worker but bailed out because she was too tired to go. After we broke up, and I went NC for a year, I found out she still hadn't committed herself to any long lasting therapy. And before she moved back to my area, she said she was going to get on-going help, but hasn't yet. Just been messing around on POF and Tinder. Getting a person with BPD to stay in therapy is apparently very difficult.

One thing I will mention. I saw the little child in her on Sunday night. We laid in bed looking into each others eyes and she was gazing at me with the most innocent look I have ever seen. Her eyes were tender, and loving. Every time I kissed her, she couldn't keep her breathe. In that very moment, I could see her in deep idealization of me. I could see the childlike adoration. I could see the child in her eyes. That's what I'm addicted to. That's why I can't stop thinking about her. All of the terrible things she has done to me disappear when she looks at me like that. That's why this happened.

I experienced this exact same thing when I went over to her place over a week ago, man. Her eyes, the gaze, the innocent look... .I can completely relate to that. This was my second time seeing her in over a year and the first time being alone with her (we were in her bedroom). She was touching me all over, kissing my neck profusely, rubbing her nose against mine like she used to do... .I didn't give in the temptation, though. She tried to undo my belt for a you know what but I stopped her. I was already turned off knowing she had other guys sleeping in her bed, but just how strong she came onto me really freaked me out. It was like Summer 2011 all over again when she first idealized me. I'm now NC with her again. She's no better than she was when we were together. I don't want to be hurt again, and I know it would happen. I miss her, though. I especially miss the version of her I first met.

[Xidion]

I really hope she does get help and she is being honest about it. I won't know either way. We aren't talking and she has again blocked all forms of communication with me. I feel as if she will be back again. But I don't want to go through the same thing. I could never trust her again.

Did she ever think she needed help when you two were together? Was she at any point ever aware that there might be something wrong with her? My ex knew she was very troubled, and when we were together, I tried to get her help. I would drive her to see a psychologist and it only lasted two sessions because it was too expensive for her. Later on in our relationships, when things got worse, she asked for my help again. She set up an appointment to see some mental health worker but bailed out because she was too tired to go. After we broke up, and I went NC for a year, I found out she still hadn't committed herself to any long lasting therapy. And before she moved back to my area, she said she was going to get on-going help, but hasn't yet. Just been messing around on POF and Tinder. Getting a person with BPD to stay in therapy is apparently very difficult.

One thing I will mention. I saw the little child in her on Sunday night. We laid in bed looking into each others eyes and she was gazing at me with the most innocent look I have ever seen. Her eyes were tender, and loving. Every time I kissed her, she couldn't keep her breathe. In that very moment, I could see her in deep idealization of me. I could see the childlike adoration. I could see the child in her eyes. That's what I'm addicted to. That's why I can't stop thinking about her. All of the terrible things she has done to me disappear when she looks at me like that. That's why this happened.

I experienced this exact same thing when I went over to her place over a week ago, man. Her eyes, the gaze, the innocent look... .I can completely relate to that. This was my second time seeing her in over a year and the first time being alone with her (we were in her bedroom). She was touching me all over, kissing my neck profusely, rubbing her nose against mine like she used to do... .I didn't give in the temptation, though. She tried to undo my belt for a you know what but I stopped her. I was already turned off knowing she had other guys sleeping in her bed, but just how strong she came onto me really freaked me out. It was like Summer 2011 all over again when she first idealized me. I'm now NC with her again. She's no better than she was when we were together. I don't want to be hurt again, and I know it would happen. I miss her, though. I especially miss the version of her I first met.

No, she never mentioned anything about getting help. I don't know what to believe. She has told so many lies in the last couple days. Mainly of how she loves me and would never leave me ever again.  She started the re engagement by wanting to know about BPD. She admitted to sharing a lot of the traits, but said she doesn't think it's that. Part of me thinks that she used it to manipulate her way back to me. Part of me thinks she never went to the mental hospital, but to a regular ER to make me think that she really was there. Someone told me they take your cell phone away in mental hospitals. She was snap chatting me while there. Idk. Again, she told me she does think there is something wrong with her. But why would she block all forms of communication after telling me she needed to work on herself? I didn't beg or plead. I said, okay. One thing I will point out us her step mom hates me. She got a call from her step mom yelling at her for considering getting back with me. Her sister too. She assured me she wouldn't let them get in between us. My gut tells me she was talked into it.

[jhkbuzz]

One thing I will mention. I saw the little child in her on Sunday night. We laid in bed looking into each others eyes and she was gazing at me with the most innocent look I have ever seen. Her eyes were tender, and loving. Every time I kissed her, she couldn't keep her breathe. In that very moment, I could see her in deep idealization of me. I could see the childlike adoration. I could see the child in her eyes. That's what I'm addicted to. That's why I can't stop thinking about her. All of the terrible things she has done to me disappear when she looks at me like that. That's why this happened.

I understand soo well... .the sweetness and vulnerability used to bring out every protective bone in my body. I never wanted to help/shield/love my gf more than when she was in that mode.

That's dysfunctional, though, on both sides. Much of the chaos in her life arises from the fact that she operates out of a "vulnerable child" persona.  She is not a child and if she continually reverts to that state she won't ever heal.  And we shouldn't be rescuing adult "children" - that's not healthy for us, either.  We need adult partners who are equal to us in every way. That's the only path to the healthy, adult, intimate relationship that we are hoping for.

And trust me here, I'm giving myself a pep talk just as much as I'm giving you one.

One more thing to keep in mind: as quickly as she can flip into vulnerable child mode she can flip back out into... .take your pick.  Angry child mode.  Impulsive child mode. Detached protector. And the beat goes on... .

www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm

[Xidion]

Part of me thinks she went to a regular er, fed them some crap to get seen by a doc and pretended to be at a mental hospital so she would think she wanted to actually get help. She was snapping me pics from the room. I was told that in a mental hospital, they take your cell away while being seen. This way when she tries coming back again, she can open contact by telling me she has been doing therapy and getting help. Because she knows I think that there is something wrong with her.

[Xidion]

Another thing that threw me off guard was when she told me that she took me for granted in our relationship. She said she took for granted that I provided her with a home, food, and gas in her car.

I just don't know whether it was sincere or not. Maybe at the time it was. I know they have the ability to just forget anything they have said to you like it never happened.

She started taking ownership for the things she had done. We were working out trust issues etc. Talking about how to improve upon things that happened in the past. Then one day she just broke down.

I really feel like she was giving an honest effort. Whether or not it was real, I won't know. But something triggered her into this. I don't know what I was either. I didn't see her while it was happening. It all changed while she was at work. She was only okay for about 5 hours after seeing me. After that it went downhill.

Maybe she just knew exactly what to say to me to get me to tell her that I loved her and missed her. And once I did it was check mate.

[nowwhatz]

After 30 days of no contact with my uBPDexgf,  I get a text from her. Long story short, she came over that night. I remained indifferent, we hung out for about 2 hours, she left. She started texting me more often. We hung out again the next day for about 3 hours, watched a movie. I remained completely indifferent. She left, no hugs, nothing.

The texting continued.  I played into her trap. It all started with her mentioning cuddling several times and how it would be amazing.  I ended up saying something about a cuddle buddy and she said "I'll do it". That same night we were in bed together cuddling. As you can guess, we had sex. Twice actually.  Meanwhile she was still with the replacement.

We discussed what this was... if it was more than just sex. I told her I wouldn't even consider it until she dumped the other guy. She kept coming over. She was at my house every night for about 4 nights straight. This last sunday, she actually dumped the replacement. I witnessed it. I witnessed him blowing up her phone. He got word that she was staying at my house. She actually told him that she couldn't do it because she still loved me.

So, sunday, we spent the whole day together.  She was looking at me with those adoring and idealizing eyes one again. It was intense. We went out to eat. We had long talks about relationship counseling. She was all for it. We even went to a book store abd got some relationship books. We went to a sex shop, got some things, came home and laid in bed talking about our fears, wants, needs. We both opened up to each other in a deep way. The next morning, She woke up smiling,  hugging me, kissing me. I took her to her car, we both went off to work.

10 minutes after I dropped her off, she texts me telling me she loves me soo much. How we have each other and that's all that matters. She was texting me paragraphs about how we are going to prove everyone wrong. She even told her mom that we were back together. She told me our new anniversary is January 1st.

So in the same day, when she was telling me how much she "needs" me. Hours later, she said she's scared, followed by, I'm going to go to the hospital,  I'm going to check into the mental hospital, I need help. She told me she was having suicidal thoughts.

I know she went, she snap chatted me a pic of her being there. After her being there for a couple hours, she sends me a text that says "I can't do this with you, I have To focus on myself with nobody before I can even start to become a better person".

There it was. I didn't beg to get back together. I told her I saw this coming and not to come back to.me again pretending to love me.

Recycled in 5 days. Intense sex for 3 days. Done. Huge setback, but I'm okay. I'm not crying or bawling. I'm upset that I allowed this to happen. It's like she knew exactly when to contact me. Back to no contact.

Wow this is so familiar to me. Amazing. Please don't do what I did and let this happen to you 8,9,10,11 times (sorry lost count of recycles).   

[jhkbuzz]

Another thing that threw me off guard was when she told me that she took me for granted in our relationship. She said she took for granted that I provided her with a home, food, and gas in her car.

Again, this is coming from a child-like mindset.  Not good for either of you - you shouldn't be supporting an adult, and in her better moments she knows it as well. More rescuing, more dysfunction.

And I know the cycle well, because the exact same dynamic was in play with my gf. Bought her a car when she didn't have one. Bought a house for us to live in (and her daughter to grow up in). Over time (as I helped her with her career) she became more and more financially stable - but I "took care" of her in a million other ways by shouldering the bulk of the adult responsibilities in our lives. This is what she was looking for when we met... .it's what she loved and appreciated about me in the beginning... .but it was what she grew to resent because it made our relationship too unequal.

Maybe she just knew exactly what to say to me to get me to tell her that I loved her and missed her. And once I did it was check mate.

I don't know that it's that pre-meditated, Xidion. Remember, this is a disorder of fleeting emotions, of emotional dysregulation. Maybe it's just that they're so incredibly impulsive.

A wonderful quote from user 2010:

"(BPD) is the byproduct of a neglected childhood. Left on their own - they were alone and waiting for someone to come through the door. But what came through the door was always going someplace - and never stayed. What came through the door always left.

So as an Adult, they are constantly looking, constantly. The person who does come through the door and stays - is not believed.

BPD is a failure to see the people who stay as a solution to the problem, an end game, so to speak. People with BPD cannot recognize their irrational fear that people leave them - so they are constantly on the search for replacement people to offset the feelings of anxiety - and fear of being alone. That is why the disorder is so heinous - because they push away the people who love them and long for the people who don’t (yet.) It's a cycle.

It is an endless cycle of trust, broken trust and mistrust all to fend off their feelings of abandonment.  There is no logic - everything they do stems from calming the feeling of neglect. Even their own ego suffers from it - without others, they do not exist emotionally. The constant state of coming and leaving keeps them in a state of equilibrium. Unfortunately for the rest of us - it causes chaos.

Is it evil? It certainly would qualify for a living Hell. Do they do it on purpose? Yes, it is a disorder. Can you help them? Not unless they help themselves. It is a disorder that goes so deep, so far back in time that only the most astute Human being would be able to unravel the puzzle without some effort of self-examination.

Unfortunately, none of us can do it for them. And therein lies the rub."

[Xidion]

After 30 days of no contact with my uBPDexgf,  I get a text from her. Long story short, she came over that night. I remained indifferent, we hung out for about 2 hours, she left. She started texting me more often. We hung out again the next day for about 3 hours, watched a movie. I remained completely indifferent. She left, no hugs, nothing.

The texting continued.  I played into her trap. It all started with her mentioning cuddling several times and how it would be amazing.  I ended up saying something about a cuddle buddy and she said "I'll do it". That same night we were in bed together cuddling. As you can guess, we had sex. Twice actually.  Meanwhile she was still with the replacement.

We discussed what this was... if it was more than just sex. I told her I wouldn't even consider it until she dumped the other guy. She kept coming over. She was at my house every night for about 4 nights straight. This last sunday, she actually dumped the replacement. I witnessed it. I witnessed him blowing up her phone. He got word that she was staying at my house. She actually told him that she couldn't do it because she still loved me.

So, sunday, we spent the whole day together.  She was looking at me with those adoring and idealizing eyes one again. It was intense. We went out to eat. We had long talks about relationship counseling. She was all for it. We even went to a book store abd got some relationship books. We went to a sex shop, got some things, came home and laid in bed talking about our fears, wants, needs. We both opened up to each other in a deep way. The next morning, She woke up smiling,  hugging me, kissing me. I took her to her car, we both went off to work.

10 minutes after I dropped her off, she texts me telling me she loves me soo much. How we have each other and that's all that matters. She was texting me paragraphs about how we are going to prove everyone wrong. She even told her mom that we were back together. She told me our new anniversary is January 1st.

So in the same day, when she was telling me how much she "needs" me. Hours later, she said she's scared, followed by, I'm going to go to the hospital,  I'm going to check into the mental hospital, I need help. She told me she was having suicidal thoughts.

I know she went, she snap chatted me a pic of her being there. After her being there for a couple hours, she sends me a text that says "I can't do this with you, I have To focus on myself with nobody before I can even start to become a better person".

There it was. I didn't beg to get back together. I told her I saw this coming and not to come back to.me again pretending to love me.

Recycled in 5 days. Intense sex for 3 days. Done. Huge setback, but I'm okay. I'm not crying or bawling. I'm upset that I allowed this to happen. It's like she knew exactly when to contact me. Back to no contact.

Wow this is so familiar to me. Amazing. Please don't do what I did and let this happen to you 8,9,10,11 times (sorry lost count of recycles).   

After each time she left, how did she re engage you again? It seems like they never run out of excuses or reasons to start contacting you again.

[JRT]

I have been apart from mine for 3 months... .I wanted to see if she was stalking me on FB at all... .I put a picture trunk that she left her full of sentimental memorabilia on FB with an indication that I was going to throw it away including all of the contents. I received an IM from one of her girlfriends this morning asking if she could pick up the trunk... .in the exchange, she insisted that my ex was NOT stalking my page nor did she even care about its contents only to relent after insisting over and over.

My response, as a footnote, was that if she wanted to collect the trunk and its contents, that she would need to make arrangements to do so directly with me. As she did a disappearing act; she moved out while I was gone, broke up via text and then blocked me from contacted her I still have not heard a word from her. As it is legally considered abandoned property, it now legally belongs to me, I also made the offer to make it available upon condition of an explanation of why she did what she did and the way that she had done this.

Dunno: this seems really easy to me: "I broke up with you because ________________________________". Yet through this episode and others, she acts as if ANY contact with me is the worst kind of torture or violence to her sensibilities that she could possible endure. I don't get it especially since a BPD's usually are pounding on our doors to get back... .

[Xidion]

One thing I forgot to mention that kind of stuck out to me, is when we were talking... she said "I'm here for a reason, right?"

She didn't make it a statement, she made it a question. It makes me think she was looking for me to tell her that she was here for a reason... .which I did.

I'm so confused. My mind is running 100 miles an hour today. I texted her today. She didn't respond. I didn't expect her to, so it didn't make me feel bad when she didn't.

I wish there was a way to find out of she really loves me. Or if she just came here for sex and validation. Maybe she just wanted to see if she could weasel her way back in after what she did to me. I keep searching for answers that I don't think I will ever really get.

I guess what I do know is that when she was around me, her love for me was intense. But when I was away, she always struggled with believing that I loved her and wouldn't hurt her.

No matter how much I reassured her that I wouldn't, she always had that worry. I know it stems from her childhood experiences, but knowing that didn't make it any easier.

This recycle has left me even more confused than the initial breakup. I just want to know why it happened.

[Trog]

You know, I was a latch key kid, I got hit as a kid, there was abuse in our household, my parents were up an down like a yo-yo, I also had no siblings to share the burden... .But I didn't decide to take off people and develop a huge sense of entitlement. What makes one person go co-dependent (bad enough!) overly responsible and the other go BPD? Two faces of the same coin? This is why it feels like the perfect match but is actually the match from hell?

[Tim300]

You know, I was a latch key kid, I got hit as a kid, there was abuse in our household, my parents were up an down like a yo-yo, I also had no siblings to share the burden... .But I didn't decide to take off people and develop a huge sense of entitlement.

I am with you 100%.  This was my gut instinct when she wore on her sleeve early on that she was "abused" etc.  I wish I had gone with my gut instinct and gotten out of there.  Normal people who had difficult childhood experiences (20+ years ago!) do not wear it on their sleeves like this.  Maybe such abuse is something you bring up with a few very close people over the course of your entire lifetime.  A lot of people had very difficult or even abusive childhood experiences. 

In any event, such abuse (if it actually even happened with respect to a pwBPD) is absolutely not an excuse whatsoever to rope someone in with love and then abuse them periodically, mercilessly.  Next time an adult starts wearing alleged child abuse on her sleeve early on, I'm out.  Get over yourself, you're not alone, I don't owe you anything, and you probably have BPD or some other mental distortions going on -- surely I'll be the next one of your alleged "abusers," so adios.