Why did you guys break up... and who ended it?

[Jmanster]

Hey guys, I would really love to hear your break up stories. I want to see if I can see a pattern... .I broke up with my BPDex because I was on a verge of another breakdown because of her massive and damaging mood swings... .What are your stories? Please feel free to share

[bunnyrabit]

One time because I feared for my life and then another time because she kept sleeping around with other men. Oh and then one time she broke up, or rather, she just disappeared one morning.

[Tim300]

There were so many little breakups over stupid things, typically resulting in getting back together later that day or the next day.  At first I was hurt by her breakup requests, but then I began to realize that it wasn't serious, so I just ignored it.  A couple times I distanced myself for a week or two because she was being verbally abusive.  A two-week breakup occurred when I found out that she lied by omitting her massive student-loan debts to me.  Then there was a one-week breakup (she initiated) because she mistakenly thought I was breaking up with her because her mom tried to boss me around and I left her apartment for the day. 

The final breakup (2.5 years in) was just a classic cold, discard.  It seemed like she had lined up a replacement (I think a co-worker).  She gave a brief explanation for the breakup that included saying that she couldn't handle all of our breakups (some of which she had simply imagined in her head).  I think the relationship became very traumatizing for her because she constantly feared my leaving and because I had been putting up resistance to more of her behavior.  By this time, I had caught on to BPD, so as soon as we split I began reading about BPD for hours, for the first time.  Between realizing what BPD is and recognizing her cruel behavior at the end (which included a death threat about a week prior to the discard), I decided to block her on Facebook, grieve, and never look back.

[Infern0]

She started to distance herself,  2 week push pull period during which I was getting all kind of weird calls and messages and her flip flopping.  Then sudden announcement of the replacement.

[Healing0602]

He worked nights... .one Monday night things were good, then quickly took a turn for the worse.  It was time for him to get ready for work so I excused myself and got in the shower.  He stormed in the bathroom, threw the shower curtain open, then threw me against the wall of the shower (after kicking the dog on the way in) <Insert Rage>.  He eventually went to work, and when he came home from work the next morning I was getting ready for work.  Everything was fine initially, then he stormed in, yanked my hairdryer out of the wall, and refused to let me get ready for work <insert all out raging>  That was the moment that it clicked on my head that it would never get better.  Every step forward was 10 back.  Eventually I did and got to work late.  i remember wearing long sleeves to hide the bruises on my arms.  I had one friend at work that I told everything to, it was the only place I could talk about it, and only to her.  She followed me to my office, knowing something was not right, and I calmly told her "I need to take a long lunch today, I need to find somewhere to live".  She went with me, we found an apt, and she helped me put the deposits down.  That was Tuesday.  I was approved on Thursday and left town to visit my parents that weekend.  I rented a U-Haul that my friend picked up for me and kept in her driveway.  I got home Sunday night, spent a little time with him, and when he left for work 5 friends pulled up and packed everything I owned into the U-Haul in 19 minutes flat (nothing was packed at all... .needed to be as unassuming as possible).  I stayed with a co-worked he didn't know for a week, then moved into my apt.  I immediately went NC.  I talked to him once on the phone and resisted a very convincing plea to "just meet to say goodbye".

That is when I realized that I was strong.  I remember hanging up the phone and bawling like a baby... .but I knew I had to stay strong and I was ready.

[HappyNihilist]

I had a depressive episode... .he took it personally... .so I withdrew a little to take care of myself. He entered the indifferent phase. Towards the end, I was begging for any sort of affection or even reaction from him. He seemed to be trying to force me to break up with him. My birthday went by without even a text from him... .the next morning, he broke up with me. He couldn't give me a reason. I later found out he'd been cutting himself before the breakup, something he hadn't done in years.

[JRT]

She broke up... .dunno why. She did a disappearing act just after she had moved in to my house and when I was out of town and sent a text, 'our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .don't try to contact me'... .although there had been several 'lite' recycles in the past (we had been together for two years), this one came from out of nowhere, we never argued nor did she ever complain about anything related to me (only others).

She had blocked from every imaginable way to contact her including email, text social media (where she had blocked me, unfriended all of my friends and compelled her family to do the same). Later attempts to circumvent those blocks were responded to by a letter from a lawyer and a call from the police.

Its been 3 1/2 months and I have not spoken with her at all... .I don't even know where she lives... .

[drummerboy]

My ex was totally codependent with her mom who was not very happy that her daughter was going out with a guy 20 years older. As soon as I met the parents the Rs was doomed. I'm pretty sure the mom told her straight out that she had to end it with me. So it went rapidly downhill after meeting her mom (who I think has some mental health issues herself) the statement that said everything was "mom and dad would kill me if I moved in with you" this statement was from a 30 year old woman! In the space of 3 weeks I went from being described to her dad as "I've never loved a man like I love him" to 100% silent treatment.

[raisins3142]

I had two break ups.  Here is the time flow:

6 week idealization period, then

6 week withdraw period

At the end of this 6 week withdraw period, I walked up to her using her cell phone from an angle she did not expect.  She scrambled to turn off the phone and then acted oddly.  This cemented my suspicion that she was having conversations she did not want me to know about.

I broke up with her the next day.

2 weeks later she wrote me a long email in response to an email I had sent.  She gave me access to her online cell phone bill.

I poured over the bill and did reverse look up on all numbers.  Turns out that her cell phone records showed no odd behavior or speaking to someone that I would have an issue with at LEAST in terms of voice calls or text messages that would register with the cell carrier.

I got back together with her.

We were together for another 12 weeks.  :)uring that time she was very afraid of losing me and was on her best behavior.

A few weeks into this, it came to light that she had lied to me about her STD status, about what she had done during our 2 week break up, and lied about cheating on other boyfriends (she had but lied and said she had not).

I was upset and my trust was blown.  She resolved to re-earn my trust.

At the end of this 12 week period, she and I went to a bar.  She spoke to a guy that was hitting on her (she had just met) and was flirtatious back for 20 minutes.  When they moved to a table where I could not see them and sat down together, I went over and basically screamed in her face and then left.  That night, we were not just mixing with people socially. She left my side at the bar to go do this.

I wrote her a ton of insulting texts and broke up with her the next day.

We've had very limited contact since.

[merlin4926]

He was busy lining up my replacement. Told me I was being paranoid but then I saw messages on his phone from her - he was very mad as he had wanted to keep me hanging on until he had secured her. He dumped me then kept recycling with me until she left her husband than he engineered massive fight between us.  I told him I was done being used and not to contact me - he freaked out as don't think he thought I'd ever be strong enough. He used his "hurt and anguish" for sympathy and now he's living with her and has a whole new life (has even changed his name AGAIN )

[Deeno02]

She did. Slowly, steadily began pushing me out of her and her kids lives. Constant verbal, emotional and mental abuse. Kept getting the your a bad boyfriend speeches. The final treat me special or lose me made me snap and I didnt talk to her for a week while I tried to sort out my emotions. I decided that this is the woman I loved and it was worth the fight, was going to propose(already had ring before this occurred) and when I called her, she dumped me and had already moved on to another guy. Poof! Just like that. A final "I finally know what I want" and she was gone. Spent next couple weeks trying to piece it back together, but nope. That was 5 months ago and she gets her "happiness" and I get therapy and meds... .

[parisian]

First breakup: I called it off. My intuition ws saying hell no. I didn't listen to it enough and started going through the awful withdrawals, and didn't realise what that was. That was the time I noticed terrible anxiety starting. We recycled after 6 weeks.

The second time: I called it off only 7 months later. Thinking she was a healthy, normal individual, I found I could not speak with her about her behaviour that was upsetting me (no empathy, raging, inability to talk about things, no laughter). I sent an email and she got upset by that, and we still could not talk about things like healthy couples do. She said she couldn't change and that no one had ever said those things about her previously.  

One night she was supposed to come around my place, and I noticed the gut-wrenching knot of anxiety in my stomach. So I made a spontaneous decision, and called it off. I felt instant relief following that. I've never felt instant relief in calling off a relationship before. I've been nervous and sad, but not relieved in such a strong way. Of course then I went through the withdrawals, as we all do, but I am still so glad I ended it when I did, and not let it drag out, limp on, get worse for years after and waste even more of my life.

I've never heard anyone on here say that after a reasonable length of time after the breakup, that they were truly regretful about that.  Everyone goes through the withdrawal phase, but once you start to get your life back, there's no turning back. Ever.

[LeftSidePain]

She ended it the last time.

Over the course of the years I had kicked her out 3 times only to have her come back within a week. Before that I tried twice to kick her out, but felt sorry for her and never followed through. The last time was her second time leaving. The first time she left on her own it was because I had kicked her daughter out of the home for threatening me. The last time I knew it was going to be the last.

Two weeks before we left she planned a vacation for us. This woman had never ever followed through with any plans so I was shocked that she did this time and was actually over the moon about it thinking she was changing. Little did I know.

The trip was for camping and hiking. Something we had never done. My replacement is a hard core camper and hiker and I found out later this was her dry run. I noticed her posing when taking pictures next to the tent and fire and thought it very odd, but didn't know about the OM. She had friended him on Fakebook and was infatuated with his lifestyle.

The day before we were to come back I bought her some summer beer to enjoy since we didn't have any kids or responsibilities and she flipped the switch. She didn't want any of it. She was tired of my drinking. She said she would get a knot in her stomach every time I drank. It was over blown reaction to a non problem. I drank maybe 4 beers on a weekend night and wasn't abusive in any form when drinking. I was perplexed, but shrugged my shoulders and stared at the fire.

Once we got home I watched it all in slow motion. Ignoring me, ignoring our children, hair getting done, working out, losing weight, tanning. I'd ask for her to spend some time with me and she'd make every excuse in the book not to. I knew then and there it was over. On a side note; She now looks worse than when she left me. Gained all the weight back plus some, stopped working out, tanning or taking care of herself. She is back to tattered clothes and all.

She was getting more abusive as the week wore on interrupting me when I spoke, hitting me with things, ignoring me and by Saturday (two weeks after Vacation) I'd had enough. I asked her why she is acting this way and what is wrong. It started in a downward spiral so I stopped and walked a way. I sent her an email with all the things I wanted to talk about and told her we should communicate this way since we can't speak to each other anymore. She never answered back the email so I confronted her about it and the argument broke down with her covering her face and running into the bathroom locking the door and crying. I opened the door and she buried herself in the corner. I was yelling "What is wrong with you?" "Why won't you look at me?" She finally did and she was staring through me. I asked her "What the hell is wrong with you?" and she just started screaming in jibberish. I honestly mean words that could not be deciphered.

My eldest thought I was hurting her and ran across the street for help. I came out of the bathroom and was in shock I had no idea what just happened. My neighbor asked if everything was alright and I left the house.

She texted me she was gone and took the children. I spoke to her on Sunday at her mothers house. I tried as best as I could to avoid the divorce, but I knew it was over. I contacted a lawyer on Monday.

We have had many fights over the years. This is the first one I had ever seen like this. No matter what I loved this woman and was willing to die for her and what I saw that day was somebody that was lost and scared. I knew she was mentally ill at that point I just thought it was postpartum depression. Our youngest was 7 months old at the time.

About two weeks after she moved out she talked to me and said... "I don't know who I am anymore." The signs were always there I just didn't know what they were. They magnified greatly after our last child.

Looking back I wish I had known about therapy options for us. It might have been able to save the R/S. Her leaving was probably the best for both of us. I had no idea of BPD or anything else related to it and if she stayed we were going down a dark path. Once she left I went to therapy and it was there that I was told of Bi Polar and I just followed the signs until I got here.

Even though I am disgusted with her and her behavior. Even though I am hurt very deeply and feel like I failed as a partner and a father. I wish her happiness if only for the sake of her having some internal peace and my children to be safe and happy.

[missblue]

He ended it, the first major one and a few short rounds afterwards.

Why... .uh... .that's the hard question.

I've got all sorts of random, non-related nonsense excuses I've been given at various times... .which may or may not have any connection to reality. I usually just leave it at "he went crazy on me".

[FrenchConnection]

First time i broke up with her was because she yelled at me in a movie theater before the movie started.  She yelled at me for no logical reason and she was very rude while doing it.  In front of her children and my children and everyone else.  It was the first time i saw her totally lose it and i did not recognize this person at all.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed.   Later that night there was no apology just continued rudeness.  So i left and ended the relationship.

Second time (after our recycle) was when she again lost it and went completely out of control on me.  Yelling, abusive, lost her mind.  Thankfully, it was on the phone.  I told her goodbye.  We hung up and that was it.  Over.

Finally, Third time (2nd recycle) was when she lost it again at my home.  I understood at this point time that she had BPD but even with that knowledge i just could not take the intense blowup.  Completely irrational behavior and false accusations.  Her cruel and hateful words and he refusal to calm down and talk like an adult.  That was when i decided to close that book forever. 

Now i am no contact and feel good.  I know i made the right decision to try and recycle and give this another chance.  Now i know beyond any reason of doubt that i did all i could to make this relationship work.  I can hold my head high and move on.  She has the disorder and it's her problem.  I tried to help but she refused it.  I love her but you can't make a horse drink if they don't want to. 

Shake the dirt off my boots and move on.

[.cup.car]

First: Gave me the silent treatement for a few weeks, wouldn't respond to calls, facebook, etc. Finally responded a few weeks before Christmas and claimed she was a lesbian and this whole thing between us was stressing her out. Then claimed her dad was beating her as she was talking to me. Cut contact with me after that.

Second: Again, claimed she was a lesbian and this whole thing between us was stressing her out.

Third: Asked her out to coffee to talk about some stuff (she'd gone on a tirade about wanting to go to jail), blocked me on all social media platforms known to man. Got in touch with her friend, and her friend ended up being her secret lesbian "fiancee." I put the term fiancee in quotations because they'd never actually met and she was just another random girl she'd met on an online dating site that she'd added on Facebook. Finally got a random text from my ex two weeks later claiming we've never dated and I was making everything up and stalking her.

[Tim300]

claiming we've never dated

Love the rewrites.   

[noahspath]

My BPDex broke up with me numerous times, typically to the effect of "You know what? I'm done!" only to retract the statement a few hours later. Sometimes she twisted the phrase to mean she was done with the argument, yet continued with the criticism and down-talking. Initially the breakups made me feel anxious, guilty, etc. Eventually I could see the pattern and predict her retraction. I would repeat to her,"Okay, you're done. That's okay." She would always take it back.

The first lengthy breakup was about a week. Before I realized she had BPD we argued and I would only allow myself to say things I believed were true. While she would sling insults I would tell her she was being emotionally abusive or ask her why she was such an angry person. I'm not programmed to sit around calling my partner names, so I tried to identify what I saw and not say things intended to hurt. What do they call that, damage control? The misdeed of calling her an emotional abuser and an angry person became the internalization of "You hate the very core of me." So, she broke up with me. Following the breakup was a huge episode involving accusations of compromising housing for her and her daughter, a lot of slander, spreading misinformation about my character and what I did/didn't do, what my intentions were, etc. I basically hid out for a week thinking someone was going to confront me if I went anywhere. She eventually apologized, I came home, we made up, recycle.

The second lengthy and final breakup came about 4 months later, right before christmas. We had a few arguments and there was a lot of distance b/w us. I made efforts to foster closeness and received a lot of rejection. The last argument came when I was 5 minutes late for a play we were going to see and she didn't like the way I apologized for it. Her pursuit of the proper apology was relentless and degrading, so I told her I'm moving out on January 1st. Seven months of on/off again relationship stability, push/pull closeness, name slinging, slander and yelling, no growth of emotional intimacy with contradictions abound. On top of that, we were living with her 17 month old baby and I was essentially her father - consoling her in the night, changing diapers, waking up with her, bathing, dressing, cooking/feeding her meals, taking her to daycare, teaching her about the world around her, reading her books. I realized that our turbulence was creating an unhealthy environment for a person who was so incredibly impressionable and was soaking in information at an amazing rate. I was unwilling to partake in patterns that could harm this beautiful little person. Somehow, in my ex's mind, the breakup morphed into her deciding I was moving out and she had broken up with me. Nice revisionist history there. She tried to recycle me, saying "I didn't want to break up with you, I just didn't see any other option." She told me she loved me, that I was hurting her. Less than a week later she started dating and we were still living together. I ignored it all, plowed through and arranged a place to stay until I can sign a lease to a new place. If she can move on to new emotional territory that quickly then I was just a temporary fix for her. I moved out 11 days ago, on January 3rd and have no intention of going back.

I know that I ended it and I know why I made that decision. She thinks she ended it and that's fine by me. I think about her often, miss certain things about her, but know that our relationship was unsustainable. I've added an affirmation to my morning routine for her; "I have the power to feel love, compassion and empathy."

[.cup.car]

claiming we've never dated

Love the rewrites.   

It's not a good scenario when you're being edgy teenagers and sneaking around behind everybody's backs either. We had one mutual friend who could confirm where and how we met. When s**t hit the fan, it was ridiculously easy for her to make up practically anything since nobody could really confirm or deny it.

[whythisgirl]

My uBPDexbf broke it off with me because he found out that my ex had my new number. Long story short my ex and I are friends and share a dog. He watched the dog while I was out of state so I gave him my new number. The reason my number was changed in the first place was because my of the verbal abuse my uBPDexbf put me through. Well he was upset to know my Rx had my number even though he knew about this arrangement before we got into a relationship. But this was out last fight as of 2 days ago. He breaks up with me every 2 weeks because he is paranoid and he thinks I lie about everything and cheat with my ex. The crazy things is that I am with him 24/7 so the one moment I break away from his his paranoia kicks in.

[HappyNihilist]

now he's living with her and has a whole new life (has even changed his name AGAIN )

merlin, this is interesting to me -- my exbf had also changed his name before. He did so around 30, after his incredibly tumultuous 20s before he started therapy.