Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
November 01, 2024, 04:37:59 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Is it all about fear?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Is it all about fear? (Read 476 times)
Harlygirl
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88
Is it all about fear?
«
on:
January 09, 2015, 12:19:20 AM »
Is it that they just can't handle being with someone who is capable of a healthy, loving, relationship? Is it that the love they might have for the non, is just consumed by fear to the point that they disconnect from anything that feels too real?
Logged
Blimblam
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892
Re: Is it all about fear?
«
Reply #1 on:
January 09, 2015, 12:28:18 AM »
That deepest part of my ex where she felt true love for me was also a place of great pain fear and insecurities it was highly unstable and triggering of the disorder. That place the deep love in them exists is across that border and into their inner chaos. It simply is not sustainable for them without them learning to create that space internally for themselves.
Logged
Moselle
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899
Every day is a gift. Live it fully
Re: Is it all about fear?
«
Reply #2 on:
January 09, 2015, 12:46:43 AM »
Mine recognises the damage she has done and desperately wants to change how she treats our children. She wants to love them unconditionally, but somehow they trigger that fear again, and 10 minutes later she's shouting at them.
Of course romantic love is a other mountain to climb. But perhaps if I can help her change her behaviour towards the children, she'll eventually change her behaviour towards me.
Logged
SlyQQ
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 793
Re: Is it all about fear?
«
Reply #3 on:
January 09, 2015, 12:49:47 AM »
this may reflect to some extent how there thought process works ( it is quite logical ) But its complicated first they have to pick a "target " this will be dictaed by availability , vunerability and malability and of course the current state of there relationship /s ( some will also weight the finacial resources available ) once they have done this and decided they will fall in love with you they start binding to you them as best they can there is quite a list in this arsenal ( ideation , mirroring sex etc etc ) Once they are reasonable happy you are firmly " bound " they will reasses the situation they will question how anyone could like /love anyone as awful as themselves and begin to question weather you were a "good idea " in the first place an the cracks will start to appear ( this will not concern them so much since by now to some extent you are a given ) but of course they will jump back to the pumps big time if you look you might bail ) They will also start looking for potential new partners if as they have feared all along you don't live up to expectations durring this stage they will begin to probe you for all manners of weakness's vunerabilities a too prove that you are a "bad " person and hence justify there leaving b To possibly use against you ( some reasons for this to punish you for "failing" to protect themselves against you they are scared what you might do when they abandon you ( they know what they would do!) this will also help them when they start bad mouthing you to people as they seek to gain sympathy for there upcoming departure
the thought process goes on but this is probably a common line
Logged
SlyQQ
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 793
Re: Is it all about fear?
«
Reply #4 on:
January 09, 2015, 01:43:06 AM »
Forgot this thought process from step 1 is largely driven by avoiding / fear of potenial abandoment and engulfment issues and how to prevent it
Logged
parisian
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 237
Re: Is it all about fear?
«
Reply #5 on:
January 09, 2015, 01:54:38 AM »
Yes. Overwhelming fear of abandonment.
But once they get commitment from you, then the closeness becomes emotionally overwhelmeing and they take that pain out on you, and then look for another potential attachment. Often whilst they are still in the r/s with you.
It is a horrible oxymoron. They want attachment but can't handle emotional closeness, which is why they are often attracted to narciscists who don't have that.
Long distance relationships or one-night stands / 'friends with benefits' work well for them - they can stay in constant contact throught text or instant messaging, and have the occasional catchup, without having too much closeness.
Logged
lm911
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 189
Re: Is it all about fear?
«
Reply #6 on:
January 09, 2015, 02:22:25 AM »
Quote from: parisian on January 09, 2015, 01:54:38 AM
Yes. Overwhelming fear of abandonment.
But once they get commitment from you, then the closeness becomes emotionally overwhelmeing and they take that pain out on you, and then look for another potential attachment. Often whilst they are still in the r/s with you.
It is a horrible oxymoron. They want attachment but can't handle emotional closeness, which is why they are often attracted to narciscists who don't have that.
Long distance relationships or one-night stands / 'friends with benefits' work well for them - they can stay in constant contact throught text or instant messaging, and have the occasional catchup, without having too much closeness.
I agree almost 100% with you. Although I think that long distance and friends with benefits don't work for them for more than a couple of months, becuase when they want you- they want ALL of you. When only when they get ALL of you then they feel this fear of engulfemnt.
Logged
Alberto
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 97
Re: Is it all about fear?
«
Reply #7 on:
January 09, 2015, 12:19:26 PM »
Quote from: Harlygirl on January 09, 2015, 12:19:20 AM
Is it that they just can't handle being with someone who is capable of a healthy, loving, relationship? Is it that the love they might have for the non, is just consumed by fear to the point that they disconnect from anything that feels too real?
Im not sure yet of the exact thought process, but I suspect they have a deeply ingrained "love ends in pain" association. Love is the thing that they crave and fear the most.
Ultimately, as fascinating trying to understand them can be, we all end up disappointed because they are hermetic and it's almost impossible to arrive to logical conclusions.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Is it all about fear?
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...