New here... young adult daughter of BPD mother

[Gemgem]

Hello,

Currently struggling even more so with my mother due to it being Xmas & summer holiday period as per usual for this time of year.

Really at the moment just wanting to hear about other peoples experiences to hopefully learn some mechanisms to cope better.

[Kwamina]

Hi gemgem

The holidays are difficult for many of us. BPD is a challenging disorder and I believe many of our members (if not all) can relate to your struggles.

Can you tell us a bit more about your situation. Since you're here I assume you believe your mother has BPD. Has your mother been officially diagnosed and/or is she perhaps in therapy? What would you say are your mother's behaviors that you find most difficult to deal with?

[Gemgem]

Hi Kwamina,

Well my situation is complicated as I'm sure everyones is!

My mother has not been diagnosed though I know that she has BPD without a doubt in my mind. It has been clear to myself and immediate family that she's mentally ill for a long time & I've beem researching this for years.

I really struggle with the guilt! It cripples me, especially at holiday and Xmas period as there is this feeling of obligation she puts upon me. I know have my own family and attempt to spend these times how I want... .it's like there is always this invisible presence of her looking down on me if I am enjoying myself or relaxing away from her or my father or siblings. Does anyone else feel that invisible feeling of disapproval? I live close by to her and every week involves ensuring she is happy with the amount of time I allocate to her and how we spend this time. It's never good enough though! & the rage! Oh God! Leaving home for the first time at twenty years old would have to be the best day of my life... .living in a calm enviroment feels like this amazing luxury... .I will never take it for granted!

That's just the basics of situation... .feels good to start talking about it... .it's so complex I don't know how to put it in to words

[Kwamina]

Hi again Gemgem!

Thanks for providing this extra information about your situation. I can relate to the guilt and feeling of obligation you describe. I have a undiagnosed BPD mother myself and I know how hard this can be. Are you familiar with the concept of FOG? This acronym stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt:

fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

We also have an article about this subject that I think you might find insightful. You can find it here:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[Woolspinner2000]

Gemgem, 

You are a welcome member to our group! I'm so glad that you have joined us and found a safe place to begin to bring light to your situation among those who understand.

I too had an uBPDm (she died 2 years ago), but I so well remember those early years of college life, trying to break free of the FOG. I had no idea what BPD was until 4 years ago, so I applaud you for your diligence in learning and educating yourself already as a young adult!    This puts you ahead of many of those of us here at the site, who began learning much later in our lives although all along we intuitively realized something wasn't right.

Have you found any ways to help you in dealing with the FOG so far? If you have time, definitely take time to read the articles that Kwamina mentioned. Every bit of knowledge will help you to gain understanding, and the understanding will help to free you from the FOG. It will take time, but keep posting and sharing with us. We are happy to listen and help you along a kinder and gentler way. 

Woolspinner

[Trollvaaken]

Hi Gemgem,

I too am in my twenties and suspect my mum might have BPD. I don't live close to my mother, but I had to live at home for 8 months and I was basically her psychologist, but also had to be submissive during her mood swings (once I tried standing up for myself, but she kept withholding and blaming me until I eventually capitulated and apologised, but I resented her for it.)

Anyway, the holidays is always a stressful time with family. I know I am a little late in responding, but maybe this can serve you in the future.

I am learning that it is possible to uphold personal boundaries without being "aggressive" about it, just stay in defensive mode, but hold your ground. It is difficult, but you'll be so proud of yourself when you do. I can understand you wanting to avoid conflict.

Unfortunately, I still have to find 'rational' reasons to set up boundaries, as if I cannot just do it out of pure self-respect, but realise that ultimately, by protecting yourself, you might help her get better and even if you don't, at least you'll feel better and be less anxious. Someone on this forum, also told me that just because you protect your boundaries, that doesn't mean you do not care or are being a bad daughter, but you are showing her you care your way which might not be the same as what your mother would like, but you have to keep your sanity.

Also, always remember that you are an adult now and that you don't live under her roof and that you are free to leave at any time. I totally understand wanting to keep a relationship with your mother, but she has no real power over you anymore, you might still think that because deep down we still have a sort of childlike view of our parents, but she is your equal and has no authority over you.

I also think asking myself, "am I doing this because I think I should or because my mother thinks I should?" helps me get rid of a lot of guilt.

[littlebirdcline]

Your description of her invisible presence hits home with me.  I feel like most of the time every experience I have causes me not to experience it only as me, but to also run through how she would react and comment about it as well.  I am so used to internalizing her opinions and commentary that I don't even need her to do it anymore.  And Trollvaaken, your comment "once I tried standing up for myself, but she kept withholding and blaming me until I eventually capitulated and apologised, but I resented her for it.", is the pattern my mother and I have been in for years.  Now, I finally refuse to capitulate and apologize, and she won't interact with me at all.  She won't accept boundaries- with her, it's all or nothing, apparently.  Funny, even when I'm not in contact with her, the FOG is still here.  I'm just generating it for myself.   I'm working on that, and accepting that I can only control my own behavior and create boundaries I can live with.  If she can't deal with that, it doesn't mean I have to go running back. 

I wish I had some magical solution for all of us.  But I can tell you I didn't start this process until I was in my late thirties, and I wish I had done it earlier.  Don't spend your life in the never-ending cycle I have.  Your purpose in life is not to make HER happy.  First of all, you will never be able to do it, but even if you could, you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for hers.  Would you want your own child to do that?  I think that's how I really decided to start taking control and not letting her run the show.  I look at my son, and realize I would never want him to have to put up with all the things I have, and would want him to live his own life and be happy.  And why should I want that for my son, but refuse to demand it for myself.  Growing up with a BPD mother makes it nearly impossible to develop healthy self- esteem and really love yourself and think taking care of yourself is important.  Everything is about them, and the guilt if you don't.  It has taken me 40 years to realize I have to start putting myself first in certain situations. 

Good luck.  We are all here.  Take advantage- there are some great people on here with good insight.