sister just diagnosed - secrets and lies

[uffda101]

  Hello all, first post. Very glad to have found this site. My older sister was just recently diagnosed with BPD, and it explains an awful lot about some behavior as we were growing up and straight through to the present day. I applaud her for getting help and being willing to  admit to her struggles and need for help. I know that must have been very hard for her!

My first question is about her lying. There was one instance when she threw me under the bus with my parents, and essentially had them believe that I was the one who was lying. This is a not uncommon thing with her, so I guess my question is, how do I confront this kind of behavior? Or is doing that useless? Do you call them on the lies? Or do you let it go so as to not incur the wrath?

Also, she has requested that I keep her diagnosis a secret from everyone (family, etc). I am the only one who knows. For various reasons I am not too comfortable with this, as her behavior has affected many other people, such as parents, her husband, etc. If they knew I think they would be better able to cope with the outbursts and backlash, or at least be able to put the behavior into some kind of explanatory "frame" that makes sense. Has anyone else experienced this, this request to keep it a secret, and if so, what was your response? 

There have also been some boundary issues (expectations of closeness, sometimes inappropriate closeness, followed quickly by anger and a cold shutdown of communication) that have been confusing to me personally. I understand this is not unusual either, but to me this is all new, and I am still trying to figure out how best to deal with it.

How can I best approach/react to my sister and her behaviors without hurting her feelings? Or perhaps this is an impossible task... .

Thanks in advance for any help - and feel free to ask any and all questions!

[JayReader27]

I believe that confronting their behavior is sort of useless.  Unless, you do it to express yourself in a healing matter or to set boundaries with her and let her know that she can not run over you. But, sometimes BPD's can be so integrated in their learned behavior that confronting them is like talking to a wall. Either they will deny that they have done or said anything because of their "selective memory". Or they might progress into a raging state "come out of a bag on you". But, at least she has recognized that she has a problem hopefully her therapy will continue and healing will begin so she no longer feels the need to be secretive.

[clljhns]

Hi uffda101,

I like the title to your post--Secrets and Lies.  Isn't that the hallmark of families with these issues?

This is  a difficult position your sister has placed you in. Did she give you a reason for keeping this secret? Does her husband participate in her therapy in any way? I was placed in a similar position by my mother many years ago. She imagined that a doctor was in love with her and was calling the house all the time without speaking to her. She even went so far as to find his address and drive past his home. Pretty scary stuff to hear, even as a kid. She would tell me and my siblings that they had a fated love. All the while, she would talk about my dad like he was trash. Eventually, after about 10 years of this fantasy, my dad figured out something was wrong and called me. I was a only in my early twenties and did not know what to say when he said that he knew she was in love with someone else and not him. Honestly, even telling my mother that I didn't believe this doctor was in love with her and that he would not have pursued her in such a way if he were, didn't change her perception of the fantasy.

I am not sure how keeping this knowledge from her husband is helpful. I don't think that you should be the  one to divulge the information, but I do think that your sister needs to tell her husband. The question is, will she? Unfortunately, this is her decision, but she should not have involved you in keeping such a secret. Is it possible to accompany your sister to her next therapy session so that you can tell her openly and honestly how you feel about this situation? It might be helpful to do this with her therapist so that her therapist can help her process why she is not willing to tell her husband, and what the purpose is in telling you.

Wishing you all the best! 

[uffda101]

I believe that confronting their behavior is sort of useless.

That was kind of my gut feeling, too - thank you for the response.

[uffda101]

Hi uffda101,

I like the title to your post--Secrets and Lies.  Isn't that the hallmark of families with these issues?

This is  a difficult position your sister has placed you in. Did she give you a reason for keeping this secret? Does her husband participate in her therapy in any way? I was placed in a similar position by my mother many years ago. She imagined that a doctor was in love with her and was calling the house all the time without speaking to her. She even went so far as to find his address and drive past his home. Pretty scary stuff to hear, even as a kid. She would tell me and my siblings that they had a fated love. All the while, she would talk about my dad like he was trash. Eventually, after about 10 years of this fantasy, my dad figured out something was wrong and called me. I was a only in my early twenties and did not know what to say when he said that he knew she was in love with someone else and not him. Honestly, even telling my mother that I didn't believe this doctor was in love with her and that he would not have pursued her in such a way if he were, didn't change her perception of the fantasy.

I am not sure how keeping this knowledge from her husband is helpful. I don't think that you should be the  one to divulge the information, but I do think that your sister needs to tell her husband. The question is, will she? Unfortunately, this is her decision, but she should not have involved you in keeping such a secret. Is it possible to accompany your sister to her next therapy session so that you can tell her openly and honestly how you feel about this situation? It might be helpful to do this with her therapist so that her therapist can help her process why she is not willing to tell her husband, and what the purpose is in telling you.

Wishing you all the best! 

Thank you kindly

I am sorry you had that experience with your mom and dad. It sounds all too familiar. My family is *chock full* of secrets and lies. I had to break this trend a few years ago (tell my mom something disturbing about my dad that I had found out by accident) and it was awful - but necessary. Got a lot of backlash from everyone, even my mom. Fortunately that has passed, but it's not like one can forget that sort of thing.

My sister does not, as far as I know, even speak to her husband. They live separately, for the ostensible reason that he is a hoarder and has some kind of brain dysfunction that makes him OCD, emotionally rigid, forgetful, and unable to hold a job (maybe brain lesions? I don't even know - still don't feel like I have a clear picture on what he was diagnosed with). personally I think rather than divorcing him she's just sitting tight so that she can get ahold of the retirement when he dies. Sounds horrible and it saddens me to even say it, but that's my gut speaking... .

At the moment I am on what I guess is called "medium chill" with her? Some contact, but no personal details, and certainly not a lot of visiting in person. She still pushes for enmeshment with me, but I've resisted so much that I think she's halfway to giving up. Which to me is a good thing. It pains me b/c I'd like to have a normal relationship with my only sister, but with her it's simply not possible.

One question: she mentioned something recently about having crossed some boundaries with me when I was three or four years old (she is 7 years older), in playing some kind of "kissing game." I did not pursue and ask what she meant (I'm still a bit in shock and disturbed), but is this something that I should ask her about? Or should I just let it go? is this her way of saying that she abused me? Ugh, this is all so sordid and difficult to navigate. Any help would be appreciated. 

[clljhns]

Hi uffda101,

One question: she mentioned something recently about having crossed some boundaries with me when I was three or four years old (she is 7 years older), in playing some kind of "kissing game." I did not pursue and ask what she meant (I'm still a bit in shock and disturbed), but is this something that I should ask her about? Or should I just let it go? is this her way of saying that she abused me?

The hidden message tied to the hand grenade. You know, the one that gets lobbed at you and explodes without explanation, and before you can see the message tied to it? Has your sister ever alluded to other mysterious events without explanation? I can tell you that my oldest sister and mom LOVE to drop hints like this in hopes of engaging the other person, usually me. I quit taking the bait several years before I went NC, and it seemed to stop them from doing this.

What do you feel that you need to do with this information?

[uffda101]

What do you feel that you need to do with this information?

Wow. I am not sure. Part of me, although skeeved out, is obviously wanting to know what the heck she was talking about, while another part of me wants to give her the Heisman (the "back off" stance).

She does tend to hint at stuff, and then when pressed for details, it's the hidden bomb, just as you said.

She recently asked if I would be willing to "be a part of her therapy" - either by taking part in phone sessions, or perhaps just checking in once. I said that I would be willing, but  I have since changed my mind. Do I need to tell her that I changed my mind, or should I just let it lie? I want to do the right thing.

Thank you again for the helpful replies, all. 

[clljhns]

Hi uffda101,

Do I need to tell her that I changed my mind, or should I just let it lie? I want to do the right thing.

What would happen if you didn't mention it? How do you think you would handle it if she does mention it?

I would suggest that you read S.E.T article on this site. It will give you helpful tools in communicating with your sister, while maintaining your boundaries.

Sorry to sound so evasive, but I think that you will find the answer you need through reading and reflection. You have to decide what is best for you and stick to it.

Peace and blessings! 

[uffda101]

What would happen if you didn't mention it? How do you think you would handle it if she does mention it?

Sorry it took so long to get back. I've been putting out some family fires (figuratively, not literally). I've decided not to mention it, and to just let the sleeping puppy lie. No need to welcome any more drama than I have to. 

On another note, my sister just called my mom this morning, despondent that she cannot get or keep a job, and said that maybe she should "check herself in somewhere." Again, my folks have no idea about the diagnosis, so they have no context in which to put the often confusing behavior - the drama, the anger, the paranoia, etc. And also her seeming inability to be self-sufficient (I say "seeming" because I really don't even know how much of this is "can't" and how much is "won't.)

So, I am left feeling that I am holding another ball that I don't want to hold. Do I just stay out of this and let my folks deal with my sis? My parents are getting older (70s) and just don't have the emotional reserves or strength to cope with crises as they once did. At least, that is how it looks to me from here. Witness my mom calling me about this and sounding as though someone had died - shaky, teary, despondent. The roller coaster goes down, and down she goes with it.

I suppose, for right now, that butting out is likely the best alternative, since I am not sure that I can keep in control of my own emotions enough not to allow myself to be triangulated. 

[clljhns]

Hi uffda101,

I suppose, for right now, that butting out is likely the best alternative, since I am not sure that I can keep in control of my own emotions enough not to allow myself to be triangulated

I think this a wise decision. 

Wishing you all the best!