Adult daughter with BPD ?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Sorry this is long winded but i do not know how to  do this otherwise. I am pretty desperate to find help somehow for her.  I wait daily by the phone for the next drama/ incidence. This is my assessment.   My daughter now 27  signed herself into a rescue at 15 to get out of home (living with her dad at the time)Hang out with the "wrong" crowd as a teen as she felt accepted there and not judged. Blames her dad for everything wrong in her life used to blame me but switched.  We were estranged for  years until she had children and i was living in the USA until 1 year ago.She has had  a few abusive relationships  the first resulted in her children  being taken by the state  first the 2 year old (now 8) and the second at birth( now 5). Drugs were suggested but none found in her system except for the morphine given her for the  pain of the c section. however  the court date came and went before the results were in and she was judged  on the OPINION of the Nurse and her father. The father was no longer  in the scene but the case was not finished with so the children were taken anyway. She will never get them  back from the grand parents  as they are both Police officers and she is not mentally  healthy . She maintains all her problems will magically fix if she just got her kids back. to her credit she is a actually a  great mum when with the kids and she  has them overnight one night  every second weekend. Life has spiraled since. Diagnosed with graves  disease Feb 2013. Does use marijuana to self medicate for stress? will not accept any  conventional medication(poison) She often threatens suicide  and is always extremely depressed and very dramatic.  I am at my wits end. I have tried to let her scream/ vent  and NOTHING i say helps. 3 days ago after another hour long screaming at me session and threatening to kill herself I actually lost it and told her to do it - i then hung up. I am ashamed , guilty and now  becoming depressed myself. 

[vetjam]

Sorry this is long winded but i do not know how to  do this otherwise. I am pretty desperate to find help somehow for her.  I wait daily by the phone for the next drama/ incidence. This is my assessment.   My daughter now 27  signed herself into a rescue at 15 to get out of home (living with her dad at the time)Hang out with the "wrong" crowd as a teen as she felt accepted there and not judged. Blames her dad for everything wrong in her life used to blame me but switched.  We were estranged for  years until she had children and i was living in the USA until 1 year ago.She has had  a few abusive relationships  the first resulted in her children  being taken by the state  first the 2 year old (now 8) and the second at birth( now 5). Drugs were suggested but none found in her system except for the morphine given her for the  pain of the c section. however  the court date came and went before the results were in and she was judged  on the OPINION of the Nurse and her father. The father was no longer  in the scene but the case was not finished with so the children were taken anyway. She will never get them  back from the grand parents  as they are both Police officers and she is not mentally  healthy . She maintains all her problems will magically fix if she just got her kids back. to her credit she is a actually a  great mum when with the kids and she  has them overnight one night  every second weekend. Life has spiraled since. Diagnosed with graves  disease Feb 2013. Does use marijuana to self medicate for stress? will not accept any  conventional medication(poison) She often threatens suicide  and is always extremely depressed and very dramatic.  I am at my wits end. I have tried to let her scream/ vent  and NOTHING i say helps. 3 days ago after another hour long screaming at me session and threatening to kill herself I actually lost it and told her to do it - i then hung up. I am ashamed , guilty and now  becoming depressed myself. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Oh VetJam

PwBPD push our buttons until (sooner or later) we all implode and say things we regret.  

First of all, stop punishing yourself.  We are all human, and we make mistakes. Have you spoken to your dd since the argument?  Tell her like it is... .when she begins to talk about suicide, you become terribly upset and depressed, and you want it to stop.

Like so many people wBPD who frequently threaten to harm themselves, it may be a tool to manipulate others and little more.  Has she tried to commit suicide in the past?  If so, then she may need to be taken very seriously.  In any event, she still needs to know how hurtful and cruel her words are, and that if she continues to threaten suicide, you have no option but to call the police. Then you must follow through.

It may or may not help, but she will at least be aware of the impact her threats have on you.

[trytrytry]

I am so sorry to hear about your troubled DD28.  I have one as well.  I've been on this site for a couple of years now, and have learned so much about how to have a doable relationship w/DD.  I do feel your pain, and want you to know that you are not alone in this.  Keep posting, and try some of the tools listed on the left side of the screen.  The more you take care of yourself, the better care you'll take of your daughter.

[heronbird]

Hi Vetjam,

Gosh, what a sad situation, you came to a good place here, you will feel supported and learn lots.

I have said lots of non understanding things to my BPDD in the past. I soon realised it wasn't helping, her or me actually. Then I learnt to just change what I said and I repaired our relationship and managed to work with her rather than always be in conflict. I used to worry so much that I would loose her altogether, I used to think that one day, I will be out and see a tramp in the cold sleeping on the street or begging, and I would look again and it was my dd. That used to scare me, I never wanted that.

They drink, take drugs, lie and so all sorts, when I look back over the years of trauma after trauma, I ask myself why did she do this that and the other, there is mainly one answer, she did it because she wanted a quick fix for her agony. This is so sad, to be so desperate, its awful, I know Id be rubbish at coping if I had BPD for one day.

I hope you get lots of good support here, I am sure you will, everyone is so friendly on here. It really will help you

Take care

HB

[Skip]

How is this going with the family?  Progress?

[vetjam]

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. For the moment the storm had yet again died down and she is calm. I know this is literally the calm before the very next storm. I will keep reading and try to  gain  more knowledge  in readiness for the next onslaught.

[lbjnltx]

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. For the moment the storm had yet again died down and she is calm. I know this is literally the calm before the very next storm. I will keep reading and try to  gain  more knowledge  in readiness for the next onslaught.

Glad to hear there are periods of calm!  It is very difficult to absorb new information, learn skills, and make healthy decisions when we are in the midst of the storm.

We are here to help!  Let us know what you need.

lbj