pwBPD and their families of origin

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How have you guys deal with the drama with the FOO of pwBPD?  I know I have a fair share of issues with her family.  Without going into too much detail, they are a family of devoutly religious people.  In their home area, many members of the family serve as pastors, deacons, music directors and the like.  They don't drink, smoke or curse in public, and they're publicly respectable people.

Behind closed doors is another story.  Hidden liquor bottles at family gatherings, lots of "outside" children, lots of neglect and child abuse swept under the rug.  On top of all that is my late ex-FIL, who was into, um... .recreational pharmaceutical sales and marketing (as well as being a loyal customer) who had his life end in such a tragic way that it was all over the news in their area and led the local government to change their police patrols.  Of course, they only talked about the Lord and Church, and if you had any other interests, they didn't want to deal with you.  Also, trying to get a straight answer to anything other than name, rank and serial number was difficult.  They apparently believed that God told them not to make definite plans, because it was against God's will.  Plus there are a lot of passive aggressive bickering where if you didn't do what they wanted, they'd make your life horrible as punishment.

What has been your experience with FOOs?  And what are strategies for dealing with them?

[iluminati]

How have you guys deal with the drama with the FOO of pwBPD?  I know I have a fair share of issues with her family.  Without going into too much detail, they are a family of devoutly religious people.  In their home area, many members of the family serve as pastors, deacons, music directors and the like.  They don't drink, smoke or curse in public, and they're publicly respectable people.

Behind closed doors is another story.  Hidden liquor bottles at family gatherings, lots of "outside" children, lots of neglect and child abuse swept under the rug.  On top of all that is my late ex-FIL, who was into, um... .recreational pharmaceutical sales and marketing (as well as being a loyal customer) who had his life end in such a tragic way that it was all over the news in their area and led the local government to change their police patrols.  Of course, they only talked about the Lord and Church, and if you had any other interests, they didn't want to deal with you.  Also, trying to get a straight answer to anything other than name, rank and serial number was difficult.  They apparently believed that God told them not to make definite plans, because it was against God's will.  Plus there are a lot of passive aggressive bickering where if you didn't do what they wanted, they'd make your life horrible as punishment.

What has been your experience with FOOs?  And what are strategies for dealing with them?

[Mutt]

Hi iluminati,

Do you mean how to deal with ex-in-laws?

[iluminati]

Yes.  That's exactly what I mean.  I can't avoid them completely due to my daughter.

[Mutt]

I have not spoken to or seen my ex in-laws in 2 years, although exMIL called recently and they live several hours away.

What type of parenting order do you have? Do you co-parent? They share access on your time?

[clydegriffith]

I rely on the BPDx's family, mostly her mother, to be the main intermediary between the two of us since we have a child together. I think that for the most part they are genuniley good people but also believe that they kind of turn a blind eye to the BPDx's behavior.

[iluminati]

I have not spoken to or seen my ex in-laws in 2 years, although exMIL called recently and they live several hours away.

What type of parenting order do you have? Do you co-parent? They share access on your time?

We have joint legal custody.  In other words, I can't do something dramatic like move her out of the area or change her religion without her say-so.  Our daughter lives with me on a day-to-day basis, and my ex has visits every other weekend.  She also has a few designated holidays like Mother's Day and Christmas.  My ex will take our daughter to visit the family, and when the recent unpleasantness with my ex-FIL happened, I did take her to visit the family myself.  I have real issues with her being around them since then, though I do want my daughter to maintain ties with them until she's of the age she can decide herself if she wants to deal with them.  I'm wary of the situation, but I'm not sure what else I can do.

[Mutt]

I agree you can't control someone else's actions, you can only control yours. I also agree to not alienate family members as well. It's your D's unconditional love for a parent or family member irregardless of how the adults feel about each other.

What sort of drama? Perhaps there's a strategy there if we have a back-story. Can you share a little about the recent events with FIL?

[iluminati]

I agree you can't control someone else's actions, you can only control yours. I also agree to not alienate family members as well. It's your D's unconditional love for a parent or family member irregardless of how the adults feel about each other.

What sort of drama? Perhaps there's a strategy there if we have a back-story. Can you share a little about the recent events with FIL?

Well, the FIL was an addict who also sold drugs.  Some time back (I'm being vague about the time frame so no one can just Google it), my ex FIL had one of his suppliers come to the family home looking for money he owed him, since he managed to get money from a legitimate insurance settlement.  A fight ensued which resulted in the ex FIL getting shot and killed in the house.  It was a decent news story (which I will tell you more about privately) in their area, and ended up involving federal marshalls to track down the gunman.  This isn't the first crime situation involving that household.  My ex-SIL (who was 11 at the time) ended up in juvenile detention after stabbing a cousin in the same house.  This was after she was cutting class, going out in the middle of the night to meet friends and acting out in a number of different ways.  On top of that, the family has a nasty habit of trying to cover up issues.  That's what makes me nervous.

[Mutt]

As a dad. I would be nervous too. I'm sorry to hear that.

It's serious stuff. That being said, if this is her FOO how is your ex? You say you have joint legal custody. Is she stable enough?

I did take her to visit the family myself.

I think this is a good idea for now. Is ex giving you hard time over this or she's OK with it?

[iluminati]

My ex didn't have a problem with me taking our daughter to her family.  In terms of joint custody, it doesn't really impact me much right now.  My ex effectively rubber stamps what I do, so it doesn't really pay for me to fight to get it.  I still am concerned about my daughter being around that family.  My plan is to play it by ear and try to keep visits limited to structured events like holidays, birthday parties, family reunions and the like.  Considering that family is huge (my exBPDw has a few hundred cousins... .no joke), I figure with enough eyeballs, nothing dramatic will happen at those events.  It's the day-to-day stuff that worries me.

[Mutt]

I understand. I can't protect my kids all of the time. My situation is different, as all the members circumstances are. My ex's bf doesn't cope with feelings and emotions well. I don't know the entire story because I'm not there.

He often yells at my kids, especially my toddler son. My son is a toddler and the man has never had children before and doesn't cope well with the kids. He sends them to their room often, gets angry with them and swears, whereas in my home I seldom send my kids to their room. They're calm. I think it may be because he's venting anger that should be directed to my ex and objectifying my kids. He doesn't seem to know how to cope with his feelings. Kids will be kids?

As a dad, it hurts that they are going through this and at the same time I understand I can't control the temperament at her house, and that I can control mine. I keep a calm environment ( I don't like drama ) and I validate their feelings. My kids were sad, distant a year ago whereas now they're happier, calmer and express how they feel. My home is an emotional safety net - they know dad's their rock.