Divorce and BPD

[funfunctional]

It is difficult enough having a BPD person in a family but try throwing divorce into the mix.  This is the worst case scenaria.    My MIL with BPD knew exactly what to do to cause the most collateral damage.  There are relationships/co-parenting balances taking place and the last thing a divorced person wants is a BPD grandmother stirring the pot.

We have suffered the loss of my step son due to my BPD MIL and although this young man I do believe has mental issues and did from the first day I met him... .the damage is done and over.    We lost our step son becuz of BPD grandmother deciding to target me upon my arrival into my husband's life.    She wasted no time blatently making up stories about me.  She told people I was an alchohlic/con-artist... .she told the kids she sent x-mas money/cash in mail and they never got it becuz I stole it.  She blamed a lice incident that was brought into our house by my stepdaugther from one of her little friends on my moving in.   She accused me of stealing her silverware.    When my kids and I were introduced to the family she said my daughter was the kind of girl who hangs on Richdale street corners (she was 13 and such a innocent cutey... .so sweet".    At the same family gathering she told everyone she didn't want to share the pizza with my kids... .there wasn't enough for them.    She made friends with my husband's x wife and teamed with her at tyring to get me out of the house.    The funny thing is his x-wife left my husbasnd for another man who happened to be her Best Friedn's husband and close family friends.      For a couple years before I moved in his x wife was the target and when they were married BPD MIL HATED HER.   

These two jerks talk on the phone every week and take every opportnity they can to fill the kids heads with negativity about us.  Her intention was to destroy us and our new life and did not want my husband to be happy.  Clearly the x wife has regrets about her decision to embrace the MIL she hated before.        I honestly  wish that something more could be done about people with BPD that are this extreme.     I find the these people often have enablers that are just not willing to get them help.  That would be her husband.      We are no conatact with BPD MIL a.  Sadly... .the pain can never be resversed and BPDs don't apoligize by the way.   NEVER.   BUT this is all in the PAST now and we are still married and love each other and have 3 out of 4 happy souls in our house.    So the gruesome team can continue to pressure my step daugther to turn on us... .but my step aughter see through their BS.         Divorce is hard nough and blendign families but no one will ever understand what a BPD can do in these situations - except some people here.   

[pessim-optimist]

I know how you feel... .My husband lost his daughter due to the ex's alienation. And it continues to be a very painful side of our lives. Unfortunately, we have found out about PA/PAS (Parental Alienation/Parental Alienation Syndrome) 20 years too late... .

How long has this been going on with your step-son? How does your husband feel about not having his son in his life? There is an article here about why/how fathers give up on their kids even though they love them very much:

Why do fathers give up/become defeated about their kids

Is this what he has decided to do, or would he want to fight for his son, but doesn't know how?

[funfunctional]

Hi Pessi,

My husband still sees his son often but he just doesn't live with us.   I would not call him "kept" from his son but the x wife created a negative custody sharing situation which involved a lot of emotions being continually stirred.  Part of it was his son.    She was 1st to divorce and the man she had her affair with and married was her best friends husband.   So the kids knew him but didn't quite "get it" at age 8 and 5 what was happening.   My husband was single for a couple years while the B (yup) strutted around town with her new husband and then moving 3 streets over renting a BIGGER house to prove something.   This woman is incredibly insecure.    So when I met my step son he was 12.  I was an unwelcome change for him.    I moved into the house with my 2 kids.   We finished the attic to add 2 beautiful bedrooms so that each kid would have privacy.  I could see issues already existed.   The first week we were there the kids had to share rooms and my SS ended up in the closet in the fetal position because my 8 year old son he didn't like sharing a room for a couple nights with.    That was just the beginning.    BPD Grammy jumped right on board and clearly and intentionally poisoned this young kids mind with anti-ME talk and literally lied and made stuff up.     She united with the Birth mom and they tried hard to get me out.    In the end... .step daugther loves me but step son is gone. We did counseling and major "trying to please" him but he continued to act up and the theme with he and BPD grammy and mom was that my rules such as putting your dishes awa and putting the toilet seat down were TOO MUCH for him to follow.    I  tried a YEAR of just completely disregarding anything he did to poke.    He kept going.     This kid had it in his head that he was going to get me out.  Prior to my moving in he had started to ride bike over to dad's house when he was at work and use it as a meeting place for he and his friends.    Custody boundardes were completely disrespcted by the birthmom.   She stepped it up when I moved in to try to make me uncomfortable in my own home.  She showed up at front door randomly and continued to use the bus stop next to our house.     She also started telling people I was mean to her son and had her best friend come down to bus stop every day.She would park 20 minutes before the bus even arrived in front of my bedroom window.    And every day turned around in my driveway to show she was on my turf.     Mind you she got half of the equity in this housethat she gladly used proceed from to buy herself a nice big car to pull her BFs boat.      I could go on an don but I am off subject a little.  Bottom line is that BPD destroys divorce situations that are already a challenge.   I can only pray for KARMA now

[pessim-optimist]

I could go on and on but I am off subject a little.  Bottom line is that BPD destroys divorce situations that are already a challenge.   I can only pray for KARMA now

Hm, I agree that BPD makes it all much worse. At the same time, from what you are saying, it sounds like your SS has been playing a big part in it himself regardless of the "help" he's been getting from his mom and grandma... .

It must tear your husband's heart, but if you and him can stay strong and positive and loving toward each other, you have won a big part of the battle. If your husband's son will decide to one day join the happy party (your family), good for him. If not, well... .that will be his choice too... .

I wish you lots of strength in dealing with the continual assault on your happiness. I know it's not easy to deal with. 

[Panda39]

I've been with my SO for 4 years.  We met on-line and live 40 miles away from each other.  Both of us have

kids in school that keep us where we are for now... .one of these days   

My SO's uBPDxw told his daughters that he had an affair with me and that's why he left her... .she just has no accountability at all for the demise of her marriage.

My SO's younger daughter's first question about me to dad was if I had a police record!  Really! uBPDmom projecting much? What kind of question is that for a 10 year old to ask? (For the record I'm 51 and have had 1 speeding ticket back in 1996  )

uBPDxw would call or have the kids call everytime he was with me.  UBPDxw doesn't drive so she would also come up with a million errands that the kids needed to run so my honey would interrupt time with me to take them to get something.

uBPDxw ran a parental alienation campaign on my SO because he was abusive for throwing a phone at the couch (guess who he was talking to  )

My SO has learned a lot of skills and can manage is ex and her antics much better these days but yes she is a stressor in our lives that we could to without but when there are kids there is a connection.

We're always wondering when that next shoe is going to drop... .hopefully one will drop on her 

[funfunctional]

hey Panda!   

The show WILL drop for her one of these days.  Karma does happen.  And as it is happening you will know because his x wife will ACT UP even more.

I totally can related to everything you said.  My BPD MIL was having me "investigated".  And I didn't even have the ticket.  hee hee hee.    I mean "really?".  When you think about just how sick their minds our and we have our minds and one day the kids will all see it.  They do get it!

Hang in there and keep those boundaries up and don't take the bait and don't let them push buttons.  No response is a wonderful way to block a blow from a BPD person.

Never let them think or give them any satisfaction that thru their poking they got you.

[funfunctional]

Yes Pessi!  SS has been playing a large part in this himself.   He has his own issues and they are pretty deep.   Hopefully he will see our happiness and that we have held together.

A continual assault on our happiness is just that.

Yup!  Described perfectly.

[Panda39]

hey Panda!  

The show WILL drop for her one of these days.  Karma does happen.  And as it is happening you will know because his x wife will ACT UP even more... .They do get it!

Oh the shoe has dropped and the kids do get it!  The stuff at our house starting blowing up at Thanksgiving

I think you read the thread 4 aborted tries to get to Chicago... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237811.msg12533387#msg12533387

It looks like the Thanksgiving incident caused uBPDxw to lose one of her friends... .that friend did all the driving to the hospital and took care of D14 while her mom was having her "hypochondriac breakdown" and finally after 4 years has had enough.

Anyway the uBPDxw's acting up made us think it might be time to check the public court records again because in the past her freak-outs have typically meant another eviction was coming.  She's been living in a hotel for 6 months so we didn't know if we'd find anything but low and behold she has 2 felony charges against her for a large bad check to someone and a civil case against her with someone else.

Now this is bad enough but at Christmas D18 comes home from her first semester of college for Christmas break and gets an email from the school telling her that her tuition wasn't paid (by her UBPDmom who claimed there was a "Family Trust", that she is not welcome back for the next semester and she now owes them $15,000 and she cannot get her transcript (she made deans' list) for her semester there.  :)aughter has since gotten herself in a local state school while she figures out what to do next.

Both girls have gone low contact with mom and are refusing to see her (court order or not) mean while mom has 2 court dates next week.

Things got a little stressful there for awhile but my honey his handling it like a pro.  Having a pw BPD in your life is not easy but I have to say that my SO and I are getting better at seeing signs of trouble, predicting some of her behaviors and are better at controlling ours.  

I hope your SS will catch on too when he's a little older... .you never know  

[funfunctional]

Hi Panda,

That is really sad about daughter making dean's list and not being able to go back to school    Awful!

I find I am able to have more compassion for people with BPD once they have not impact on me or can influence my life.    I am at that point with my sister where I feel sad.    I have been having dreams that everything is ok with my sister and she is all happy & apologizing & normal.

With my MIL - no way.   I feel no mercy (right now).   She did so much collateral damage with my blended family that I will never forgive her.  It was purposeful & caused my husband and I lot of pain & suffering. 

Karma!    On one hand I want karma but what I would love even more is for these people to get better & stand up and say "WOW - I AM SORRY".    That is asking for a miracle.

[Panda39]

That is really sad about daughter making dean's list and not being able to go back to school Awful!... .

She is going to our local state college this semester for the short term and is looking at other colleges in state for a more permenant place to finally land.  She's a good student and will do well anywhere she goes but I know she wants to be out on her own, not sharing a room with her sister in her dad's apartment. 

With my MIL - no way.   I feel no mercy (right now).   She did so much collateral damage with my blended family that I will never forgive her.  It was purposeful & caused my husband and I lot of pain & suffering. 

I totally understand how you feel... .I feel no mercy for my SO uBPDxw either she has cut a swath of pain and chaos a mile wide. She lost her husband and she's doing a really good job losing her daughters.  I've managed to let go of most of my anger regarding her but I just think she is dispicable in so many ways.

Karma!    On one hand I want karma but what I would love even more is for these people to get better & stand up and say "WOW - I AM SORRY".    That is asking for a miracle.

I wish this too.  Just for everthing to be "normal", drama free and low conflict.  But unfortunately it is what it is