Update

[peace in steel town]

Hello, it has been a while. First off, we are grand parents. Our grand daughter was born back on October 19th, healthy. Dd is behaving herself, doing what children's aid tells her to, and staying in the group home they told her to. She is talking about getting an apartment of her own, instead of living the life of a gypsy. She is 20, but likes to chase 16 and 17 year old boys. At that age, they are little boys. Things are better between my wife and I, as she stands her ground and uses the word no. She has set up boundaries and sticks to them, and we are finding dd is respectful of them. Meltdowns are few. My wife is upset that dd spends most of her spare time at the other grandmother's place. The baby's father is not in the picture. Dd is still very good at using everyone around her, and as we say no too often, dd has little time for us. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

peace in steel town - thanks for the update. Things sound stable with your DD and GD for now. It seems like you are keeping connected to your D even with the solid boundaries. This connection has a lot of value for all of you. Maybe as time goes on the time available with your GD will improve.

qcr

[peace in steel town]

thanks, qcarolr. Last Monday was the baby's three month birthday, and also the day when dd, in theory, could leave her group home. Such was not the case. Children's aid has been monitoring her facebook account, and has not been impressed with what they saw, as well as her behaviour in the group home. Dd is lousy with money, lacks integrity and is a slob, so there is no way they will let dd leave and go back to her life of couch surfing, only now with a baby and bag of diapers in tow. A week and a half ago, her father gave her some money, so dd went out on a one night bender, buying booze for her friends and then posting the pictures on facebook. She was too hung over the next day to do anything, and then two days later claimed she was robbed and begged us for money for formula. On the plus side, the gd is gaggling and trying to sit up and look around, and was happy to see grandma.     

[qcarolr]

I have great respect for the boundaries and the continued contact with your DD. You will be such an important part of your gd's life. Your D sounds so much like mine. My gd will be 10 in June. So hard to believe how much time has passed and so quickly.

I realize my story shared here may overstep the 'hijacking' rule but it feels relevant to your situation. Please accept my apologies if this is the case.

Dd is lousy with money, lacks integrity and is a slob, so there is no way they will let dd leave and go back to her life of couch surfing, only now with a baby and bag of diapers in tow.

DD, now 28, lived with us when gd was born along with the daddy. He was a good guy when sober, though avoided work for more than a month at a time. He has spent most of the time in prison or avoiding parole in another state since gd was 2. DD decided it was "her turn to have some fun" when GD was 8 months old and daddy was in jail for a year. We became the 'parents' at that time though I held onto my 'happy famly fantasy' of being 'just a grandma' for a long time. Dh was home for a year with a work injury and spent hours on the floor playing with her. We accomplished getting custody when gd was 18 months as DD continuously manipulated us with threats to "leave and you will never see either of us again". My body started shutting down with the stress - I am still trying to recover. Daddy convinced DD to voluntarily sign agreement for our temporary custody and avoid a very costly litigation to fight it. The judge canceled the hearing and made it a permanent order. DD can go to court anytime to request changes. Her life choices will prevent her from being successful.

GD has suffered significant separation trauma and witnessing manipulative and violent behavior from her mom. Especially when we banned her friends from our home. In reality DD has been what I consider a transient since being abandoned by the daddy with their child. Looking back I see that my denial of many realities contributed to gd's concerns. Well there is a genetic component as well. Dh and I would have beem smarter to set strong boundaries when DD was a senior in high school and moved in with her bf for 6 months. Learning from this is all that I can do about the past.

We have tried to support DD to live 'independently' over the past year. She cannot manage her own place for all the reasons above that your D is still in the  group home. Can your D realize the gift that this is for her and gd? The binge drinking - most likely not. Will this pattern ever change? This is a mystery. It takes a lot of work and change that is very scary and hard. For my DD, her own denial of being 'sick' or 'addicted' limits her accepting the many treatment options open to her. DD prefers so far to be with the current bf, no matter where they call "home" for the day/night. Currently they are couch suffering and out from under the overpass culvert.

Yet, I do not give up my hope for DD to find her way through life. My seeking to fully accept DD is who she is and will do what she does and I am powerless to control any of this. The courts and county agencies have also experienced powerlessness with DD.

I also am accepting the limits on her contacts to gd who is old enough now to verbalize her desires for these limits to be in place. She is respecting the limits on her time in our home - without any friends - to do laundry, shower get stuff out of the small storage trailer in our backyard.

I love her wholeheartedly and unconditionally. The boundaries do not change my deep love for her. I continue to work to emotionally detach from her though. My attachment to her is so strong and her's to me are very tenuous based on her needs in the moment.

Have you considered the options if your DD cannot parent gd? We are raising gd. We refused the pressure of social services to adopt our gd7. He was placed in foster care at 5 months. (different papa) These have both been the best decisions we could make. Gs is thriving with his adoptive family in another state. I can see him on the mom's facebook. He knows about being adopted but no contact or detailed info about biofamily to my knowledge. His attachment to his parents is the most vital component for healthy growth and development - in my opinion.

Hoping your DD can find some maturity and become able to see the needs of her daughter. Then she can choose whether to respond to those needs or continue to be focused solely on herself. What do you think about all this?

qcr

[Thursday]

Hello peace in steel town-

Thanks for the update and congratulations on your granddaughter.

Sounds like your dd is trying... .your words remind me of a phrase we have around here, used to indicate that BPDSD23 is "trying" but her tries are more like "taking a stab" without getting too involved or letting anything be too outside of her comfort zone. We call this "doin' it BPD style". 

And your DD's interested in boys sort of fits with that too. My SD has the same interest in guys who are "too young". No need, with them, to worry so much nor to have to work too hard. They are too immature and clueless to attempt controlling her. And she knows what these boys like. She becomes the "one with the car" and the "one with the money" and she loves that power and its even better when they admire her for being older and wiser.

She slowed this down in the last year... .I think at 23 she just can't get away with talking out loud about her lust without her peers calling her out.  From 20-21 she hung out with another woman even older than SD who was interested in the same 17 year olds that my SD was interested in.

And SD could see that it was gross behavior with this older woman... .so as she gets older she seems to be able now to see herself from a new perspective. Outside looking in... .which is new for her.

In your post it sounds like you are reaching a state of acceptance. This has been so important to my DH and me as we move forward with SD. It is made easier in that she doesn't live with us and doesn't come to us for money anymore. Not giving her money has been very difficult for her Dad.

Also, as things mellow out, as they seem to be in your camp,

Meltdowns are few

and it gets easier to not worry so much about the differences that don't really matter. SD has her sleep patterns completely turned around but she doesn't live with us and she is willing to comply with our, more normal scheduling, so why make any comments to her at all about trying to sleep more like a "normal person". She gets enough sleep.

Lowered expectations was a hard concept too. But knowing more about SD's limitations (even if she is merely limiting herself) gives us a better place to approach without making her uneasy. Our goal is now to enjoy her company. With your GD in the mix I'm sure your goals are different than ours.   

Sorry to hear your wife is upset about how much time DD is spending with the other grandmother. Time will sort all of that out though, won't it? I try to have faith that time will just about change everything. Sometimes it is better to just ride the roller coaster instead of trying to make it stop.  I really need help with that still.

qcarolr- no hijack- I gain insight when I hear details, helps when the story fuels the outcome if I am doubting my own gut instinct. Hearing someone else has the same (scarily!) history or sees the same behaviors gives empathy a big boost.

Thursday

[peace in steel town]

Thanks for the comments. First off, gd spent the night at our house, first time. My wife just drove her home about eight pm the next day. She was wonderful, slept the whole night through. She sits up, looks around, and gaggles at the tv. My wife was tickled pink at the opportunity to take care of her. Dd apparently told my wife last week that her partying days are over. Any more than two drinks and she has a massive hangover. If she does pot, her anxiety attacks are so bad she has to go to the hospital. Good, natural consequences. Her father, remarried, has expressed a desire to adopt gd. We'll see how that plays out. I don't think that dd really appreciates what the staff at the shelter are doing for her and gd. She truly hates rules and hates being told what to do. She says they treat her like she is 12. Probably because she acts like she is 12. She is currently talking about getting a job. Not sure what kind of job you can get with a grade 10 education. And yes, a lot of it is acceptance. It is her life, she can do what she wants with it. We can't come along and plug every hole. As far as her chasing younger boys, they are the only ones immature enough that will put up with her, and she can control/