lack of trust, BPD and getting burnt out

[committedtobpdgf]

A major issue for me in my rs with my uBPDgf is my lack of trust in her with regards to other men. I have found myself becoming intensely jealous, doing things I've never done in other rd, checking phone/msgs etc. Like many, my gf has a lot of Fbook friends of opposite sex, has a history of emotional affairs and I believe of lining up replacements etc. In many respects our rs has a lot of potential... .I have seen changes in her in response to my asserting boundaries etc. But because of her BPD-style flirtatiousness and history of very open boundaries, I never feel relaxed in this area. My gf has now said she wants to go away for a year on an intensive yoga retreat. In normal circumstances I would see my job as being disappointed but supportive and not to be overly worried about time apart. But in this rs it makes me intensely insecure and makes me think of ending things because I don't want the stress of uncertainty or lack of trust. I know a lot of this is my issue... .my abandonment fears, enmeshment, codependency. But on one level there is part of me that just doesn't want stress and uncertainty... .Just wants to take it for granted that infidelity would not be something I would even need to think about.

Has anyone else found themselves becoming an extremely jealous person when in a rs with a partner with BPD. Infidelity is an absolute no no for me by the way... .not aomethting I would stick around for or forgive.

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[committedtobpdgf]

It should be go away for a month not a year

[Grey Kitty]

Whew. A month-long retreat is a challenge. In your circumstances, a year-long retreat would be really worrisome.

As for jealousy... .I've not had a serious r/s prior to my wife to have my level of jealousy well calibrated, but I did notice one thing:

In my wife's case, whenever I was feeling jealous of a particular guy, it WAS for a good reason. The first couple times I wasn't very self-aware, and only really noticed my jealousy in retrospect.

Now my take on my feeling of jealousy is that my emotional/intuitive side is seeing SOMETHING, and whatever it is, it is worth paying attention to, because SOMETHING is happening. Note I say something, not cheating or infidelity. It may be just flirting. It may be more of an emotional affair.

My advice to you... .general jealousy, of ALL her friends, and the 'insane' behavior like snooping on her phone/etc... .probably isn't going to help you much.

However, if you find yourself jealous of one particular guy she's associating with... .this is worth your attention.

[4kidz]

i find myself extremely jealous. Something I never thought i had in me. What i believe is at the root of my jealousy is how much incredible patience, support love I have shown her. All of the insane times when I withstood being hit by a bomb that i never saw coming and could not even make sense of. Yet I hang in there out of love and compassion. Ultimately it is not her fault that she has this disorder. Having said that , the 2 things that would be deal breakers for me are a lack of trust and or infidelity.

[ColdEthyl]

i find myself extremely jealous. Something I never thought i had in me. What i believe is at the root of my jealousy is how much incredible patience, support love I have shown her. All of the insane times when I withstood being hit by a bomb that i never saw coming and could not even make sense of. Yet I hang in there out of love and compassion. Ultimately it is not her fault that she has this disorder. Having said that , the 2 things that would be deal breakers for me are a lack of trust and or infidelity.

I understand how you feel, bud. My dBPDh hasn't done anything at all to make me feel jealous, but his constant questioning me makes me think there might be some projection going on. However, I know where he is all the time, he doesn't even have a cell phone (he doesn't like phone calls), doesn't have FB, and spends all of this time commenting on political boards. Until I have a solid reason for it, I just write off the jealousy. More than likely his insecurity about me is just about how he feels about himself. He does know that infidelity is a deal breaker for me.

[vortex of confusion]

Has anyone else found themselves becoming an extremely jealous person when in a rs with a partner with BPD. Infidelity is an absolute no no for me by the way... .not aomethting I would stick around for or forgive.

In regards to jealousy, I want to echo what Grey Kitty said, if it is jealousy of a specific person, then definitely pay attention to that. I feel like I have a radar about women that could potentially put the make on my husband and succeed. My husband and I are both in a female dominated profession so I don't usually get jealous. There have a been a few instances with a few different women where I felt intense jealousy and my caution bells were wringing.

Now, if you want to talk about insecurities, yeah, I have had those for a good chunk of our relationship. I have been thinking a lot about that. I dated a guy when I was in college and he would go to strip clubs and other questionable places and it didn't bother me one bit. One time, he gave me the money to go to a male strip club just so I could see what it was like. It was no big deal. With my husband, there have been lots and lots of times when I have been insecure and had trust issues. It is weird because the one or two relationships that I had before my husband, those feelings weren't really present. I think it is because my husband doesn't really make me a priority. And when he is with me, it is like he isn't fully present. All of that adds up and wears on a person.

[Tim300]

I got jealous in the final couple months of our 2.5-year r/s.  What made me jealous was a b/u that I couldn't make any sense out of, followed by periodic sketchy behavior once we reunited.  My fears were well founded.