Marcie
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« on: January 06, 2015, 05:57:59 PM » |
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Its a good read to see the catagories of Verbal abuse and responses.
The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans
Characteristics and Categories of Verbal Abuse
2. Countering
Countering, another category of verbal abuse is the dominant response of some verbal abusers. Since the abuser is in Reality 1, he sees his partner as an adversary. How dare she have a different view from his? If she sees things differently, he may feel he is losing control and dominance of her. Consequently, he may choose to argue against her thoughts, her perceptions, or her experience of life itself. As a category of verbal abuse, countering is one of the most destructive to a relationship because it prevents all possibility of discussion, it consistently denies the victims reality, and it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. An abuser who constantly counters seem only to think the opposite of his partner. She cannot know what he really thinks about anything. Therefore she cannot know him. A with-holder-counterer is almost unknowable. In Chapter V, interaction number 1, Curt countered Cora when Cora said, I think maybe when the weather changes rapidly from hot to cold At that moment Curt countered with, COOL! ts not cold! Its cool! In this interaction Curt countered Cora as if she had actually said it was cold. A verbal abuser may be so quick to counter his partner, he cannot hear her or allow her to finish her thought and, certainly, he cannot discern her tone of voice. Notice also that when Cora said I think maybe Curt could not allow Cora to have her own thoughts or her own view. When a verbal abuser counters his partner he does not preface his response with any phrase like, seems to me or, I think or, feel He simply says that what his partner has said isnt so. A confirmed verbal abuser who chooses countering as a means of domination and power over counters his partners thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. If she says, seems to me that or feel or think in his presence
3. Discounting
Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. If the partner does not recognize it for what is, she may spend years trying to figure out what is wrong with her or what is wrong with her ability to communicate. :)iscounting denies and distorts the partners actual perception of the abuse and is therefore, one of the most insidious forms of verbal abuse. One way to understand discounting is to imagine an item in a store worth one hundred dollars discounted to the extent that it is deemed valueless, worth nearly nothing. In reality the verbal abuser discounts his partners experience and feelings as if they were worth nothing. If the partner says, for example, “I felt hurt when I heard you say…†or I dont think thats funny, it feels like a put down†or “I feel bad when you yell at me like that,†the abuser may discount his partners feelings, saying something that gives her the message: “Your feelings and experience are wrong, they are worth nothing.†Following is a list of common discounting statements:
Youre too sensitive.
Youre jumping to conclusions.
You cant take a joke.
You blow everything out of proportion
Youre making a big deal out of nothing.
You dont have a sense of humor
You see everything in the worst possible light.
You take things too seriously.
You feel too much.
Your imagination is working overtime.
You dont know what youre talking about.
You think you know it all.
You always have to have something to complain about.
Youre trying to start something.
Youre not happy unless youre complaining.
You take everything wrong.
Youre making a mountain out of a mole hill.
You read things into my words.
You twist everything around.
Youre looking for a fight.
It is not unusual for the partner to trust the abuser. She may believe for example, that something is intrinsically wrong with her or her sense of humor or her perceptions. These beliefs can lead to feelings of frustration and
7. Judging and Criticizing
The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he may be expressing his lack of acceptance of her. Most verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone. For example, comments which negate the partners feelings, such as “youre too sensitive,†are judgmental, as are abusive “jokesâ€. Following are some examples of judgmental criticizing:
Statements which begin with “The trouble with you is…†are judgmental, critical and abusive. Statements which begin with “Your problem is…†are judgmental, critical, and abusive.
Most “you†statements are judgmental, critical, and abusive. Some abusive judging and criticizing “you†statements are:
You cheat.
Youre never satisfied.
Youre a lousy winner.
Youre stupid.
You cant take a joke
Youre crazy.
You cant well enough alone
How dumb (you are)
How stupid (you are)
Critical statements made about you to others are abusive. These are “you†statements turned into “she†statements. Following are some examples:
Shes afraid of her shadow.
She cant keep anything straight.
She never sticks to anything.
She never stops nagging.
She doesnt know if shes coming or going.
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