10 yr law ? new york

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello

      Wondering if anyone is familiar with any information regarding any rule/law that may exist regarding being married 10 yrs. I live in new York and was told that at 10 years of marriage my spouse may be entitled to much more once 10 years have passed. Just feel I need to prepare . Approaching 10 years in 5 months... Any information would be appreciated...

[4kidz]

Hello

      Wondering if anyone is familiar with any information regarding any rule/law that may exist regarding being married 10 yrs. I live in new York and was told that at 10 years of marriage my spouse may be entitled to much more once 10 years have passed. Just feel I need to prepare . Approaching 10 years in 5 months... Any information would be appreciated...

[livednlearned]

That's how it is in my state, and I think it's common. Once you're married for 10 years, there is an expectation that you will pay alimony for roughly half the marriage. My ex and I were married for 10 years and a couple of months, and he ended up paying 5 years in alimony.

There is some wiggle room, though. For example, if your wife co-habitates right away with someone, that can be grounds to end alimony. I was also in the middle of a graduate degree, and there was some expectation that given the discrepancy in our incomes (he made 4-5 times what I was making) that alimony would last half the length of the marriage.

Other people have experienced less than that, though.

I think it's less of a rule/law and more of a negotiation point. If you can mediate your financial situation without having to go to court, then it's in your ball park. If you can't mediate, then you end up in front of a judge who will use the 10 year marriage guideline as a starting point, and then look at the particulars to see if it holds up.

[ForeverDad]

Have you seen a few family law attorneys in your state for legal advice and possible strategies?  Consultations are generally inexpensive.  Have you done internet searches such as "alimony laws by state" or variations?  (Do so confidentially and at computers not likely to be compromised or monitored by your spouse.)

While we are happy to provide peer support, we're not lawyers and the math would say most of us probably aren't in your state.  That said, it does seem 10 years is a conceptual tipping point of sorts, perhaps a medium length marriage, we just can't say by how much in your case.  There are other factors that are considered by judges.  Are there minor children?  How does one spouse's income (or potential income if imputed) compare to the other spouse's income?  Would the other spouse need support while getting job training or a couple years of college for a particular career or to learn a trade?

Divorce can be broken into a few aspects.  Support during the divorce.  Custody of children (if any from the marriage are minors).  Splitting assets & debts.  Support after the divorce.

[4kidz]

Thank you both for your response.  I am wondering more along the lines of- is it a law that says at 10 years everything gets split 50/50. This is a second marriage and I have assets that were accumulated before my current marriage. I am concerned that if things continue to deteriorate I will lose 50% of everything I own whether it be property or money I accumulated before my 2nd marriage...

[livednlearned]

Laws are different in each state and you don't want to make serious decisions based on what you learn on the Internet 

I think it cost me $150 or $200 to talk to an attorney for ~30 minutes or so. Put together a list of questions you have and call a couple of them if you can afford it. Not all attorneys are familiar with BPD, so you could Google "high-conflict divorce" and "attorney" in your zip code/county to try and find law firms familiar with the disorder. And you can always find a good attorney not familiar with BPD and school them. If you do that, though, you have to have a good understanding of both BPD and how family law works. These don't tend to be cheap divorces.

Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

[catnap]

avvo.com you can ask free legal questions to lawyers in your area to get a general idea of how the law applies to your situation.  You can also locate lawyers that offer free consultations.

[maxen]

hi 4kidz, i'm also divorcing in new york. there's no law and no hard line either. my L said that 7 years (our time of marriage) was "on the border". by ten years, i'm sorry to say, you should be prepared to start at 50/50. but remember, it's "equitable distribution". maintenance, support, etc. will all factor.

[4kidz]

made a call to set up a consult... thanks to everyone for the feedback...

[4kidz]

met with attorney last night- no hard rule about 10yrs and an automatic 50/50 split... Found out some other somewhat encouraging information. While I am not ready to puul the plug I feel a bit better in that I took a step to help myself... Small step but somehow I feel a little better. Tough to explain... .

[maxen]

I feel a bit better in that I took a step to help myself... Small step but somehow I feel a little better. Tough to explain... .

not tough to explain at all, that's what happens! by taking some step, any step, you're taking back control of your life in some measure.

was this an initial consultation? did you get a good session in?

[livednlearned]

You take a small step, then another, then another, then another. That's how it gets done. But when we think about the giant step forward, it's paralyzing. Just take tiny ones, small bits at a time. Then one day you look down at your divorce decree, then you look around your quiet peaceful living room in your quiet peaceful drama-free hacienda and realize you are home free. 

[4kidz]

initial consultation ( this time). Ben in the same situation 2-3 years ago. We decided to try and work things out. I guess thats considered recycling? Not sure. Either way I had what i felt was a costructive meeting...

[ForeverDad]

Been in the same situation 2-3 years ago. We decided to try and work things out. I guess that's considered recycling?

Yes.  Though we can't blame you for trying.  The problem is that if the misbehaving person isn't seriously and consistently working on his or her issues, it will end up to be a 'recycle'.

One glaring difference between then and now is that you've been married nearly 10 years now, not just 7.

And the children have been exposed to a dysfunctional marital relationship for an extra 3 years.  Not that you can protect them from all problems, but likely they saw your example as a compliant, every-suffering, ever-sacrificing, appeasing father.  Breaking out of that controller/target or abuser/victim framework is hard but well worth it.

[4kidz]

yes they have. that's part of my shame. Now that they are a bit older i try to explain some things to them. I also implore them NOT to follow my leads with relationships.