SURVEY | Was your relationship ever physically abusive?

[hurting300]

I do not believe in hitting a woman unless she hits first. But how could you not knock her teeth out?

Yup,  there's more.  She said my daughter looks like a witch, and also made fun of my son, she actually tried schooling them on how children should behave when their father has in relationship there how respectful they should be, she told that they were disrespectful ungrateful children.  She would call them when she could not get a hold of me because I was either sleeping or in the shower and say stupid things like is your father at the bar again?  A good friend of mine that goes to the local bar in my town told me that there are many phone calls there where they ask is targeted here?  It's funny because I do not even hang out bars. But in the end When I broke up with her because I found her on to dating site again she repeatedly called child services on me to try and hurt me there,  WHO DOES THAT?  

[Skip]

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[Infern0]

Mine hurt her hand punching me. I'm surprised I wasn't hauled in front of the firing squad.

Don't hit women,  it's not on no matter what

[ForeverDad]

Because if police are called or it goes to the courts, it doesn't matter that the person of the male gender was hit first by the person of the female gender.  In many places a man is held accountable for hitting a woman regardless the provocation.

Try going to court and see what happens when asked, ":)id you hit her?" and you reply "Yes, but she was hitting me first."  They won't care about the "Yes but... ."  All that matters is the "Yes".

Self-preservation from a legal standpoint dictates that the man retreat and even that can be problematic.  Many members here have reported that the exit was blocked and all they did was brush past and the allegation was made that "He grabbed me and slammed me up against the wall and threw me down the stairs."  And all the prosecutor asks is ":)id you touch her?" and you respond (with that infamous 'Yes but... .' "Yes but just to get past her so I could leave."  And prosecutor say, "So you were the aggressor! If there is conflict you never even touch the other person."

This is not to say no one ever gets away with it.  But most of us here are Nice Gals and Nice Guys who aren't slick enough or street-savvy enough to slip through the legal system with ease.

Yes, it sounds jaded how I tell it, but a brief moment of 'justice' can get you in real trouble with the 'judicial' system and have lasting impact on your freedom, parenting, work and other facets of your future life.

[Ripped Heart]

I'm with trog here and it doesn't matter if it's a male or a female.

My exN/BPDw would get into some nasty rages, back me into a corner, use physical violence herself just to try and provoke me into a response. We have a choice and the best option is to walk away.

Lashing out with fists, whether it's male or female is a sign that you are NOT in control. Believe me, I thought about it so many times with exN/BPDw but the moment the thought entered my head I would head out the door and go for a walk. If I was really angry I would head down the gym or kickboxing. Nothing like a bit of controlled aggression to release that anger.

The second you feel yourself losing control of you, walk away and allow yourself to calm down.

[Targeted]

The frustration may be there to trigger impulsivity to do such a thing and the emotional desire to do so is understandable but that's what separates us from people like that,  I would rather walk away bleeding and have to go to the ER with a story to tell than to ever strike back physically at a woman,  even all I have been through I could NEVER,  but that is a good topic for a thread?    Did your ex pwBPD ever try to provoke physical violence out of you? 

[fromheeltoheal]

My ex used to punch the crap out of me and I'd usually laugh because it didn't hurt and I wanted to piss her off.  Although one time she'd been a b___ for hours and punched me in the face, and it took absolutely everything I had to not beat the crap out of her; almost snapped and 1% more and I'd be typing this from jail.  Then again, I might have been able to get her arrested that night, bleeding on the cop might have helped, didn't think of that at the time though.

[cosmonaut]

Real men don't hit women.  Period.  Surprised this is even being discussed.

[ADecadeLost]

Man or woman.  I don't ever see a need to hit back.  Unless MY life is in imminent danger (which likely means I put myself into a situation I shouldn't be in to begin with), I've never felt the need to throw a punch. 

Even when my BPDex took a few swings (slaps) at me early on, I just laughed and walked away.  It frustrated the hell out of her and eventually she realized I wasn't going to react the way she wanted, so she quit.

[Perfidy]

I'm a large to extra large guy. 6' 200 lb. She was tiny. 5' at less than a buck. She hit me close to fifty times and threw stuff at me. She spit in my face just out if the blue. She slapped me, punched me, spit on me and threw things at me. I wasn't provoking her deliberately. I'm not even sure why she did these things to me. When she would do these things I normally was paying attention to someone else. She punched me repeatedly once while my son and I were talking about having a barbecue party at my house. I wasn't even talking to her. She spit in my face when I was talking with a male friend of mine at a bar over drinks. Her physical attacks were not deliberately provoked. I'm sure she did it for attention due to lack of good communication skills.

After about five years of this, I finally slapped her across the face and she never did it again. It was about half an hour after she threw something at me and hit me on top of the head with it. I was in bed sleeping. I didn't strike out of anger. I thought about it. I wanted her to know how it felt when someone that loved her hurt her physically. Dumb. I know. She's the not one I ever laid a finger on that way. It took a lot to get to that point for me. I felt horrible afterward. Neither of us called the cops on one another. Maybe we should have. The whole thing was just plain stupid. These folks will do their damnedest to drag you into the nuthouse with them.

[Mutt]

I'd like to add to what everyone said so far.

I have a D9 and I'd sure not want a man to hit her.

[Perfidy]

A good morale compass should provide a way for nobody to hit anybody.

[Pingo]

A good morale compass should provide a way for nobody to hit anybody.

I think this is a good point.  I think everyone has their breaking point, male or female.  No one is a stone.  I think it's important to know where your breaking point is so you never let it get to that point. 

I've never hit a man in my life (or woman) and I cannot imagine doing so unless I was defending myself and feared for my well-being.  Truly some of the stories I have read on this site and thread are shocking to me.  How anyone, male or female, could justify hitting someone is beyond me.  I'm sorry to the men (and women) on here who have experienced this. 

[Mr Hollande]

I've often wondered if beating up the BPD ex is the elephant in the room here. I hit mine towards the end. It was about as futile and pointless as loving her was.

[Hazelrah]

Surprised this is even being discussed.

Right on.  Not that the discussion has turned that way, but I'd hate to see the obligatory tough guy come out of the woodwork and say 'objecting to hitting a woman is further evidence of the wussification of today's man'.  This site doesn't need that crap.

[fromheeltoheal]

On the other hand, there's another side of life where violence is the norm, and those folks are pretty desensitized so might not show up on a site like this.  For the record I've never hit a woman and think it is wrong, although I've also been in situations where I really wasn't thinking straight, I'm sure many of you can relate.  Anyway, my ex was raised in a brutal environment, poor working class, bikers, drug addicts, drinkers, and plenty of abuse and neglect, the things that created the disorder to begin with.  She's had many, many boyfriends, and there were really two types, who responded differently when they caught her cheating, which she always did: half of them would leave and the other half would kick her ass, and here's the clincher, she considered that normal behavior.  She's passing it on too: her son slept with another man's wife, so the husband came over and shot his two dogs dead.  Yes, this side of life does exist, in fact me, someone who hasn't been in a fight since 5th grade, was considered a pussy in that world, since that's how 'men' resolve issues.  It's also why there are cops.

[Skip]

She's passing it on too: her son slept with another man's wife, so the husband came over and shot his two dogs dead.  Yes, this side of life does exist... .

This is hard to read - for all involved.

[Skip]

I've often wondered if beating up the BPD ex is the elephant in the room here. I hit mine towards the end. It was about as futile and pointless as loving her was.

Our bad acts, in general, are the elephant in the room.  We have hosted the threads about our members cheating.  That is an elephant in some of the rooms.

But lets put it in a poll... .get it on the table.

Surprised this is even being discussed.

Right on.  Not that the discussion has turned that way, but I'd hate to see the obligatory tough guy come out of the woodwork and say 'objecting to hitting a woman is further evidence of the wussification of today's man'.  This site doesn't need that crap.

I will ask that no one posture here - truth, no bravado.

[clydegriffith]

Because if police are called or it goes to the courts, it doesn't matter that the person of the male gender was hit first by the person of the female gender.  In many places a man is held accountable for hitting a woman regardless the provocation.

Try going to court and see what happens when asked, ":)id you hit her?" and you reply "Yes, but she was hitting me first."  They won't care about the "Yes but... ."  All that matters is the "Yes".

Self-preservation from a legal standpoint dictates that the man retreat and even that can be problematic.  Many members here have reported that the exit was blocked and all they did was brush past and the allegation was made that "He grabbed me and slammed me up against the wall and threw me down the stairs."  And all the prosecutor asks is ":)id you touch her?" and you respond (with that infamous 'Yes but... .' "Yes but just to get past her so I could leave."  And prosecutor say, "So you were the aggressor! If there is conflict you never even touch the other person."

This is not to say no one ever gets away with it.  But most of us here are Nice Gals and Nice Guys who aren't slick enough or street-savvy enough to slip through the legal system with ease.

Yes, it sounds jaded how I tell it, but a brief moment of 'justice' can get you in real trouble with the 'judicial' system and have lasting impact on your freedom, parenting, work and other facets of your future life.

This is true. The first of many police involvements between the BPDx and myself was initiated because i called the police when her rage had gone a little further than usual. I tried many times to leave but she would not let me. She threw herself on the floor in front of the door and i grabbed her ankles and dragged her way trying to escape. WHen the cops got there she told them that i dragged her around the house in a fit of rage and even though i was the one that called the cops, had a bloody nose, fat lip and my shirt was ripped, they arrested the both of us and not just her. The officer explained that the law where i live is that if the cops don't know who is telling the truth everyone gets arrested. That was the first of 4 arrests initiated by that monster.

[TheDude]

Nope. Never once either way in any situation in over 35 years since I started dating.

[Mr Hollande]

I hit or physically intimidated my last female partner

Nit picky perhaps but I have had two partners since my BPD ex and I haven't laid a finger on either of them so the word "last" is misleading. I did hit both my BPD ex's. There was a gap of almost ten years between them. The ones between one and two and the ones before one I never laid a hand on either. I'd feel more at ease taking part in the poll if "last" was replaced by "BPD". If not I'll respect the decision but I won't take part.

[bunnyrabit]

Hitting a woman is not wrong, such a statement is just plain sexist. Hitting someone that's physically weaker than you and/or has less fighting skills is wrong. I can assure you that not all women fall in that category. My ex for example, having done heavy physical labor all her life, is as strong (maybe stronger) as me. Oh and she can throw a mean punch too. A few months ago I had to lie to my to my coworkers about my black eyes, I told em that I was in a bar fight because I couldn't bring myself to tell them what really went down, if you know what I mean... .

[Waifed]

I have never struck a woman and I never would. My exBPD waif never hit me. She did go crazy one time after I caught her cheating and ripped my shirt off my body. My exwife (not BPD, at least I don't think) use to beat the sh1t out of me. She was a rager. She always felt bad afterwards but the damage was already done. I just covered my face and did the rope a dope Ali style.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have never struck a woman and I never would. My exBPD waif never hit me. She did go crazy one time after I caught her cheating and ripped my shirt off my body. My exwife (not BPD, at least I don't think) use to beat the sh1t out of me. She was a rager. She always felt bad afterwards but the damage was already done. I just covered my face and did the rope a dope Ali style.

Did you ever consider pressing charges Waifed?  Men don't hit women, that's the rule, and some women interpret that to mean they can flail away with impunity.  What's the answer?

[Waifed]

I have never struck a woman and I never would. My exBPD waif never hit me. She did go crazy one time after I caught her cheating and ripped my shirt off my body. My exwife (not BPD, at least I don't think) use to beat the sh1t out of me. She was a rager. She always felt bad afterwards but the damage was already done. I just covered my face and did the rope a dope Ali style.

Did you ever consider pressing charges Waifed?  Men don't hit women, that's the rule, and some women interpret that to mean they can flail away with impunity.  What's the answer?

I threatened to leave her if she didn't stop. It worked for several years but eventually she started doing it again the last few years of our marriage. She actually did it again twice after we divorced and also twice keyed my exBPD's car. Thankfully I could just walk away the first time after we divorced. The second time I called the police. She bit me and the officer wanted to see the bite marks. I refused to show him. I didn't want her arrested.

Ironically enough my 16 year old daughter called me last week at 2:30am from a resort they were staying at for NYE. My exwife was drunk and pulling her hair and scratching her. She then locked my daughter out of the room. I mentioned this to my therapist yesterday and today she called and said she was required to report it to Childhood Protective Services. So now I'm stressed about that. I think my picker is bad   . It's pretty bad when your BPDgf calls your exwife crazy! After 16 months of therapy I no longer crave that type of drama. It repulses me now.

[SlyQQ]

I am suprised something as passe as hitting someone is the point here Bpd s are far better at dishing out excruciating torture and KILLING people without lifting a finger an the courts cant do a thing hitting someone whoopee doo Seriously this thread had lost the plot There are people here saying they would NEVER hit a woman exery single one of these people is lying! Really I can list a dozen circumstances where it would be absolutely neccasary an why is hitting the bench mark this is a perpetration of a sick an gross unfairness people DO NOT GET what violence is i think

[fromheeltoheal]

There are people here saying they would NEVER hit a woman exery single one of these people is lying!

Well that's a pretty bold statement, you're right in my case though, I can sit here sober and calm and say hitting women is wrong, which I believe, but in certain circumstances, when I certainly have not been calm or even sane, I've nearly snapped, and she had it coming, believe me, but that doesn't make it right.  None of it was right.

[Mr Hollande]

The men don't hit women rule applies to normal circumstances where healthy people interact with each other. When BPD is involved everything normal goes out of the window. Everything! Everyone here knows that because they've been in the BPD trenches where total chaos and despair reigns.

[Skip]

The men don't hit women rule applies to normal circumstances where healthy people interact with each other. When BPD is involved everything normal goes out of the window.

How does this work exactly?  We live by the "don't hit women rule" except when we encounter a really frustrating women who we can't control? Does the don't shoot rule go out the window too?  

Hitting a partner is not about self defense. Read the psychology behind it.  It's about domination and control.

We are out of the relationships now.  So now is the time to do the personal inventory and see what is going on with us. I think it is fair to say that if we still find ourselves justifying why we hit our partner - we believe that it is the way to handle frustration.

[SlyQQ]

The last time I had to deal with this situation was when my SD got hit by her boyfriend.

The full story - she had been manic and had not slept for 5 days. Neither had he (or me much). He is the ripe old age of 19 and on the 5th day after being extremely difficult to handle (she was finally hospitalized that night after us trying to get her in the previous three days) she told him to hit her. Guess what he did?

She told me to hit her, too, but the situation was by no means extreme. I just patted her face hoping the shock which was what she was after would bring her back.

What he did was wrong but perfectly understandable. I explained what happened to her sister who appropriately told her sister to ____off when she complained he hit her, even though she doesn't like him with no further explanation.

While this situation is far from extreme, it drops in the understandable category for me.

I would like to add, that if a women grabbed most men by the bare scrotum, dug their nails in, and twisted leaving a few moments before permanent damage was done - most men would succumb an hit the woman (most not all).

I would like to add this is basically irrelevant and misses the main point.