Leaving my uBPD mother has affected me and my marriage...

[amberlu]

Good morning!  I haven't been here in a very long time, but I'm needing some help/advice and this seemed like the most logical place to go.  I don't know about you, but dealing personally with a uBPD mother is difficult when no one else around you really seems to "get it."  In May it will be 4 yrs since I have spoke to my mom; there has been the occasional text asking to see my boys but other than that, nothing.  In short, since I had to make a decision to not speak with my mom anymore I have developed some "issues."  I have a counselor that helps me a great deal and together we are going through a book titled 'The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook' and basically it helps me learn how to deal with emotion regulation and distress tolerance... .seems logical considering what I've been through. 

Anyway, to make a long story short I have been a roller coaster ride of messed up emotions; certain times of the year are more difficult for me.  Of course I still miss my mom and more than anything desire a relationship with her, but I have come to realize that is not an option.

So what do you do when these emotions spill over and affect your family?  Spouse mainly.  He seems to not have the ability to empathize, as a matter of fact when I get upset or sad he gets mad.  I should be "over it" by now?  Really? The way it was explained to me by my counselor is that the way I lost my mom is similar to if she would have died, meaning I was gonna go through all the same phases.  That being said, no one I know of "gets over" their parent being gone. 

This has caused some riffs in our marriage; I need to talk and he doesn't want to.  He will listen but not really comfort or console because he doesn't know how; besides it's been nearly 4 yrs and in his mind it's done.  Unfortunately, I deal with my emotional "issues" from this EVERYDAY!  I don't get a break, it doesn't end for me.

Any help is appreciated, thanks in advance!

[Panda39]

Hi Amberlu,

Welcome back.  I'm just on my way out to work but quickly wanted to ask if you have explained to your husband that going n/c feels in many ways the same as if your mom died and that you feel like you are mourning her loss?

Also attached is a thread about the stages of grief that might be helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=97075.0

Have you ever asked your husband to go to counseling with you?  Maybe having someone else facilitate the discussion could make him feel more comfortable.

Sorry to be so brief but I've gotta run!

Panda39

[Kwamina]

Hi amberlu

Welcome back  Long time no see

When you first went NC you noticed an improvement in your family life. Now you're having some struggles which is probably understandable considering what it means to go NC with one's own mother because you feel like going NC is the only way to protect your emotional and mental well being. BPD is a challenging disorder and it's a harsh reality to accept that one's parent has BPD. My own mother is undiagnosed BPD and I can very much relate to this post of yours.

Accepting the reality of who your mother is, that she most likely has BPD and will probably never change, isn't an easy reality to accept at all. Accepting this reality means letting go of the fantasy mother you probably never had but might still very much long for. Do you feel you've been truly able to accept the reality of who your mother is and that you've been able to let go of the fantasy mother?

It's very positive that you're reaching out here for support and advice and also that you're seeing a counselor. Taking good care of yourself and being mindful of your emotional and mental well being is very important when you're dealing with these kind of difficult thoughts and emotions.

[amberlu]

Hi Amberlu,

Welcome back.  I'm just on my way out to work but quickly wanted to ask if you have explained to your husband that going n/c feels in many ways the same as if your mom died and that you feel like you are mourning her loss?

Also attached is a thread about the stages of grief that might be helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=97075.0

Have you ever asked your husband to go to counseling with you?  Maybe having someone else facilitate the discussion could make him feel more comfortable.



Sorry to be so brief but I've gotta run!

Panda39

Ok, I'm still trying to figure out how to reply to a post and be able to see it at the same time so that I don't forget anything; I hope this is right!  Idk what n/c means... .I'm assuming no contact?  With that assumption, I have explained it to my husband that it is as if she died.  Even that sometimes I think it's worse because if she were actually gone, there is no hope.  The fact that she isn't gone only leaves room for false hope, unfortunately.  I checked out that thread and it's a good foundation for understanding loss; I will revert back to it and use it as another great tool!  Thanks so much... .and yes my husband has gone to counseling with me.  She has explained to him the process as well.  I did suggest he go back and speak with her again for the very same reason you stated... .sometimes you just understand it better coming from someone else!  Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply so quickly!

[amberlu]

Hi amberlu

Welcome back  Long time no see

When you first went NC you noticed an improvement in your family life. Now you're having some struggles which is probably understandable considering what it means to go NC with one's own mother because you feel like going NC is the only way to protect your emotional and mental well being. BPD is a challenging disorder and it's a harsh reality to accept that one's parent has BPD. My own mother is undiagnosed BPD and I can very much relate to this post of yours.

Accepting the reality of who your mother is, that she most likely has BPD and will probably never change, isn't an easy reality to accept at all. Accepting this reality means letting go of the fantasy mother you probably never had but might still very much long for. Do you feel you've been truly able to accept the reality of who your mother is and that you've been able to let go of the fantasy mother?

It's very positive that you're reaching out here for support and advice and also that you're seeing a counselor. Taking good care of yourself and being mindful of your emotional and mental well being is very important when you're dealing with these kind of difficult thoughts and emotions.

I hope I'm replying correctly... .so you, Kwamina, are able to see this.  I am assuming NC means no contact... .please correct me if it is otherwise.  Unfortunately for me and my family completely leaving seemed like the most logical and healthy thing to do;  she had threatened to have my boys taken away from me.  This situation escalated quickly; my mother was abusive to my brothers and I growing up... .physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally.  So this threat was personal and hurtful beyond words.  I did try to mend it, took whatever steps suggested to try to work through it with my mom... .nothing worked.  My counselor was there to help me through the entire situation. 

You really hit a subject I haven't thought about.  Real mom vs. fantasy mom.  Wow!  Just reading this made me sad and cry... .nearly 4 years since I have talked to my mom and I can still feel pain as if it just happened.  It's overwhelming and frustrating.  I have not accepted it.  I have not been able to forgive either.  That is my next thing to work on, but accepting is equally important.  It makes me sad because I do have a fantasy mom... .and it's something I have longed for my whole life; I'm not asking for much either but I know it's not possible.  I have come to terms with the fact that she is not going to change.  I hate it!  For me, for my boys, my husband... .I just really hate it!  I definitely haven't thought to let go of fantasy mom; I have this false hope that my mom can change and someday will be so sorry and welcome me with open arms.  But none of that is real.  Letting go of that, to me, means letting go of hope; letting go of my mom in a more permanent way.  It's so difficult.

I know these things need dealt with and I knew this was a good place to go.  It's even more to try to deal with this when people don't understand; it's like this is a whole world of people that can relate in some way to be able to help.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post.  You've have given me new insight and I appreciate that.

Can I ask you something?  Something I wonder frequently about other women with uBPD/BPD mothers... .do you have a relationship with your mom?  If so, what does that look like?  And if it's too personal, I completely understand.  Thanks again!

[Kwamina]

I hope I'm replying correctly... .so you, Kwamina, are able to see this.  I am assuming NC means no contact... .please correct me if it is otherwise.

Correct! NC = No Contact

she had threatened to have my boys taken away from me.  This situation escalated quickly; my mother was abusive to my brothers and I growing up... .physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally.  So this threat was personal and hurtful beyond words.  I did try to mend it, took whatever steps suggested to try to work through it with my mom... .nothing worked.

Sorry to hear that your mother threatened you like this. I understand the decision you made, in my opinion your own family should indeed be your first priority. Since your mother threatened your family you needed to take certain steps so you did what you felt was necessary to keep your family safe and I totally get that.

You really hit a subject I haven't thought about.  Real mom vs. fantasy mom.  Wow!  Just reading this made me sad and cry... .nearly 4 years since I have talked to my mom and I can still feel pain as if it just happened.  It's overwhelming and frustrating.  I have not accepted it.  I have not been able to forgive either.  That is my next thing to work on, but accepting is equally important.  It makes me sad because I do have a fantasy mom... .and it's something I have longed for my whole life; I'm not asking for much either but I know it's not possible.  I have come to terms with the fact that she is not going to change.  I hate it!  For me, for my boys, my husband... .I just really hate it!  I definitely haven't thought to let go of fantasy mom; I have this false hope that my mom can change and someday will be so sorry and welcome me with open arms.  But none of that is real.  Letting go of that, to me, means letting go of hope; letting go of my mom in a more permanent way.  It's so difficult.

I think you might benefit from reading an article we have on here about reality acceptance skills:

From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

Here's an excerpt:

Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event.  You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive.  It's a negative that just won't become a positive.  And you're miserable.

When that happens, practice reality acceptance.

So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason.  You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason.

And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it.  You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life.

In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over.  When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection.

And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life.

These are the skills of reality acceptance.  It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard.  It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first.  If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it.   So find something small. Practice on that.

The willfulness, notice it.  You could start by counting it. Slowly try to replace it.

Radical acceptance, notice when you are not accepting. You could start with counting it.  Slowly try to replace it.

Turning the mind, write yourself a note. Put it somewhere in your house.  Put it on the refrigerator. All you have to write is 'Turn the Mind'.  Put it up.  Try to practice it. Practice it every time you open the refrigerator.

If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier.

Can I ask you something?  Something I wonder frequently about other women with uBPD/BPD mothers... .do you have a relationship with your mom?  If so, what does that look like?  And if it's too personal, I completely understand.  Thanks again!

Well I'm not a woman but I can give you a man's perspective  I have a relationship with my mother and it's very superficial. I never discus any really important things with her or my undiagnosed BPD sister (yes I'm dealing with two people with BPD ). I don't discuss my work with them and don't talk about the people in my life, except occasionally on a very superficial level. Funny thing is that it seems as if she's not even aware that I've closed off many aspects of my life to her, she's so living in fantasy land with my sister that she doesn't even seem to notice.

It still hurts that my real mother doesn't even come close to what my fantasy mom looked like, but it is what it is. I have found that by accepting my mom for who she really is and drastically lowering my expectations of her, it has become easier for me to deal with her. Having said all that, it does definitely still feel like I miss something in my life and that still hurts. I am much better able to deal with my BPD relatives now with all my new knowledge and skills, but for the first 30 years of my life I felt like I was living in quicksand. Slowly sinking with no way out... .until I discovered BPD

I think one of the strong aspects of radical acceptance is that it helps you transform your extraordinary suffering into 'ordinary' pain. Pain is difficult but pain + non-acceptance = suffering and that's even more difficult to handle.