It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it

[Mutt]

Hi all,

Roughly 2 years ago I was in a session with my P. My wife had left me about 3 months prior and I like many members here I was deeply hurt. In this session I told her I had a daydream in the shower. I was daydreaming about being in the shower at my ex-laws house. How warm the shower was and how cool the air in the basement was. The house was a comfortable place and brought a lot of good memories. The wife and I often drove to see her parents and I liked to get away from it all in the city. They lived in a very small town and I often helped out FIL with house renovations. He was a big loss because I felt close to him and it was easy to get along with him.

I asked her "Why am I getting old random memories that pop-up into my mind from nowhere?"

She said "Mutt, because you are grieving" "This is natural"

A few days ago I got a simple email from my ex. It said "I don't want you to hear this from the kids but we're expecting a baby" I was reading the last line of the email on my phone and I felt shock, anger and pain. It felt as if her words had touched deep wounds and I was surprised at how quickly it touched me there.

What surfaced are memories I have not thought about since grieving, the good memories of a young family starting up when the kids were babies and how the landscape changed. That hurt the most. It also triggered painful memories of the affair and the pain attached to it.

On the other hand, I'm happy this is not news that I received when I was detaching and grieving because it was tough.

I'm preaching to the choir on how difficult these break-up are. I'm so thankful for this community as it helps so much to simply talk with others that understand. Divorce is incredibly tough and I think doubly so with someone with a personality disorder - borderline personality disorder. The lack of empathy and invalidation from my ex when she got up and left for another man, followed by the invalidation from family and friends believing the distortions that I was abusive and she's standing up for herself.

It's incredible how this news was a direct shot to the wounds and the hurt deep. A wise person said this baby may be a test to gauge how far I've come and how much further I have to go and sometimes the last little bit is the hardest.

I also think this may be a testament as to how it's not the load the breaks you, it's how you carry it and acknowledging that this wound is a scar that I can learn how to wear proudly.

This feels like a set-back. Thanks for listening.

[clydegriffith]

I feel your pain. I highly suspected the BPDx was hiding a pregnancy from me as she avoided seeing me for about 6 months. We usually meet when we exchange my daughter but she had been using her mom to do that under the guise that she was working. Anyhow, even pretty much knowing that this was mostly likely the case it still really hit me hard once it was confirmed by her mother. I dont know why i was at all shocked since i presumed that was the case anyway but it really did hit me.

[Hawk Ridge]

I can relate to this so much, Mutt.  I remember the kick in the stomach when she contacted me last May to tell me she was in a relationship with my replacement within 2 months of our breakup.  I couldn't understand how that could be if she left me to be alone to grieve her ex before me.  Cognitive dissonance.  My T says she told me to hurt me. I, of course, bought into her line that she told me herself to do it 'for' me.   Thank God it was via email so she couldn't tell my response. I responded kindly, stating wished her only happiness. The consolation I take in this is that the likelihood of her finding happiness is not very high and is certainly not, I realize now,something I can impact.  In the last month, I finally turned a corner on my grief where it is no longer so debilitating.  I respect the pain you, I and all of us have gone through that I choose to look at it as it is better in this very moment, knowing a trigger can come up and derail me.  Yesterday, she told me she was going to get a new dog soon as hers passed this weekend, 2 days earlier!  She had put this dog before our relationship and all other decisions in life and she is going to replace it... .it triggered in me how easily and rapidly I was replaced.  In my improved level of functioning, and I don't know if this has been your experience, that I know this wave of grief is less in magnitude than the previous ones.  I choose to believe and now accept with greater understanding than I previously possessed that the waves of grief will continue throughout my life.  I have been changed forever as a result of this type of relationship.  When I accept the waves will remain, in lessening points of magnitude, I can accept I am getting better of life's new and different terms.  Where I will never be the person i was before, I will also never be harmed by her to that level of incapacitation again.  mutt, I follow your comments a lot.  You provide such wisdom and hope while possessing great humility about your journey.  Thank you for this.  I hope the image of these waves provides with you with some comfort back.  Enjoy the warm sand between the waves and know she can't pull under the undertow anymore... .our feet just get wet for a bit until the next wave until the next point of dry sand.   Holding your hand on the beach... .we'll just keep walking, ok

[Mutt]

clydegriffith,

I'm sorry to hear that. That's hard she's hiding the pregnancy from you and you hear it from her mom. This hit me hard as well.

Hawk Ridge,

It's possible she may of said it to hurt me. I say this because she says "I want to tell you so you don't hear it from the kids". I got a similar message when she told me 3 weeks after she left this way that she had a boyfriend and when he moved in April of last year. I'm sorry to hear you were told about her new replationship and the new dog this way.

I'm kind when I respond to her by e-mail and I was hoping perhaps one day we can open a line of communication for the kids. I didn't congratulate her because I didn't know what to say. I responded back kindly about the kids. It showed me why I was LC for so long because personal information is a trigger for me and maybe now is not the time to think of bridging the gap.

I agree, the magnitude with the wave of grief is bearable than say when I was grieving when she left. I felt pain when I woke up until I went to sleep every day for several months. Thanks for sharing that the waves of grief may continue throughout my life. My mom died when I was 8 and there's still grief there many years later and the magnitude is not the same.

What also hurts is the lack of impulse control and how quickly she settled down with him. I see things clearly and I see how different her view of our relationship was different than mine. I was swapped out for someone else. It hurts to see this play out in front of me and what we had was not how I had conceived it to be.

I hope the image of these waves provides with you with some comfort back.  Enjoy the warm sand between the waves and know she can't pull under the undertow anymore... .our feet just get wet for a bit until the next wave until the next point of dry sand.   Holding your hand on the beach... .we'll just keep walking, ok

Thank you so much Hawk Ridge. I really like your analogy.

It shows me how I don't want love from a woman with BPD. I want a different kind of love.

[LeftSidePain]

I actually envy both of you. Mutt and Hawk. To have someone that is somewhat emotionally mature to at least contact you and let you know. That shows that they at least are capable of empathy on some level.

I had to learn of my replacement from my then 3 yr old child. Who then my 14 yr old child confirmed. To which I asked my Ex who had been gone a whole 45 days if this was true and after much deliberation I got the truth. It was two days later my eldest no longer wanted to come to my house and my Ex was taking full custody. I watched my life walk out the door angry at me for this and my Ex tell me "My god it's not like she won't be back for the weekend."

I also had to hear of her sexual exploits in the bedroom with the OM and loose behavior on the couch from my 14 yr old around Christmas time. It was wonderful.

"The consolation I take in this is that the likelihood of her finding happiness is not very high and is certainly not, I realize now,something I can impact." -  This is what I am beginning to realize myself.

"I have been changed forever as a result of this type of relationship." - It will have been for the better.

"Where I will never be the person i was before" - I hope I never am that person ever again.

"I will also never be harmed by her to that level of incapacitation again." - Nor will I let anyone move me to that place again.

Some day you will ache like I ache.

[Harri]

Hi Mutt.  The title of this thread caught my eye.  It is so true. 

I imagine right now, this does feel like a set back, but I think you know it will pass and you will get through this having progressed even farther along in your recovery.  That is not much comfort though because right now it hurts.  Of course it hurts.  Wounds hurt.    

You know how people say time heals all wounds?  I hate that phrase.  Phooey!  Time heals nothing.  Time dulls allowing us to gain perspective.  So when something like this comes along, the feelings are going to resurface and like you said, it then becomes a matter of how you carry it.  Such wise words.  They speak to your ability to work this through and heal even more.  I like what your wise friend said: 

A wise person said this baby may be a test to gauge how far I've come and how much further I have to go and sometimes the last little bit is the hardest.

Yes, exactly.  So just ride the emotions through and as long as you turn it into an opportunity to heal and grow, you will come out of this.

Carry on Mutt.   

[billypilgrim]

Hey Mutt,

I second the comments regarding your standing in this community.  I have found many of your posts to be helpful beyond explanation.  You always seem cool and collected while others of us seem too wrapped up in why our ex's did this or that.  I strive to have your resolve and composure that you display on these boards in my own life.  It saddens me to hear you that you feel as though you have hit a set-back.   If it's any consolation, your post has made me realize how intense and serious of a process grieving the loss of this sort of r/s is.  It truly is an experience on a plane and magnitude all on its own.  

clydegriffith,

What also hurts is the lack of impulse control and how quickly she settled down with him. I see things clearly and I see how different her view of our relationship was different than mine. I was swapped out for someone else. It hurts to see this play out in front of me and what we had was not how I had conceived it to be.

I hear you on this Mutt.  This has been difficult.  What I thought I had versus reality were completely different.  Same goes for what she thought about our relationship.  There was her view, my view, and reality.  I suppose that's true for just about anything but I guess the issue is that I thought these distinctly different views were all the same.  How do you reconcile this?  Chalk it up to a mistake?  A lapse in judgement?  There's not going to be a satisfactory explanation no matter how I slice it.  

I suppose there has been some progress made in that I'm starting to realize that these sorts of ruminations regarding her condition and my search for explanations are starting to serve as reminders to me that I need to focus on myself and the journey ahead.  That journey doesn't involve constantly looking back at what was crazy, it involves looking forward at building healthy relationships.  Your last line summed things up nicely.

It shows me how I don't want love from a woman with BPD. I want a different kind of love.

Best of luck Mutt, I hope you find that different kind of love.  

[Elpis]

Oh Mutt,

i'm sorry to hear of your new pain. It makes me wonder what's down the road for me as well!

The sucky bit to me is that in a movie, those waves of good memories (I loved that time of our young married life too when we were becoming a family) are followed by an awakening on both parts of the relationship where they realize they have so much great history they can't possibly have with anyone else, and they end up restoring and improving their relationship.

Not always true. For those of us not suffering with a PD, we will remember those great times and recognize that special history we shared. For our PD partners, every detail is remembered so differently that who knows what they are even thinking? And they don't even want to restore the r/s for the same reasons, to improve, to love better and more thoroughly.

But, like you, in the grieving as those special memories waft over me, i'll hold them and treasure them for the gift they were at the time... .and nobody can take those lovely memories away from us. The very fact we remember them as we do makes us the deep and loving people we are. 

[Deeno02]

Mutt,

Guess it really doesnt matter what the situation is for us. The who, what, where, how just doesnt matter. Thousands of stories, a cast of thousands, but all pretty much the same outcome, crushing defeat. We now have to concentrate on carrying that load and not let it bend or break us,,because if it does, they win. I will not give her that satisfaction. I will not allow it, nor should anyone of us. They are not worthy of our shame or guilt over a failed relationship that was out of our control from day one. I will wear my scars from this r/s as a badge of honor as I will become stronger from it, and, to quote The Who "Wont get fooled again". Eventually, Mutt, we will all be at a place that you so well quoted:

"It shows me how I don't want love from a woman with BPD. I want a different kind of love."

Hang in there man, vent all you want. God knows you listened to me rant and rave. Its the least I can do.

[Mutt]

I actually envy both of you. Mutt and Hawk. To have someone that is somewhat emotionally mature to at least contact you and let you know. That shows that they at least are capable of empathy on some level.

I agree. She does show some level of empathy. She emailed today and told me to pick up the kids at daycare instead of her home. I think she's doing this for me.

LeftSidePain I'm sorry for what you had to go through. Gone for 45 days, taking full custody of your D and you find out through your kids. That's tough  

I think one thing that triggered anger in me was because it was him and not another boyfriend that had nothing to do with our break-up. I'm reminded of the affair. It felt like it came out of left field and it really surprised how quickly it hurt. I'll lean into this pain.

A goal I can work on.

As hard as it is to accept, this baby is coming and will most likely be loved by your kids, just like they love each other.  Try to see this child not as your ex's, but as an innocent child who is very special to your kids.  Try to de-personalize this child from your ex and her affair and focus on his/her connection to your children whom you love.  

Wise words. It's true. It's about the love my kids have for their new sibling and depersonalize the baby from my ex and the affair and focus on the connection the baby has with my kids.

[myself]

Accepting that our exes are continuing on with their lives is part of our 'Acceptance', especially for those who are LC/have kids together, and you're a great example of that here, thank you. The pain of this, as your thread title refers to, can be lessened by how you face and carry it. Being negative around your kids about their sibling could also make them wonder how you 'really feel' about them, so yeah, don't go down that road as best you can. Hang in there Mutt. It's just another time you didn't let things knock you down, in fact you're getting stronger from it as you go. Deep breath in: "It Is." Deep breath out: "What It Is." Her path isn't your path, too.

[Mutt]

Accepting that our exes are continuing on with their lives is part of our 'Acceptance', especially for those who are LC/have kids together, and you're a great example of that here, thank you. The pain of this, as your thread title refers to, can be lessened by how you face and carry it. Being negative around your kids about their sibling could also make them wonder how you 'really feel' about them, so yeah, don't go down that road as best you can. Hang in there Mutt. It's just another time you didn't let things knock you down, in fact you're getting stronger from it as you go. Deep breath in: "It Is." Deep breath out: "What It Is." Her path isn't your path, too.

Hi songbook,

Thank you.

[Hadlee]

So sorry to hear that, Mitt.  Big hugs to you

[jhkbuzz]

Hi all,

Roughly 2 years ago I was in a session with my P. My wife had left me about 3 months prior and I like many members here I was deeply hurt. In this session I told her I had a daydream in the shower. I was daydreaming about being in the shower at my ex-laws house. How warm the shower was and how cool the air in the basement was. The house was a comfortable place and brought a lot of good memories. The wife and I often drove to see her parents and I liked to get away from it all in the city. They lived in a very small town and I often helped out FIL with house renovations. He was a big loss because I felt close to him and it was easy to get along with him.

I asked her "Why am I getting old random memories that pop-up into my mind from nowhere?"

She said "Mutt, because you are grieving" "This is natural"

A few days ago I got a simple email from my ex. It said "I don't want you to hear this from the kids but we're expecting a baby" I was reading the last line of the email on my phone and I felt shock, anger and pain. It felt as if her words had touched deep wounds and I was surprised at how quickly it touched me there.

What surfaced are memories I have not thought about since grieving, the good memories of a young family starting up when the kids were babies and how the landscape changed. That hurt the most. It also triggered painful memories of the affair and the pain attached to it.

On the other hand, I'm happy this is not news that I received when I was detaching and grieving because it was tough.

I'm preaching to the choir on how difficult these break-up are. I'm so thankful for this community as it helps so much to simply talk with others that understand. Divorce is incredibly tough and I think doubly so with someone with a personality disorder - borderline personality disorder. The lack of empathy and invalidation from my ex when she got up and left for another man, followed by the invalidation from family and friends believing the distortions that I was abusive and she's standing up for herself.

It's incredible how this news was a direct shot to the wounds and the hurt deep. A wise person said this baby may be a test to gauge how far I've come and how much further I have to go and sometimes the last little bit is the hardest.

I also think this may be a testament as to how it's not the load the breaks you, it's how you carry it and acknowledging that this wound is a scar that I can learn how to wear proudly.

This feels like a set-back. Thanks for listening.

After I read your post it made me think of a quote I once read from Rose Kennedy:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

[Mutt]

After I read your post it made me think of a quote I once read from Rose Kennedy:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

I like this and I agree.

It made me think. I stayed seperated from advice I was given by an L.

"she's impulsive, she'll approach you when she's ready to get married. She may give away concessions to get married as quickly as possible"

The logic is sound. I think what the news telegraphs to me is its time to start the divorce proceedings. To tie up the loose ends and end the contract. It may give leverage with the professionals. She's living with a man and having his baby.

What matters most are the kids. I have to accept reality for what it is. The kids are going to have a new baby brother or sister and depersonalize the affair and my ex.

The unconditional love the siblings have for each other is what matters most and I'll put my focus there and nurture this.

[Hawk Ridge]

Mutt... .you are a very good man, inspiring even in your pain... .her disease made a big mistake... .a very good man

[jhkbuzz]

After I read your post it made me think of a quote I once read from Rose Kennedy:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

I like this and I agree.

It made me think. I stayed seperated from advice I was given by an L.

"she's impulsive, she'll approach you when she's ready to get married. She may give away concessions to get married as quickly as possible"

The logic is sound. I think what the news telegraphs to me is its time to start the divorce proceedings. To tie up the loose ends and end the contract. It may give leverage with the professionals. She's living with a man and having his baby.

What matters most are the kids. I have to accept reality for what it is. The kids are going to have a new baby brother or sister and depersonalize the affair and my ex.

The unconditional love the siblings have for each other is what matters most and I'll put my focus there and nurture this.

That sounds like a solid plan, Mutt.  And I'm sorry for your pain  :'(

[HappyNihilist]

Mutt, I'm so sorry you're having a tough time.   You're such a source of wisdom, compassion, and inspiration. I hate that you have to deal with this incredibly difficult situation.

It's completely understandable that news of your ex's pregnancy would hit hard. It's not a setback at all.

After I read your post it made me think of a quote I once read from Rose Kennedy:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

I love this quote.

Think of losing a limb. After the initial grieving, you will begin to adapt to your new situation. You're the same person you were before, but your life and your perspective will never be the same again. With inner strength, time, and effort, you adjust and heal... .you can have an even happier, more fulfilling life... .but there will always be things that remind you of your loss. And in those moments it will feel like you're right back in those initial sad, scary days.

The logic is sound. I think what the news telegraphs to me is its time to start the divorce proceedings. To tie up the loose ends and end the contract. It may give leverage with the professionals. She's living with a man and having his baby.

I definitely think you should go with what you feel is best. You deserve your closure. 

The unconditional love the siblings have for each other is what matters most and I'll put my focus there and nurture this.

That is so beautiful. Your children are very lucky to have such a wonderful father. 

[Pingo]

Hi Mutt, I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. That would be terribly triggering, especially that you have kids with her who will be part of this baby's life.  Your attitude about the unconditional love between the children is so healthy!  You have such a huge heart Mutt, it comes through in all the help and wisdom you share with all of us!

I think what the news telegraphs to me is its time to start the divorce proceedings. To tie up the loose ends and end the contract. It may give leverage with the professionals. She's living with a man and having his baby.

I think that you are probably right.  You can use this pain to push you forward and take care of yourself.  Sending you big hugs! 

[Mutt]

I've had time and help to sort through this stuff. My T had a family emergency and unfortunately he couldn't make the appointment. I've been talking to a friend which has helped with putting things into it's perspective. Although, I'll go in for a few sessions with my T.One reason is because I want to ask him how he got there. I recall our last session a few months ago. The last thing he says to me "Mutt have you ever considered working in this field?" " I said "No, but I'd like to give it some thought.

I'm feeling better and thought today I feel great. I think a partial reason is acceptance. I think I missed the mark in a couple of areas. My friend said "it sounds like you may need another year to stabilize" and I believe this to be right on target. A couple of years ago my goal was to get back into the dating pool after a couple of years and allowing myself to simply go through the grieving process. I know now that I need more time to be able to commit time and attention to dating as I have other goals in mind and really let things settle down.

It's been difficult listening to some family members and friends and their opinion about the whole thing. I realized that it hurts to hear how crazy they all think she is, after all I did make the choice to marry her? It feels like it's a bad reflection on myself and maybe they think they're helping me. I don't like the emotional attachment and drama as I want to focus on me and taking care of myself. For example I may mention about family law and they may say something like "Mutt, that can't be right it doesn't work that way!" I do my homework and call lawyers before I mention this stuff and it feels invalidating.  They have a right to their opinions and it's not for me to worry about what they think.

On the one hand, some family members are distant and others very close geographically. They could check in and ask how I'm doing or if they'd like to cone visit the kids or help me out a little. I could also call them.  It's accepting that I'm on my own in this irl co-parenting with a PD which can be incredibly challenging . They look at her behaviors and say she's crazy or mean things and she has our 3 kids that look to her as their mother a person they love unconditionally.  I feel sadness for this poor baby and the difficulties the child is going to face with the parents. Poor kid.

Granted I count myself lucky to have the support network here and I talk to a T. I wouldn't want to fathom the difficulty curve with not having a place to talk about PD. That said, I'm letting go of what friends and family think. At the end of the day dad has to take care of himself so I have the strength to be there for the kids.

Lastly, it's accepting that these are my exe's choices albeit impulsive ones and understanding that she has legitimate impairments and it's not for me to get enmeshed in her stuff or take on her emotions. She's really going into areas that I'm not comfortable with which is going to take radical acceptance.

It's also recognizing the good vs bad triangulations and moving myself in the center of either polarized roles she casts with myself and her SO. I notice lately she's been shifting between savior, persecutor and victim. I think I got to a place where things were calm and quiet and I realize if it's not one thing it's something else with my ex. She's going to be in my life for a substantial amount of time due to kids. The goal is to be "centered".

Above all, real change feels good and changing my attitude. I'm proud that I stopped the conflict from my end and did the hard work to de-personalize the behaviors and change the way that I communicate. I validate when it's warranted and use SET. It's not to say she doesn't bait or she's not looking to project her emotions on me. What I'm saying is that I can have compassion and have boundaries.

I also accept that she copes day by day a sad state of affairs being able to clearly see this - I wish her the best of luck and I'll be the catchers mitt for the kids. I plan to continue putting my head down for them and accept that I'm not quite out of the woods yet. The dust shall settle and my life will stabilize.

[Elpis]

So much of what you've just said shows your strength and growth:

It's accepting that I'm on my own in this irl co-parenting with a PD which can be incredibly challenging . They look at her behaviors and say she's crazy or mean things and she has our 3 kids that look to her as their mother a person they love unconditionally.

It's hard to listen to the words of others sometimes. While I know I chose to marry my uBPDh, I also realize that he has changed over the years, the behaviors seem to have become more frequent and more pronounced. The point is that we did love them, and after we've reached some acceptance of the situation it hurts to hear bad words about that person. (though I imagine you're right, fam and friends think they're being supportive by saying negative things.) The legal stuff though, I get what you mean since it would be nice if people could realize you're not an idiot and do check out the legalities before you talk about them. We've had enough invalidation to last a few lifetimes!

Lastly, it's accepting that these are my exe's choices albeit impulsive ones and understanding that she has legitimate impairments and it's not for me to get enmeshed in her stuff or take on her emotions. She's really going into areas that I'm not comfortable with which is going to take radical acceptance.

It's also recognizing the good vs bad triangulations and moving myself in the center of either polarized roles she casts with myself and her SO. I notice lately she's been shifting between savior, persecutor and victim. I think I got to a place where things were calm and quiet and I realize if it's not one thing it's something else with my ex. She's going to be in my life for a substantial amount of time due to kids. The goal is to be "centered".

I hope you realize how huge this is--you've come to accept so much truth about your ex, and to understand and see the roles she plays. This will help you so much as you are there for your kids, you'll have more information to help them grow in a healthy way. I didn't know till I was in my 30s how to accept that my mother had these extreme bad and good parts, they seemed so entirely different. You'll understand and be able to help them accept the totality of their mother.

Above all, real change feels good and changing my attitude. I'm proud that I stopped the conflict from my end and did the hard work to de-personalize the behaviors and change the way that I communicate. I validate when it's warranted and use SET. It's not to say she doesn't bait or she's not looking to project her emotions on me. What I'm saying is that I can have compassion and have boundaries.

I also accept that she copes day by day a sad state of affairs being able to clearly see this - I wish her the best of luck and I'll be the catchers mitt for the kids. I plan to continue putting my head down for them and accept that I'm not quite out of the woods yet. The dust shall settle and my life will stabilize.

This is so huge, dude! I can only pray for the day I get there in my acceptance of what goes on with my uBPDh and my grown kids. And it's a journey, right?

Elpis

[Mutt]

Hi Elpis,

Speaking of journeys. I read a quote I liked the other day.

“The real magic lies not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” —Marcel Proust

It is hard listening to the words of others sometimes and I think this is where boundaries applies. I'll address it with family members the next time they mention something like "I'm sorry, my ex is not something I'm comfortable talking about. I hope you understand. Thanks" I understand my truth.

It's accepting that some family members have their own per-conceived notion about me or that they can't seem to see the good parts as well, it's not the same as my ex where she sees me wholly bad, it is to say someone's opinion doesn't define your reality. Perhaps it is a part of their personality and it's something I try to depersonalize although I didn't feel centered this past month or so. I love them all, it hurts that they don't see the good man that I am. I could say also say it's sad that they sort of live with their blinders on. My wife taught me that you can't control someone else, you can only control how you react to it.

It felt like I came out of a street fight when I arrived here and pumped up on adrenaline with all of the conflict I had with my ex for many years. I was angry for many reasons, a reason was being abandoned. I learned about BPD and started to peel back the layers on a different reality than what I had thought I had experienced. It took time to for me to separate the person from the disorder and understand that she's also had her own lifetime of trials and tribulations and I'm sure she's been misunderstood by many people that she's known in her life.

There's a person with clinical depressions and seeing the world in either extremes of all good and all bad. The person that I know is thoughtful, displays acts of kindness, has a sense of humour and one that I did call friend. She doesn't have the ability to make an emotional connection and bit by bit over the years her distorted belief system transformed me into a wholly bad image and this may flip-flop or it may not.

I understand that she has impaired social skills and she's trying with rapprochement. I had a high fence up and I've lowered the fence for the kids as I wouldn't want them to try to be mediators for either of us when they're older. I'm still split black and I've come a long way, she can be very difficult and the tools I have picked up here have been tremendous help with my emotional reactions and how I communicate.

[Elpis]

A very artsy quote. I like it a lot!

Your journey sounds pretty familiar. You think you're dealing with a mountain lion and it turns out to be a bear. So you start quickly Googling how to deal with a bear and realizing you've been doing it all wrong!

I'm glad my kids are grown and not going through the things yours are, though you sound like the kind of dad who will really have their backs. I didn't understand all that till far too late in their lives. You're gonna teach them good things!

I hate other people's mislead notions. Not looking at the truth of us. So unnecessary.

Are you starting to feel any more balanced again?

[Mutt]

Your journey sounds pretty familiar. You think you're dealing with a mountain lion and it turns out to be a bear. So you start quickly Googling how to deal with a bear and realizing you've been doing it all wrong!

I like that!

I feel more centered and I don't feel quite there yet. I have moments were I recall family moments ( her family, old friends ) I wouldn't say it's depression I think it shows the significance of the loss and how it affected not just my life the life of 5 other people and the after effects on my kids. I then think of the bad moments in our marriage and it helps to recenter. I'm focused in key areas and understanding what's important, self care and the kids and other plans that I want to tend to.

It also shows how quickly things changed over the last couple of years. I was digging myself out of a hole, she was moving at the speed of light, into his arms, him into her home and she having his baby. It may of been a slow turn around and painful although I'm smarter and wiser with choices now, whereas I think her new family is at the cusp of a path to self destruction. The same pattern instigated by her impulses and fears.  She taught me anything in w can happen, who knows perhaps she may seek help with him. I'm empathic to her fears and I don't take things to heart when she's mean or baits. A very significant difference in how I deal with conflict than 1 year or 2 years ago.

I feel like it's a test and the last bit can be the hardest. I understand now the place where I'm at, there's a little bit more and it's going to take a little more time to stabilize. There's comfort in knowing that I'm wise, smart, and I have a good head on my shoulders to get through this and be there for the kids. I have my emotional wounds and that's OK. I like the person that I am and the person that I've become because of my ex. As you say Elpis, I have the kids backs and whom better to have their backs than me?  

She had talked about divorce many times in the marriage and taking the kids. I recall telling her "not on my watch" and I've followed through. I was resilient with her and I was split black, I learned to be less resilient, empathic and understanding.

Now the bleeding has stopped, it's time to remove the system I had in place, parallel parenting and find my way through co-parenting. I've had a lot of time to calm down. Work through my stuff and her abandonment and collapse of my marriage.


I may not be centered all of the time but I trust myself enough that I'll get through this. I have a learned a wealth of life lessons in the last two years and I continue to learn something new every day. I think that's what's important about life - get up and try again and be the best person that you can be. Be kind always. You don't know the battles someone else is facing.