My mother is in complete denial

[sisterofbpd]

Hi all,

So my Mom who has many BPD/npd traits (although they've seemed to decrease a bit over the years) seems to be in complete denial when it comes to BPDsis. BPDsis has for years verbally abused, talked crap about her and you name it. Recently BPDsis has sent a few hate emails telling my Mom not to contact her, don't send money and telling my Mom to take a dirt nap. My mom continues to email her and even sent her money at Christmas. I know I can't control her actions, but when certain things effect me and my family I have to put my foot down.

DH told me that my Mom (who is making Easter plans early) emailed all of us including BPDsis telling us they are hosting Easter dinner. I was immediately annoyed because she just doesn't seem to get it. She has hopes that she will come and would expect me and my family to act as though nothing is amiss. I don't envy her position, I know it's her daughter, but considering she just told her to die, she should understand that she shouldn't have invited her.

Anyway, I told her it was ridiculous that she invited her and if BPDsis decides to come, that me and my family will not. I do feel horrible for putting her in that position, but I am just done with her.

Here's my mom's email. Am I being ridiculous?

sisterofBPD,  you have not forgotten that BPDsis is my daughter, have you?

Which one of your daughters would you not invite?

I understand your position; Please understand mine.

[Edgewood]

Funny, we recently had a mother here, asking this very question!

You should handle your relationship with your sister in the manner that you see fit.  Doesn't it make sense that your mom should do the same?  Sis may show up and act like BPD's do, ruining the entire celebration, but it's your mom's right to experience that as a result of her decision to invite her.

Mom's promise to understand your position would seem to negate your belief that she "would expect me and my family to act as though nothing is amiss."  It sounds like she respects your decision not to attend.

[Anna Butterfly]

Hi sisterofBPD-

Ugh, my parents do the same thing.  It's like there is no limit to what they will tolerate- and like you said:

when certain things effect me and my family I have to put my foot down

I have kids and I can't imagine one of them telling me what your sister told your mom and still wanting them to join me for dinner, let alone expecting my other kids to be around that.

Like Edgewood said, she is going to experience the consequences of her decision to invite your BPDsis, which will likely include a) antics from your sister and b) you not being there.

You on the other hand, will enjoy a drama free Easter with your husband and kids.

Sorry you are in this situation,

-Anna

[sisterofbpd]

Thanks guys!

I really don't envy my parents at all.  It really is a tough position.

Here's the weird thing though.  Whenever my Mom reaches out to her or does anything that BPDsis views as wrong, BPDsis ropes me into it.  It's almost like she thinks I'm in on whatever my Mother does and that we are both responsible for each other actions.  Is this a BPD thing?  BPDsis is also Schizoaffective so I guess it doesn't really matter what it is attributed to, I'm just curious.

[lever.]

Yes-it can be a BPD thing to draw other people in and triangulate. I am the Mum who was here with the difficulty your parents are having when i was organizing Christmas.

I do not want to give up on my daughter with BPD but I can see that she has treated her sister badly and I understand why her sister has decided not to see her. I love both my daughters.

It is difficult for a parent to give up on any child whatever they have done.

I would advise you to tell your parents that you don't wish to attend an event where your sister will be present but that you will look forward to seeing them soon afterwards.

If your sister tries to put you in the middle i would be very firm about not allowing it. Say something like "You're speaking to the wrong person-if you have a problem with xxx speak to xxx"

In fact that applies if anyone tries to put you in the middle and use you as a negotiator rather than sorting out a problem directly.

BPD causes such stress when family relationships are affected in this way.

[sisterofbpd]

Yes-it can be a BPD thing to draw other people in and triangulate.

It's just so bizarre. She went from sending me a text asking me to help find a home for a cat (The text started "Hey Chick" then sent this email telling me to move out of state.  There was no communication at all between her and I in between this at all.

It is difficult for a parent to give up on any child whatever they have done.

I have no doubt it is and I don't envy you or my parents. 

I would advise you to tell your parents that you don't wish to attend an event where your sister will be present but that you will look forward to seeing them soon afterwards.

I did, I guess what is baffling me is the fact that she told my Mom to die and a couple weeks later my Mom invites her to dinner    But again, I have two daughters of my own and couldn't imagine going through this when they're older.

If your sister tries to put you in the middle i would be very firm about not allowing it. Say something like "You're speaking to the wrong person-if you have a problem with xxx speak to xxx"

In fact that applies if anyone tries to put you in the middle and use you as a negotiator rather than sorting out a problem directly.

[HadleyatHome]

We have the same problem but with my husband's BPD sister and BPD mother. We always felt like BPD mother refused to acknowledge the damage and pain BPD sister inflicted. We asked her if someone had molested her son (my husband) would she expect that he would feel fine and happy that his mother maintained a close relationship with the perpetrator? His BPD recently alleged that she was physically harmed by her ex, and we ask if MIL tells BPD sister to "just reconcile with him". She doesn't answer ever but of course she doesn't.  Abuse is abuse whether it be sexual emotional or physical. Our therapist reminded us that we were trying to rationalize with a mentally ill person which is near impossible to do. But when MIL poses the question "which of your children would you cut ties with?" we simply say that we are raising them in an environment where we hope that would never occur, and we immediately address any issues that would result in creating the type of relationships like BPD sister has. It's not what she wants to hear but it's all we can say. No one wants to have to choose between children. But if I had an alcoholic child would I continue to enable them until they meet an early death? No. If I had to detach because it would help them then so be it. Parenting (to us) is about doing what's best for your kid even if it's really hard or impossible seeming.

[lever.]

I raised MY children in an environment in which I hoped all this would never occur-sadly it did. It is very painful and I hope that you do not live to experience it.

If you look at the parent's threads you will see how parents agonise over how not to enable but still support.

I  do acknowledge the pain my daughter has caused her sister-but can I ask you-if one of your children developed a devastating mental illness-would you cut contact with them and leave them to sink or swim?

Maintaining contact with an adult child with BPD does not mean that you care less about the sibling unless you are refusing to accept that they have suffered through it and accept their decision to deal with it as they see fit.

Do you feel that it would constructively help your SIL if her parents dis-engaged from her?

[HadleyatHome]

Lever, I am sorry and did not mean to imply that it was something that the fault of the parent. to clarify, I can only speak to our situation, which is that at a very young age when our child showed symptoms of mental illness, (debilitating anxiety), we immediately started getting her help.

When we tell MIL what I said above, it's because my husband was raised in a situation where that was not the case. He was given graphic details around age 10 of his fathers attempted suicide and treatment in a mental hospital. When he did start to have some mental health issues (depression) his mother insisted that he was being poisoned. She wouldn't treat ailments but took him as a child for hormone injections because she felt he wasn't "tall enough". When he has made advances in his business instead of being happy she accuses him of being in a psychosis. So similarly with his sister, there are loads of coexisting conditions that his sister did or does suffer from that his mother did not help get her into treatment for... .when SIL did once see a psychiatrist multiple times a week, MIL wrote a detailed letter accusing the psychiatrist of over medicating her and tried to dictate a different course of treatments.

Our situation is one in which the BPD mother did focus her energies more on one child and it was also the one who seemingly is also BPD. I would venture to say they are enabling and feeding off each other at this point. BPD MIL has said that she is at times aware that BPD SIL is using her and only around when she needs money or to be bailed out of a situation. I am not sure what would be helpful to SIL at this point since we haven't had contact in a few years. Her most recent exhusband seems to feel SIL continues to mentally decline and that part of this is exasperated by MIL. Sometimes I feel like MIL enjoys SIL and her problems because it makes her feel needed and like she is a good person because she is doing better in life than her daughter. But that is just us speculating.

I don't know that I can imagine a situation where one of our children has harmed their sibling in the way that my SIL has, and feeling a need to choose or wondering what to do next. I'm sure it would be horrible. When I worked in CPS I would think often about what I would do if one of our children abused another one of our children, since I often saw that happen in reports.

For awhile we tried to avoid any situation regarding SIL. I feel horrible that this mental illness has caused such devastation in the family. My husband has stood by through it all and been subjected to the worst of things. When I see how it has affected him and am told by 3 different family counselors that both these people are dangerous to our children... .that's when we must step in. I can't stop the 35+ years of pain my husband has suffered but we can try to shield our kids from it.

My MIL continues to make attempts at us reconciling with SIL and refuses to acknowledge any of what SIL has done, in some cases attempting to defend the lies and assaults that SIL has made. She also has made repeated statements that MIL is just fine and we are the ones with mental health issues. We do both suffer from anxiety but are actively getting help and trying to improve, while she has refused help over and over when others have broached it with her.

So that is a long way of saying I have no idea what I'd do and I do feel horrible for wanting to walk away, but I feel a responsibility to protect our kids. We could continue on this way much longer if it were just us, but it feels very different once it starts bleeding out to affect them. I feel like both MIL and SIL could be better if not having contact with each other, in some ways.

[lever.]

Hi Hadley

Sorry if I sounded a bit abrupt. I can see that your situation is different if your MIL doesn't acknowledge your SIL's issues and tries to blame you for it.

I think that the position of a sibling to a person with BPD is very difficult.

The position of a parent can be difficult too and I'm just trying to appeal to people that if your parents appear to be doing their best try not to put them in a situation where they feel pressured to choose between their children.

[HadleyatHome]

No worries, Lever! I felt horrible if I offended, I am new here and still have so much to learn in general about this world.  I should know well enough that every situation is different and I am only able to speak from our worldview. And I wasn't trying to over explain but I try to be very open minded in any situation so I felt bad if I wasnt being more aware of other people's experiences!

We have been so isolated in our situation, it's new to us to have healthier or more appropriate families coping with these issues. It's what we have struggled to obtain but are now learning in therapy with a specialist that it is not likely we will get it, since we are discovering the depth of BP with MIL. In some ways she is more detremential to us than SIL, because at least SIL was very forward and obvious, where as MIL has really had the wool over our eyes. It would be so awesome to have a parent who is proactive about these things, acknowledges the difficulty for everyone and is doing their best. Unfortunately we are not so lucky. Seems your family is at a much bigger advantage than ours! Best!