Have you ever been thankful for your BPDx?

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Hi,

I'm new to this forum. I was for nearly 4 years in a relationship with an undiagnosed BPDgf until the end of last September.  I didn't knew much about BPD while I was in the relationship and never thought, that she could have a personality disorder. Living with her and her traits felt normal to me. I got my light bulb moment after the breakup, when I came to "our" house two weeks after she broke up with me and saw, that my replacement already moved in. She left me alone in the house, because she had to walk the dog. It was like "Take a look around, see how easily you can be replaced!"  I told a friend of mine about this spooky event and he told me about BPD. I searched the internet and it was such an eye opener. Everything I read about BPD was like my relationship, every red flag was there. Being soul mates, feeling put on a pedestal in the beginning, talk about sex on the first date, porn star sex on the second date, being the love of her life on the third date, all exbf's were cruel to her, I was her saviour, I was the good guy, it was too good to be true in the beginning. I was slowly isolated from my friends and family, I lost my self and my self esteem - she raged on me for very little causes, everything I've done was wrong, but: I didn't feel emotionally abused. This roller-coaster felt like a normal relationship to me.

Although it was the most hurting moment in my life when she said, that she is leaving me, because she found another one, "the real love her life" - I don't regret being with her. I know, I was emotionally abused by her, but this abuse - in the aftermath - opened my eyes: I was emotionally abused all my life - by my parents. That's why her abuse felt so normal to me. I started reading about BPD, NPD and all the other Cluster-B-PDs. And I found out, that my family is a web of Cluster-B-Spiders. My father is a pure narcissist, my mother something like a BPD-waif. I lived in my mothers house after the break-up with my BPDxgf and witnessed how my mother was emotionally abusing my elder sister on some occasions. I had an on-off relationship with my father for nearly 20 years - and now I see the cycle of abuse: The charming, when he makes promises, says, he wants to help me, and as soon as he got me, he devalues me, when I don't do, what he expects from me. 

I don't miss my BPDex any more, I don't love her and I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her, she must be a very desperate person. looking for the one true love, she will never have. But I can't think of her as a monster or an emotional vampire. My relationship with her was not, what I expected - I also thought, I found the love of my life. What I found, was the key to my life, the key to find out, how dysfunctional my own family is and how dysfunctional I was all my life. She showed me, who I really am - and I thank her for this... .gift.

Please excuse, if my words seem strange sometimes. English is not my native language.

Greetings,

Maternus

[Maternus]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum. I was for nearly 4 years in a relationship with an undiagnosed BPDgf until the end of last September.  I didn't knew much about BPD while I was in the relationship and never thought, that she could have a personality disorder. Living with her and her traits felt normal to me. I got my light bulb moment after the breakup, when I came to "our" house two weeks after she broke up with me and saw, that my replacement already moved in. She left me alone in the house, because she had to walk the dog. It was like "Take a look around, see how easily you can be replaced!"  I told a friend of mine about this spooky event and he told me about BPD. I searched the internet and it was such an eye opener. Everything I read about BPD was like my relationship, every red flag was there. Being soul mates, feeling put on a pedestal in the beginning, talk about sex on the first date, porn star sex on the second date, being the love of her life on the third date, all exbf's were cruel to her, I was her saviour, I was the good guy, it was too good to be true in the beginning. I was slowly isolated from my friends and family, I lost my self and my self esteem - she raged on me for very little causes, everything I've done was wrong, but: I didn't feel emotionally abused. This roller-coaster felt like a normal relationship to me.

Although it was the most hurting moment in my life when she said, that she is leaving me, because she found another one, "the real love her life" - I don't regret being with her. I know, I was emotionally abused by her, but this abuse - in the aftermath - opened my eyes: I was emotionally abused all my life - by my parents. That's why her abuse felt so normal to me. I started reading about BPD, NPD and all the other Cluster-B-PDs. And I found out, that my family is a web of Cluster-B-Spiders. My father is a pure narcissist, my mother something like a BPD-waif. I lived in my mothers house after the break-up with my BPDxgf and witnessed how my mother was emotionally abusing my elder sister on some occasions. I had an on-off relationship with my father for nearly 20 years - and now I see the cycle of abuse: The charming, when he makes promises, says, he wants to help me, and as soon as he got me, he devalues me, when I don't do, what he expects from me. 

I don't miss my BPDex any more, I don't love her and I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her, she must be a very desperate person. looking for the one true love, she will never have. But I can't think of her as a monster or an emotional vampire. My relationship with her was not, what I expected - I also thought, I found the love of my life. What I found, was the key to my life, the key to find out, how dysfunctional my own family is and how dysfunctional I was all my life. She showed me, who I really am - and I thank her for this... .gift.

Please excuse, if my words seem strange sometimes. English is not my native language.

Greetings,

Maternus

[DreamGirl]

I love this perspective.

I think that often times a relationship like this causes the mirror to be put in our laps. Makes us say to ourselves "why did I put up with it for so long?"

So my vote is "yes". The pwBPD in my life has been one of the greatest gifts.

It took me a long time to see it that way though.



~DreamGirl

[Perdita]

No.  The things I lost because of him are too precious.

[hope2727]

Yes I am grateful every day. He taught me so much before he derailed about being a better more positive person. He taught me how I want and deserve to be over. Then the switch flipped and he taught me about abuse and cluster B and how not to be treated. I miss him. I love him. I am grateful for him. He has been and always will be a gift in my life. I am grateful to him undeniably.

[Dutched]

After 30+ yrs exHFudBPDw blew my most precious, my family, up in a blink of an eye, dumped in a final and typical uncontrollable outburst.

Gone all years, gone all financial security as built up to secure a financial healthy retirement.

Gone all plans and dreams as exw and I discussed before.

Sentenced kids life long by withholding them a home to fall back on. Withholding them with their kids to visit grandparents… just grandpa or grandma, never having family gathering together. Giving them life long emotional damage! (kids of divorced parents have a 50% higher divorce rate themselves, as their trust and ability to solve emotional conflicts is damaged beyond believe!)

So life giving them a life sentence in all aspects of their future, a future willingly damaged by a exw that refused psychiatric treatment… as ‘nothing is wrong with me’…

Exw expressed that behaviour in full glory already at 18, when exw dumped her parents in exactly the same way and went NC for a 9 yrs! Exw being pulled out of her emotional gutter because of that by me with all I had to give!

In order to ‘justify’ their devaluation, better, their detachment, that intensified with every outburst, the ‘loving’ words one receive:

‘our start was wrong!’, dating, seeing each other, having fun and building up a loving friendship was wrong?

‘we never had anything together!’ than why staying, even married later, got kids?  

‘you have never been a partner!’, the ‘why question’ couldn’t be answered…

‘you are no father!’, aha, right, just a sperm donor and money supplier…

‘you can’t support me emotionally, you never could!’ No, forgotten are the decades of hours and days talk and effort in order to bring exw back to baseline... .

‘I am ashamed for you, that’s why I don’t you to join me to X!” suddenly ashamed, decades before not?

O, of course depersonalise the behaviour… it is ‘them’…  YEP!

Satisfaction in the meanwhile despite the loss of my family! Exw seems to be in a proud r/s with a Michelin shaped grandpa (a 65yrs), a 15 yrs. older, full with tattoos, low social class, fled from the UK to mainland EU in a camper in order to desperate hook his ‘next last soul mate’ for his cold nights in the evening of his live… Now living in her house too… and above, a low self esteem and fails to pick up desperate subtle signs to ‘rescue’ exw, speaking of ‘supporting emotionally’…  (noticed as I briefly spoke with exw while they sat at a terrace and I deliberately asked exw some nasty questions, as why I was never told she wanted a divorce, or why exw twice wasn’t present at my sons graduation!).  

Thankful? Hmm, did I lived in a believe garden? Wanted the best, giving love, raising kids, the most precious I ever have/had! Holding to my wedding vow which meant a great deal to me.

Thankful? For needed help myself a few yrs. before the end, had to learn about BPD, the behaviour and trying to ‘normalize’ family dynamics (in which I partly succeeded as outburst minimized to 1x a yr.). And no I was not diagnosed as co-dependent, having low self esteem, being a caretaker or pleaser.

Thankful? Did you know most (ex)partners involved with cluster B personalities end up to seek help…? Did you know.? We are the ones that read, gather knowledge, learn to coop and many come to this Board after the r/s is over in order to understand what the heck happened, why it happened in order to find inner peace again.

No offence my friend, but being thankful for losing your self esteem?

In my footer it is written, as from a certain point it was all she had to give… empty boxes.

Despite her poem short before the end ‘whatever happens, nothing will tear apart my love’, except exw herself of course…

[AwakenedOne]

"Have you ever been thankful for your BPDx?"

No. I wish I never met her.

No amount of after the fact realizations and growth can make up for the abuse suffered during the four year "marriage". Especially the physical injuries that were inflicted by her.

I'm thankful though that I never have to listen to one word from her mouth again or have to endure her feces cloud presence hovering over me again. She refused to get help. I poured out love, patience and care for her.  

I have read members from time to time comments here stating a "thankfulness" for this "beautiful experience" and the "gift" that they have received. My first thought reading that type of remark is "Um... .what have they been smoking?"

I am happy for anyone here that has got even anything microscopically positive from their hellish BPD relationship experience.

[SlyQQ]

thankfull sometimes that she is not worse thats it nothing good otherwise

[ADecadeLost]

Some days I am thankful for the self-realization it has allowed me.

Other days (today included), I find myself counting the people and things I lost fighting for her and don't believe there is anything about her I could be thankful for.

[Healing0602]

I am, extremely thankful.  I found strength that I never knew I had.  I still have scars, but I've also gotten rid of many that I never realized I had.  I'm a glass-half-full type person, I see the best in people, and make the most out of situations.

I am also thankful for the experiences I had with him.  Regardless of whether it was genuine or not, the love I experienced with him is something I would never give up. 

[Shibuya]

I'm very thankful with being with my exBPDgf. even though I still hurt, she allowed me to have great insight about my own personality that noone ever told me about. Her needs and wants allowed me to be a more compassionate and more understanding person for the woman I am talking to now. Which made things 100xs better.

The affects of BPD made me a better person than I once was. I just wish I could've been with her in the end without the issues.

[Rise]

Well without her I wouldn't have my kids, which are the two greatest and most important things in my life, and my purpose in life. So I guess I am thankful, because despite all our drama, I got something worth way more than any of the suffering I went through. In a strange way if I had never met my ex, my life would be devoid of much of its meaning.

[Maternus]

I love this perspective.

I think that often times a relationship like this causes the mirror to be put in our laps. Makes us say to ourselves "why did I put up with it for so long?"

So my vote is "yes". The pwBPD in my life has been one of the greatest gifts.

It took me a long time to see it that way though.



~DreamGirl

Thank you for your warm welcome, DreamGirl. I think, you pointed it out right: We learn a lot about ourselves in such unhealthy relationships.

[Maternus]

No offence my friend, but being thankful for losing your self esteem?

Hi Dutched,

I take no offence. Maybe our stories are too different. I had no or very low self esteem when I got into the relationship with my BPDxgf. Now, in the aftermath, I developed more self esteem than ever before in my life. It feels good, although I know, that I still have a long way to go. But for the first time in my life I fell like I'm on the right track. My track.

[Trog]

I am thankful for a lesson but I wish I could have learnt it another way without the pain of having a relationship and break up with her. I am thankful that this suffering helped me understand what is important. From meeting her I developed a poor relationship with food that I am now conquering, my health was terrible and I wouldn't take care of myself. Ive also learnt that as long as I have the sun on my face and God in my heart I don't care if I'm broke. I was into salary as a representation of my worth. Ive learnt that is all rubbish because of my suffering. I have grown through suffering but I have lost innocence and im less hopeful about my ability to manifest the future I want. Im going to leave it all to God and hope for guidance!

[Targeted]

I am very grateful for my BPDex!  I have only had two relationships in my life, my marriage and my BPD X, in my marriage I tried so hard to the right thing, being a good husband and a good father and a good provider, my ex-wife at the end of our marriage it came out and all came together for me about her family's problems, every one of them was diagnosed with severe depression, her parents, her brother, and looking back I think her sister is definitely cluster B, my ex wife's family were the laziest sweep it under the rug people I have ever met, her brother was found locked in a closet with a gun in his mouth, her sister's second marriage was a two week affair, she cheated on her boyfriend with this guy that she met at work and actually married with a JP, and divorced him all within two weeks, she did not take enough time to figure out that he was just out of prison for attempted murder and child molestation, but my ex wife's family is still only depressed, I tried very hard and reached out to everybody in my marriage looking for something to make it better and make it work, counselling what is abandoned when my ex-wife had to focus on herself, needless to say it ended in divorce, then comes my girlfriend'.  This was such a condensed version of hell it showed all the cracks I have in myself, constantly trying to please somebody else in order for me to be happy, taking on their problems as my own, giving more of myself that I actually have, accepting nothing in return, I think you get the point in there are many other things, my ex-wife did give me two beautiful children and I love her for that, my ex-girlfriend beat the you know what out of me in such a condensed version like a baseball bat and woke me up to the fact that I settle for giving 100% of myself and receiving next to nothing,  I love her for that!

[Maternus]

I am very grateful for my BPDex!  I have only had two relationships in my life, my marriage and my BPD X, in my marriage I tried so hard to the right thing, being a good husband and a good father and a good provider, my ex-wife at the end of our marriage it came out and all came together for me about her family's problems, every one of them was diagnosed with severe depression, her parents, her brother, and looking back I think her sister is definitely cluster B

Hi Targeted,

I also had only two relationships in my life  - my marriage and my BPDx. But in my case it was vice versa to your situation. I was the problem in my marriage, I was the one, who came from a cluster-B-Familiy, I was the one who sabotaged the peace in our relationship. I can see it now, but I couldn't see it before. I'm NC with my BPDx for nearly three months now - and I have no purpose to break NC. But I'm good friends with my ex-wife - we talk much and she helps me a lot to deal with the problems in my family. She was the "good girl" in my life - but I never was mature enough to recognize it.

[Recooperating]

Yes, i am thankfull for this experience, but that does not mean I think I deserved this crap, bat sh!t crazy treatment!

I am thankfull and proud that I never let him isolate me and kept all my friends, who stood by me, although they dont understand. I am thankfull for hitting rock bottom, cause it forced me to look at myself and work on my issues. I can only come out stronger and as a better healthier person, with hopes to one day have a trusting, loving and caring relationship based on equality and respect. The fact that I am loosing my job, kinda sucks, but my boss is a complete prick anyway, so good riddance! I'll find something else!

Do I feel sympathy, empathy, forgiveness for my ex? NO! He had an opportunity to work on himself, he was diagnosed, but chose to stay in denial. I will not forgive and forget what he did to me. Do I hate him... .A little less every day. I am working on getting to the point where I "nothing" him and reach complete indifference.

[Targeted]

I am very grateful for my BPDex!  I have only had two relationships in my life, my marriage and my BPD X, in my marriage I tried so hard to the right thing, being a good husband and a good father and a good provider, my ex-wife at the end of our marriage it came out and all came together for me about her family's problems, every one of them was diagnosed with severe depression, her parents, her brother, and looking back I think her sister is definitely cluster B

Hi Targeted,

I also had only two relationships in my life  - my marriage and my BPDx. But in my case it was vice versa to your situation. I was the problem in my marriage, I was the one, who came from a cluster-B-Familiy, I was the one who sabotaged the peace in our relationship. I can see it now, but I couldn't see it before. I'm NC with my BPDx for nearly three months now - and I have no purpose to break NC. But I'm good friends with my ex-wife - we talk much and she helps me a lot to deal with the problems in my family. She was the "good girl" in my life - but I never was mature enough to recognize it.

Self reflection and recognition are key!  That is probably bigger to admit than you realise, also more helpful to yourself than you give your self credit for I'm sure, im glad you and the ex wife are civil, if their were kids involved I hope they're all doing well, in my situation my ex-wife was found to be severely depressed within two counselling meetings, she had to see somebody else for one and a half months before we could continue marriage counselling, she did not like her diagnosis and gave up on it. Denied it. Blamed me!  I think if you have a issue, no matter what it is, if you are aware of it and are working on it you have the battle 50% Won!

[Suzn]

Welcome to the boards Maternus 

What I found, was the key to my life, the key to find out, how dysfunctional my own family is and how dysfunctional I was all my life. She showed me, who I really am - and I thank her for this... .gift.

Same for me Maternus. I see this experience as a gift.

And I found out, that my family is a web of Cluster-B-Spiders. My mother something like a BPD-waif.

You and I also share this. It took me 4 years to come to a full realization of my mother's influence and begin to come to terms with it. Something I'm still working on today.

I don't miss my BPDex any more, I don't love her and I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her, she must be a very desperate person. looking for the one true love, she will never have. But I can't think of her as a monster or an emotional vampire. My relationship with her was not, what I expected - I also thought, I found the love of my life.

For me, I was unknowingly searching for the "family" I never had. I didn't necessarily think I had found the love of my life. There were issues from day one almost. There were kids involved though and it was the family unit that was the draw for me originally.

[HappyNihilist]

 

Welcome to the boards, Maternus!

To answer your very thoughtful question, I personally am extremely thankful for my exBPDbf. In many ways, I feel like this r/s brought me to my own personal enlightenment.

I am also thankful for the experiences I had with him.  Regardless of whether it was genuine or not, the love I experienced with him is something I would never give up. 

I feel the same way, Healing. I don't regret my love at all. And we had some beautiful times together, and some not-so-beautiful times that still taught me a lot.

What I found, was the key to my life, the key to find out, how dysfunctional my own family is and how dysfunctional I was all my life. She showed me, who I really am - and I thank her for this... .gift.

This is how I feel, too. And learning who we are is truly a gift.

The devastating end of this relationship made me stop in my tracks and examine everything -- it was like I couldn't move on in life until I did -- and I learned so much about myself.

Also, my exBPDbf really did try to show me who I was. He made a point of telling me that most of the good I saw in him was mirrored from me. He challenged me to look deep within myself and figure myself out. He was, for the most part, encouraging and supportive of me. He told me that his goal was for me to achieve self-realization. 

Now, his disorder very much impaired his ability here... .but I have never doubted his intent.

And I found out, that my family is a web of Cluster-B-Spiders. My mother something like a BPD-waif.

You and I also share this. It took me 4 years to come to a full realization of my mother's influence and begin to come to terms with it. Something I'm still working on today.

Same here, with the toxic maternal influence. (Although my mother is more Cluster C than Cluster B.) Ironically, it was something that my exBPDbf spent most of our r/s trying to get me to recognize for myself. It wasn't until I started deconstructing myself that I could see it. I know it's something I'll be coming to terms with for a while.