why do BPD's refuse to meet in person following a break up?

[Depression = 72% of members]

people with a severe mental illness, are just like people who don't have it? I sense Some victim blaming with that statement. Let's debate this.

Hmmm. . .In the grand scheme of things, we are all human beings. We are alike in that we are all complex and cannot read each others minds. It isn't about blaming the victim in my mind. In my mind, it is about seeing that there are complex reasons for people doing what they do. Mental illness makes it even MORE complex and confusing. It ratchets things up and makes things more difficult. Break ups can be hard no matter what the mental status is of the parties involved. I have seen lots of messy break ups where both people think they were wronged by the other party.

Refusing to meet somebody after a break up isn't something that is unique to somebody with BPD. Does the fact that a person has a severe mental illness make their choices completely invalid? I may hate that somebody doesn't want to meet with me to talk but that is ultimately their decision. Yes, I would like to know why and I would like to understand it but at some point it helps to stop focusing on the why's and accept it for what it is. It is a rejection and it hurts.

[vortex of confusion]

people with a severe mental illness, are just like people who don't have it? I sense Some victim blaming with that statement. Let's debate this.

Hmmm. . .In the grand scheme of things, we are all human beings. We are alike in that we are all complex and cannot read each others minds. It isn't about blaming the victim in my mind. In my mind, it is about seeing that there are complex reasons for people doing what they do. Mental illness makes it even MORE complex and confusing. It ratchets things up and makes things more difficult. Break ups can be hard no matter what the mental status is of the parties involved. I have seen lots of messy break ups where both people think they were wronged by the other party.

Refusing to meet somebody after a break up isn't something that is unique to somebody with BPD. Does the fact that a person has a severe mental illness make their choices completely invalid? I may hate that somebody doesn't want to meet with me to talk but that is ultimately their decision. Yes, I would like to know why and I would like to understand it but at some point it helps to stop focusing on the why's and accept it for what it is. It is a rejection and it hurts.

[hurting300]

It's not our fault we were lied too, gaslighted, manipulated and isolated from the world. These people push you to the point of blowing up and then play the victim. We are not like abusers. We are on a forum telling our stories while they are out there wrecking our replacements. I took great offence to the poster that said we are like BPD's. We are not.

[wanttoknowmore]

Because they are extremely afraid that you will hurt their feelings and it will cause them lot of pain. It may not be true BUT its their perception and to them it feels true.

[fred6]

people with a severe mental illness, are just like people who don't have it? I sense Some victim blaming with that statement. Let's debate this.

Were you referring to this quote from me. It was bolded in your reply.

I think when nons don't want to have contact is because they have usually suffered some sort of abuse and need to detach and heal.

If so, I was meaning that pwBPD go NC/disappear for their own unknown or selfish reasons instead of working on the relationship. For us nons though, we usually go NC in order to detach and protect ourselves. By the time that we do it, it's usually too late to salvage the relationship. pwBPD will disappear lots of time when the relationship is seemingly going well. I agree with Vortex up to a point. But I don't think that we can lump everyone together when it comes to the reasons why people refuse contact with their ex's. PwBPD had a choice, a lot of the time us non's didn't have a choice. It was thrust upon us and our only course of action is NC. In a perfect world I would have no problem seeing my ex and being friendly, but there is "something not right" with the way she interacts with certain people, so that's not an option for me. NC is the only option available given the circumstances.

[hurting300]

Sorry Fred 6 no it wasn't you .

[JRT]

So... .is anyone prepared to hazard a guess, or base one on experience as to the disappearing/refusing to meet BPD's as to them having a greater proclivity to return eventually on the opposite?