Abandoned by our BPD daughter

[A_Dad_E]

I just found this site and I'm hoping I can find the support I need to cope with the pain I'm feeling right now.

First let me give you a bit of background, we adopted our daughter at the age of 13, she was diagnosed with "emotional special needs" but she was never given a formal diagnosis. We struggled for years bouncing from therapist to therapist, dealing with a hateful teen who repeatedly made poor decisions, used and manipulated everyone she met, self sabotaged, self destruction(punching and hitting things), and overall was very unstable. We tried anything and everything therapists suggested and nothing seemed to work. We could not find a way to successfully parent this child, we struggled to keep it together over the years with the hateful things our daughter did to us. It wasn't till about a year ago when she was 17 and seemed to have snapped (stealing from her 6 year old little brother, sneaking out and doing crazy things during the day while we were at work, stealing from us, etc... .) that we had her committed and finally got a formal diagnosis of BPD and Bi-Polar.

After we got a diagnosis I went all out doing research on both conditions and reading up on parenting methods and ways to help our daughter cope with her condition. We changed our parenting method to a therapeutic type of parenting, we talked thru everything with her and helped her understand her symptoms and told her when we saw them manifest so she could take precautions to stop herself or at least give us the OK to take action if needed. While it did seem to help for a short time, she was obviously hesitant and reluctant to play along, she wanted to be "normal" and didn't like the idea that she had some issue that her friends didn't.  I have been meditating on and off for many years, so when I found that meditation was also a good way to help cope with BPD symptoms, I tried my best to teach meditation to my daughter as well, especially since she has never been willing to take medication for her conditions. Despite all of our efforts, nothing did any good. She turned 18 back in the fall and moved out the day after celebrating her birthday with the family, basically waiting to get all the free stuff she could before abandoning us. She moved in with a friend and we were very understanding and helpful about it, helping her pack and making sure to ask her repeatedly to not be a stranger and reminding her that we love her. We did not let her take her cell phone since we were paying the bill, so we could only contact her thru social media when she left. We have not heard from her since that day outside of a couple random encounters. The very next day after moving out she made a new facebook page, instagram page, and KIK account, basically cutting off all communication with us. We tried reaching out to her on multiple occasions (via her new facebook page, and thru a friends cell phone) and she has completely ignored us. She popped up once in early November, high as a kite, and wanted to "visit". We had company and I did not want my young son to see his sister in that condition, so I sent her away and asked her to call next time. Then on Christmas day, she popped up at my parents house completely unannounced and once again high as a kite. She was fully expecting free gifts and free food, but we felt that was inappropriate, so after letting her come in and say hello to the family, we told her we loved her and sent her on her way.

She has been couch hopping since last fall, she has never gotten a job and avoids responsibility like the plague. She'll get kicked out of one house and move on to the next one, then goes back to the previous one after manipulating people and convincing them to take her back. She smokes weed constantly, her on again off again boyfriend helps her get it whenever she wants. We have been getting bits and pieces of information thru some of our daughter friends, their parents, and other adults who our daughter has been in communication with. It seems that since we are the only ones who she cannot manipulate and the only ones trying to make her face her issues and help her, that we are the only ones she has chosen to cut off. Her birth family stays in contact with her and even though we have informed them of her issues, all they do is kiss her butt and tell her anything she wants to hear. She knows how to manipulate them, so they are no help.

I understand where all of this is coming from, I understand why she left us, heck I understand her self destructive behavior. But despite this understanding, I have this constant underlying pain, like a knife in my heart. I miss my daughter, and the fact that she has intentionally abandoned us is heart breaking, I know why she did it but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. Even though the 5 years she was with us were hard, we had some good moments, she was loving when she really wanted to be, and its those moments I cling to now that she is gone. I think about her every day, wondering if she is okay, worried that she is on the streets somewhere in self destruct mode. The tough love we are using with her is the only thing we know to do to protect ourselves and to try and help her see what she is doing to us and herself, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working.

Will she ever come around? My wife and I feel that if she finally runs out of people to manipulate and finally hits bottom, that reality will slap her in the face and she will no longer be able to run from it, then maybe she will finally be willing to accept help. Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing, or am I alone in this situation?

Sorry for the long post, just felt I should give the full story.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[rationalmind]

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice since I'm only in the early stages of this myself with a biological daughter but sounds just like my nearly 18 year old daughter. She moved out of the house after the last altercation (mind you she barely took anything with her), is noncompliant with therapy and lost her phone so we are out of touch. Smokes weed and parties to cope, and is couch surfing. Police can't do anything and I fear it's too late but I am hopeful that maybe they can come to want to change after running out of options. Best wishes to you.

[A_Dad_E]

Sounds like we are in the exact same boat. Back last year right after we had her committed, our daughter chose to move out and barely took anything with her outside of a couple of backpacks and a trash bag of clothes. She went and moved in with a guy who sold weed so she could get free weed off of him in exchange for sexual favors. However that didn't last long because he said the "R word" (responsibility) and the "J word" (job) and she up and left with nothing more than her purse and backpack, she left everything at his house. By the time we found out she was no longer living with that guy(about a week and a half), she had worn out her welcome everywhere she tried to go and was sleeping in the back of peoples cars. So we made her come home after that and tried our new parenting methods till she turned 18.

The part that hurts the most I think, is the fact that she uses us as fodder to manipulate other people. She has spread so many lies about us over the years to get sympathy and attention that I've completely lost track. Things like we are her foster family, we are abusive, we force her to be our maid, we make her pay rent, we beat her, etc... .and the list goes on. I just can't understand how someone can treat the family they love in such a way. I've read all about BPD and I know what causes them to act the way they do, but I just can't wrap my brain around how someone can claim to love another person and yet treat them so horribly. The lack of empathy confounds me.

[Kate4queen]

I'm sorry for what you are going through and can only sympathize. My son left the day after his 21st birthday (after also making sure he got all his presents and cash) and moved in with another family who he insisted were 'more supportive and better parents to him than we had ever been."

I felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart because man, I gave that kid 150% of everything I was, dealt with his physical disabilities, drug use, pain killer addiction, mental abuse, attempt to stab me... .etc etc and yet apparently we never understood him or were good parents.

He's never come back home but that was also our decision. After a while we realized how much happier and healthier all the rest of the family were with him gone.

We haven't seen him face to face for about 2 years.

it still hurts. I'll always feel like I failed him but I've also realized I can only do so much. Being here, being sane and being able to offer him a hand when he is drowning rather than jumping in and drowning alongside him is the best I can do at the moment. One day I do hope he will reach out to us, but I'm at peace with my choices at the moment.

Time is a great healer. Be kind to yourself