I think I have found answers

[Worried Mom23]

I have always questioned or thought my daughter had what I called anger issues.  She is 25 yrs old and I just found out about BPD.  I had never heard of it and chalked my daughters behavior up to her just having these anger issues.  One day a few weeks ago a girl I graduated with in high school made an apology for the way she had been acting and some of the things she had posted on her facebook page, she went on to explain it was her BPD and she was having some problems controlling it, I hadn't a clue what BPD was so I did a search and I as read the first 2 paragraphs tears started to roll down my face. As I read the symptoms there was no doubt they were talking about my daughter.  The only that didn't seem to fit was the suicide thoughts or attempts.  She has never hurt herself that im aware of... .enless you count being in and staying in an abusive relationship.  I have talked with my husband and other daughter who is 22 and just graduated with a degree in psychology and they both agree she fits the description almost to a tee.  My youngest had been thinking this for sometime and just didn't say anything to me about it.  I hate to say I was relieved to at last have some answers but the tears that came where just that relief that I finally might have some answers.  I am now just doing my own research and trying to get the information I need to maybe help her.  First there is no way I can come right out and tell her I feel she might have BPH and my youngest daughter said the same thing. She would go into a rage im sure.  She is going thru a divorce right now or I think she is, she has started the process however she usually ends up going back to her husband, so I keep pushing for her to go to counsoling for the divorce now Im hoping they will find the BPD and we can all start working on better days.  From some of the things I have read on this site I would say she is High functioning.  She has realitionship problems with almost everyone that is close to her, however she hides it very well from the outside world she changes jobs often however she is able to go to work most days.  Everytime my phone rings I cringe inside cause I know its her and Im not sure what to expect rage or a nice person on the line.  I walk of eggshells everytime Im around her, if she is in a good mood I dont want to set her off so I tip toe around her.  I also find myself moitoring the way others act around her in fear they will set her off. Example if I notice my mother her grandmother bringing up some subject that I know will set her off I will send a look to  my mom and she knows oo dont go there.  My question would be do I bring up to my daughter I feel she at least needs to look into this and risk the rage she will have, im pretty certain it wont do me any good as she will say it is all of us that has the problem and not her, if anyone has a suggestion on how to go about this Im all ears and would take any advise given .  Im not a theropist and Im only learning about BPD is there anything I can do to help without a diagnosis.  I feel relief in finding this site and hope to continue to learn and maybe be able to help my daughter, or at least have more understanding to what she is feeling and going thru.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Worried Mom23]

I guess I should retract the suicide statement.  She has in the past threaten however I saw I as attention seeking and kinda blew it off, it just came to my mind and I can not believe I forgot about this she was Im guessing 16 maybe 17 and she was in a rage a terrible one and she threatened suicide I did take her serious this one time and called the hotline they sent a counselor to our home and determined she was ok and told us to just keep watching her and they helped defuse the situation.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Worried Mom23 & 

I'm really sorry for all of the troubles you are having with your daughter; it's so heartbreaking to have child (even an adult child) self-destructing right before our very eyes, and feeling like there is nothing we can do about it. It's true that realizing the source of their problems, admitting they need help, and then getting that help is probably the only way for things to get better for them. Lots of us want to tell our children what we feel we see with that, but it doesn't always work out when we mention BPD or any other personality disorder to them.

I posted this information to another member of this Board last night, but it is relevant to your situation, too, so I'd like to give it to you, also. We have a very good Feature Article called Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy, and it is loaded with advice for the type of situation you are in right now (there are more Feature Articles that would help you, all linked to right under the 4 photos on the Parenting Board's main page). According to that Article:



What can we do for a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder traits?

If we want to help a loved one to get into therapy and, more importantly, to embrace the therapy, we need to "plug in" and understand both the perceptual filters that our loved one has, and their motivations.  This generally requires a great deal of listening.

Studies show that there are three areas that are most productive for family members to focus on.

Building trust. Not blaming or not finding fault, but rather respecting our loved one's point of view, listening without telling them that they are wrong - especially regarding their point of view that they are not ill if that is their thinking. Amador says that family members and clinicians should listen carefully to the loved one's fears.  "Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patient's delusional beliefs are also important", remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.

Reinforcing the developing awareness.  Reinforce the struggles that the loved one perceives as concerning. One of the most difficult things for family members to do is to limit discussions only to the problems that the loved one with the mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. Work with what you have. It is important to develop a partnership with the loved one around those things that can be agreed upon.

Our belief that the loved one will benefit from treatment.  Our loved one may be happy with where they are and moving them from this position is as much art as it is science - and it may take time.

What Not To Do

Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen.  Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust.  It's not like a broken leg where the affliction is tangible, the cure is tangible, and the stigma nonexistent.  While we are grateful to learn about the disorder and the pathways to recovery - for us the information is validating and represents a potential solution to our family problems- to the afflicted, it is shaming (you are defective),  stigmatizing (mental illness in general, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically), and puts all the responsibility for the family problems on the loved one's shoulders.



I do recommend you read the whole Article I linked to above; the whole thing is really very helpful and insightful. Every member of this Board knows exactly what you are going through, Worried Mom23... .I'm so very sorry for the pain and fear you are going through, and for the trauma your family has been enduring. We really do care, and want to help 

[SCM]

Rapt Reader,

I made the mistake of telling my daughter she has BPD which, of course, sent her into an unbelievable rage. As of now it has been 27 months she has gone NC except if she needs something from me. She has also kept my grandchildren (3) from me as well.

So now what do I do (except pray)?

[Rapt Reader]

 SCM: I'm so sorry for the No Contact that you are suffering with your daughter; not being able to see your grandchildren is terrible--I do know how that goes. My non-BPD son's wife has BPD traits, and at one time she was threatening that we wouldn't see our (first!) grandchild. We actually didn't get to see him for a few months, but after learning what I've learned on this site, and using the tools & techniques to the right-hand side of this page, things have settled down now and are going smoothly.

Since you are having to deal with her imposition of No Contact for now, does that include email or snail mail? I ask this, because several of us on this site--including me--have benefitted from using this "letter" from Valerie Porr's "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" book. It's found on page 331, and she calls it an "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

I've actually sent this exact letter in an email, with my Daughter-In-Law's name here and there, with some specific S.E.T. mentions of a few of her grievances before the statement. I didn't go into all of them, but pinpointed the ones that I knew were at the crux of her angst. Then I acknowledged how she felt about each matter, told her that if I looked at it the way she did--or if I thought someone was doing that to me--I would feel the same way that she did. And then I mentioned the truth of the situation, not using the words "but" or "however" (which can be tricky; I had to be inventive   ).

The first time I sent this type of email with this statement above (in bold here), it was to both my son and my D-I-L because he was supporting her No Contact and threats of not letting us see their child once he was born. After that 1st email, my son came around and began communicating with us again, in a very good way. A few months later, I sent the above statement (exactly as written, with her name here and there to personalize it), with S.E.T. for her grievances. At that time, she softened and even became warm with us, and things have been very good ever since.  Can you let us know more about how things are going, and what you were thinking of doing about it? We'd love to help you 

Hey, Worried Mom23    How are things going today? Have you had the chance to read the Article I linked to above? Did it give you any answers, or give you more questions for us to answer for you? Have you had the chance to check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page? Please keep us in the loop, and let us know how things are going for you right now, Okay?

[Worried Mom23]

I have started the lessons on the right side of the page and watched a few videos... my one question I have is everything I read on diagnosing someone it stresses  consistently and without waver  I have seen the same problems in my daughter since she was a teen and even when she was younger she showed some of the anger problems, Also each outburst are different one time it might be really bad... .with her name calling and screaming at the top of her lungs,  the next outburst might be her just calling ya a names and then telling ya to get out of her house... .only for her to call me the next day as if nothing happened.  Do they mean consistant as in say she has outburst every 3rd day or what... .if things in her life seem to be going ok she wont have an outburst for lets say a few weeks then all of a sudden something will set her off and god help us all.  I have purchased 3 books and I have started reading.  I have my grandbabies who are 7 and 1 and half alot as she don't seem capable of dealing with the crying of the youngest one. ( she is an extremely cranky baby and seems to be more fussy around her mom), so for everyones well being my husband and I take care of them a majority of the time.  I am waiting on the book Stop walking on Egg Shells to arrive and hope to learn somethings for it as well.  One min I tell myself she don't have this then the next I read and I know deep down inside they are describing her exactly, I do know she will prob never be diagnosed because I would consider her High Functioning and unless forced into counseling she will never go and even if she was forced she would never believe it to be true and would say we all have the problem not her she is also very manipulative and it would take sometime to see the real her. We have family members who have never seen her outburst,  however the closer you are to the family it starts to show,  I do see myself as an enabler and Im going to work on that. I have learned so much just in the past week from reading all I can on this site, I also have been sharing my information with my husband so he can better understand also.  I thank god I have found a place I can talk and learn, I haven't shared my thoughts with even my closest friends yet.  I guess I don't want anyone to judge my daughter,  I have been protecting her for so long and mending fences that she breaks and I know I have to stop some of that. 

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for the update, Worried Mom23. I'm glad you're finding the chance to read the links on this site, and having the books will also be helpful--it's always great to have the written word in your hands when you need to refer back to things. Which books have you gotten and started reading? "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a good one, and most of us on the Board have probably read it, too.

The consistency of behaviors in BPD refers to the fact that the dysfunctional actions are consistent, as opposed to normal kid- or teenaged-angst that flashes in and out, and are grown out of eventually. Someone with BPD will have dysfunctions that may or may not be predictable at the time they happen, but it is predictable that dysfunctions will happen periodically generally. Some are worse than others, some cycle through more easily or quickly than others, but the dysfunctions will happen until or unless the person gets some sort of help to learn how to keep them under control.

I'm also glad that you found us, Worried Mom23. All of us parents want the best for our children, and do want the world to see them in the best light... .Trying to help our kids "fit in" or learn how to cope with the troubles they have, in order to not be judged harshly by the rest of the world, is natural