What life looks like a year out...

[Madison66]

Hello all!  I'm checking back in after a long absence from the board to give you my take on what life looks like a year out of 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  First of all, it was one of the hardest things to end the r/s and to maintain n/c especially with her living on my block and with her kids seeking me out.  There was no question that I couldn't withstand any more emotional abuse and then there were two instances of physical abuse in the last month of the r/s.  I left the r/s, maintained n/c for 99% of the time, struggled with my own recovery, made many mistakes (especially with dating too soon) and began to live, love, laugh and grow again.  Absolutely no contact was the key to giving me the peace I needed to work on myself.  Then, last May she moved to another area of the city and I have only seen her twice at events she crashed to no doubt make her presence known to me.  She attempted to use her kids several times to make contact with me.  Unfortunately, the entire pod is unhealthy and there was no possible way I would entertain any contact.  I received an email from her in early December (one year anniversary of the b/u) and I did not respond.

My life is so radically different than how it was thirteen months ago.  Chaos sometimes happens, but is no longer central in my life.  Abuse, either emotional or physical, will never be a part of my life again.  My r/s with my teen daughter is as close as we've ever been.  My work life is going well.  I've completed a number of renovation projects on my 110 year old home.  I continue to workout and stay healthy and happy.  Most importantly, I value the relationships in my life and I'm not dragged down by an unhealthy r/s.  My friends and family are so important in my life and I've been in a romantic r/s with a fantastic person for the last four months.  She treats me with love, kindness and respect - just how I treat her.  I think sometimes about the r/s with my ex gf and her kids, and wonder how they're doing.  That's totally natural.  I don't harbor bad feelings or thoughts about her.  It was three years of my life and I believe the r/s happened for a reason.  That was to help teach me that I must take care of myself first to be the best person, father, brother, friend, partner, lover, etc.  In all areas of my life, I let my values be my guide with regards to relationships and decision making.  The ripple effects of this gift of wisdom will go on and on in my life and in the lives of my loved ones and friends.  I feel truly blessed!

I can't imagine how hard it is to have to maintain communication with a PD ex spouse due to co-parenting or other reasons.  There is no easy solution how to navigate that tricky minefield.  For those reading this post who don't share children and can walk away and maintain 100% n/c, I can't say it any more clear that this is what you have to do to move on with your life.  N/c means n/c.  Get yourself healthy and give yourself plenty of time to begin to live, love, laugh and grow.  Happy New Year and peace to all of you!     

[FlyingAway]

Thank you for your thoughtful and supportive post, Madison. At almost 3 months since I initiated NC, I feel a bit of peace seeping in. Also working on myself, as you mentioned, helps tremendously. After 6+ years "interacting" with my xBPD, several subsequent recycles, and a year of hellish emotional turmoil, things are looking up.

The most important thing any of us can do is to work hard on maintaining NC, and work on ourselves at the same time. My way is through meditation, spiritual seeking, and making art. Also, lots of solitude, which works for me. I have plenty of friends, who have also been a tremendous help.

I look forward to feeling even more free as time goes on. Thanks again for your encouraging post!