Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 01, 2024, 04:37:59 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Is it all about fear?  (Read 476 times)
Harlygirl
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« on: January 09, 2015, 12:19:20 AM »

Is it that they just can't handle being with someone who is capable of a healthy, loving, relationship? Is it that the love they might have for the non, is just consumed by fear to the point that they disconnect from anything that feels too real?
Logged
Blimblam
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892



WWW
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2015, 12:28:18 AM »

That deepest part of my ex where she felt true love for me was also a place of great pain fear and insecurities it was highly unstable and triggering of the disorder. That place the deep love in them exists is across that border and into their inner chaos. It simply is not sustainable for them without them learning to create that space internally for themselves.
Logged
Moselle
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2015, 12:46:43 AM »

Mine recognises the damage she has done and desperately wants to change how she treats our children.  She wants to love them unconditionally,  but somehow they trigger that fear again, and 10 minutes later she's shouting at them.

Of course romantic love is a other mountain to climb.  But perhaps if I can help her change her behaviour towards the children,  she'll eventually change her behaviour towards me.
Logged

SlyQQ
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 793


« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2015, 12:49:47 AM »

this may reflect to some extent how there thought process works ( it is quite logical ) But its complicated first they have to pick a "target " this will be dictaed by availability , vunerability and malability and of course the current state of there relationship /s ( some will also weight the finacial resources available ) once they have done this and decided they will fall in love with you they start binding to you them as best they can there is quite a list in this arsenal ( ideation , mirroring sex etc etc ) Once they are reasonable happy you are firmly " bound " they will reasses the situation they will question how anyone could like /love anyone as awful as themselves and begin to question weather you were a "good idea " in the first place an the cracks will start to appear ( this will not concern them so much since by now to some extent you are a given ) but of course they will jump back to the pumps big time if you look you might bail ) They will also start looking for potential new partners if as they have feared all along you don't live up to expectations durring this stage they will begin to probe you for all manners of weakness's vunerabilities a too prove that you are a "bad " person and hence justify there leaving b To possibly use against you ( some reasons for this to punish you for "failing" to protect themselves against you they are scared what you might do when they abandon you ( they know what they would do!) this will also help them when they start bad mouthing you to people as they seek to gain sympathy for there upcoming departure

the thought process goes on but this is probably a common line 
Logged
SlyQQ
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 793


« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2015, 01:43:06 AM »

Forgot this thought process from step 1 is largely driven by avoiding / fear of potenial abandoment and engulfment issues and how to prevent it

Logged
parisian
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 237


« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2015, 01:54:38 AM »

Yes. Overwhelming fear of abandonment.

But once they get commitment from you, then the closeness becomes emotionally overwhelmeing and they take that pain out on you, and then look for another potential attachment. Often whilst they are still in the r/s with you.

It is a horrible oxymoron. They want attachment but can't handle emotional closeness, which is why they are often attracted to narciscists who don't have that.

Long distance relationships or one-night stands / 'friends with benefits' work well for them - they can stay in constant contact throught text or instant messaging, and have the occasional catchup, without having too much closeness.

Logged

lm911
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 189


« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2015, 02:22:25 AM »

Yes. Overwhelming fear of abandonment.

But once they get commitment from you, then the closeness becomes emotionally overwhelmeing and they take that pain out on you, and then look for another potential attachment. Often whilst they are still in the r/s with you.

It is a horrible oxymoron. They want attachment but can't handle emotional closeness, which is why they are often attracted to narciscists who don't have that.

Long distance relationships or one-night stands / 'friends with benefits' work well for them - they can stay in constant contact throught text or instant messaging, and have the occasional catchup, without having too much closeness.

I agree almost 100% with you. Although I think that long distance and friends with benefits don't work for them for more than a couple of months, becuase when they want you- they want ALL of you. When only when they get ALL of you then they feel this fear of engulfemnt.
Logged
Alberto
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 97


« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2015, 12:19:26 PM »

Is it that they just can't handle being with someone who is capable of a healthy, loving, relationship? Is it that the love they might have for the non, is just consumed by fear to the point that they disconnect from anything that feels too real?

Im not sure yet of the exact thought process, but I suspect they have a deeply ingrained "love ends in pain" association. Love is the thing that they crave and fear the most.

Ultimately, as fascinating trying to understand them can be, we all end up disappointed because they are hermetic and it's almost impossible to arrive to logical conclusions.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!