contact from BPD/npd parents after NC

[Tiredbride313]

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone got through the holidays with minimal drama. I happily did but, like a couple of other posters here, received an email right after New Years from my uNPD father and uBPD mother (well - it was really written by my uNPD father who has all control). As I've posted in other threads, I've been NC with them since last spring because of the hell they put me through before my wedding and their refusal to meet, reconcile, or even talk about compromise.

The subject of the email was about reconciliation. uNPD father said that after the holidays "now is the time to forget the past and set aside our differences". They are "begging" that I "forget the past" and "want to meet at least once to discuss our differences and also because they have some of my "personal items that do not fit into standard boxes and they need to deliver it" to me. He then went on to say that meeting is the "minimum I could do" to alleviate the suffering that uBPD mom has been through since our period of NC, and that "with love", he "expects" my reply. He also put in some quote about how he believes and often reminds himself that "intense conflict is necessary for lasting relationships", and that the "calm and peace following intense conflict can never be broken".

My main problem with this is he takes absolutely NO accountability for his and uBPD mother's part in this and the complete hell they put me and my husband through! I don't think I owe him anything! They've emailed me this crap before, and each time I responded by reaching out and asking to meet and try to work things out, he refused. He was the one who cancelled our meeting one week before my wedding, saying he “other priorities”,  which were apparently was more important to him than rebuilding a relationship with his daughter.  There was also a time prior to that where I again offered to meet with them in a neutral location as a first step in trying to work things out, but he declined, saying he was busy.  So why am I a priority now?  This latest email to me is no different from all of the other insincere attempts they made to reach out, only to retract when I offered to meet. 

Not to mention all of the horrible names he called me and my husband and disowned me. He was the one who wrote me a letter addressed to my first name only, that told me my supposed actions "did not bode well for future relations" and he was therefore "parting away", telling me "goodbye". He was the one who called me a "fake daughter" and called me "trash" when I begged him to stop this and told him the toll this was taking on my health. He wrote me a shouting email in all caps telling me that when I "have a baby girl one day, she will be cursed and will abandon you". My uBPD mother has called me pathetic, said I should be ashamed to be born, and even called and threatened to take care of my now husband for meddling when he stood up for me. And now he thinks it's the "time to reconcile"? And that spiel about "intense conflict producing lasting relationships" - that is a mentality that has caused world wars! Why on earth would I welcome that back into my life?

As far as the personal items go - I don't know what they have left (my childhood bedroom furniture?). Early on in this, they gave away several items that meant a lot to me without asking me first, knowing that it would hurt me. Then not too long ago, he sent a large package to my work labeled "personal items". I feel like he's rationing things and holding things over my head.

Being NC has just brought a sense of peace, happiness, and security for me. I gained back the weight I lost from the stress, my overall anxiety levels are down, and my blood pressure is back to normal. I can't stand the thought of them coming back in to ruin it. My heart wants to stand up for myself and respond to him, tell him I have no desire to meet with them, to call him out on all of the above, tell him to give away the rest of my personal items, and that he is NOT to ever contact me at work again. I just have visions of more packages showing up at my office (which was soo embarrassing the first time) and a part of me wants to try and prevent it. But then my head tells me that it would only encourage more communication, that silence is best. They will never change, so why waste my breath? I left a message for my therapist, but haven't heard back - she must either be backed up for the holidays or off this week. I just don't know what to do.


Any opinions or past experiences shared would be much appreciated.

Many   to you all in the New Year!

[beefree]

Ultimately it is up to you.  If no remorse was shown for past behavior, and NC has been healthiest for you... .and you've responded positively to such a request before and then they cancelled the meeting... .seems like an attempt to FOG up your vision... .  is it time to block the email address?As far as a response to dad... .is whatever you want to say important enough/worth the backlash you might receive?

As far as packages at work... .is there anyone you trust enough to explain the situation and ask them to dispose of any packages for you if they show up? (return to sender might come with backlash)(I extremely LC with my mom at this point, and my husband screens everything with their return addy for me - after a 2pg letter from uBPDmom on why I'm a bad human being/christian for limiting contact in my bday card this yr )

Wishing you peace.

[Harri]

Hi Tiredbride!  Wow.  Just wow.  Given everything, of course you do not want to meet with them!  What you describe here sounds controlling and self-serving on the part of your parents.  The idea of forgetting things and moving on just baffles me.  I would be very reluctant to meet after being stood up a couple of times, never mind all the hurtful things they have said and done. 

Regarding whether to respond and stand up for yourself, I think it depends on you.  How did you end contact with them the last time?  Did you tell them everything you wanted to say?  Have you spent any time wishing you said a certain thing and regret not doing so?  If there is nothing specific you want to say to them, then maybe staying quiet is the best choice for you at this time.  It certainly sounds like you have benefited from the NC and I am glad for that (congrats on the wedding BTW!)  If there is something you want to say though, then maybe it is important for you to say it regardless of whether you get through to them or make them understand.  Sometimes speaking up is worth any backlash.  You just have to look at the pros and cons for your situation.

I just have visions of more packages showing up at my office (which was soo embarrassing the first time) and a part of me wants to try and prevent it.

I understand and of course you don't want them to send things to the office of all places (of all the crazy things to do!).  The thing is, there really is not anything you can do to stop them from mailing things to you at work, short of a restraining order (I think).  Would you want to take things as far as that?  I ask because rather than spend time and energy fearing something you really can't control maybe consider how you will handle things if they should do so again.  The restraining order is one option.  Another would be to think ahead to things to say to your co-workers if they do send a package to you.  Like "parents... .they're so precious at this age" with an eye roll while shaking your head or something else you would feel comfortable saying without getting into personal details.  I can't think of anything else to say right now, though i am sure we can come up with a few options.  I like the suggestion Beefree made regarding a trusted person screening your packages.  Is that an option?

[Tiredbride313]

Hi beefree and Harri,

Thank you for responding - you both give great advice and raise very good points. I also did speak to my therapist. I'm not going to respond. In thinking about it, there isn't anything I wish I had said to him or done differently because I know it wouldn't have changed the end result. The backlash I would receive just isn't worth it to me, and it's such an energy drain for nothing. Instead, I did write him a letter saying everything I wanted to say, but after reading it, I put it into the shredder instead of the mail. That felt good. 

Beefree - When I went NC with them, I blocked their email addresses. This latest email was from a new address they created. I just changed my email address. I decided that's easier than blocking every new account that he may create to get to me. I also moved since the wedding and going NC, so they don't know where my husband and I live. It does feel empowering to take these steps so they have fewer ways to get a hold of me.  I do have a co-worker who I trust enough with the package situation, and also is the one who checks our mail. She knows I choose not to stay in touch with my parents and doesn't judge (she has difficulties with her FOO also). When the first package came, she gave it to me as discreetly as possible and I took it home and asked my husband to dispose of it.  I gave her a heads up in case something else shows up.  Btw - how awful of your mom to write that to you on your birthday no less! Good call to have your husband screen your mail first.

Harri - after I received the last package at work, I did talk to my lawyer about a restraining order. She said that it would be a long shot to get one without a demonstrated threat of violence, and I would likely have to see him in court to give him an opportunity to respond to it. She did offer to write a cease and desist letter, but I decided against it, again not wanting to deal with the backlash. I guess at the end of the day, ignoring seems to work best.


I'm kicking myself a little bit for letting him consume my thoughts for the last 72 hours, especially when I've come so far in terms of coming out of the FOG and detaching myself from them. But then I remind myself that little hiccups like this may happen and it's okay, because I got over the biggest hurdle by setting my boundaries and sticking to them. I guess it's all about taking things a day at a time, and appreciating the great life that I do have!

[Harri]

I'm glad you have it all worked out and feel better about things. 

I'm kicking myself a little bit for letting him consume my thoughts for the last 72 hours, especially when I've come so far in terms of coming out of the FOG and detaching myself from them. But then I remind myself that little hiccups like this may happen and it's okay, because I got over the biggest hurdle by setting my boundaries and sticking to them. I guess it's all about taking things a day at a time, and appreciating the great life that I do have!

That is a great attitude and so true.  What you see as a hiccup, I see as practice and even a step forward because you did work things through!  Well done!   

[Pipper99]

TiredBride...

I checked on this board every once in a while, sometimes when I am feeling sad about being NC with my parents. I read your post and I know yoru feeling of struggling with, I know how difficult the decision of NC is along with knowing it is was the only choice to really live a life! My parents did similar things yours did, diowning, horrible words etc., I've never forgotten or forgiven any of it.

When they contact you(mine do every once and a while) theres a part of you that wants to believe that they are sorry for what they did and said, and maybe just this one time it will be different. But than reality sinks in and you realize thats not possible.

Know your feelings are not alone, theres others that struggle with the same issues as you. I found comfort in your post just knowing there is someone like me out there, who struggles with the same thoughts I do.

Your doing the right thing... keep moving forward.

Pipper

[Tiredbride313]

Hi Pipper,

Thanks for posting. You're so right in that when they do contact me, there's always a part of me that wishes they are truly sorry and that they could be the loving, support parents that my husband and friends have. I get sad sometimes because I so wish they were different. Some days are easier than others. For example, my best friend just had twins over the weekend. I'm so happy for her of course and the babies are just beautiful - I'm thrilled to be an aunt! When I went to the hospital to visit, though,  and saw her in-laws there being doting, proud grandparents, I felt some sadness because that's something else my parents would never be if my husband and I decide to have children. But it is what it is.

I also found comfort and reassurance in your post. I have such a terrific support system, but having this forum to come to, where there are people who know the struggle firsthand, makes me feel less alone with my issues.