Feel sad miss her

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Its been three months since my fiance left with a bang and 10 days since I last text her after I found her on dating sites .  The woman left and within less than a week was fine about the whole thing (didnt show any compassion or understanding towards the hurt she caused )  and has acted like we were dating for 6 weeks not 6 year.  I saw my T today (first time I've needed therapy in 12 years ) my life's in broken pieces and she is out having fun  and dating her feelings for me dead as a doornail and I'm left her missing her and picking up the emotional , and financial mess she has left me in ...

I badly want her to acknowledge me and the last 6 years but she just ignores me unless she wants something and has blocked removed all friends and family from FB

Help with ideas how to simply stop missing her / us

[dobie]

Its been three months since my fiance left with a bang and 10 days since I last text her after I found her on dating sites .  The woman left and within less than a week was fine about the whole thing (didnt show any compassion or understanding towards the hurt she caused )  and has acted like we were dating for 6 weeks not 6 year.  I saw my T today (first time I've needed therapy in 12 years ) my life's in broken pieces and she is out having fun  and dating her feelings for me dead as a doornail and I'm left her missing her and picking up the emotional , and financial mess she has left me in ...

I badly want her to acknowledge me and the last 6 years but she just ignores me unless she wants something and has blocked removed all friends and family from FB

Help with ideas how to simply stop missing her / us

[Hazelrah]

I've been right where you are, Dobie... .but it can get better.  It's embarrassingly trite, but it's true.  I'm sorry you have to experience this.  I was devastated in much the same way you are, and asking all the same questions.  Time and a fierce dedication to recovery helped me get beyond the worst of it, and things are much better some 18 months following a break-up I never thought I could recover from. 

Below is what worked for me after my marriage w/ a BPD wife ended incredibly abruptly... .the steps themselves are remarkably simple in theory, though I know how hard they are to take.

1) NC as much as was humanly possible--divorce proceedings turned out to be very simple for me, so that helped.  I was lucky in that regard.

2) Therapy, and lots of it.  A good therapist can help you get out of that habitual self-flagellation that many of us go through after something like this. 

3) Staying busy and being around 'my people' as much as possible.  I can be a hermit when things fall apart, but I knew I couldn't allow myself to sink into a hole all alone.

4) Physical activity--again, something  of a rote suggestion.  And for some people, easier said than done.  But getting back to working out did wonders for my self-esteem, which had been shattered.

5) Delving back into things that you love--I'm a musician, and re-dedicating myself to my band and my craft got the endorphins going once again.

6) Stop asking for reason/logic about a person who will never be able to provide it.  This person will, in all likelihood, never provide an explanation that will provide any closure or solace--you'll just have to accept this at some point.

7) This site--I can't tell you how much these boards meant to me through those  first six months... .both being helped and, in turn, trying to help others.  Been away for about a year, but came back for some maintenance around the holidays.

You're still in the early going... .it's a painfully slow process, but there are people here to help you through it.

[dobie]

Thanks hazelrah she was a HF with BPD traits so I never really understood what I was dealing with till after we broke up and her behaviours post BU  as well as coming out of the FOG and looking back at all the red flags I ignored or missed .

Plus family and friends only decided to tell me the same things post BU 

[Hazelrah]

Thanks hazelrah she was a HF with BPD traits so I never really understood what I was dealing with till after we broke up and her behaviours post BU  as well as coming out of the FOG and looking back at all the red flags I ignored or missed .

Plus family and friends only decided to tell me the same things post BU 

I wasn't entirely sure what I was dealing with either those first few years; the eventual diagnosis put a name to it, and felt like an 'a-ha!' moment, but knowing the issue and navigating it successfully are two different things.  Funny though, my family and friends were blind-sided by our divorce--they always thought we were the veritable 'perfect couple'.  She was good at saving her dysfunction for the privacy of our home.

I've read some of your prior posts, and there are a ton of similarities, even down to the lack of empathy for a dying pet (though mine somehow made a miraculous recovery).  Though my pwBPD fits the waif description, the behaviors are very familiar.  I know what you're going through, for sure.

[dobie]

Yes my xfiance is the waif type which makes the BPD harder to spot as there is no extreme impulsive behaviours etc

Mine even looked like a waif thin, small AlWAYS I'll ... .

A 30 year old highly successful executive with the emotional playbook of an infant !

Its her cunning and selfish non empathetic behaviours I find so startling  

The projection as well I'm "immature" for not recognising her mobile number after I got a xmass text never mind her long list of childish and spiteful behaviours post BU .

And again always the blame , they want you to fix everything in life for them how they feel as well as the r/s itself if something is wrong in the r/s then it must be all me .

"We are not right for each other " = you don't give me xyz so your yesterdays trash .

"We bicker all the time" = yes because you are always critical and in a bad mood .

"I find you exhausting " = I want you to do everything

"I've grown up" = yes because mature adults act like you

"I want more out of life " = I want to be 21 drinking and enjoying male attention , I'm

Not ready to be a wife or mother as I'm too immature and self centered .

"I'm not happy" you are never happy (yes that's your fault)

Blame , blame , resentment , blame

[Deeno02]

Thanks hazelrah she was a HF with BPD traits so I never really understood what I was dealing with till after we broke up and her behaviours post BU  as well as coming out of the FOG and looking back at all the red flags I ignored or missed .

Plus family and friends only decided to tell me the same things post BU 

I had zero clue what BPD was until after the b/u. Been almost 5 months for me, but its slowly getting better. Yes, she moved on a week after dumping me. If you read these posts, you going to find laughable simularities from all of us posting. Its the strangest thing how people from across the globe are posting the same things about their ex's. Hang in there and try the best you can to follow those suggestions from Hazelrah. They do help.

[dobie]

Man things like this should have set red flags

" I know its selfish but I don't want your dad to get I'll again (he nearly died a month before)  and ruin our holiday "

" chasing me when I had a gf , cheating on her x"

Post BU let's be friends me : I don't want to know about your new bf her : don't worry I can be discrete I.e lie to him and me .

" I would kill myself if something happened to you " (three weeks before BU)

After BU laughing I was just being dramatic .

"You have given me moments of INTENSE happiness "

" I can't be happy because something always goes wrong " .

" I'm not depressed you are "

" how else could I have broken up with you I'm a good person "

"I'm taking your advice I'm going to take my friends as I find them "

Post BU " I don't like how your family treat you " my family are awesome

"I don't need a friend I now have friends "

" I should have left you years ago (one week later accuses me of lying and making that up )

" this bu,is really hard on me as well I've had a longer journey to work because of it "


" its OK for you , I've got to start again and pay lots of money for a new flat " she earns 100k + i earn 15k and then proceeds to strip our flat of everything .

[dobie]

Helps and hurts at the same time to think post BU she didn't give a damm how I was doing the best I got was a "are you OK x" .

How can I miss someone who clearly does not a damm give ?

But then how could I have failed to notice in the r/s how selfish and self serving she is ?

Weeks before the BU she was taking me to wedding venue ... .crazy stuff

Did anyone else notice her easy there pwBPD was to manipulate by people they trusted ? Her father was like a God she hung on his words most of the time ... I saw this post BU with her friends as well .

[Hazelrah]

Did anyone else notice her easy there pwBPD was to manipulate by people they trusted ? Her father was like a God she hung on his words most of the time ... I saw this post BU with her friends as well .

Absolutely--they can 'mirror' other people in their lives besides their SO.  My pwBPD followed directly in her sister's footsteps in very short order when her sibling got involved with a creepy bi-polar chap who was (1) still married, and (2) already cheating on his wife with a second mistress besides herself.  She eventually divorced her husband to be with this flake.  I think my ex-wife was seduced by this newfound 'excitement' she perceived in her sister's life, and was quick to rekindle an old flame with a troubled creep she'd previously been involved with... .a person who had supposedly scared her deeply with his troubling behavior in the past; and also a person who had been painted midnight black just a few years before.

If you read enough about the disorder, a lot of these baffling behaviors are, at the very least, common, if not rational and understandable.  Doesn't make it any less painful, I know.   

[dobie]

Did anyone else notice her easy there pwBPD was to manipulate by people they trusted ? Her father was like a God she hung on his words most of the time ... I saw this post BU with her friends as well .

Absolutely--they can 'mirror' other people in their lives besides their SO.  My pwBPD followed directly in her sister's footsteps in very short order when her sibling got involved with a creepy bi-polar chap who was (1) still married, and (2) already cheating on his wife with a second mistress besides herself.  She eventually divorced her husband to be with this flake.  I think my ex-wife was seduced by this newfound 'excitement' she perceived in her sister's life, and was quick to rekindle an old flame with a troubled creep she'd previously been involved with... .a person who had supposedly scared her deeply with his troubling behavior in the past; and also a person who had been painted midnight black just a few years before.

If you read enough about the disorder, a lot of these baffling behaviors are, at the very least, common, if not rational and understandable.  :)oesn't make it any less painful, I know.    

God sounds erriely familiar my xpBPD gets new single GF and suddenly its all about bars / clubs (she used to hate these) gigs and "having fun" such a user when she had no friends it was me/us I sort of felt this coming but I just wanted her to be happy and have friends .

Her GF was very jealous of me/us as well the same GF she went to Spain with to "test her feelings for me " the same GF I'm now told I don't need you as a friend as I have friends .

Now she is out all the time living the single life and hooking up with guys (pathetic) . its like she wants fun and excitement and to live like a 21 year old (fair enough but don't be such a c**t on the way out ) to someone who loved and cared for you and wanted to make you his wife .

Her fathers npd/BPD alcoholic scum bags influence on her as well . I mean he said we should buy a house she wants to buy a house . he says she should be out enjoying herself she leaves me to "find herself" .I knew her actions were his post BU as well because she kept saying out of context to any discussion we had "you don't like my dad" .

Total flake

[dobie]

I noticed a lot of pwBPD tend to leave important things behind after a BU mine didn't but she took all my family photos and financial statements one to make sure she got back her laptop and two in case I tried to " her over" (paranoid)


She also never once said in the r/s I "hate you" .

Its like she just wants me to disappear completely ... .she was upset in the first week when I told her I was blocking her and her family from FB as she thought I wanted to add girls or completely forget her and them . I explained I didn't just that it hurt too much to look .   Now 11 weeks in she has blocked all my family / friends

Three months and the best I got was "hope you had a nice xmass x " . "sorry I upset you x " and "are you OK x"

My question is if she had strong BPD traits should I have heard I hate you and should she have left important stuff behind ? Seems a common theme on the boards .

[Hazelrah]

I noticed a lot of pwBPD tend to leave important things behind after a BU mine didn't but she took all my family photos and financial statements one to make sure she got back her laptop and two in case I tried to " her over" (paranoid)


She also never once said in the r/s I "hate you" .

Its like she just wants me to disappear completely ... .she was upset in the first week when I told her I was blocking her and her family from FB as she thought I wanted to add girls or completely forget her and them . I explained I didn't just that it hurt too much to look .   Now 11 weeks in she has blocked all my family / friends

Three months and the best I got was "hope you had a nice xmass x " . "sorry I upset you x " and "are you OK x"

My question is if she had strong BPD traits should I have heard I hate you and should she have left important stuff behind ? Seems a common theme on the boards .

There is no 'once size fits all' rule that can be applied to pwBPD.  Though, as you've learned, many traits work to define the disorder, they are still individuals... .they are still people.  The level of the disorder, their past experiences, and the subject relationship really help to shape and define each particular case. 

The fact she seemingly wants you to 'disappear' isn't uncommon--it's likely a reaction to any shame she's feeling about the situation.  Blocking it out helps suppress those unwanted feelings--it's not just a BPD characteristic... .'nons' can do this, too.

Personally, I never heard "I hate you"... .in fact, mine continued to profess her love while disappearing with a former beau.  Doesn't mean she wasn't a pwBPD--she  most certainly was. 

Dobie, what are you currently doing for yourself right now?  Are you going to continue seeing your T and stick with NC?  Are there any healthy outlets you can take to start breaking yourself of your ruminating cycle?  I've been there, believe me--I was the king of rumination.  I also learned that beginning to break that cycle was a huge step in starting to recover.

[dobie]

Thanks hazelreh ,


Yeah I'm seeing my T still NC (though days like today I just want to send her a 44 page email about how much resentment I feel for how she has treated me ) I went for a promotion at work , been dating (not really interested though) seeing friends , family going to take up a martial art . its all so shocking its like the blinkers are off and I'm seeing her and that's hard because one part is like what the heck how did I tolerate / excuse this devaluation , resentment and bad treatment of me for so long and the other is wow please come back what happened I'm still in shock ! . I still don't know 100% if she has BPD traits she was never diagnosed but she sure as hell fits a lot of the criteria of the waif/hermit BPDer . if not she is one selfish evil ice queen

She really did a number on me from weeks before the BU planning our wedding to stripping the house of pretty much everything , ruining my birthday taking back my presents , forcing me to rehome our dog who later died , charging me for anything she left behind spewing resentment and hate and anger to me down the phone never once apologising for a single action and having the cheek to project and call me "childish" for deleting her number and telling me "she is a good person" . blaming me or us for everything never her and just showing a total lack of feeling for her actions on the man she professed to love . and then telling me when I'm feeling better we should meet for coffee and be friends ?

[dobie]

The worse thing is I miss her like crazy but I can't get her back and I can't even make her understand how badly she has treated me I might as well tell a brick wall

[Hazelrah]

Thanks hazelreh ,


Yeah I'm seeing my T still NC (though days like today I just want to send her a 44 page email about how much resentment I feel for how she has treated me ) I went for a promotion at work , been dating (not really interested though) seeing friends , family going to take up a martial art . its all so shocking its like the blinkers are off and I'm seeing her and that's hard because one part is like what the heck how did I tolerate / excuse this devaluation , resentment and bad treatment of me for so long and the other is wow please come back what happened I'm still in shock ! . I still don't know 100% if she has BPD traits she was never diagnosed but she sure as hell fits a lot of the criteria of the waif/hermit BPDer . if not she is one selfish evil ice queen

She really did a number on me from weeks before the BU planning our wedding to stripping the house of pretty much everything , ruining my birthday taking back my presents , forcing me to rehome our dog who later died , charging me for anything she left behind spewing resentment and hate and anger to me down the phone never once apologising for a single action and having the cheek to project and call me "childish" for deleting her number and telling me "she is a good person" . blaming me or us for everything never her and just showing a total lack of feeling for her actions on the man she professed to love . and then telling me when I'm feeling better we should meet for coffee and be friends ?

Since we want to keep NC, the e-mail is probably something that won't serve to help in any way.  You're not going to get any kind of apology, and you're likely to get more deflection and anger from her.  Sounds like you already know that, however.

One thing I did in those early days (after I learned direct communication was a dead-end) was write letters that I envisioned I would send to the ex, but not actually send/e-mail them.  I'd put everything I had into those writings, read them countless times, but then hold on to them for myself.  It might not be for everyone, but it helped me release at least part of the anguish I was feeling--seeing the words were cathartic in some weird way.  But I stopped sharing these intense feelings with her.  I came to understand that I would always be to blame for everything wrong in her life at that given time, no matter how much rational evidence I could provide to the contrary... .which, as we all learn, is not the way to communicate with a pwBPD. 

Whether or not she can be clinically diagnosed as BPD might not be that important--her behavior is damaging to you, and your health depends on breaking away from her.  It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things--stick with them, my friend.

[dobie]

Thanks hazelrah I've written a "thousand emails" , even recorded video messages they do help .  its the when I'm not thinking about the r/s is when I'm like damm I'm here now she isint I'm bored and blue ... .crazy I know .

[dobie]

Nearly broke NC after a few drinks but managed to restrain myself . its hard after six years with someone to suddenly not have them there and to question how long ago they disengaged from the r/s I'm thinking in my case probably 12-18 months of her flip flopping but keeping it mostly hidden .

Crazy after all that time together  I can't even be civil with her and talk to her as a friend  without getting resentment , uncaring or just ignored .

Funny while in the stages of the BU she said if she saw me she would have come back for 1-2 years (object constancy) but at the same time told me she could see our lives for the next 20 being crappy .

[Jack2727]

I just don't get how you can spend so much time, money, and energy with someone and they can dump you like notning? It seems you guys have gone through exactly what I have. My gf broke up with three days before Christmas. A week after I lost my job. She is totally out of my life. Now, it wasn't six years but its was seven emotional months. How can someone just disconnect? It's hard for me to understand.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I just don't get how you can spend so much time, money, and energy with someone and they can dump you like notning? It seems you guys have gone through exactly what I have. My gf broke up with three days before Christmas. A week after I lost my job. She is totally out of my life. Now, it wasn't six years but its was seven emotional months. How can someone just disconnect? It's hard for me to understand.

Try 9.5 yrs. That much time to decide she was straight again. I don't even get the enjoyment of looking back and even believing that one second of our relationship was even real. December would have been our tenth anniversary. Instead all of it was a lie. It's gotten worse for me in the last 4 weeks than it was in the first 4 months (it's now been 5). She talks to her exH, who she hates with a passion, more than we have. Our last conversation, by email, was 2 months ago. And even that was the most in 2.5 months. Now I can't even make it through a single day w/o crying. And I'm hoarse from screaming at her alone in my home. She's not there, of course, but I've got to yell at her somehow. Mind you I never yelled at her once in our relationship.

And it really bugs the hell out of me knowing that whoever this new great white hope bf is, that he has no idea she is a closet lesbian, who married her first husband because it was the right thing to do, and will probably marry him, so she won't have to face her real self. And he certainly doesn't know she was in a committed long term relationship. She's in her mid 40s, a therapist, and has known she was attracted to women since early high school. And she counsels kids at least once a week in her job they need to be true to themselves. It mystifies me.

[Jack2727]

My ex's mom was a closet lesbian who left her dad for a woman. I think my ex and her mom had such a bad relationship because they both were the same. Sometimes I wondered if my ex was a lesbian. She was so sexual when we first met and then it just disappeared. I stuck around hoping that it would come back and never did. I hear you man. In a weird way its good to know Im not alone. Do you find yourself just yelling out load when you drive and when youre alone? It's amazing what these people can do to us. I wish you hapiness man!

[ShadowIntheNight]

My ex's mom was a closet lesbian who left her dad for a woman. I think my ex and her mom had such a bad relationship because they both were the same. Sometimes I wondered if my ex was a lesbian. She was so sexual when we first met and then it just disappeared. I stuck around hoping that it would come back and never did. I hear you man. In a weird way its good to know Im not alone. Do you find yourself just yelling out load when you drive and when youre alone? It's amazing what these people can do to us. I wish you hapiness man!

Sorry, I am a woman. We were in a lesbian relationship for 9.5 yrss. Prior to that she was married to her exH, with whom she has two kids, for 10 yrs. Now she is back to dating men, even tho she has known since high school she was attracted to women. And no, in 9.5 yrs we did not stop having sex, contrary to lesbian death bed myths.

I don't yell in the car. Fortunately. My home is large enough as is the lot it sits on that I am sure the neighbors don't hear. But I feel handcuffed in just having my life ripped apart from me. She put a typed note into a birthday card she sent to me and let me know she had been dating men all summer. No rebuttals. No kiss my rear. Nothing. Amazingly,,she didn't even say I don't love you anymore. She'd just as well put a gun to my chest and pulled the trigger.

And thanks for ur kindness. I thought I was happy, and obviously this level of pain lets me know I cared too much. Clearly her pain may one day be in knowing that she's stuck in a loveless marriage again. But, hey! At least people won't think she's gay... .

[Infared]

The worse thing is I miss her like crazy but I can't get her back and I can't even make her understand how badly she has treated me I might as well tell a brick wall

I agree with the list that Hazelrah gave you... .these are all simple things that are very hard to do when we are in the difficult emotional state that we find ourselves in after the abrupt, abusive break-up. EVERYTHING he mentioned is spot on. Just keep it simple, put one foot in front of the other and slowly move forward. Try not to beat yourself up and do things that equate to "loving you". Sounds like you are doing so many good things.

I would also mention to stay away from booze and drugs (escape), as this avoids processing your feelings.

It took time to walk into this mess, it will take time to wade out.

Also, I experienced no empathy or closure from my ex (she ran off with someone and totally lied to everyone in her life about it) and all she wanted was for me to vaporize so that she could immaturely just have her new relationship with no consequences. (Please just disappear now, can't you see I have a new life here?).    

It was brutally abrupt, totally self-centered and downright cruel. We are left to fend for ourselves... .

Realizing we are totally on our own is a large part of the healing process.  Looking to them for any honesty or love is a total waste of our time and very damaging to us. NC for me, was vital for recovery. I think you are doing well and doing the right things just give it some time and keep doing what you are doing... .it gets better.

[Deeno02]

I just don't get how you can spend so much time, money, and energy with someone and they can dump you like notning? It seems you guys have gone through exactly what I have. My gf broke up with three days before Christmas. A week after I lost my job. She is totally out of my life. Now, it wasn't six years but its was seven emotional months. How can someone just disconnect? It's hard for me to understand.

I know Jack. It's the hardest part I have. Discarded like a used Kleenex, then pulls another out of the box. I made a mistake and broke NC to tell her I was glad she was happy, got a pretty cold reply back. Shouldn't have done it, but I did. Just confirms that she has zero feelings for me at all. Oh well. Sorry you feel that way. It's been very hard for me here at the 5 month mark after a 16 month r/s. Hang in there buddy.

[dobie]

Well its been two weeks NC since I caught her on dating sites and ratted her out ...

She no doubt has a new supply as well , and my finding her looking and my angry reaction even more reason for her sick Mind to disengage and walk further away after all anything bad I do is my fault and anything bad she does is my fault as well  


Looking back the anger and resentment has been probably building for 24 months and no matter how much I tried or how hard it was building like a poison till it reached critical mass . her BPD/NPD father egging her on and enabling her all the way

[Hazelrah]

Well its been two weeks NC since I caught her on dating sites and ratted her out ...

Good for you, Dobie... .two weeks is a start.  It sounds as if the lack of contact is giving you a chance to gain a little perspective into her behavior.   

What has this 'quiet period' done for you?  How have you used it to your own benefit?

[dobie]

Well its been two weeks NC since I caught her on dating sites and ratted her out ...

Good for you, Dobie... .two weeks is a start.  It sounds as if the lack of contact is giving you a chance to gain a little perspective into her behavior.    

What has this 'quiet period' done for you?  How have you used it to your own benefit?

Just tried to accept it all as best I can . if she is disorded than I can't even feel angry,  more sad  its hard to know because I don't know . I'm trying to focus on me more ruminate less I'm getting there .last night I watched a few of my fave TV shows let me mind take a rest . didn't get the job I wanted but decided to treat myself to something I really want that will make me feel good . unblocked her mom/sis on FB I'm not being as childish as she is .

Second app with my T tommorow .

[Hazelrah]

Well its been two weeks NC since I caught her on dating sites and ratted her out ...

Good for you, Dobie... .two weeks is a start.  It sounds as if the lack of contact is giving you a chance to gain a little perspective into her behavior.    

What has this 'quiet period' done for you?  How have you used it to your own benefit?

Just tried to accept it all as best I can . if she is disorded than I can't even feel angry,  more sad  its hard to know because I don't know . I'm trying to focus on me more ruminate less I'm getting there .last night I watched a few of my fave TV shows let me mind take a rest . didn't get the job I wanted but decided to treat myself to something I really want that will make me feel good . unblocked her mom/sis on FB I'm not being as childish as she is .

Second app with my T tommorow .

Those are really good first steps... .simple in theory, but not easy to begin.  Keep at it--you are off to a good start.

One thing to maybe give consideration to is keeping the FB block on her mom and sister... .not as a spiteful act, but to eliminate accidentally (or intentionally) getting any updates on your ex.  Inadvertently seeing her on FB, especially when you're healing, could be difficult.  If you are still friendly with them, I can understand why that might be hard or not an option.  Just a suggestion, however. 

Good luck w/ your next appointment--I hope you and your T develop a good relationship.  It'll really help moving forward.

[Jack2727]

My ex's mom was a closet lesbian who left her dad for a woman. I think my ex and her mom had such a bad relationship because they both were the same. Sometimes I wondered if my ex was a lesbian. She was so sexual when we first met and then it just disappeared. I stuck around hoping that it would come back and never did. I hear you man. In a weird way its good to know Im not alone. Do you find yourself just yelling out load when you drive and when youre alone? It's amazing what these people can do to us. I wish you hapiness man!

Sorry, I am a woman. We were in a lesbian relationship for 9.5 yrss. Prior to that she was married to her exH, with whom she has two kids, for 10 yrs. Now she is back to dating men, even tho she has known since high school she was attracted to women. And no, in 9.5 yrs we did not stop having sex, contrary to lesbian death bed myths.

I don't yell in the car. Fortunately. My home is large enough as is the lot it sits on that I am sure the neighbors don't hear. But I feel handcuffed in just having my life ripped apart from me. She put a typed note into a birthday card she sent to me and let me know she had been dating men all summer. No rebuttals. No kiss my rear. Nothing. Amazingly,,she didn't even say I don't love you anymore. She'd just as well put a gun to my chest and pulled the trigger.

And thanks for ur kindness. I thought I was happy, and obviously this level of pain lets me know I cared too much. Clearly her pain may one day be in knowing that she's stuck in a loveless marriage again. But, hey! At least people won't think she's gay... .

I wish the best for you! I just wish there was a way we could know what we were getting into before it is too late. She is only going to cause more pain. I feel bad for the men she has been with, and God forbid if they become attached. Yeah, they can say I love you and then abandon you cold and cruelly. The sad thing is that there is nothing you can say or do that will make them see how f'ed up they truly are.  :'(

[Jack2727]

I just don't get how you can spend so much time, money, and energy with someone and they can dump you like notning? It seems you guys have gone through exactly what I have. My gf broke up with three days before Christmas. A week after I lost my job. She is totally out of my life. Now, it wasn't six years but its was seven emotional months. How can someone just disconnect? It's hard for me to understand.

I know Jack. It's the hardest part I have. Discarded like a used Kleenex, then pulls another out of the box. I made a mistake and broke NC to tell her I was glad she was happy, got a pretty cold reply back. Shouldn't have done it, but I did. Just confirms that she has zero feelings for me at all. Oh well. Sorry you feel that way. It's been very hard for me here at the 5 month mark after a 16 month r/s. Hang in there buddy.

Doesn't it seem that they like to rub it in as well? I know my ex is eventually going to post pics on FB with a new guy. The ex right before her did the same thing. I won't contact E. I know she will give me a cold response. The funny thing is that I know that she will eventually revalue me. As much as I hate it and it hurts I need to persevere. As much as I know it would hurt I wish I knew the truth. Thanks for the support. Hopefully it will become easier for both of us.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I just don't get how you can spend so much time, money, and energy with someone and they can dump you like notning? It seems you guys have gone through exactly what I have. My gf broke up with three days before Christmas. A week after I lost my job. She is totally out of my life. Now, it wasn't six years but its was seven emotional months. How can someone just disconnect? It's hard for me to understand.

I know Jack. It's the hardest part I have. Discarded like a used Kleenex, then pulls another out of the box. I made a mistake and broke NC to tell her I was glad she was happy, got a pretty cold reply back. Shouldn't have done it, but I did. Just confirms that she has zero feelings for me at all. Oh well. Sorry you feel that way. It's been very hard for me here at the 5 month mark after a 16 month r/s. Hang in there buddy.

Doesn't it seem that they like to rub it in as well? I know my ex is eventually going to post pics on FB with a new guy. The ex right before her did the same thing. I won't contact E. I know she will give me a cold response. The funny thing is that I know that she will eventually revalue me. As much as I hate it and it hurts I need to persevere. As much as I know it would hurt I wish I knew the truth. Thanks for the support. Hopefully it will become easier for both of us.

Thanks Jack. I appreciate your kind words and I know that one day it may be better for all of us. You're a valued person now.